Sunday, 29 May 2011

Father Figure

'that's all i wanted...'

fear death ?

'Why take the risk of death? Why not? There was an immense feeling of power attached to me being able to just keep going and going and going; taking myself to the very edge of death. If I survived, then I had an opportunity to play the game again.'

Thursday, 26 May 2011


'I'll take your oxygen away. Set you on fire, 'cos i'm on fire.'

the guys means business.

Men, Men, Men..

I'm a bit sad. My beautiful ex-boyfriend Dee (the guy before Blue) is not only upset with me since reading some of my blog, where he'd clearly read about me and the model in the hotel, but, now he's not talking to me at all ! We've always had contact during the 2/3 years that we've been apart. Oh dear. It's not good. I know what's happened -- he musta seen one of the dates I was with the model guy and then realised that I met him (Dee) one sunday afternoon for lunch the day after.

I know it doesn't sound too clever, but Dee and I are not involved in anything and we haven't been for absolutely yonks. But regardless he's taken umbridge (love that word.) I'm not wholly surprised by his response, but really...

Anyway, nothing i can do about it now. it's done. And whats more as he said himself, he shouldn't have looked at the blog. God, its not exactly like he's a monk or anything... He may be Jealous, but a Monk? No friggin way. He forgets that I know him.

So moving onto the model.
It's very unlikely that there will be any more antics. Don't ask why. I don't know. We're just not likely to get together again, and it feels right. For now. After last time I saw him last about 2.5 weeks ago it's gone quiet from both sides. No drama,nothing happened and I don't believe for a second that either of us is playing games. No need. This is just how it is.I think if there's a reason at all for us not contacting one another its possibly a combination of these two things:

1. He's met someone (hence him texting over dinner when i last saw him) who is keeping him occupied. It's good for him. Everyone like to spend time with someone they like and if there's a possible future in it, then even better.And even if it's just some fun, the guy deserves space to indulge himself in that and make himself happy.

2. He felt that I judged him.

I guess I have judged him. Around stuff concerning money. I like men who are ambitious. Hell, I like people who are ambitious, but one thing I cannot stomach is when that manifests on the side of 'greed'... i cannot tolerate greed.
He's a really nice fella, don't get me wrong, but there are elements of what he does and how he does it that make me think that money plays too big a role in his life, and I don't like that.

As I say time and again people reveal themselves and their true feelings about stuff all the time. It trickles out even if you don't intend it to and in this case, not only has it probably been trickling out but I told him out right that I am judgemental around this stuff and for me to say that to him, is not fair. Who am I to allow my judgements to cast a film over someone's way of life? No one. I have no right. Do i regret it? Nope. Even if that's the reason I wont see him again? absolutely. If I don't like something, or I don't feel comfortable with someone's lifestyle I can simply remove myself from a situation. It's no biggie. We aren't married and we don't have kids, so...

Moving on... The guy who stopped me on the underground.
As I said I would, I've ignored his texts. The thing was absolutely pointless. He's blatantly attached otherwise he'd have made a move sooner. No doubt. The way we met and the way we were together, we'd have seen each other again by now if he'd been single.

So, Scaramoosh! I say... A friend said: ' Whhhy?? keep in contact with him Clare!'

Why would i? For what? Yeah, he was good looking and we got on in those few exciting minutes that we spent nattering - but so what...?? i live in London for God's sake, not in a minuscule village where the prospects of meeting hot guys are limited. Why would i keep in touch with someone who was so tediously slow at communication?

Finally, amigos, the guy i told you about who lives abroad whom I met originally 5 years ago then again randomly a few weeks ago has gone back from whenst he came. We'll probably always keep in touch, in one way or another, and he'll always put a smile on my chops whenever i see his name spring up on my inbox and it's nice like that.

So, now what? Well, I've decided I need to expand my man portfolio.

But first my friends, I need to get my book as good as i can before the end of June when I need to deliver my final draft to the publishers. I'd better make it good. Everything is signed already.

Jesus, a girl's got work to do over here. I better get cracking!

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

In yo face!!

Their words: HOOKED is 'A fast-paced, roller-coaster story of a young woman's struggles with herself, her self-image and her addictions.
In Hooked, reformed addict Clare Gee draws on her own experiences of cocaine addiction, alcoholism and prostitution in telling the sensational story of a woman living on the edge.'

My words: 'It's not a glamourisation so watch yerself.'

And yes, you can also buy it on Kindle.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Monday, 16 May 2011

Wicked Game

Weekend Antics.

I'm back in London after having spent the weekend in Yorkshire with HD - my honourary dad. I went up there mainly to buy him a laptop and to set him up with wireless internet etc. So as I'm sure you can imagine there was a number of tense moments since neither of us really knew what we were doing when it comes to technology. Anyway, I did my good deed and proudly got him online, eventually. It took 2 days, but we got there.

So while in Yorkshire I met with a guy whom I first met 5 years ago. I had a one night stand with this guy; my first time doing that soberly. This guy lives abroad in a tax haven in the middle of no where so it was never part of the deal to try and get involved in anything more that a mutually beneficial night-long liaison.
Somehow, and against all odds the two of us have kept in contact. Only periodically, but still we've managed it. Weird innit. I think so too.

So the other day this guy randomly text me to say that he'll be in Yorkshire during the same weekend as I was. What a coincidence. This has happened before but we've never met up. Sooo, my friends, after 5 years of not seeing each other -- we met up on sunday. What an afternoon. I'm not gonna say too much about it except it was fun, funny, and exciting. We kissed and stuff and the whole experience was surreal. He's as handsome as I remember him and I hoped to God I was how he remembered me. He was the one who when we first met was wearing beer goggles, not me. I wasn't drinking at all. Well, not alcohol.

