Sunday, 24 October 2010

a letter to my father after our disasterous lunch meeting yesterday.

I've thought hard whether I should post this letter which I wrote at 2.30AM last night after a disastrous lunch meeting with my father and his wife, yesterday.I've decided to post it because i've shared so much with you and also kept aside some of the realities of my relationship with my dad.I wish to stress that I will not be posting this letter to my dad. I have written it for my own benefit to try and release some of the hurt I am feeling about our failed relationship.

Dear Dad,

I no longer want to be a scape goat within your relationship. It serves no purpose in my life.It seems to me that when you met you both were understandably desperate to bond with another person. Sadly that appears to have been based on macabre feelings of victimisation, bitterness and blame towards other people for the unhappiness in your lives. Me, being top of your list, dad.

I understand that it is impossibly painful for either of you to even think about this as even being a possibility that you may have wasted years manipulating one another and me by feeding poison and disdain towards me to maintain what seems to be the main premise of your union - blaming others for all that has ever been bad in your world. And I'm the most obvious target for your sinister games considering my wayward years.I am no longer the mess that you are accustomed to and that you both appear to need me to be in order to relate to me, but more importantly, to relate to each other on the subject of me.

I am willing with love to let you both continue in your comfort zone and have no part in your lives. This, I feel would be easier for you both so you can continue your days thinking and feeling the negative way you do towards me.Like this you will not have to deal with the changes in dynamics now I am sane and I'm making an effort in my life. (No doubt you will scoff at that statement, too.)

I am now beginning to understand that in order for you both to not ever have to accept your own behaviours and attitudes, I must bale out and allow you to confirm what in your own minds you believe to be true, that I am the greatest failure in every way that a human being can be. Thankfully, I don't live my life daily feeling this towards myself or towards the two of you. Underneath an exterior of 'everything being ok', if I did think so poorly, under that exterior, I would be a lonely and bitter person which I try not to be - but this situation as highlighted at lunch on saturday is making me become increasingly despondent and angry towards both of you.

I chose to face who I am and what I became and I look to my future with hope. And more than anything I don't want to be part of some peculiar unspoken tryst between two people who have not ever taken a moment to even consider that some times they are wrong.I regret deeply the hurt I have caused you both. I must live with this legacy for the rest of my life. I know you will chose not to believe this and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change your views on this or on me. You will never trust me as I won't trust you.
I am realising this, painful as it is, I'm realising that you need me to be a mess in order to feel that you are right in your disdain of me and the majority of what i do or say. Episodes such as saturday lunch time only prove to you both that you are right. This is a sad state of affairs for me to experience my father and his wife always searching to blame me and never having the humility to look at your own part. Perhaps drinking doesn't help either of you in this.

I also understand that the better I'm becoming - the harder I see it is for *my step-mum* in particular to feel secure within your relationship since your perpetually negative views, have over the years, helped the two of you to feel 'united.' And now? Well, things are much better for me and so now your perception of me is being challenged which clearly challenges how the two of you communicate with each other about me - and that must be unsettling. Its clear that *my step-mum* is struggling with this.

As you can see I don't trust either of you, in the same way as you don't trust me. Daddy, we could have tried harder had you let go of the strings that bind you to *my step-mum*, for even an hour, so we could have been a father and daughter together over a coffee. As you're reading this I can imagine you shaking your head and telling yourself how you couldn't have done that because you're 'frightened' of me. It's time for the record to change. The reality is you just don't want to establish a healthy relationship with me, that, or maybe *my step-mum* doesn't want us to have our own relationship.I will no doubt never know.Dad, I'm sure you will be angry yet upset by this letter because in spite of all our failings we both love each other deeply. And quite predictably *my step-mum* will coax the sadness out of you and together you can once again feel villified and safe within your bitterness towards me.

If that what makes you both feel secure and happy then so be it. I understand. Believe me I see and understand far more than either of you realise.

In the spirit of me continuing my personal growth and emotional development and my desire to minimise the hurt in my life (and yes, you are not the only people that feel let down) - I think it best that something changes between us. Humility is the greatest of characteristics and I feel that I must admit defeat and retreat gracefully in order for you both to continue to be united in your habitual complaints about me.

