Monday, 29 June 2009

my sister is calling

I’m going out for a while this evening – but before I leave I thought I would share something with you.
A while back I wrote a piece for The Guardian about how it was for me being brought up alone with my father.
Today I got an email from The Guardian saying that a girl who is claiming to be my sister has contacted them asking them to forward me her details.
She has the same name as one of my sisters. She also knows all my variations of names. My mother gave me a different forename to the one I go by…

This sister is abroad and has never been to England. I don’t know her although she was born before my mother sent me here, to live. She confirmed what I was told by an uncle 6 years ago, that my mother is indeed dead.

Please do not send me words of condolence. That would embarrass me. Her death means little to me, since I do not know my mum and I don’t know my sister.

My mother’s death came as a shock purely for selfish reasons. I was angry that after I had spent so many years obsessing about this woman and trying to destroy myself as a result of my feelings of inadequacy and loss, and of course wondering why? Why? Why? Had she given me up ? She then had the cheek to then die before I had any answers.
I haven’t written to this girl yet. I will do… but I am reluctant. I feel nothing. If this was my mother is would be a different story. But just because this girl and I are supposed to share a mum, means very little to me because we did not grow up together.
She lives in a poverty stricken country where money is scarce. Unfortunately for me, and for her, money is scarce in my bank account too.
I will keep you informed with this. I have a feeling once I write it will be an on going saga. What isn’t in my life, huh?

I am meeting someone this evening who I have never met before. Already I feel nervous. It’s not a date, but still, I get shaky. One human meeting another for nothing more than coffee and cake and I’m left quaking in my boots….. How silly.

Sunday, 28 June 2009

filling in gaps

1. I went to get my hair trimmed on Friday. The woman hacked off about 4 inches . Since when has 4 inches been a trim? OK, I put a chemical straightener on it the night before against my better judgment so it’s in a state right now – but come on. 4 fucking inches? That’s a cut, love, not a trim!

. I have got an interview for a job on Tuesday. Just another temporary basic office job to help me through. Fingers crossed.

3. I’m going to Surrey to hang out with L. tomorrow. She’s got a portfolio she needs to get done and feels unmotivated to do it. She needs someone there with her to get her ass into gear.

4. I have a mission today. Meeting two Chinese friends of KS ( who have flown into London from China)and they do not feel confident traveling on the underground system alone. I am meeting them from their hotel and escorting them to the correct train station to get them to KS’s house. I’m SUCH a good friend... ha! KS is at a birthday party this afternoon and fears she will be tipsy when the time comes to collect her visiting buddies. She lives outside of central London and doesn't want to travel in if she can avoid it, so I have been assigned to go pick up her friends and pop them on to the right train so she can meet them at the other side.

5. I didn’t get up until 14.30. Mid afternoon! That’s crazy! It would be absolutely fine had I been out partying the night away last night, but alas, I had not. I’m just a lazy and clearly tired toe rag who needs her sleep after a stressful week of worry.

6. I’ve just put some washing into the machine. White sheets, 60’. Ariel powder and Comfort softener.

7. I am doing anything to avoid working on the second book UnHooked. I just can’t bring myself to start it today. At some point I must though, otherwise while I’m searching for a job I will feel useless just staring at the walls and doing what I do best. Scratching my brown bottom.

. I returned Dee’s t-shirt ( the birthday present that I bought him which he’d left at my house by accidentally) and I exchanged it for some Shalimar body lotion and some hair conditioner.
I feel very pleased with myself.

9. I must call daddy today. I’m reluctant because when they (daddy and his wife) ask about work I don’t want to tell them that I’m not there any longer. My dad will worry himself sick and at since he's 80 years old ,I can’t have that.

10. I’m aware how nervous I feel about meeting anyone off Facebook (even if we’ve established a form of friendship) for coffee or whatever... I’ve never met anyone face to face that knows what I once did for money, and the fear of judgment terrifies me. I’m supposed to be doing this tomorrow, and Tuesday. Tomorrow’s has not been confirmed yet but Tuesday kinda has. Although I still need to text the woman in question. At least these two meetings are with women. Somehow the fear factor would be trebled if I’d arranged to meet a man.

