Sunday, 24 January 2010

It's About Perception, Right?

Life is difficult.
Have you read ‘The Road Less Traveled’? I haven’t. Not yet. I’ve had it with me for years but never read it. I’ve flicked through it and the most poignant thing I noticed within the book is the opening line. ‘Life is difficult’. Maybe for some more than others.
I have no idea how you, sitting there reading this cope with life. I only know how I do. If I could tune down my emotions I’m sure I’d have a far more pleasant experience of living, more of the time – or maybe not... I just talk about the strife, rightly or wrongly and maybe that breathes unnecessary life into difficulties.
Regardless, one must work with what they are today, right?
I find living fucking nearly impossible sometimes, although thank God I understand that it is all about perception. Many things are a mirage. They do not have to stay how I initially perceive them – but sometimes my perception is rather murky, if not utterly clouded; and tell me, when does one decide they are kidding themselves and not living in reality?

I’ve had a wonderful few days with my parents. I think it’s fair to say they did too. We were more relaxed in each other company than ever before. Lovely. And then today as they left we bickered.
The issue? Blue and me. They really like him. They met him twice. I knew they’d like him. So what is the problem? Our situation. The fact that Blue has an arduous journey ahead of him. Trying to rebuild ones life is both emotionally and practically immensely difficult – particularly when you have never had possessions, a ‘proper’ job, and secure place to live.
This is the same journey that I have been taking over the past six years, therefore I know the emotional and practical difficulties that he faces. My parents are concerned that I should perhaps consider the hardships of being with someone who is not earning an income and who is not settled, no property etc, and think that this may not be conducive with my happiness and my desire to reach my own personal goals, marriage, children, peace of mind - and to be fair, I would like a certain standard of living : two or three holidays a year, a house, the ability to buy stuff that i want without thinking about it. I’m talking basics. Albeit some pricey(ish) basics, but I’m not talking Cartier and Jo Malone candles.
I’d like to be able to eat out maybe two or three times a week without counting pennys. Obviously this is before children come along.... But one thing at a time, eh?! This is not a tall order – this is normal living, for me.

I get so fucking confused at times and I don’t know what is real and what is the right thing. How does one prioritise with such things? Fuck.
I mean, at what point does someone give up on something or someone? When it causes pain? How much pain? At what point are they wrong to continue in something that is causing strife for their individual life? So if I was with a man who lost his job should I do a runner? At which hurdle is it ‘expected’ that I bugger off? OK, my folks may argue that it may help if I was with someone who indeed had a job to lose. They certainly seem to think that life would be more pleasant for me if I wasn’t on a roller coaster ride due to the struggles that my partner is going through. Fuck. Is 6 months too soon to decide to support someone going through a tricky situation? How long do I wait to see the reward? Because I am no saint and I want a payback. I would want us to get something good as a couple from the bollocks we’re both going through now. But there we go - another of life’s realities. There are no guarantees.
Do I leave Blue to be with someone who has a job, house, career and who is not a recovering addict? Or perhaps a recovering addict who has his shit in order already? I’m into my thirties already, I know that. My step-ma kept reminding me. OK OK, I’m aware of my own date of birth for Christ’s sake.

Blue is having a drama right now involving finding a flat, guarantors, immediate future. He’s down, anxious, worried and I don't know what I can do. He can stay with me - but I know he wants the experience of living alone and being self sufficient. Just as I did. Just as I relied on men to get by when I used drugs - Blue relied on women. He may have to move out of where he stays now on Wednesday and he’s in a state of panic. This rubs off on me. I get the feeling that this may be a cycle that we, I, will be presented with very frequently. OK, once he moves it won’t be his accommodation that is the issue, it’ll be another...

There is little that is secure and settled with him right now. So. ................ When the hell am I supposed to decide to jump ship and leave someone that I love??
Why is it that my head is buzzing and insecurities are so often rife in my head? I’m so fucking bored of my insecurities. They are an afliction which I feel every day. Many days self doubt grips me for much of the day. Should I therefore be alone and not bother being with someone? Insecurity takes me hostage usually only when I’m involved with someone.
Can someone please quieten my head please?

Ahh, yes. It’s simply about perception. Right?

" Yes Clare, it is. So, pull ya socks up - just for you."

OK, OK, I'll try.... Gonna have a bath. Then spring back, right? Is it that simple?

"It can be. Happiness is a choice."

I've heard all that before. Sometimes it ain't that easy.

" Try ... Try... That's all you can do."

Right - OK, I will......

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