Sunday, 30 August 2009

The Abyss

I don’t know what’s happened to me the past days . I feel as though I’ve been really absent from the blog and from Facebook. I’m not sure why. I think it has something to do with there being changes in my life. New job, new flat, new fella, book , cutting ties – all emotional stuff.
At least for me it has been emotional. I’m sensitive like that. And to be truthful I’ve been finding it difficult to dedicate an adequate amount of time to things outside of the above mentioned.
Hey ho... I’m here now and I’ve no doubts I will be reverting to my usual daily postings soon enough.

I’ve had to cut Dee free. As you know we had contact again. I’ve told him that I’m with someone and that we need to cut contact from each other again. It’s been awkward and upsetting knowing that I’m hurting someone that I care about. But it’s better this way... The thing was starting feeling complicated. I was heading to rack and ruin as far as my current lover goes – because I didn’t know how to be, with a past boyfriend. Dee is a past boyfriend for a reason. Why would I risk spoiling the feelings that are being exchanged between myself and the Ingdigo hued* current lover who wishes not to be mentioned in this blog? It would be silly and short sighted of me to do so.

The man who wishes not to be named is the blog is with me right now drinking tea. We just tried to set up Virgin Media through a Telewest connection. Well – he did. But alas it seems as though we must wait to call Virgin Media to activate the dastardly thing. How long have I had this thing?? Pah! I don’t even know if it will work, because the connection in the wall has a Tele West stamp on it.
God, bring back Sky. What the hell happened to Sky? At one time isn’t that all we had? Wasn’t that the only option? All this choice is ruining the simplicity of life.

Tomorrow is the Notting Hill Carnival. You going? I very much doubt that I will be... I don’t like it despite going every year except one. Call me a snob, but it’s too ghetto for my liking. I’ve lived in the thick of it three years back. Nightmare. At any moment I am convinced that a fight will take place when I’m at the carnival; especially in the Ragga area where testosterone, booze consumption and weed smoking is permeating the air at high levels.
Regardless, I must go out tomorrow... It’s gonna be hot apparently. And when the sun is out – it would be rude not to go out and play.

Friday, 28 August 2009

Gagging Order...

I’m knackered. Been spending time with a certain boy who I said I wouldn’t mention in this... His name begins with ‘B’ and ends with ‘E’. It’s difficult for me to even mention his name now. I told him that I wouldn’t and in order for me to explain why I said that I wouldn’t, I would have to explain why I said that I wouldn't.
Worry not mon amores, I am certain that the veto will be lifted soon enough and I will have my gagging order removed by ‘ Green & Yellow mixed together makes...’ B..E
Hey ho...

So....... *looking up at the sky, whistling with my hands in my pockets.*Yeah, so......umm........... err......... right then.

Nice weather, huh!? Err..................... I’m tired. Did I already mention that?
Ok, ok.... I’m more than having a man ! I’m more than what having a man represents! I am! I am!

I NEED A MAN LIKE A FISH NEEDS A BYCYCLE................ Zzzzzzz...

*Breath Gee. Breath*

Ok – so, the agent has told me that she is taking me out for dinner next week on Wednesday. Remember I didn’t know if she would pay or if it was my duty to pay her? Well, she’s paying. She gave me the choice of two swish eateries, and I’ve chosen the more rustic, softly furnished one – rather than the media haunt which looks stark and soul-less.

I cannot wait for the long weekend!!! I can’t wait! I like my job, but I simply cannot wait to be able to just hang out at home, go food shopping, drink coffee around my new area with Bl ... (Oops nearly said his name).... and generally be thankful for life.

Will write more later.... about to leave work. I’ll go home, smoke a ciggie, scratch my squidgy ass and have a nap. Then, maybe, I will lie on the sofa, watch TV and be grateful for the very little I have.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Hot off the Press!

I just got a text from the marketing director of the publishing house who, get this: wants to take me to the Groucho this afternoon. She is presenting Hooked to the international Sales team and would like us to meet for a drink/coffee. Coffee is still a ‘drink’ ain’t it!? Still have a tendency to think someone is implying alcohol when they say the word ’drink’. But she’s read the book I presume... how could she mean booze, eh!?

Blimey! Look at me! God, it’s hilarious and very flattering at the same time... The Groucho, dhaaarling, moi. But she wants to meet in working hours. No can do. Have work commitments – so Groucho will have to wait, and instead we’re popping to the local caf round the corner from my work.
Today my baby book is getting presented to people who will then sell it to various foreign countries, so that lots of people can get to read it.
Hells bells...

Blue is in a mood of some sorts. Something to do with me comparing him to Sexless. Sexless is a very fine man who I respect massively and who I have cared about before we got together and continue to do so after our relationship ended. I don’t know why being compared to that would be an insult to anyone.