11. I am going to write a week by week plan of what I intend to achieve for the next 6 months. It’s important to me that my life never stagnates. It’s difficult for it to, since things, even if it’s just emotions seem to happen. I have written detailed plans before and really stuck to them and actually achieved the goals within the designated time. I love that. I like to know I am moving forward all the time and never letting life pass me by.

12. This week is going to be about routine. Waking up early. Going down stairs to the gym and focus, focus, focus. Now I am off men for a while, this won’t be difficult for me. She says. Miss ‘Wouldn’t know routine if it bit me on the nose 2009.’

13. Let’s see how long I stay off men... I’ve already decided that if I really want a bit of physical, I will be calling on a certain friend of mine’s services. I recently found out that he was seeing a U.S singer from a band whose initials are DC. He didn’t want to tell me at first in the spirit of ‘discretion and decency’ according to him. But when I read about it and saw photos of my my friend snuggling up to her. Well, he could hardly deny it. He didn’t want to seem as though he is being ’unprofessional’ by blabbing, he says. Whatever ... Any one else I know who has a fling/ thing/ liaison/relationship or who had even spotted this girl in a crowd would be standing on top of the OxO Tower shouting about it. Good for him I say; not that he kept it quiet – but that he was stepping out with this girl. It makes me think that even A list celebrities are very accessible. I thought it odd when I knew he’d done a photo shoot with her but he said he's just been 'lucky' to get the job.
I have to say it kinda made me feel a little ‘important’ knowing that he’s been banging this singer. Silly isn’t it? So lame of me. I'm just being honest though...Well if, let’s call him Photographer, can handle a woman who let’s face it could take her pick of men, world wide but yet we still have our ‘thing’ whenever I fancy a bit – then all I can do is click my fingers while waving my hand in the air, and do that side-to-side head movement thing that is synonymous with black American women giving attitude.

14.Just writing something here so I don’t leave the above list on evil number 13! OK - I haven't eaten yet today... maybe I should do that next...

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Walking around Naked & Picking my Nose

I’m home alone. Free to wank, free to walk around naked, scratch my bottom and pick my nose if I so wish. I can stare at myself in the mirror checking my teeth, eyebrows and pores, do my waxing in peace and lie in the middle of my bed and shut out the world if I want to.
I don’t want that today as it happens. I’m quite happy with the world and its people for today. I had a lovely afternoon hanging out with L. in Islington.

We mooched around, ate iced yogurt with fresh fruit, and got high on coffee. Wild, just wild!
Last night was an equally enjoyable time. I met K, and we went for food in SoHo then went to the SoHo Hotel for drinks. Lovely. She's so funny, is K. She makes me laugh a lot and we share some peculiar similarities about our up bringing.

I’m loving my new found lack of responsibility towards a boyfriend. I can’t be doing with the hassle of considering a guy. Not now. It’s too soon after the shambles that was the Dee & Gee show.

CG left today. Two days early. Not sure why. He’s feeling ‘moody’ apparently. It’s OK though our friendship will not die due to a spot of moodiness on both our sides.I owe him too much money. I was moody too, not just CG. I’ve just come out of a wasted year with a man I should never have been with for so long. I’m broke and I’ve been worrying about the book. The publishers have another 4 weeks in which to respond.
Last night I was dreaming that I was reading segments of it to a few people and all that came out was gobbledygook! ( great word!) In fact I couldn't even read my own words... Yikes!

I digress... By the way: when I say I owe CG ’too much money’ I mean A LOT of money.
I desperately wish I could pay it and thankfully he’s far to discreet to mention it. Unfortunately I can’t pay it at the moment. I don’t have £100 never mind adding another two naughts onto the end of that figure.
Yep. That’s my debt to him. He paid 6 months rent up front on my flat to get me in here since I have more chance of passing a kidney stone than a credit check.
Hell, when will I be able to play by societies rules?

Soon,I hope. Soon... I really want to.

Just a moment ago I was thinking about how last year CG and I had an intense and very sexy week long fling – and this time? It just wasn’t there. I think we were both in the wrong place, emotionally. We were both receptive and willing in June 2008, and June 2009 we both have more important things to occupy our minds with.