I've often wondered how two people can so successfully avoid looking at the common denominator that has caused the breakdowns of a number of your closest relationships. But I accept that it is fear that stops you both from uniting in your sorrow instead of bitterness, for Your attitudes and Your actions towards, me, *my step-mum's mother*, *my step-mum's oldest son, his wife and their child,* * my father's brother* Thankfully *step-mum's youngest son* started talking to you again after a few years absence and for those years. There is something not right, and as usual for the two of you, somehow I shall be the cause of all of the above breakdowns. God only knows what you've told *my half brother* about me. I dread to think. But of course there is a reason you didn't encourage us to meet or have each others addresses so we could write before we finally met at your wedding vows renewal party.

One day, perhaps you will both be able to face your truths and not allow yourselves to drown in your grief as a result.I will still be there for you. We have All played a part. You, *my step-mum*, and me, and acknowledgment of this from you would have been greatly appreciated. I love you more than you will ever accept, dad, and it is tragic that you never really allowed me a much wanted chance for you to get to know the good qualities that I inherited from you.

You will be in my heart and bound to me until the day I die.

With love, always,

Your daughter,


Friday, 22 October 2010

A spot of internet dating, perhaps..?

Remember the days when people thought that Internet dating was for saddos without a life? I think, unfairly, it may still has some stigma attached to it. However, people do at least try to appear more liberal when discussing it these days. I'm sure it's generally more accepted that internet dating is not actually targeted for 'life-less' people at all. It is, in fact, a sphere where busy people can 'meet.'

OK, this is the plan ... I'm going to work my bum off, get the first draft of this second book finito, then go on holiday. When I get back I think i might check out some online dating sites. Why not, eh? I don't want top meet someone via facebook who thinks of me as 'that girl who wrote that book and used to be a hooker' ... that can come later. I'd like to meet someone who will actually know my full name, address, and, er, bra size (might come in useful, if he's feeling generous) and inside ... well, inside measurements.
A friend of mine has been living with a guy for three years now whom she met on one of these sites, and recently she gave birth to their first child. Another friend is now engaged to a bloke she met through the internet. So, it can work, it seems -so why not give it a go?
I don't go to bars, clubs, line-dancing, or to cooking classes (who'd want to meet a man at one of those, anyway!?) In fact I don't go anywhere much, being the home body that I am, so this may be the way forward. She says. I don't know. To be truthful I've always been of the belief that 'men just happen.' They usually do. But a friend said to me that I shouldn't leave it to chance. Well, maybe she's right. Afterall, I'm finding myself checking out the most inappropriate of fellas who usually I wouldnt' find remotely attractive. However checking someone out via the internet somehow feels more unreal and actually, scarey.
I'm a pretty nervous person when it comes to meeting random strangers, so honestly, I'm not sure if this would be for me. And my lack of trust in people i.e men, precedes my carnal/companionship desires.
We shall see what happens...
I think I'm currently speaking from between my legs rather than considering a real way in which I coudl meet someone for a lasting relaionship. But you never know...Right now, I'm just feeling deprived of whoopy and missing Blue and therefore maybe I'm not thinking straight.

So, tomorrow I'm going to Yorkshire to see my dad and step-ma. I'm meeting them for lunch and I can't wait! It's his birthday soon. He'll be 81 ! blimey O'Reilly!
I haven't seen him for yonks, and this will be my last opportunity before they do their annual migration to north Africa for winter.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

this and that in bullet points...

■I'm happy to be free of my relationship with Blue. I feel much better for us not being in what we had. He's a nice guy but not for me. It's strange how I can be so ' in love' with someone, and then, I'm happier now he's not around.

NOTE to future boyfriend. If I'm showing you that I want you, and by showing you I mean in the real world not virtual world or fantasy world - in reality. And if you want me - whatever you do don't play games. Please. Don't do the push/ pull thing, 'cos I'll give you everything that I am and it'll be yours to take and nurture. I'll be completely faithful to you, and to us and you will feel that you have me completly. But if you push me away, be very certain that's really what you want - cos I'll be gone. You'll be 'that guy I once had a thing with for a bit' , intil you become ' someone I kinda once knew'.

■ I want to be with a man who has the confidence to 'own' me. I'm not easy to manage, I know that. I'm emotionally high maintence, but for sure, when you have my heart and my mind - you will have something worth hanging on to and you'll know it. If I'm confident about anything, it's this. And that's not arrogance. I know my worth.

■I had a couple more tiny flower tattoos done, 2 weeks ago... love them. Very cute and feminine they are too. I'll post a photo up on here in a bit.