No doubt it is something also to do with my ‘speaking’ to Dee on IM. Well Blue has known for days ( since he reads this) that I’ve had IM contact with Dee. He hasn’t said a thing. He may think he shouldn’t need to. Yep, that would be the case if I felt more secure in this...There isn't any urgency from Blue to see me. I know he likes me. I also know that he may not feel as free to be able to instigate stuff as he may do if he had more money... but to me, he just seems very laid back...and I take that personally.

Anyway – I have just over an hour before I go on my date with this marketing woman. I fee; nervous and bewildered and excited! She will be the first person to inspect me from the publishing house. I must make a good impression – it’ll go a long way to decide what kind of marketing they will use me for.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

3 men and a girl.

I get quite a kick out of being busy. Probably something to do with the adrenalin surges in my body. Anyway, right about now I’m feeling quite in control of ‘stuff’; you know, just little things like my own life andits direction.

Today I got paid for the first time since starting this job and I’ve worked out what is what in order to fulfill my ambition to be financially independent from now on...
I will be taking things easy for a while just so I can get a feel for where I stand. I am discounting any money I get from the book, because :

a) I don’t know when I will be paid for it.

b) I am giving virtually all of it to HD.

He’s paid out tens of thousands of ££ to help me over the last five years, and although I would love to have a few grand sitting idle in my bank account – it is right and proper that I start to give him back a spot of what he has given me.
I’m sitting here yawning my head off. Met with Benito, a friend at lunch time. It was really nice. He’s an interesting guy and an exciting writer. His writing style is sharp and succinct. He’s very talented.

Came back to work and basically I’ve been trying to deal with Dee, via Instant Messenger, who is suffering. Why did he come back? He’s struggling with our break up - Only now... He says that he thought we were just having a break and that we would get back together... WTF? Crazy. You do tend to know when something has run it’s course or not, right?

I went on to tell him that I’ve ‘kinda been spending time with someone.’ Not sure why I said it really. I don’t think I needed to. Blue is so casual in his approach to things that I’m sure he isn’t telling people about the two of us, doing whatever it is that we’re doing...

I guess there isn’t much to say at this stage. It’s not secure enough. Sometimes it feels as though Blue is quite far away. I don’t know how best to describe what I mean, really. Maybe I’ve just been busy...
“What do you mean you’ve spent time with someone?” Dee wrote.
“ You know what I mean...” I replied. He’s behaving as though we’re together. And Blue, well, Blue, behaves like Sexless, but with the sex. Their personalities are similar – both good and not what I’d chose.

L and KS both think I should cut all contact with Dee - but I feel bad for him. He went ballistic when he claimed that I was ‘pitying him’. I didn’t think I was. I thought I was just being caring.
So, last night was the first time I felt relaxed in the flat and it was the first good sleep i’ve had for days. I’m going to be alright there. I really like the ricketyness. It’s imperfect. It’s honest. It’s not mascarading as anything other than an unpretentious living space.

Meeting a girl I used to work with for dinner this evening – then we might go and see a film. Haven’t gone to the cinema for months. Should be fun.

By the way: The contracts for the book have been signed, witnessed and are in the post Special Delivery to the publishers, as I am writing this.


Wednesday, 19 August 2009

My Life's Worth.

Moved my stuff into new place. Painted sitting room already and half the bedroom i.e 2 walls.
I have no Internet at the new place cos the Royal Mail has kindly furnished London and it’s citizen’s with a postal strike. That means that I have not had my Telewest/Virgin/Sky hub thingy delivered yet.
Fabulous! Writing this from work.

Last night L and I were like sexy, lean, hair-less truckers as we hoiked ( is that even a word? I think it is) my meagre belongings – the sum total of my life on this here planet and dragged into my new nest. Yep. That is my life’s worth – one car load.

POO! Boohoo!

(Please understand that my reaction to that is a joke, ok. Yes, I know I.Am. Worth. So. Much.More .Than. Some. Bin.Liners.Of.Clothes...)

I couldn’t have done that move last night without L. She’s a trouper is that girl - I kind of am too - In fact, I definitely am, but I pick different battles to L.

I give up much more easily than she does, with things that I do not regard as ‘beneficial to my emotional well being’... ( hope that last sentence didn’t sound too twatish.) I’m laughing now... with my tongue-in-cheek -(y)-ness.

Maybe it is the inherently lazy aspect of my nature that can’t be faffed to deal with things that cause me (what I consider to be) unnecessary stress.

For example if ‘things’, ‘stuff,’ give me hassle, I can’t be arsed with. I do not covet possessions what so ever, so I leave them be.