So, right now I’ve put Moussaka in the over and I’m lightly simmering some vegetables to eat with it.
Shortly after that I am going to my bedroom and watching some playback TV. There are some documentaries that I’ve missed that I want to see.
I’ll then have a bath, wank and an early night.
This is heaven. Right here right now. Tonight it’s all about keeping things simple.

In fact, I intend the next period in my life to be kept just so as far as I can control it. Like I said, I’m off men for a while.

It’s all about me, me ,me... and that’s exactly how I want it.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

I'm off men

I’m off men, bullshit and hassle. None of these come before the other, it’s all one package.
I just found out that S. a guy who is one of my sex-buddies (when we’re both free and you know I’m now very single) duped me.
S. has just been away and when we hung out earlier today he told me that he didn’t go abroad with his girlfriend. They broke up. So anyway S, and I had a little smooch before I left to go to Surrey.
Just a little kissy kissy – nothing major.
So, I get home tonight after being inundated with lustful texts from him, most of which I ignored, and I find out that he’s a lying toe rag. I’ve seen his girlfriend’s Facebook photos which show them on the said holiday together.

Now, I’m not against telling porkies here and there – who doesn’t? But please. Lie, when it serves a purpose. You could say that S's attempt to bone me is reason enough. I don’t agree, because the two of us are supposed to have an adult ‘friendship.’ We are meant to be upfront about what we do or don’t do with or without our partners – if either of us has one and he does. I’ve lost respect for him now. What a farce.
Just tell me you broke up with your girl, don’t elaborate by going on to say that you didn’t go away with her and that you went away alone to ‘clear your head’. Fuck wit.

That is typical of the kind of lies I used to make. I used to start at one point – then exaggerate it, then before I know it I was inventing a story which included goblins, UFOs and jet skies to escape from underground train delays. I used to get off on it. The problem, as always, was remembering what I’d said.

But as I’m sure you can imagine the fact that I lived a clandestine life for many years, today I am very good at keeping secrets and if really necessary I can be an eloquent liar. Thankfully lying is not something I do to any harmful degree any longer. Only with regards meager issues such as late payment of bills etc...

Some times I find myself still initially thinking in a deceitful way, although I don’t let my thoughts trip off my tongue in the form of words. Hey, thoughts never killed anyone.

Anyway – S. (the lying goat who I've now text to tell him to get a grip) is not getting a sniff of my snatch any time soon whether he tells me he’s single and about to become a monk. I don’t care.

The way I’m feeling right now, if an example of the perfect male form who was frighteningly intelligent, who had the charisma of Casanova was to stand right infront of me whispering words of literature while baring a cock the size of my wrist – I’d barely take a look at him... ( alright DG if it was you I’d have a little peep, OK.)

I have the potential to get myself into pickles, I do. I’ve always had that propensity.

I have always found myself in situations which get complicated and heavy- and that’s majorly to do with me by the way. Invariably these situations involve men, and my way of dealing with hassle? I try to fall off the face of the planet. I try to disappear. I’m too much of a pussy to speak the words over the phone or worse still face to face... Hell no. Text or email are the way forward . Except if the guy is finishing something with me then I’d want him to verbalise it.

The three guys that are sniffing around at the moment I am going to tell to go away. I’ll say it as nicely as possible of course... I just cant be arsed with anything. These are real world blokes by the way not anyone from Facebook or anything related to the blog.

As for CG - the‘romance’ is over. We had our stint last year and it was a week of bliss, but today we’re friends and that’s it.
As I said yesterday CG is a good friend.... (I’m a tad paranoid about writing too much on here – i don’t know if a certain Dee may see this and although I wouldn’t go back to him for love or money, I still don’t want to rub salt into any wounds...)

Yep... although the romance has gone between CG and me, he’s still a very good... friend.

today's mood

My mood today.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

The Tide is Turning

Well the tide seems to be turning. I am not getting depressed. I have been anxious and miserable the past days, but depression is not taking hold. I hope I don’t eat my words, but living in the Power of Now, in this moment I am alright; less anxious. I’m not panicking like I have been.
When I go from one extreme to another just reiterates my faith in a Power Greater than myself that doesn't want me to sink. And that Power not only sprinkles well being over me single handedly, but also works through people. You people. The people that allow me not to feel alone. However sad that may seem that strangers help me not to feel alone - it is my reality. I take a huge comfort in the love that people have given to me on here and on Facebook.
Thank you. It moves me and makes me cry. The process of writing this blog and having the Missy Gee Facebook page has helped me more than any of you will ever understand. You give me faith in people,in kindness in generosity of spirit. I have experienced being let down a fair bit in my life by people close to me - those people being my parents - and as you know there is no one else.

