Friday, 29 January 2010

Self Indulgent - Moi ?

Who are you? Do you even know? I mean, do you really know? Do you change quickly? OK, maybe like me, your core values remain the same –(and yes, I do have them despite a wayward past!) but do you see yourself differently from day to day? Does your mood change quickly? Mine can. Usually by me allowing other people too much power over my feelings.
Could you say that you’re happy most of the time? Perpetually depressed? Always grouchy? Always upbeat? OK, I could probably say I’m always frisky ... and no doubt, you’d agree that you are too, eh, but that probably wouldn't be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I’ve just posted a photo of me smiling. I look happy. I often see myself objectively, in fact more often than not. I see the photo and it makes me sad. Of course, that sadness is about my past. The lost innocence thing.
I deeply regret having lived how I did and doing the things that I did. I don’t live in the regret – absolutely not – but if I could turn back time and change things would I; even it it meant that I would have less understanding of people, suffering, and life? And what if, say, I would swap who I am today and become more of an arsehole. Would I still go back and change things?

Damn right I would. I would change the lot!

I want to be able to look at an up-to-date photo of me looking happy and be able to embrace it for what it is, instead of feeling glum that I fucked up. Yeah, I know, I know I’m fighting back, I know that – but really, you will never understand the ricochet effect my past has had on my whole life; my father’s life, my perceptions. Everything has been tainted by it. Everything. This is one hangover that will take years to rectify, if ever.

I find it all rather sad. Not that it’s me. But that someone can do that to themselves. There is still a little girl inside me (you can see in the smile that is poking from the photo)and it makes me want to cry thinking about how that little girl was loved dearly by my father – and yet I crumpled on everything he created and everything that I was and was growing to be.

But, my loves, as I’ve been told numerous times in past therapy sessions, I am no longer that little girl. Yeah, she’s around, very much some times! But it is Clare, the woman who dominates today. (I keep telling myself this, maybe I’ll start to believe it sometime, then act it.) And I need to remind myself that Clare the woman, is entitled to smile inspite of past dodginess. I’ve analysed the arse out of myself for years and today I wouldn’t go to a therapist if they paid me. I’m therapied out, for the time being, and I need to focus on moving forward not always looking back.
This kind of chat, here, is very self indulgent and must come across as an egotistical so-and so. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. Who knows? I’ve no doubts that you’d do the same if you were writing a blog about your own life. Justify me!

But ultimately, as I’ve said before with regards to everything in life – I guess:
‘The people that matter don’t mind. The people that mind, don’t matter’
Hear hear!

smiling for a change!

Music Personality

You know that I love music, right? OK – So I have inserted links to four tracks that are apparently representative of me, who I am, aspects of my personality, if not, big chunks of the whole.

Groove is in the heart, Deelite - nominated by SG, one of my closest girl friends from oop north who knows me very, very well.

Cornflake girl, Toris Amos - nominated by KS, a friend that I’ve known since I was 19 years old.

Roads, Portishead - nominated by me. This is how I view myself, my inner workings and the person that I am when I’m alone.

Finally, this, below, is how I wish I was all the time...
If you don't like this track then I really just don't know what to say anymore my darlings... I really will not know what to say.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

My fella is moving In...

Oh my... I’m blummin' pooped!
Work has been absolutely hectic the past two weeks; the end of the tax year is very significant for my work place. Hells bells! At least tomorrow will signify its end, and the start of a little more tranquility in the office.
I’ve been absent from here for a couple of reasons:

1. I’m plain tired and I have been too whacked to write the blog after work and too busy during the day. Sorry.

2. I’ve been weaning myself off the addictional tendencies I develop when on Facebook, daily. It takes up too much time and prevents me from focusing on doing the stuff that I want to do for my future. All the hours spent on Facebook, I could be spending some of those on researching production companies and getting to grips with the treatment that I am writing for a documentary proposal. But I want to keep in contact with the friends that I’ve made on here – and I thank you for your patience.

3. I need and want to get involved with charity work and I need to get on with that in order to make it happen. If my emotional struggles cannot be turned into positives by helping other people – I feel I will not be quite whole.