Last night I was willing to leave a number of items that would actually be quite useful, behind, cos it was a struggle to get them in the car. Also when L. was trying to find my place(that i was moving out of) in the dark, she couldn’t. And because i couldn’t describe how to get there, I suggested that she drive the hour back home instead of us both going through the frustration of trying to figure out how she could get to me. She was determined to find me. She sees it as a challenge and she succeeded.

People and Issues caused by them, or as a result of, are the only aspect of my life ( if I can help it) which I am willing to take on board stress for. That’s what matters to me. Trying to cram too much into a car is not the kind of fight I take on. If the stuff doesn’t fit properly, leave something behind, I say.
L. really likes to try and work out the best strategy to get the best result. I just slap it all together and see what happens....
Take this post...
Suffice to say – ( where the hell does that expression ‘suffice to say’ come from?? It’s weird, no!?)
My attitude is - Let’s just get there! Wherever there is. Give me the end result. Instant gratification! Now! Now! Now!
I don’t care about the journey.

Wellllll, I kinda do. It depends doesn’t it, huh?

Take for example the journey to plant a baby inside my tummy so it can grow in there, and keep warm until it’s ready to be hatched... Now that’s a journey I can handle...
Take the other night, not last night. I didn’t write a post last night cos I was moving house... No, I’m talking about the night before that.

What was I doing? Well, I can tell you this much mon cherries - It didn’t involve anything to do with moving house... but it did involve Blue.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

just another thrilling day!

Got picked up this morning at 11am in a black Range Rover Sport by a 6’3ft hunk. As he drove us to a country pub he was talking to me about literature, people, his passions, my passions. We arrived at the secluded, leafy area for Sunday lunch. After that we met with L, K and KS and watched ‘Coco, before Chanel’.. He then brought me home, banged me and made me gush onto his tongue, and he’s in my bed right now as I’m writing this.

...And if you believe this you will believe that pigs fly without the aid of planes, rockets or being strapped onto a sky diver’s back.

What actually happened today was more like this: I woke up early, 8am... yes, that IS early on a day off work and considering it’s Sunday.
I was still tired so I went back to bed. I got up again at 11am and called a taxi company to help me move some of my things to my new pad. I filled the people carrier with the help of the taxi driver, then we passed thru McDonalds and I got us both lunch – 2 Big Mac Meals. Yum! Can't remember the last time I ate McDonalds.

Got to the new place, unloaded the car – gave the guy an £18 tip, then got cracking with more painting.
I painted anything that couldn’t run.
The place is looking lovely as I said yesterday. I’m nearly there. Still in the old yard right now but I reckon Tuesday will be my first night in the new Gee Towers.

Exciting stuff! But I'm just so bloody tired. I still have stacks to do on my book before 21st August. Can't wait for this next week to be over - then I'll have properly moved, and of course cleaned my current place. What a barrel of laughs, eh!

Anyway, getting into the bath now, then bed, before another week begins tomorrow at 7am.
I got a feeling that this week will be the start of good,good things...

Oh one other thing... I came across a black jacket when I was unloading my stuff. It belongs to a guy.
No idea whose it is. It’s not Dees. It won’t be S’s or the photographers. I’m guessing it may belong to one Blue Boy... but I can't be sure.

Ahhh, so many men, (in) so little time...


You bite through the big wall, the big wall bites back
You just sit there and sulk, sit there and bawl
You are so pretty when you're on your knees
Disinfected, eager to please

Sometimes you sulk, sometimes you burn
God rest your soul
When the loving comes and we've already gone
Just like your dad, you'll never change

Each time it comes it eats me alive
I try to behave but it eats me alive
So I declare a holiday
Fall asleep, drift away


Gotta get to it... life, moving, organising (not my strongest point) book, packing, unpacking,feeling alone, work, early mornings, late nights, book, work, remain focused, remain focused, remain focused... just have to do it.

I don't want to - but I have no choice.

Friday, 14 August 2009

What am I turning into?

Oh balls! I’m feeling sorry for myself. Silly, silly... No particular reason. Just woke up a tad grumpy. Guess i feel that my life is revolving around my laptop; writing, Facebook, writing, writing, obsession, aloneness, focus, writing...

Bored of it.

Painting tomorrow with L.
Getting the keys for my new place. That should be exciting but right now, I’m a little indifferent. I shouldn’t be.

I have just this moment received a text from the agent. I really like her. She’s a good egg... She tells me that she has received the contract from the publishers and she wants to re-read it once more before sending it to me. That brings me massive but contained joy. It’s bizarre – this journey is so personal and my feelings about it are quite private , if you know what I mean. It’s so much more than ‘just’ a book. I don’t think I will ever really go mad with excitement – instead I will have private moments of massive elation.
Can anyone else actually share my joy? I doubt it. At least not to the level I do - or even close to it, really. Although I would gladly share it, still, other people wouldn't experience it like I do, so that makes my expression of it a bit frustrating.
Weird, 'cos I am very enthusiastic when someone does something good.