I needed the past few days to adjust to the shock of losing my job and also finally releasing myself from my stupid relationship.
I haven’t decided exactly what I’m going to do next with regards work and where I will live....First thing’s first I want to move back to Surrey where I belong. I’ve always lived out there. It’s home to me.
I am searching for a place – at least on the internet and Friday I will go into some estate agents and see what’s available... Just the thought of moving makes me happy! I love it out there. It’s green, and less clinical than where I am living now. Plus it’ll be cheaper than my current place. I reckon where I live now I probably half the £1300 rent (£650) for the views. I mean, it’s certainly not space, I’m paying for – it’s really small.

Tomorrow I am sure I will be even better than today and I will be able to fill you in on details about CG & I... bet you’d almost forgot he was here... I haven’t. He’s very much here, right now, sitting on my living room floor in some shorts and nothing else. He’s helped me ‘de-stress’ a couple of time while he’s been here - very generous of him... he’s a good friend - he really is, good.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009


The purpose of this blog is for me to write about my past life in addiction and all that came with that, and to tell anyone that is reading this, about how things are today.
Well, today things are shit. I’m feeling incredibly insecure and vulnerable. Paranoia has raised its head and I’m struggling. I felt incredibly self conscious today. The moment I left the house to go and meet CG, I felt exhausted and didn’t want to be around people.

I wasn’t going to write anything on here today because i have nothing positive to say. I hate the idea of feeling sorry for myself and that’s exactly what I am experiencing right now. I am worrying myself sick, quite literally about things. I’ve just lost a job which was very much needed and my relationship is over. You may wonder how I managed to pay my rent before I started temping... it’s complicated and I can’t explain it now. I will explain tomorrow. It has nothing to do with me selling my ass – but it has everything to do with getting helped. That help has ended now... kind of.

So, apart from the situation with my apartment I am utterly furious at myself about the time I wasted with Dee.
I’m annoyed at allowing myself to be a blind and deaf twat by not acknowledging what I knew from the very beginning. I didn’t fancy Dee and I knew he wasn’t really my type of man, but I went ahead in the spirit of ‘making it work’ because I got on with him as a friend. As time passed I grew to find him attractive, physically.
Today I was speaking to CG about all this and you know something, the only thing about Dee that I admired was his sense of humour. Oh, and he’s intelligent although that was more logical rather than informative. I lack logic a lot of the times, so it was alright. I couldn't admire his generosity, kindness, selflessness, spirituality – cos he lacked it all.

I’ve been an total idiot and if he came to me crying on his knees I wouldn’t take him back. It’s over, over, over. I want nothing more to do with him – ever. I’m too angry to even wave at him if I saw him on the other side of the street. Thank God that won’t happen.
I’m tired. I’m still not sleeping properly. I started taking beta blockers (which have been prescribed) again today. I’m a walking anxiety attack. I am now in the realms of emotional unwellness and I am becoming the woman that started using drugs originally. How I am feeling at the moment is are the same feelings that I used to try and escape from through drugs and drink : Anger, frustration, paranoia, acute unease, jitters.

I got out of the house today and I hated anyone looking at me. Men, staring usually amuses me but today I wish I could hide. I am going to have a bath now and get into bed. Sleep is the closest thing to death so I’ve heard, so sleep is where I want to be.
I feel guilty that CG is here when I’m having a rough time like this. That guilt only adds to fuel my feelings of inadequacy. If he wasn’t here – I wouldn’t leave the house and I wouldn’t talk to anyone for quite a while.
I don’t want this blog to turn into the diary of an emotional collapse. I can’t let that happen, but I’ve got a feeling that over the next couple of weeks, if I am to be honest with you about how I am feeling you’re going to enter the mind of a vulnerable and frightened woman who must act as an adult at this time, despite wishing I could be a child. Act like a grown woman - or sink into a child like inability to cope with myself.