4. Finally, another reason I've cooled off from writing a daily blog is because Blue told me a little over a week ago that he sometimes gets confused between Clare and Missy Gee and this upsets him. I don't want him to be upset, so I've taken a breather.
As I’ve said time and time again, apart from my openness and honesty, in person I am not how I write. My verbal tone is not so grrr! (most of the time)
I am not as mouthy, blunt or as crude as I may make out. I'm confident but often shy. Most of the time I am Clare, the girl my father brought up, who is not exactly so Leary as the style of the writing within the book and on occasions, this blog. And this is the Clare that I want to be, the majority of the time.

Anyway, I’m here now, and I intend to participate more over the coming weeks, mon cheries. I simply need to be vigilant because I don’t like walking into my flat after work and instantly I reach for my lap top. I have a rounded life and I don’t think that it is healthy for me to spend too much time online.
So... there are less than 100 days (By God's Grace) until Hooked is published. Yaay!
I am not sure if I made a formal announcement – but I need to tell yous something –
Hooked is no longer going to be published in March. It will now be ready for you in May. God, I was in tears when I found out. I was at work wailing my head off!
But I soon realised that this is better for many reasons; airport sales being a huge one, and lets face it, many thousands of books are bought by people heading off to foreign destinations. Sound odd? – but it’s true.

It’s all going to be good. I have faith. I’m not thinking too much about the publication date, to be truthful. I have so many things that I am doing right now (or should I say, working towards) that May will come in due course. That’s such a silly statement – Of course the month of May will come, and only when it comes!

Right, I’m going to eat some Moussaka then watch a film.
By the way: Blue is moving into my place over the weekend...........
............. only for 4 weeks! worry not!

will tell all tomorrow.

By the way: If you haven't seen the new book cover - take a look here...

Sunday, 24 January 2010

It's About Perception, Right?

Life is difficult.
Have you read ‘The Road Less Traveled’? I haven’t. Not yet. I’ve had it with me for years but never read it. I’ve flicked through it and the most poignant thing I noticed within the book is the opening line. ‘Life is difficult’. Maybe for some more than others.
I have no idea how you, sitting there reading this cope with life. I only know how I do. If I could tune down my emotions I’m sure I’d have a far more pleasant experience of living, more of the time – or maybe not... I just talk about the strife, rightly or wrongly and maybe that breathes unnecessary life into difficulties.
Regardless, one must work with what they are today, right?
I find living fucking nearly impossible sometimes, although thank God I understand that it is all about perception. Many things are a mirage. They do not have to stay how I initially perceive them – but sometimes my perception is rather murky, if not utterly clouded; and tell me, when does one decide they are kidding themselves and not living in reality?

I’ve had a wonderful few days with my parents. I think it’s fair to say they did too. We were more relaxed in each other company than ever before. Lovely. And then today as they left we bickered.
The issue? Blue and me. They really like him. They met him twice. I knew they’d like him. So what is the problem? Our situation. The fact that Blue has an arduous journey ahead of him. Trying to rebuild ones life is both emotionally and practically immensely difficult – particularly when you have never had possessions, a ‘proper’ job, and secure place to live.
This is the same journey that I have been taking over the past six years, therefore I know the emotional and practical difficulties that he faces. My parents are concerned that I should perhaps consider the hardships of being with someone who is not earning an income and who is not settled, no property etc, and think that this may not be conducive with my happiness and my desire to reach my own personal goals, marriage, children, peace of mind - and to be fair, I would like a certain standard of living : two or three holidays a year, a house, the ability to buy stuff that i want without thinking about it. I’m talking basics. Albeit some pricey(ish) basics, but I’m not talking Cartier and Jo Malone candles.
I’d like to be able to eat out maybe two or three times a week without counting pennys. Obviously this is before children come along.... But one thing at a time, eh?! This is not a tall order – this is normal living, for me.