Listen to me – I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself.

So, I hope to meet the agent for dinner next week – our first meeting.
Who should pay? Me or her?
I think me, cos she’s worked so much for me with this. Another person thinks she should be paying... I mean, she gets 15% of what I get when I sign, but regardless of such things, she's worked like a cart horse and her passion has been priceless...
I reckon I should definitely pay.

Once I've signed the contract, officially the book belongs to the publishers and it is no longer mine.
Strange, strange days. After that I will be in direct contact with the publishers and officially the agent no longer plays a part, although obviously the two of us will keep contact - she's a friend-type-person and also she will represent me for my next book.

I got an email today saying that they (le publishers) would prefer me not to write any more pieces for magazines related to my own experiences.
Okey dokey...

Anyway – got cable set up today for my new gaff. Things seems to be moving in a number of positive directions.

By the way: I didn’t call on a suiter -I slept instead. God, this is what I mean... What is happening to me!? I'm pre-occupied at the moment I guess, there's a lot happening - but I did sort my self out with my plastic chum, which was very necessary.
I’m going to park the whole man-thing for at least a week, maybe two. Another two weeks without any action?? I’ve already gone over a week! Let’s see what happens after I move and settle into my new place.

Something tells me that I won’t be going for another two whole weeks of sexual abstinence.
Why would I !? This isn’t ‘Challenge Anika’ – my name’s not Anika.

Thursday, 13 August 2009


• Went out for dinner with two girls from work. Was fun. I feel like I’m settling in nicely there. It’s weird having to avoid the main part of my life: the book. But there we have it. It’s nothing new for me to have to dodge subjects which may raise eyebrows.

• Feel like I can relax a little (kinda). Sent everything that I needed to to the agent who has forwarded it all to the publisher. Now I must think about moving. I still haven’t had confirmation from the new landlord about a time to meet him to collect the keys and pay him his ££.

• Dee emailed me today. He says he feels as though he should leave me alone for a while. The reason? He’s been texting me and sending me random emails throughout the day, as if we are a couple. I simply emailed back and said 'Alright then, if that’s what you want'. I don’t know what to say to him at this point. What I do know is that he thinks (or believes) that we will get back together and it's a matter of when. I’m not at all sure about that. I just don't see how it could ever work.It just can't and as for sleeping with him. God, no. If I did that - in his mind it would be a done deal. Yikes!

• I’m sitting here in black knickers and nothing else. Standard for me to potter about at home in just about nothing. A necessary sense of freedom and a clear definition between home and the rest of the world.

• There are a lot of beautiful people in London. I really enjoy seeing the massive mix of ethnicities and the variety of lifestyles that are being lived in this city. I could sit for hours in a busy area and just watch.

• I still think about Blue. It’s not stinging me any longer but I admit that I miss the connection we had during those first few times we met. Actually, we only met a few times anyway - and I’m happy we did it.. Some very real and wonderful emotions were felt, at least by me, and I will allow myself to think that he did too. I’m not so shallow that those feelings just disappear because he’s out of sight, although obviously I can live with his absence.
My heart is not allowed to crumble. A broken heart is saved for really serious things such as my dad being taken ill – or my book not getting published. And even then – I would have to just keep forging forward.

• Am drinking coffee right now and puffing on a Marlboro Lite. Nice.

• Been loving getting to bed earlier than usual the last couple of nights. I’m feeling so much better for it. Although I have yet to get the final draft of the book to the publishers by 1st September, so no doubt early nights will come to an abrupt end after this weekend.

• This cute guy came in to work today. An American. I’ve seen him before. I wouldn’t say no... He just needs to ask...over my desk, on the near by sofa, with people watching if he wants. Now, there’s an idea - God, I’d love people watching! How horny is that!!?? Never done anything like that. As I’ve said before I’ve been quite sheltered in my sexcapades.

• I’ve got the television on for the first time in three days. Watching ‘The funny side of Politics’. Yep, funny indeed.

• Ok- think I’ve written enough. This was meant to be short – but as always , I’ve gone on and on and on and on – just like the photographer when he slips me a length... Even that’s feeling appealing right now...

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

My journey home...

So, on Saturday I am supposed to be getting the keys to my new place. I’m going there, and L and I are painting the sitting room. She’s reliable is L. Usually, I just hope that she’s still up for some painting when it comes round to it...

I can’t wait to move in, I really can’t. Gonna paint on Saturday – then start moving my things in during the following week... I’m saying this, but nothing is set in stone yet. I don’t have a removal thingy or any of that. Dee said he’d help me with his car – but I don’t want to do that...
I’ve got a feeling I’m going to be very happy in the flat once I move in.