My emotional illness/addictive compulsions which usually lie relatively dormant are banging on the door eager for me to let it into every cell of my being. I hope I can fight it. I’m sure I can – but I am absolutely fed up of continually having to battle with myself. Hey, the fact I said I think I can fight it means that the ‘well’ me is still dominant. Good. Good.

I want to scream. I want someone, anyone to hold me and tell me that I will be ok. Where is my dad? Where is my family? Why don’t i have a family? Life is difficult. For many people I know that. I want to scream. I want to sleep and I want to feel OK. If only I could take the edge off somehow... Fucking sobriety while in a pit doesn’t seem so attractive. And neither does using chemicals. I am trapped. Trapped in myself. I can do nothing but grit my teeth and keep getting up each day.

Fuck it. Will I ever be well? Will I always suffer like this? Will I always be alone?

These are rhetorical questions by the way. Please don’t feel you need to respond to more tedious screams from me – there will be plenty more coming. That I can guarantee you.

Monday, 22 June 2009

could i really sell my ass again?

First four steps of Alcoholics/Narcotics Anonymous.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

First 4 Steps in relation to my past relationship.
Step1. I admitted I am powerless over my relationship and my life has become unmanageable.
Step2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
Step3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.
Step 4. Made a searching an moral inventory of myself.

I wouldn’t want to disappoint any of you who are accustomed to hearing me sounding pissed off. Today has been a peculiar and trying day. After having slept for approximately 5 minutes last night, today I got up with the intention of having a constructive day. What I got done was precisely zero. Oh no, actually, that’s not wholey correct. I sulked. I worried and I cried, occasionally all three at the same time. The combination of being jobless, boyfriend less, and potentially homeless does not bode well for ones self esteem or serenity levels.

I’m looking out side of my window right now and I can see river boats cruising down the Thames. Yep, life continues to move on. It’s now up to me if I decided to get a slice of that pie.
I think 24 hours of sulking and feeling hopelessly inadequate is more than enough. After tonight I must dust myself down and start afresh. I’m scared of ... hmm... let me think – what am I not currently afraid of? OK, my primary fear is allowing myself to clamber into a pit of unhappiness which will only develop into active depression. Ironically, over the past few weeks I have lowered my daily intake of anti-depressant by half. I’m very pleased with myself for achieving this painlessly and I am not willing to allow myself to slip backwards. My relationship ending is not my critical concern.
It is money; and lack of it. Boring. Very boring.
I will probably have to move from my flat but I have nowhere to go. That thought alone invokes panic. And financial panic makes me wonder... Could I sell my ass without taking drugs or drinking? That’s something that I very much doubt.

But desperation makes people able to do the wildest of things, doesn’t it?

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Annus Horribilis

I’m feeling stressed, anxious, worried, angry and slightly sick. CG is here. He came today. He called me from the airport to tell me that his flight would take 4 hours to arrive in London. I told Dee about it. I was then instructed to head over to his place. When I got there he hadn’t negotiated the traffic back to his house after visiting his father in Devon.
I sat and waited outside his place for nearly an hour then I called him. He ranted and squawked at me and kept telling me how all this mess is my fault because I shouldn't have told CG he can stay at mine. I get his point, but Dee and I had had another childish bust up when I told CG that he can stay. Anyway, I ended up leaving the outside of Dee’s house to the birds and anonymous cars that kept passing.

The two of us then exchanged some brutal texts.
Right now I hate him to be truthful. He’s a childish idiot and since I’m childish myself at times, I need a fully ripe man.
I’m resentful and angry at him. Some times I feel as though I'm cracking up. This sick pattern of behaviour that we are trapped in is making me more unstable than I need to be. It must end. Now. Today. I’m losing it.
He doesn't show me he cares as much or even more about me than he does about himself. He doesn’t show me that, because it's not his truth. He doesn’t support me. He doesn’t have experience of relationships, other than one night stands. Great boyfriend material! Pah!
He text me about 30minutes ago saying that he loves me but he’s worn out and can’t go on. I know that feeling.
I can't tell you how hurt and angry I am about wasting the past year fucking around with something that I knew all along wasn't for me. Why? Why? What's happened to me..?