I get so fucking confused at times and I don’t know what is real and what is the right thing. How does one prioritise with such things? Fuck.
I mean, at what point does someone give up on something or someone? When it causes pain? How much pain? At what point are they wrong to continue in something that is causing strife for their individual life? So if I was with a man who lost his job should I do a runner? At which hurdle is it ‘expected’ that I bugger off? OK, my folks may argue that it may help if I was with someone who indeed had a job to lose. They certainly seem to think that life would be more pleasant for me if I wasn’t on a roller coaster ride due to the struggles that my partner is going through. Fuck. Is 6 months too soon to decide to support someone going through a tricky situation? How long do I wait to see the reward? Because I am no saint and I want a payback. I would want us to get something good as a couple from the bollocks we’re both going through now. But there we go - another of life’s realities. There are no guarantees.
Do I leave Blue to be with someone who has a job, house, career and who is not a recovering addict? Or perhaps a recovering addict who has his shit in order already? I’m into my thirties already, I know that. My step-ma kept reminding me. OK OK, I’m aware of my own date of birth for Christ’s sake.

Blue is having a drama right now involving finding a flat, guarantors, immediate future. He’s down, anxious, worried and I don't know what I can do. He can stay with me - but I know he wants the experience of living alone and being self sufficient. Just as I did. Just as I relied on men to get by when I used drugs - Blue relied on women. He may have to move out of where he stays now on Wednesday and he’s in a state of panic. This rubs off on me. I get the feeling that this may be a cycle that we, I, will be presented with very frequently. OK, once he moves it won’t be his accommodation that is the issue, it’ll be another...

There is little that is secure and settled with him right now. So. ................ When the hell am I supposed to decide to jump ship and leave someone that I love??
Why is it that my head is buzzing and insecurities are so often rife in my head? I’m so fucking bored of my insecurities. They are an afliction which I feel every day. Many days self doubt grips me for much of the day. Should I therefore be alone and not bother being with someone? Insecurity takes me hostage usually only when I’m involved with someone.
Can someone please quieten my head please?

Ahh, yes. It’s simply about perception. Right?

" Yes Clare, it is. So, pull ya socks up - just for you."

OK, OK, I'll try.... Gonna have a bath. Then spring back, right? Is it that simple?

"It can be. Happiness is a choice."

I've heard all that before. Sometimes it ain't that easy.

" Try ... Try... That's all you can do."

Right - OK, I will......

copy and paste:

Friday, 22 January 2010

the Two Men in My Life.

Ah-ha! I’ve just noticed that I haven’t written a post since the one where I was complaining about Blue and that girl who relapsed and how upset and angry I was that he felt compelled to go to her ‘rescue,’ despite her being an old bed-buddy, of sorts.
Well after 72 hours of what can best described as hell on earth, Boy Blue and I finally sorted things out. He has promised not to respond to the said girl’s texts or calls. I can only hope that he doesn’t. I trust him, but let me tell ya - before we got to the point of things becoming steady again, the boy and I had a huge bust-up; the biggest that we’ve had. I want to go into detail but it’s better that I don’t. Suffice to say that if you’d been travelling on the district line approximately 20.30 one day last week (I think it was last week) then you may have witnessed it and heard it. Or perhaps I should say me, not ‘it.’
I lost the plot and behaved in a manner that was not uncommon when I used drugs, but very unusual now I am a clean living-ite. So, after tussling with Blue (because I desperately wanted him to listen to me and I felt that he wasn’t) I broke down, sobbed and he held me. Then the anxiety kicked in, and the mis-trust was forcing me to consider finishing this thing for good. He knew that’s how I felt and he made some moves in order to prevent me walking away.

So, it’s good, for now. I’m over the fury about some random woman entering my life and my relationship uninvited and causing a ruckus. I haven’t heard anything about this girl from Blue over the past week and I don’t suppose that if he’d heard from her (which would put him in a vulnerable position) that he’d be able to keep it to himself; at the very least without me suspecting. He’s very sensitive is Blue; easy to read.

NEWS: Daddy Gee and his Missus are in London. They arrived yesterday and are staying in a hotel. My place is too small – and smokey, and for non-smokers, that’s not pleasant. My words not theirs, altho they were round at mine last night and I cooked my soon-to-be-known-as signature-dish seared smoked salmom, with prawns and leaks in a light peppery/garlic sauce served with couscous.
Blue and I are getting together with them after I leave work today. First time Blue will meet my Pops. I’m excited! I’m interested to see what they make of each other. I get the feeling that they will recognise themselves in one another. Awww, cute! Yipppeee!!

By the way, complete change of subject: if any of yous are any good at power point – I could do with some help to tidy up this presentation thingy I’m trying to do.
Muchos love.

Doing Stephen Fry.