'You look exactly the same as I remember you, except you've lost weight' he told me.We talked more than I remember us talking that first night and it was nice to get to know him better other than via texts.
God, the whole thing was funny and unusual. He's a right successful bugger it seems; and down to earth, sensitive, clever, funny and I like how he dresses. He's in his late thirties, own company, 6'2ish, and solid. His cuddles were strong but not suffocating and the way he touched my er, hands as we talked, was firmly. I like that. No messing.
I've no doubt that nothing will change between us. I don't want it to. It doesn't need to. We'll keep in contact and maybe see each other and repeat the escapades of the two times that we've met, in another 5 years ...

So, onward... I've had 2 texts from the random hot guy that stopped me on the underground last wednesday. I've decided that if he doesn't suggest that we meet this week, then I'm leaving it.There's no point to it otherwise. I'm not into texting a guy whom I don't know, without an end result in sight. In this case, meeting up for coffee or lunch or whatever.

We don't have to meet this week, but he needs to suggest that we do. If he doesn't, I shall take that as a lack of enthusiasm or a fear that he will get caught by the partner that he's denied having. If he does have a girlfriend he'd be better off coming clean about it , cos i wont hesitate to tell him about himself if I meet him and THEN he tells me he's with someone.

N.i.g.g.a play your position.

You're not special !

OK, let's break this down...

Me: 'So you definitely don't have a girlfriend?'
Him: 'I've got no one in my life.'

But I'm laying naked right next to you. So that's one person who is currently in your life. I'm not exactly a hollogram. And judging him by how he looks, he'll definitely be banging more than one woman so he definitely has people in his life.

I think there's a word missing here. I think he omitted the word 'special'.
Right. So that's how it is... I'm not special.
I'm not fucking special? Yes I am. I'm very special. Seemingly not to him, but I'm most definitely special.

'You look too deeply into things'
He says when I question him.

'You know something? I don't.
I respond. I'm just one step ahead of you - make that two since you don't even know it.

I could create a long list of my special attributes, but i'm not going to justify who I am. Instead when he calls again I'm just gonna walk on by...

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

On the radio

Tmrw - wednesday, 11th May I'm on BBC London radio 94.9fm @ 11pm. listen if you can, altho i know its late. You'll find it on i-player at a later date, if you prefer.

sex, watches, radio shows, and Barcelona

It’s been ages since I wrote a post. A fair amount has gone on since the last one. Kind of. A lot of Arrgh and haa! Also a fair amount of neurosis, lots of lack of sleep, a lot of plotting, scheming and thinking about my plans for world literary domination yet still I've done very little. Or maybe not. Maybe I've actually done quite a lot recently. I'm hard on myself quite often. ‘You worry a lot’ said the model, last night. Yep, I do. I also laugh a fuck of a lot, think ‘to hell with that/them’ more often than you may think, and I allow waves of elation to ripple over me due to excitement about what I know I can achieve in my life.
But yes, recent days have been immensely unsettled for me. For a few reasons but nothing I'm gonna mention.

What would I say to a friend who has been going through what I’ve been going through? Be nice to yourself, take a break, remember life isn't all about taking leaps forwards but sometimes small steps will get us more precisely to the place we wanna go. I'd say something like that, then I'd probably say: ‘ Have a bit of sex that'll release some tension.’

And so I did. Last night. With the model.
Yep, he's nice. He's nice. Not sure what else to say...could blab a bit, but I won't. So in a rare moment of taciturnity I shall remain silent on this matter. Needless to say I had a delicious time.

So as you may or may not know or remember - since I've haven’t written about it - I went to Barcelona with a friend recently. The friend was, and still is female and we had a fantastic time together for those few days. She's funny as hell and together we bounced off each other and a lovely time was had by both.
I vowed to be 'badly behaved' once I'd got there and these days for me, this amounts to something related to sexual activity.

‘Was there any?’

‘Er, what?’

‘Bad beahaviour?’

‘Er, nope.’

It's just wrong innit? Two pretty and single women en Espana and neither of us got laid. There's one time, which always involved drinking, bars and clubs that I'd have been bewildered and disappointed if I hadn’t screwed someone during a 4 days trip abroad. These days, I don’t realistically expect to. And in my own defence I would like to state at this point that I COULD, of course I could, but I don’t generally find myself falling onto a random person’s cock stone sober. Unless, the guy is REALLY fukin hot and I'm feeling REALLY fukin upferrit and I'm convinced that he'll REALY give me what I want. Anyway, the few sunny days were spent with Gaudi, Picasso and coffee, drunk at street cafes while we watched the pretty Spanish boys stroll by. And observed the English who stood out like beacons of white in an otherwise colourful landscape.

Other than this, I’ve recently bought the Cartier watch that I've wanted to treat myself to for some time. I'm proud that I've bought this for myself and it’s money legitimately and 'cleanly' earned. It wasn't a gift, a bribe, or from a punter. Nope, it was thanks to my bloody hard work over the last couple of years, writing.

I had a good meeting with the publishers this morning at the Groucho. I feel energised and ready to take this by the balls. What? Well, pretty much everything. Everything that I can control myself, that means, writing and the goals I have for my near future.

By the way: I'm on the radio tomorrow night (tues 11th May) @ 11pm. BBC London 94.9 fm.

Late, I know, but listen if you can. Otherwise I-player it, innit.