At the end of his text he put: ‘Please don’t forget me.’ He’s actually the most forgettable boyfriend I’ve ever had and I suspect that throughout the shambolic liaison we had, he knew that.
So, I can’t promise him that I won’t forget him. We're so different in some respects and exactly the same in others. He's argumentative, bound by social expectations,and he is passionate about zero, and despite the fact we laughed a lot, we rarely had any indepth conversation about anything other than ‘us’. Boring.

Tomorrow I am changing my phone number. I’ve already blocked him from my email. I am on lockdown. I must do something constructive to end this debilitating cycle.

It’s very weird how Dee and I started our thing (i'm already diminishing it) in exactly the circumstance that we are finishing it. We have literally gone full circle.
When we got together exactly one year ago practically to the day, CG had just left London ( after our week long fling.) I was not working at the time ( as is the case now)and I was considering moving home, as I am again.
Odd, huh?

I’ve had an Annus Horribilis and I am glad that I am finally off the Merrygoround that has been not helping my emotional stability one bit.
From tomorrow I have decided to start going to NA meetings again.. I need support. Two friends I spoke to today are amazed that I haven’t relapsed during this last year having nothing other than a crappy relationship and myself as ‘support.’

I can't wait until Dee becomes ‘Some guy I was once seeing for a little while....It was nothing serious.’

I'll be diminishing a year long relationship to a 'couple of months fling', very soon. You watch.
Bitch. Me? Quite frankly I don't care right now.

Friday, 19 June 2009

fair dismissal

So, not only have i been eating baked beans the past days since buying Dee’s gift – It looks as though I’ll be eating them for a while longer. I just got sacked from my temp job. I am tempted to say that they ‘let me go’ but not being one for bullshit, I’m giving it to you straight. They sacked me. Bastards.
(I am wondering if now I called them all 'bastards', when indeed I am sure that they all, if not most, have fathers - if I will be condemned to more disappointment via a dose of retribution. They're not all bastards, they really aren't...)

You see, I was initially (and this happened 1 hour ago exactly) peeved. I still am, but now I see the bigger picture (to coin a horrible phrase). They ( the company) had to get rid of someone, ‘cos one woman who has been on a three month job swap is coming back to her post . That’s one reason. The other reason is apparently because I used Facebook when we all told categorically not to. That’s what they told me was the reason for getting rid of me. Right, I may do stupid things at times, and I’ve certainly acted like an idiot on many occasions in my life, but one thing I am not (and I’m many things) is stupid.

Facebook usage as reason to sack someone is completely ridiculous and for me to be given that as an explanation for the said dismissal serves only to ridicule the people that lacked the imagination to make up something decent.
That, and they clearly lacked the balls to speak the truth. The four girls on the team I was working on were continually told to stop using Facebook – and since next week 30 more redundancies are to be announced, they felt that they would use the temp i.e me as an example. It makes sense and it’s correct that they do so. They need to be seen to be acting. People are losing their job all over the place, so why should some people be in work who are so bored that they are using Facebook, and getting paid for it.

I made my bed, now I am laying in it... BUT had I looked like the back end of a tractor which had just poured crap all over a field, I probably wouldn’t have been sacked by my female boss who was always frosty towards me. Now that probably isn’t true, but my currently deflated ego needs to pin this onto something, and I’ve only done what any other self respecting gyal would do – and placed all the blame not onto myself – but onto jealousy.
Ahhh..... now I feel much better.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Mine, My

I guessed correctly. Dee bought a t-shirt. A simple Comme de Garcon,nicely shaped, nicely fitting t-shirt. £95. Not my choice, but he likes it. I like it too. It’s alright. It’s just what it is. A t-shirt,but he was happy and that’s what I was hoping for. He found it and purchased it in 27 minutes flat, so that left him with 3 minutes to cool down after the frantic search.

After shopping we ate at the same Thai restaurant that we’ve been to before near Selfridges; where to my shame we ate the same as we did last time we were there.

I remember when I was small my father always making out that people repeatedly going to the same restaurants and eating the same food, or people that go to the same holiday destination again and again are not using their imagination. He frowned upon it. My dad is quirky and opinionated. Not always right, but he thinks a lot about things. Dad’s quirkiness is not outward, it’s within his thinking. Maybe it has something to do with him being an art historian. He’s always thought in an abstract manner. Or maybe he’s just odd.