I’ve recently done a Stephen Fry and just buggered off without warning. I guess I should apologise.
I’m here. Not sure why I disappeared, but I did. There’s nothing wrong. In fact, the opposite – things are fantastic in Gee Towers, with laptop and with the Boy Blue.
I must have felt a desire to detach a little. Just like any intimate relationship I get involved in, I have these urges at times to be removed from it and I often do exactly that – detach – think only about myself, then come back.

In the book ‘Men are from Mars Women are from Venus’ they talk about males of the species being like rubber bands. They will ebb and flow as part of their natural development through a relationship and it means nothing. Well, there we have it. I am like a man, clearly.

I guess I dislike feeling responsibility towards people. A little is fine, more than that and I fluctuate between feeling mild irritation, to panic.
Anyway – a step back does me the world of good and now mon amores – Je suis back; stronger, sexier, more focused and finding it hard to walk. That Blue ... Jesus, he puts me through it... clare gee: Books clare gee: Books

Thursday, 14 January 2010

I am fu**ing furious / am I being selfish?

So – I am in a quandary and I need your help ... I can’t decided whether I should take my usual stance of integrity and not tell you what is pissing me off, or whether I should just go for it...I think I will just go for it.
I’ll try and keep it as simple as possible – which you know will be very difficult for me and I will try even through my anger to just tell you the facts, without loading it to make me sound betrayed, which is how I feel.

Current mood: fury mixed with intense anxiety. I haven’t eaten all damn day.
Reason? Blue.

There is a girl. Blue had a fling with her, of sorts, when he first left rehab 18 months ago. Before we ever met. They had no chemistry – she was cold as ice and he was nervous as hell – so all in all it was disastrous, he tells me. I believe him. Regardless of this he got quite attached to this girl. I’ve seen a photo of her – she’s very pretty and like so many men – I think he stupidly got hypnotized by that.
When they were ‘seeing’ each other, Blue wanted her to show him affection and she was unable to– she had her own shit to deal with, and simply put they weren’t right for each other. This attempt at a relationship went on for around 2 month, with apparently awkward attempts at sex occurring 3 or 4 times. I don't remember. The two of them ended up just hanging out more than screwing. It’#s a hellish time when one leave rehab. Everything is magnified and you’re a nervous wreck as a rule. This girl lives abroad – but I have found out today that she is currently in London. She is a recovering addict too – and last night she relapsed. She took drugs again after a few years abstinence and in her panic who did she call? No – not Ghost Busters – instead she called Blue. Why?
I knew they have occasional contact on facebook – but this? She fucking relapses and she calls Blue? So, my dear Blue who understand that our ‘new’ relationship is fragile and we’re both insecure so we must be vigilant with regards considering one another's feelings, agrees to take her to an NA meeting today.
Come lunch time when he was meant to meet her - he called and her phone was off. So that was that.
I happened to call Blue to see if he wanted to meet for lunch, unaware of any of this and that’s when he told me about what had happened. WTF? OK, she relapsed. Surely she has other friends in London that she could have contacted? ‘No one she trusts enough to let them know that she used drugs again’ says Blue. OK, I understand that she doens’t want all and sundry to know about her current situation –BUT - WTF?? 'No one at all other than Blue that she fucking trusts?'

Nah, I ain’t having this – “If you go with her to a meeting, I’m telling you, that will be a sign to me that you want nothing more to do with me.” I barked at him. “Take that as a threat or whatever you want – It’s a fair warning. I feel like you’re taking the fucking piss out of me.” I stormed out of the cafe.
OK I get that the girl needs help – but honestly? I think Blue should put my insecurities first and he should have advised her to contact someone else – someone that they both know, instead of him arranging to meet her today. If she had picked up her phone at lunch time I wouldn’t have known he was meeting her until afterwards. That behaviour is meant to be off limits within the realms of our relationship. He would argue that this woman was distressed – therefore he has to help another ‘addict’ who is asking for help. This is the real fucking worl mate. I hear you, I really do - but you know I'd hate it... so why did you just go ahead?
She's not a kid. She's lived in London for years before this. She knows the coup with regards meeings... She knows people from NA - there is simply not an iota of doubt about that.
I’m fucking angry. After everything ...
To me this shows an acute inability that Blue has to prioritise. That or he's tottally disregarded my feelings.
I think my feelings should have come first. I am resolute that he should have got someone else to take her to a meeting.