On my way home after work today, in the rain, I saw something from under my umbrella that made me smile broadly... A baby in a buggy with a plastic rain-protector thingy covering him. He was half laying back and literally grinning from inside the dryness and comfort of his nest.
What a delight! Totally gorgeous!

After that I nearly got into a verbal with this woman who childishly pushed me out of the way so she could sit on the seat on the train that I was about to take. Now I’m not a finicky girl. Neither am I pedantic. I couldn’t give a shit about inane stuff like that – but when I say that this woman pushed me, I mean, pushed, so that she could sit next to the husband who clearly wanted to disown her after she burst into laughter and my face was like thunder...

I started with ‘ Look, don’t’... her man offered his seat.’ that’ I was about to say, with a scowl on my face.
If she’s wanted a piece, I’d have given her it. Stupid woman. I then sat opposite her because some other guy stood up allowing the pushy cow with her husband to stay next to each other and also giving me the seat that by rights, I should have been able to take. By whose rights? Mine.

Anyway, for the whole journey home I was thinking about what an asshole she’d been; but I hid it well. I try to consciously keep frowning to a minimum. I can’t afford botox ( yet) and I don’t want wrinkles.

Got home and spoke to daddy who sounded tired but my step-ma was nosey and jolly as ever.
‘How’s work?’ She chirped.
“How’s your love life?” That’s what she really likes hearing about. I tell her most things.
“None existent “ I told her. “I wish it wasn’t but that’s how it is for now.”
She was disappointed. She loves a bit of titillating gossip.

I didn't mention lunch with Dee. It didn’t actually cross my mind until now – better I didn’t anyway, that would have been fuel for our next few conversations and I can’t be bothered to talk about it right now.

I’m going to bed before 9pm this evening. I’m so rock n roll like that. My tiredness is justified - I was up at 6am this morning. Had things to do.

Ahhh, the joys! the joys!
The day I can afford a cleaner – I will officially be one of the most content women that walks this planet.

Southern Sky.

reminds of when i was 24/25 year sold... love this!

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

lunch with Dee.

I’m panicking a little over here. I’ve got to get this bloody synopsis to the agent for tomorrow morning plus I have to tidy my flat this evening before the agent shows some potential renters around tomorrow afternoon.
I can’t be arsed to do either. I hate cleaning as I’m sure you all know. And the way I’m feeling right this moment – I can’t wait to see the back of this book.
I think I’ve just about got the right content for the synopsis now and I need to string it together properly, then read, and re-read, and re-read some more. It’s all the effing re-reading that gets on my effing tits.
Anyway, I met Dee today for lunch.
He’s bloody good looking is that boy. I know I must sound a shallow cowbag for mentioning how these guys are Sooooo gorgeous that I get involved with - but I’m speaking the truth. They are. What can I say... I appreciate beauty in a man, woman, painting, building, flower, so what? You gonna take me to court over that??
Anyway, he was nervous as hell. I wasn’t. That upset him.

“Don’t you care anymore? It seems like you’ve moved on. It’s like you don’t care about me any more”

“I do.”

“You seem different”

“I’m not.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” I felt awkward saying this. I don’t want to give the wrong idea. Dee is a sensitive, open creature and I respect him. I don’t want to cause him any worry or pain.

“ I need to tell you something ...” I said. “ You know the book and its content...?”
He’s never read it. He daren’t, but he knows what it’s about.

“ Yeah.”

“ You know it’s true don’t you?”


“You know it’s all true don’t you?”

“Well, yes, most of it.”

“ No, it’s all true...” I watched him. He couldn’t look at me. “ How do you feel about that?”

“ Well, it’s all in the past.”

“Really? That’s how you feel?”

“Yeah. You are who you are today... I don’t care about all that.”

He hates talking about it, but it’s something I want him to understand.
I will have to have this same conversation with Sexless sooner of later. Some of the men I’ve been involved with, I’m sure know that I was a hooker– but they’d rather deny it to themselves.

It’s been an awful burden for me to never have been free to be wholly myself with these guys – especially if we’ve been involved in something intimate.

“ The thing is,“ I continued, “I don’t wan to have to spell all this stuff out. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Yes, I know, I know...” He deserves a medal in that case, for cracking the kryptic code.

“ Dee, I don’t want you to hate me when all this stuff comes out.”

“I love you *my name* How could I hate you. Nothing’s changed about how I feel...”

Bloody hell.
People do surprise me sometimes, you know.. . It doesn’t surprise me that Dee loves me – hey, the guy’s got good taste!

But the rest of it surprised me. How he responded. His bravery at allowing himself to have loved the whole of me, not just parts. His understanding. His tolerance. His lack of jumped-up pride. His acceptance.

Even if he is just a friend, it matters to me that he does not feel humiliated or hurt by certain facts that will be exposed by this book getting published especially since we once had a relationship.