■Can't wait to go to the island off Kenya and lounge around daily, in a bikini, being cooked for by a chef and have my shit arranged by a house keeper. Mwah-ha-ha-haaar!! I'll try not to come back married, OK. Those of you who've read my book will knwo what i'm talking about.
(see the islands here- copy and paste)

■Gonna send my second book to the agent before I go away - and then faff around with the third one while I'm having my grapes peeled and getting fanned by young buff guys wearing nada. This next book will be entirely ficticious. Can't wait! Love a challenge. When I dictate it.

■ On Monday I was straightening my hair at home with my ceramic tools of torchure and I popped them onto my sofa for a minute. Being the scatter brain that I can be - I then sat down. Yep, on top of them. And on one side of my rump I now have a scab which will scar. Poo. Poo. And another Poo!

■I was sitting on the train this morning and this young woman, with her hood up, who didn't look at me, asked if i would mind maybe 'rearranging my legs'. Now, I am very aware of my surroundings and people, just about all the time. My legs were not in her way - but still, she wasn't 'comfortable', apprently.She was one of those people who seems highly intelligent but greatly lacks social skills. I can imagine she finds it hard to fit into society. This is not based on how she was with me. In fact she was pleasant and polite - I could just see that life won't come easy to her. And neither does it to me - but in a different way.I 'm certain she suffers from some type of Autism. Don't ask how I know that - I dont. I'm just guessing.

Anyway, so I asked her how she'd like me to sit in order for her to be more comfortable. I wasn't being at all sarcastic. I really wasn't. I hate sacrcasm. I think it's a low-base 'humour' which if not delivered carefully can be insulting, so i stay clear. Especially if I don't know someone well. Gosh, how times change. Not too long ago I'd have told this woman to 'do one' and stop being so controlling. She told me that she wasn't at all sure how she'd have prefered me to sit but she just knew that she felt, err, as though she'd like me to alter how I was sitting.Right, OK. I couldn't help but grin - but I tried really hard not to let her see me. This woman blatantly finds interacting with people difficult. And I felt as though I could possibly have been a human Guiness Pig suggested to her by her therapist so she could practice asking for what she wants and not being afraid of speaking up.

Anyway ... no harm done. Enjoy your day mon amores!

Sunday, 17 October 2010

just another day ...

I'm going to bed with a book, a smile and some naughty thoughts...

Ooo, what a difference a day makes. I seem to have good powers of rejuvenation. Lots of experience, you see.

It's raining men!

'I'm gonna stay home and let myself get absolutely soaking wet!' Soon.... Soon....

Saturday, 16 October 2010

The greatest escape.

I am in pain. Heart wrenching, all encompassing pain. I feel isolated. I met Blue. I felt his love,felt rejection, felt his pain and felt his compassion. Initially i was stoic, later I broke down.I sat on the floor, in a corner with my legs tucked under me, as I did as a five year old when mummy left me.

My child like search for love has ended in suffering. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and wanted to scream and scream and scream.
However untrue, I feel alone on this planet and at times such as this i feel my demons are beckoning me.
I will take a short break from here while I regroup. My thoughts are getting unhealthy and I'm beginning to mistrust the potential of my feelings.

I yearn for the deepest and longest of sleeps. The perfect escape, free of dreams, free from this pain and free from the constant question - why? why? why?

..... well, why not? And still, this reality brings no comfort.

Thursday, 14 October 2010



Lost in time I can't count the words
I said when I thought they went unheard
All of those harsh thoughts so unkind '
cos I wanted you

And now I sit here I'm all alone
So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home
A circle of angels, deep in war
'cos I wanted you

Weak as I am, no tears for you
Weak as I am, no tears for you
Deep as I am, I'm no ones fool

Weak as I am
So what am I now I'm love last home
I'm all of the soft words I once owned
If I opened my he heart, there'd be no space for air '
cos I wanted you

Weak as I am, no tears for you
Weak as I am, no tears for you
Deep as I am, I'm no ones fool

Weak as I am 
In this tainted soul
In this weak young heart Am I too much for you

Weak as I am
Weak as I am
Weak as I am
Weak as I am, am, am

Weak as I am
Am I too much for you
Weak as I am
Am I too much for you

Weak as I am
Am I too much for you
Weak as I am
Am I too much for you
Weak as I am

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

i need your help ...

So, you may or may not know that I have written a second book. It is the conclusion of my first book, Hooked.
I am unsettled on a title and I'd like your input.
I don't want to load this question so - I'll keep it simple. The 2nd book is about rehab and changing.
Which name do you prefer: UNHOOKED ... or .... REHAB ?? Or other suggestions...??