Now, my second quandary. Am I being a selfish shit?? Blue seems to think so, and maybe I am – but I reckon he’s saying that to point the finger at me instead of having the fucking humility to tell me that he understand why I feel that he has been sneaky.
A friend of mine ( who i've slept with, so it's the same situation as Blue and this girl ) relapsed recently and I didn't meet him. I gave him advise and told him who to call. I didn't meet him because Blue’s feelings are my priority. That may sound hardcore to you. To me, it’s about prioritising.

I’m fucking angry as hell. I’m not one of those people that cools down and starts idealising a relationship which has combusted. Hell no – I get angrier for a while – then I become indifferent – but I never glorify.

Blue, in my opinion has acted like a short sighted puppy dog who clearly has forgotten who feeds him.
“ Go chase the relapse, maybe you’ll rescue her and she’ll fall into your arms.” I text him afterwards.
He text back that I am selfish and he doesn’t want that in his life – ‘I'm astounded by your lack of empathy. don’t text me back.’ He added.

Don’t worry, I won’t.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

NEW WORD: ' Shitanigans'

I’m sitting here in a white vest and black leggings, scoffing vanilla fudge, drinking PG Tips and listening to La Traviata while trying to make room in my brain to start writing some more of UnHooked.
I must seem anal always banging on about ‘trying’ to write this second book – but the conditions must be right for me to write. (Excuses, excuses) Cool room temperature, tummy not too full of food and I must try to detach my thoughts of anything other than what I am writing about. Right now I am unable to do that because:
1. I’m writing this blog.
2. I have music playing.
3. I am excited. I got sent a second cover for Hooked and I love it!
4. I’m thinking about the weekend. Nothing happening apart from seeing Blue. Ahhh, we’re in love!

So all in all – Je suis not ready just yet. Maybe writing this post will help me get into the tap, tap, tapping mood I need to be in – get a bit of a flow going, over here...
I didn’t go to work today. It was lovely having a day off, but back to it tomorrow, when after work I start that grammar course I told you about. I can’t wait! I love to feel as though I am helping myself to become better. I get a real buzz from it. In fact living life consciously and always trying to be better I find rather thrilling. I actually get huge elation from it. Call me boring – I don’t mind. I’ve done my shitanigans (new word alert! 'shitanigans' Do we like??) – I'm now on a different thing all together.

Blue and I had a chat the other day... We talked about some of the stuff that we fantasise about. I’ve discovered that he is not as ‘liberal’ as he has tried to portray himself to be. He thought it’s what I wanted to hear. I’m relieved that he’s not out to prove his liberalness any more , cos liberal is not exactly a word I choose to descirbe myself, sexually. Phew!
Just cos I was once a hooker, please don’t be naive and think that, that makes me some libertarian. You’d be wrong. I sold my ass to get money for cocaine. It was deeper than that – but I’m not going into all that now. It's too complex.
But the point is, sex for money was a survival thing and a sensible one at the time.

If you don't understand that – I’m happy for you. That means that your life went in a different direction to mine. I don’t hold that against you – so don’t hold my past against me –and if you do – remember that it is God that will cast the last stone – not you.
The sex with clients was mostly pedestrian. It certainly wasn’t like some books will have us believe - fisting, pissing, getting pissed on, having spunk facials. Fuck, no! You gotta be kidding. I don’t that stuff with a man I’m in love with, never mind a bloody stranger...

There is a vast difference between how a person is when they are on drugs and drinking too much and they are selling themselves compared to when they’ve not touched a drop of alcohol or drugs for nearly 6 years and have changed their day to day habits. A female friend of mine is probably the most reserved woman that I know, sexually, and she was street walker for years.

You see – you can’t really know someone based on facts, can you? Time and an open mind gets you closer to experiencing the real person. And that, my friends is not rocket science.

Monday, 11 January 2010

True Blue & Daddy Too.