...err, what did my Aunt used to say? Here is the perfect time:
“ Nowt so queer as folk”. Amen to that.

Monday, 10 August 2009

Together We have Power... Apart We have Powow

PLEASE COPY & PASTE and listen until the end!
you won't be disappointed...

Saturday, 8 August 2009

The Bitch in me.

I’m so excited about moving house. I am sitting here at home listening to a song which i listened to rather obsessively when I was initially writing Hooked. It reminds me of good times. I was living in a flat which was more homely than the one I live in now (which is stark and overly modern for my liking) but the last flat was similar to the one I’m moving to.

I am very bloody excited about the future. I keep getting huge waves of elation. I am very lucky, but I tell you something amigos: I try. I really try. I don’t sit back and let my desires pass by. I am proactive and I guess I am gaining rewards for that. Let’s see... I still haven’t signed the publishing contract yet. Although I should be next week. And you know what follows? The Benjamins! Moolar! Dosh! Doe! Money! Cash! Spondoolies! Paper! Dollar! Whatever you call it – its the stuff that enables me a little freedom of choice.
I’m going out tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Worked today – play tomorrow. Getting picked up at 1pm for lunch with a friend and a spot of shopping.

Earlier, when Blue and I talked and ended our ‘thing’, he suggested that we meet tomorrow, instead of sticking to our plan of today.
I wasn’t prepared to do this because his reason was - he’d gone to bed at 4 or 5am and wanted to rest. That’s not my problem – him getting home at that time. When two people first meet – even if you have no sleep you want to be with the person, right? OR you get yo ass home so you're fresh for the next day. This is not just a female thing. Men do this stuff too. I know they do... Err, i think it's called enthusiasm... prioritising...

Blue didn’t want to leave his house, he said,and he didn't want to feel ‘obliged’ to come and see me. God, I couldn’t think of anything worse than a guy feeling ‘obliged’ to come and see me. If he simply doesn’t feel like seeing me – the best thing he can do, is what he did, and stay away. For good. Unless there's a respectable reason for him canceling. Sleeping at 5am is not a good reason - that's just called - not thinking, not caring, bad time management, unorganised, insomnia. All of the above are unacceptable except of course insomnia which is not a choice.

Blue, of course will think I am selfish, or maybe he doesn’t care enough to think anything, because he's already proven that he doesn't think past his own point of view. Take his birthday - he couldn't see his part in our disagreement. Alarm bells rang for me when I realised that.

This was not the Blue show. We were supposed to be having a mutually beneficial exchange which most flings,things, liaisons or relationships should be, surely. Yeah, ok most of the time he was fine about meeting. But in these early stages to be bring that ‘I’m tired‘ shit to my door, is frankly a sign of not enough desire or care for my feelings. Oh, as for mutually beneficial if I was going to be a real bitch there's plenty more I could say about that aspect of things but I won't undignify myself.

He’s clearly used to women who put up with this bollocks or women that don't give a shit about him. He's told me that. Someone being sweet is not his thing. Not my problem.
I’m used to thoughtful men who cherish me, and I in turn cherish them. I’m not sure if because I expressed vulnerability and showed kindness and coyness that he thought I was some kind of ‘pick-her-up-and-drop-her whenever I want’ girl and that I’d constantly be there. Err, not so. Just because I tell you I love you and look at you with affection, does not mean I have lost my senses.

I’m tough and don’t tolerate thoughtlessness, since I will always think about you - first probably. If I tell you I care about you. I also show it. When i say I care, it's because I do; and I don't dish out that stuff liberally. I have too valuable a soul to hand it out willy-nilly. So when I tell you I care about you, love you, I am offering you a piece of my soul. And when you behave in a way that makes me think that you don't care like I do - then I take my soul back because I don't want you to damage it. It's the most precious thing I have.
Must you care for me in the same way as I care for you?
I deserve that.
Surely that's not self-less love, then?
Why would I care for you selflessly (especially when we've just met) if I'm not getting the same back? I'm not your mother.

And why do so many people, men in particular think that just 'cos you show a girl a good time in bed she will be hooked on you and be ridiculously pliable.
When I tell you that this is the best sex of my life and I mean it - this doesn't mean that I will allow you to treat me in any other way than totally respectfully.
When i cook you food, run us baths and tell you (maybe too often) how wonderful you are (cos i know you need to hear it)- that doesn't mean that the deal is in the bag so, you can call all the shots.

I agree to a point that sex can be massively powerful – But lest we never forget - I used to be a hooker for Christ’s sake. Amazing sex, alone, will not keep me. And it certainly wasn't/isn't about money - he doesn't have any. None. And that's not an issue for me.
But I do run a tight ship with regards loyality, care, kindness, integrity, thoughtfullness and if that sounds scarey to you - then maybe you're with the wrong person.