Please email me your thoughts:

Thanks a zillion.

Big kiss.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

My Epiphany.

OK, so I put as my Facebook status this morning that late last night I had an epiphany.... well, I did.

I’ve realised that somewhere along the line I stopped seeing Blue as an addict in recovery, but rather selfishly, as a man, my boyfriend, who wasn’t giving me what I wanted when I wanted it.
Bizarrely and rather embarrassingly I seem to have totally cast aside the fact that he has suffered and continues to suffer the same emotional hardships ( and probably more, since he’s at an earlier stage in his recovery process) as I have done and do.

Now, this is the bit that I feel really bad about...

For want of a better way of putting – I am a little further down the recovery path than Blue – and for me to have wanted, expected, and hoped that Blue could and would to be how and where I want and need him to be, in order for us to be together, is highly unrealistic, totally unfair and incredibly selfish.

There I am after 6.5 years of sobriety expecting someone who is 2.5 years into their recovery to be ahead of where he naturally is. I feel bad about this. I wonder where inside me this pushiness has come from, but I’m not going to analyse it. I’m not perfect. I’ve made a mistake yet my intention was never bad. I must just let go of any ideas of us being in any type of relationship other than friendship - and finally I now feel that I am able to. Something has clicked and I realise what has been happening and with that come relief and some peace.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

A blue roller coaster ride.

God, it's been a while. Again, I've been absent. Well, only partially. On Facebook I've been trying to stay around - but this blog has been somewhat pushed to the side because of working on my second book. That, plus I've been riding on a mostly unpleasant roller-coaster ride with Blue.

Yep, no surprises for you there then, eh? What can I do? That is a rhetorical question by the way. I love him. I want us to be together. Does he love me? Yes, I'm sure he does. Does he want us to be together? Well, this is the question...

I believe he wants us, but he feels that he cannot cope. I hate that expression 'I can't cope.' It reminds me of my father's words to me when I was younger, and I kept continuously hurting him. Those words really cut into my heart.

Blue has been through the same shit as I have, in terms of drugs. And he is going through a change process, just like me.The difference is he's 2.5 years in. And although the process is the same - because I've been abstinent now for 6.5 years - there is a discrepancy in our own personal developments.

Recovering from an addiction encompasses far, far, far more changes than simply stopping using drugs and stopping drinking.That's the easy part. Anyone can do that.
However, there must be an inherent change in ones thinking, lifestyle, behaviours, friends, everything.

Everything changes and everything must change. Well, in a situation like what Blue and I came from, then everything must change. Neither of us had partners, children, careers or any form of stability. So we both have started our journey's at ground zero.
Changing ones whole life is a terrifying prospect - especially when you don't know what the hell you're walking into. You have no skills, no 'clean' friends, no settled home, a family that is heart broken by past behaviours.

There's so, so many questions and fears around the future. What will happen with basics such as housing? work? Arrgh - work! What's that? What will I do? What can I do? what about day-to day activities?
Fuck, it's hard. And on top of the practicalities - one must deal with their exaggerated emotions which seem to swing from one extreme to another. For years, you're numb - and then bang! you come to life, and its frightening.

All this takes years to re-align. And that's where Blue is - still re-aligning. All recovering addicts and alcoholics are continually vigilant about their behaviours. But after a few years this becomes more habitual and less of a struggle. As routine, structure and personal confidence grows then day-to-day life and emotions start to balance, more and the frustrating thing is that there is nothing except determination and time that can speed this process up.

Ahhh, well, no one said it would be easy. And they were right.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

'Cunt.' -- noun or verb?

Word for the day: Cunt. Was good enough for D.H.Lawrence - It's good enough for me.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

I know I'm in love when ...

Sometimes I just want to look at him.
Touch his cheek with my hand.
Smell his hair
Tug his nose with my fingers.
I caress one eyebrow with my thumb
Admire his tiny ears.
He sits quietly.

Sometimes I just want to look at him;
At the creases in his skin.
Feel the texture of his hair.
Appreciate the pores on his nose
stroke the downy hair on his ear lobes.
And say not a word.

Sometimes I just want to look at him;
I watch how he does things.
The manner in which he places his foot on the ground.
Cradle the marks that life have left.
We are silent.
I want nothing more than his company.


Kate Bush