I’ve had a glorious weekend tra la la la laa... I’m happy. OK, so Blue and I had our dispute last night which lasted all of 15 minutes -11 minutes of which were spent in silence. That’s when I wrote that minuscule post. The whole thing was silly. I was tired and I get waspish when I’m tired or hungry. Not too dissimilar to a baby, actually... Blue and I had just spent three perfect nights together and two whole days – and then I got arsy about a minor something. Blue is an analyst and because he didn’t just give me a simple answer to what I saw as a simple question – I got impatient and ratty. He is not an arguer, so after a few minutes silence we looked at each other and started chuckling. We smooched then lay on the sofa and he massaged my hands as we discussed the problem properly and sorted it out within moments.
I don’t want to bleat on about how good things are between us – oh, OK then, I will. Nah, I won’t ! You’ll want to throw up if I do! I’ll just say that things are significantly better than they ever were. The thing is, Blue has changed somehow. God only knows that I understand fully how long and difficult choosing a conscious path of change, is – but it’s true that I’m experiencing Blue differently to how things were before our breakup. Perhaps he hasn’t changed at all - perhaps I have, maybe we both have. Whatever the case, for today – and today is all we have - we’ve both changed and things are happier and happy. I don’t feel as though I am giving, giving, giving with very little back any longer. I have been getting everything back that I’ve been giving. And by that I mean emotionally.
We clearly love each other. That wasn't really the question - the issue I had before was that I felt he didn't show me how he loved me. I heard his words but that just isn't' enough. I'm not a teenager or an idiot. Boy Blue is converting the words into actions. In fact we’ve barely told each other that we love each other, of late. I've certainly not been saying it.
I'm still waiting to see how things go.

Like everyone we’re both just trying to muddle our way through our lives the best we can – and things cannot be perfect all the time or instantly. We’re doing good and I hope it continues, and if it doesn’t I’m not going to fall apart. I won’t because I won’t allow myself to. Well, I say this now – but if we were married with children and then he left me – then yeah,I’m sure I would crumble into numerous tiny pieces. But we’re nowhere near any of that stuff yet so I’m not going to concern myself with that stuff. As I said, today is all we have.

I spoke to daddy earlier who’s still hibernating from the ice and cold. My step-mama and he are both looking forward to visiting London in two weeks. I’m looking forward to it too. It's nice when we talk. We’re all very open. Our relationship is good. I don’t have to keep secrets from Pappy, thank God. There is nothing that my father doesn’t know about me, and there is nothing that he doesn’t forgive me for. So when I talk to him about Blue – both daddy and his wife do not judge or worry about his past. They accept that I am trying every day to be a better person than I was the day before and that I wouldn't be with someone who hasn't got something special. They are accepting of me and they trust my judgements. And that is a great leveller for me. At times like last night when I have a minor bicker with my boyfriend, I try to remember to breath – and think about what I have in my life (albeit on the surface it appears to be little), and I realise just how lucky I am that I am free from my shackles and that daddy loves me.
Step-ma really wants to meet Blue. She loves a nosey. Good on her! I'm sure she'll get her desire. I’ve rarely introduced boyfriends to the two of them and when I have that's when they know that plans are being made.

My father is healthy and he told me today that he is proud of me, and he’s proud of the woman I am growing into. And that is immeasurable. Despite everything they both leave the past where it belongs and by some mystical gift from God - they still manage to look to the future with hope, and no matter what – nothing can beat that.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Current Climate: Angry

I’m knackered. I’m in the middle of an argument with Blue and I really haven’t the energy to write this post, now. I can’t be funny, light hearted or anything other than fucking annoyed, right now. The weekend has been wonderful – until approximately 15 minutes ago. I’m currently feeling anxious and angry about how he (some times) does not give plain and direct answers to simple questions. Or maybe he does – but I am not satisfied with his response. I don’t know. I’m not thinking straight at the minute. He’s sitting right here next to me on the sofa and our last words spoken were ‘Well fuck you then’ – by both of us.
No doubt we’ll be all right shortly and tomorrow I will fill you in on what’s been happening over the weekend.
I hope you had an enjoyable weekend without any bickering.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Moaning Mini

Dear Cosmos – I am placing my order for you to let me know clearly what will make me happy in my life. And by that I am mean, things that I can cope with which will enable me to be comfortable with myself and not cringe when I look in the mirror.
As you know, dear Universe I am more than capable of getting myself into situations that will have you spinning on your axis and wondering WTF?