Ahh, the joys of early recovery. The joys of not really thinking about other people, just yourself. I don't envy him. As I told you he's about 16 months into sobriety. At that stage things are still a shambles and because you're just grateful to not be living as you were before - you don't realise.
Besides, how can you know how much better things will get until you're there...I don't regard myself as a mug for having this fling, although some people would thing that I was - but I am thankful this has re-iterated why I don't and will never be involved with another recovering addict.
They're a pain in the ass. Most of them, myself included.

As I've written in the book, I would not wish the first 2 years of sobriety on someone I dislike. Ones mind may be more steady - but all the external stuff, housing, job, money, structure, focus, ambition remains largely removed from ones life at this time. It's just a really really difficult time. You come from nothing but chaos, at least I did, so it takes a long time to really integrate into society. But don't get me wrong, despite this I would have stuck around if only Blue had shown me something more than decent sex.

I have too much going for me to hassle myself with someone who is unreliable or worse still doesn’t care enough about me to be arsed to try.

I offered Blue friendship as well as my snatch, and he's tried to take the piss.
Whatever his reasons, they're unimportant. It’s over. I’m saying these things as a type of therapy for myself. This is a process to fully let go so that by the end of tomorrow I can bury this and start the new week without giving it a second thought.

I question my ability to switch off at times. The psychologist I was seeing says that it’s a behaviour I learned when my mother left me, aged 5, as a coping mechanism. In order for me to live day by day with my loss, I had to cut myself off from the feelings I carried. Awww, that poor little girl.
I am no longer that child though, but some things become inbuilt and with my past– some things become necessary in order to survive.

But let’s face it if my switching off ability meant I never allowed myself to get close to people, that would be a real problem.

But I can. I do. But when c’est fini, c’est fini.

Moving on.

Hey, hey! Sorry I haven’t been here for a couple of days. Not even sure what I’ve been doing, really! nothing out of the ordinary... saying that I went to view a flat. Remember I told you I was thinking about moving?

Well, I saw a lovely place which is within my price range and I got it. Paid the guy a holding deposit and i get the keys in two weeks. I’m really looking forward to starting this new chapter of my life. Back to where my friends are. Back to where my old yoga studio is and back where i belong. Yaaaay! Good things are happening at the moment. Life is molding into a shape that I am liking the look of.

I can’t believe from how I felt a few weeks ago – no job, possibly now apartment,no man etc, how things have massively improved. Thank you God! Now, I have a job, and apartment to move to, still no man – but I am getting closer to the book deal day to day. Blue and I are leaving it from now.
I’m disappointed but it’s the right thing. You see, I have a no-tolerance to ... how can I put this??
stuff that makes ones lips purse.
Do you understand what I mean? I could write a lot about how I'm feeling but I’m not going to. There is nothing left to say except that I won’t be contacting him again. I’m not angry, I’m sad but I shouldn’t be - those 3 weeks we had together were magical, beautiful, sincere, that I believe.
I’m very happy that we indulged ourselves. He’s a really lovely guy. I like him a lot and I wish nothing but happiness for him. He is – happy, that is. I won’t be worrying about that. He’s a pretty buoyant guy who has a whole heap of good things coming his way. I met with him yesterday lunch time and I got to give him his birthday prezzies. They weren’t much, but I’m happy that he got them, especially since then we’ve agreed to move on. It would have pained me to have taken them back to the shop. I wanted him to have them.

So, what do we do when people or things disappoint? We move on. I’m not talking with another man. And this has a total of ZERO to do with Dee, before y’all start jumping to conclusions. I am focusing on what I am able to do – and that’s write, plan and focus on building a life.
It means everything to me. And in due time I will meet someone. It will happen. I won’t be looking, I won’t need to. Time will tell. Time tells everything.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

"Am I willing to do radio & television interviews???" Me? err, ok then.

Just got home. Been for dinner in Islington. Yummy! Had Italiano with my Honourary Dad. I had a cray fish salad and he had a moan. He’s really struggling keeping positive right now. He’s pretty down. He has trouble walking and needs to be virtually propped up. His walking stick is just not sufficient unfortunately and he is reluctant to get a wheel chair (pride) although he desperately needs one.
God only knows how he makes it down to London to come and meet me, but somehow he does.

Anyway, I’m tired now. I’ve had a good day with powerful waves of happiness about what is coming...
I’m working like a cart horse at the moment. Work is tiring because I’m not used to it yet and my head is full of the book. I’ve been working on it today and trying to answer some questions that the publishers sent me via email, about sales & marketing etc...

Getting asked questions such as am I willing to do radio and television interviews, is surreal. But there we have it. This is what comes of being in with the literati dharling!
I was also asked what are my thoughts for the front cover of the book?
Plain. Simple. I just want the name of the book on the front and that’s it.
I was also asked what are the books that are already on the market that may compete with Hooked?
Err, none. Mine’s the greatest! No, I didn’t say that. Although I should have done really. They have asked me loads of questions which I need to answer and get to them for tomorrow morning.
It’s bizarre doing this. I won’t believe it’s really happening until the book is in print, that much I already know. I’m way too cautious to allow myself to feel unadulterated excitement. Not yet.
So, right now I am tinkering with the copy and trying to really sharpen it up. It’s going well...
Tomorrow, after work I am going to view a flat. I want to move. I’m sick to death of paying through the nose, for a space the size of a garage. OK, maybe it’s a garage that would fit two Range Rovers inside it, but still...

I’m meeting L. so she can come to see the flat with me. I’m paranoid about going alone incase I get attacked by the bloke who is showing me around. It’s a private let so I can avoid agents’ fees.
Like I’ve said before I have more chance of passing a kidney stone than a credit check. Anyway I’ve spoken to the guy and he sounds alright, but you never know I may be meeting someone who has just been released from Broadmoor. Let’s hope not.
L. is hard. If he tries any funny business she’ll kick him in the bollocks while I call him a Plonker before we both run for our lives. But I’m sure that won’t be the case.
Until tomorrow my friends. Bon Nuit.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

It's all going off!

Current climate – Cool, with highs of not very, and a wind chill factor of probable.

Oh... I knew this would happen. The other day Dee – There – (I’ve mentioned his name after I said I wouldn’t) tried to add me onto his Instant Messenger list after I had deleted him from my email exeterra, exeterra... Long story short he emailed me a simple ‘hello how are you?’ And I responded.
Blue and I had a conversation about this sort of thing the other night so I know he wouldn’t mind.

Anyway, Dee and I have ’chatted ‘on Instant Messenger this morning and he very cutely asked me out on ‘a date’... Bless him.
It was very sweetly done. I don’t know what to do... It’s not a total shock. I knew he would contact me at some stage. Actually I didn’t KNOW but I suspected. Anyway, when he asked me if I’d like to do something with him (Go out with him. Nothing more!!) I told him that I’d suddenly become shy and that I would catch him later in the day.
I’m so passionate when it comes to people that I like that right now I feel as though I am plotting a coup against Blue’s position in my heart, despite Blue’s behaviour yesterday being callous and thoughtless.

I guess I feel like I do because the two of us ( Blue and i) haven’t had a conversation about us ‘doing our own thing’... I get the feeling that I probably won’t hear from him again. And so he won’t hear from me again. Who knows? We may, we may not as I may or may not let Dee take me out.

Monday, 3 August 2009

feeding my soul.

good tings a'gwaan!

don't look back in anger.

Just started watching Human Traffic. So fucking funny! I love, love this film! It has me in stitches every single time I’ve seen it. It just doesn’t lose it’s humour value however many times I’ve watched it! If you haven’t seen it – please, please do yourself a favour and go to HMV spend 3 quid and treat yourself. It’s in the sale.

What a day. I’m getting into my work now... I think I’m kinda settling in and becoming accustomed to what the hell is supposed to be going on in there.
I like it. I’m pretty pleased with the whole set up. I’ve been very lucky and fallen on my feet.
Yep, things are falling into place. Or at least they appear to be...
You never know it could all change tomorrow. It could – but I’m hopeful that it won’t.
Take Blue. Yesterday I was saying that it’s his birthday - and surprise surprise it still is, but the thing that has changed is that I’m no longer taking him out as was previously arranged.
I’d booked for us to go to a restaurant on Kings Road. I got them to make a cake and add his name onto it and birthday candles. Nice huh.

I bought him some cool Addidas trainer, a shirt and a bag. None of which he has got. I can’t be bothered to go into the reason. Basically he was meant to meet me after work at 5.45 – at 5.25 I got a text from him saying that he’s just ‘got home and could do with a little lie down, plus don’t wanna rush’.
He wasn't trying to cancel, he says. He just wanted us to meet later.
Right, let me get this straight - someone, not anyone, but me - kind, generous, affectionate, gorgeous, Me has arranged for you to have a small birthday celebration which You told me you wanted to participate in. I've gone out of my way not only to arrange this but financially, and you're at home when you're meant to be meeting me?

Mate, you've had hours to get yourself to my work place for the designated time.
Please don't try to take the piss or mistake me for a door mat.

I made the effort to arrange dinner, bought and wrapped your presents and after eating we were going to an art house cinema which has sofas and waitress service, to go and watch a film that I though you would like. I’ve paid for this already so I’m just gonna write it off.

Oh dear. Things didn’t work out.
Too bad.

OK – I want to tell y’all something.... It’s a half-secret.... I will whisper it... come closer... come closer...
OK, ready?

I finally got my book deal.