You see the thing is I know what I want in some respects – to write successful books, to align myself with a couple of worthy causes, to feel content, to be a better friend, to manage to get through January without using my damn hair straighteners which are wrecking my hair.
My problems (and there are many, my friends) come when I try to align myself with another person. Anything to do with another human being i.e. a man (within the context of a relationship) and it all becomes hazy.

All may be alright if it wasn’t that I want things in my life that involve having a partner – primarily children, marriage, unique camaraderie. Now, these things are all well and good – but because I am fickle, it seems, I seem to be having a problem achieving these goals. It’s weird, cos I am madly intense, passionate, fiery, yet very calm, soft, passive. I change like the wind and what I feel I want in one moment changes dramatically the next. It’s tres confusing at times. I don’t want to wake up one day aged 50 and wonder why I’ve spent the whole of my younger years questioning and not fulfilling.
I also don’t want to be a single parent – I was raised in a single parent family and I wish for my child ( ideally) to have two folks at home. But the idea of being attached to one person for bloody years is frightening! (You know me I’m used to doing it in twos.... bigamy alert! Oops. That’s all in the past, now) Although it can be romantic on a good day. But tell me, who in the name of God is interesting enough to be with exclusively for years and years? Is that where this ‘working at it’ comes into action? Zzzzz...

Take Blue – I’d marry him next week. I’m easy like that (stating the obvious there) but he wouldn’t marry me next week. He's too much of a realist. 'Realist' or
'spoil sport?'

"I was joking P.C Plodd. Honest."

Blue likes a little more ‘getting to know each other’ time and having this and that in place first (financially.)
Between us we do have a pot to piss in – but that pot is currently empty; of money and urine.

God, I'm a whingy cow-bag tonight.

Do you know where these thoughts have sprung from? Of course you don't know – you’re not a mind reader...

Last night Blue told me that he is doing an add-on course as part of his acting training. It is for two hours on a Sunday. He’s aware (progress) that it eats into the only full day we get with each other and so he’s reluctant to do it ( ahh, told you he's changing)
But the fact is, I'm aware that it would be good for him to do it (very grown up, me *coughs*) BUT ( and we all know the word ' But' cancels out what has preceded it) this has pissed me off, and I’m wondering if I will be able to commit to something/someone when I fear that my needs may not be met. He’s adorable and I know he doesn't want to lose me again. I know that this time and he’s really trying to make me understand that he wants me (and I do understand) but perhaps, just maybe this won’t work.
*Mystic Meg strikes again*

You see, I’m annoyed with myself for flinching as soon as I get wind of possible trouble ahead. 'Trouble' in the form of me not spending enough time with my fella... But like I said I'm no mind reader and nothing bad has happened. And it's unlikely to... the only thing that may happen will be that we don't work out a way to spend a couple of nights together a week and I continue to sulk - then we fall apart. For the gazillionth time.

Le problem, mi amigos is this:
I. Need. To.Spend. Regular. Time. With. A. Man. That. I'm.Into.


But when two people are trying to carve out their individual (creative)futures and so much bending is required to accommodate one another's obsessions around their individual desires, I question just how much I can or I’m willing to bend. I am not willing to relinquish my own desires and happiness for this. Certainly not. I’ve lived in misery for too many years to hand my regular peace of mind to another.
During the time Blue and I split up I wondered if indeed it’d be far more fun to dabble here there and wherever I want to, with no commitment. Then I wake up and admit that I’m too emotional to do that. Poop! I can’t believe I was a bloody hooker! How? I can’t do casual sex - unless it’s a hit and run. One night only – then I’m OK. But any of that texting malarky and flirting after the event and I start getting attached. It’s bollocks, it really is. I thought I was a sassy woman with enough experience to put aside minor emotional issues such as other people. I mean, in defense of my sass, I don’t get majorly ‘attached,’ just a bit, and I’m certainly not clingy. But the lucky recipient of my punani lives in my head rent-free for too long. Wouldn't life be easier if we went back to a time of chaperones and courtships that were arranged by desperate mothers who lived to see their daughters marrying 'up.' Bah-humbug.
I sound like such a sap. Look – I’ve still got it in me; the ability to do what the hell I want and " if y'all don’t like it, well.... talk to the hand, aiiight!"
*Wanders off sheepishly*

Actually I don’t have that ability, really. Not to the extent I’d like anyway.

Hmm... in fact I don't actually know what the hell I’d like. No, actually I do.
But I want it, how I want it, when I want it, and it’s always other people that throw stupid spanners in my works and tell me that it’s reckless to do things hastily and I must take time and slow down.


Saturday, 2 January 2010

greener grass

"It's true the grass may be greener - but it's always as hard to cut."

Alan Lane - WCS c.1996

Friday, 1 January 2010

Another Fresh Start

Blimey, what a fabulous few days full of surprises!
I went to see daddy and his wife yesterday and had New Year with them. Blue met me from the train this afternoon and I went back to his place for a late lunch and some sweet lurrrving, and now I’m back home.

I’m very pleased that I have passed the 40,000 word mark on the first word-dump of UnHooked, so that is great progress, for me! I’ve really struggled to get cracking with this second book. In fact I’ve wondered at times if I can indeed write it at all. But, currently, I’ve got some fire in my belly and while it’s smouldering, I need to tap into it and stoke it - get a flame burning.
I’m feeling a smidgen more confident with what I am trying to do with this book. I had lost focus for months, as you know. I’ve yapped on about UnHooked and done exactly zilch in recent weeks, until the other day when I worked until 5am. Night time is my best time to write. At least it was while working on Hooked – and again it seems to be this time round. Pity really, cos when I go back to work next week – working through the night will be impossible.

Anyway, my friends, Blue and I are back ON. Yeah sir ree! You heard it hear first amigos – it’s ON and I’m happy about this. He’s special. We have an intense connection which he tried to deny, due to fear and his insecurities. Poor boy couldn’t understand why I wanted to be with him when he has nothing. No money, no home of his own, no car, he’s only 18 months into his recovery – but he is hugely intelligent, charismatic, interesting, gentle, sexy, focused and his soul is one that I have known for eternity. That’s what I think anyway – sounds like bollocks? I don’t think so...
Our month apart made him realise that he wanted us to work out and that he had to at least try to let go of some of his insecurities and trust that who I say I am – I actually am. The way I behaved seemed ‘ too good to be true’ apparently. That’s quite nice to hear isn’t it?
After he trawled through my emails (without me knowing it) that was the final seal to help him understand that I am genuine. I wasn’t up to mischief. I am loyal. I am only focused on creating a career for myself and I don’t fool around or treat people like idiots just because they can’t see me during every moment of every day. I care more about Blue’s security than my privacy. Maybe that’s wrong – but what the hell... Some times, I believe, one must do whatever it takes. As long as it doesn’t directly undermine or damage ones self esteem.

So things are feeling alright in my camp. In fact better that alright. I’m pretty good – the past few days have been exciting. There is a shift in Blue which is lovely and I appreciate it – but as I’ve said before I don’t easily lose my mind over these things. Yes, I’m passionate and when I decide to give myself to someone or something I put full energy and love into it – but I’m not a mug – uh-uh... nope. And I’m always aware that despite how much love I feel – there are millions of people in this world. If things don’t work with the one I’m with – then I will meet another, at some point. Blue knows this and he also knows that I want him. Although he feels that I’ve relaxed a little. Maybe I have. I always did want to be with him – but the difference now is that he accepts that if he doesn’t give me a high priority position in his life, then he can sod off and get on with it without me.

So, my loves 2010 is here! Yippeee! I’m very excited about this year. This is the year that I’m going to work my arse off in order to make 2011 a dream of joys that I can’t quite imagine will happen to me.
We all have the gift of 12 very precious and fresh months to make the most of. Each month goes by so quickly, there is no time to waste. Each week within that month is a passing set of days with potential to plan, think, execute foundations for your goals. Every day within that week is time to build, love, give, create, enjoy and be grateful that you have another hour to become better than you were in the previous one.
I wish you all genuine happiness and at the least contentment; but contentment is happiness, right? Well, it is in my life. Peace, is happiness, for me. Peace = contentment in the land of Gee. If it is or isn’t or if I’m talking poop, it doesn’t matter. I wish you smiles – and plenty of them!

By the way: Word for January – We’ve relegated ‘Poo’ and now it’s all about ‘ Poop’ – you like?? I do too.