Well, you can count me in with both of the above, and the oddness if you like.When I go for Thai food in that particular restaurant I always eat the same. Of course my accompaniments will vary, depending on who I’m dining with, because undoubtedly I’ll have some of theirs too. And Dee, he’s most definitely a creature of habit. He takes it to an extreme. At first it baffled and frustrated me, but now I find it quite endearing. Well, I do when it doesn’t disturb something new I might want to try.
Some other details that my father used to frown upon was people ‘claiming’ things as their own, even when it is actually theirs.

Take a seat... You’re at home and you sit down thoughtlessly, minding your own business. If you constantly sit in the same seat daddy would find this annoying... Or, God forbid you have a personal mug which you use every time you have a cuppa. That type of ownership used to, and still does bug the life out of him. I was discouraged to do these thing - ‘bad habits’ as Daddy Gee described them. I admit, at home, I do tend to sit in the same part of the sofa but as for the mug, I don’t know which mug I use since all mine are the same; white. (Same as all my towels, and bedding.)

‘Claiming ownership’ is something that daddy used to tell me was undesirable, and his attitude to this is one of many traits that I have adopted.

For example, whenever I talk about the literary agent I am with, I will never refer to her as ‘ my’ agent. She will always be ‘ the agent’. At my office job I will never give someone ‘my’ stapler, ‘my’ pen or whatever. It is ‘the’ blah, blah... It’s not mine and whats more I don’t care about saying that it is. It really grates on me when people claim things to be their own and they’re actually not. This type of office baloney tells me a lot about the person that uses it.

Despite Hooked being something that is my creation, I’m even wary and uncomfortable of referring to it as ‘ my book’. I feel it sounds smarmy and cocky. Some might say I should claim it as mine – after all , it is. But it’s not me to do something like that; except when it comes to anything which is my responsibility - such as my emotional health, my sobriety, my life and people. Strangely when referring to people I will claim them as my own; MY dad, MY boyfriend, MY friend...

Does this all mean that I feel that I ‘own’ people, huh? Nah, I like to think it means I place importance on people rather than things.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Dee's Birthday Treat

I’m taking Dee out for dinner this evening. It’s his birthday. I am also setting him a task.
I will give him a £100 Harvey Nichols voucher which he must spend within 30 minutes. I know 100 quid is not much to spend in that place, but let me tell you this will leave me eating baked beans for the rest of the week. I won’t even indulge myself toast, since I’m off carbs dharlink.

Dee is down at the moment. He’s stressed with his new job and feels lonely. Tears are something I do not ignore, who ever you are. If someone is hurting or stressing for whatever reason, I try to respect that. I have no idea how it’ll go between us this evening but I’m sure we’ll be fine.
We’re just going out and get some food, how hard can that be? I know, I know… these things can become mine fields.

I want him to have a nice birthday. He misses his friends who are virtually all in the north, he’s miserable about getting older, and he’s just fallen out with his girlfriend. Regardless of me being the girl in question - still, today is not really the day to leave the guy to stew in his own juice, alone, is it? That’d be unnecessarily cruel.

Besides, I want to see him. Ahhh, yes; now we get to the crux of the matter, I hear you shout…
Yeah, I want to see him. Why not? It doesn’t mean that we’re going to link hands and run off in the direction of the setting sun, get married and breed like bunnies. I wish I was going to do that with someone, but it won’t be Dee; at least not this evening.

Nope, first I’m gonna watch him panic while he tries to decide what to buy himself with my money and I’ll use the stop watch on my phone to add to the drama and ensure he doesn’t go over his allocated 30 minutes time limit.

I reckon I can guess what he’ll buy. The easy option is aftershave or another beauty product. He likes all that stuff, but I am going to tell him that these are off bounds so instantly the task will become much harder for him – therefore more fun for me!

I reckon his next option will be to spend his dosh on a t-shirt. That’s it. That’s what I’m putting my money on – a t-shirt.
Bet anyone?

Monday, 15 June 2009

blah, blah, blah

I just noticed that I managed to change my thumbnail picture on Networked blogs. I’m such a clever girl ! (Just kidding !) I love it when i achieve something new, like that. I’m not confident at all with technology, so I feel good about myself when i do these small things.
Saying that, if at the time of the change over I’d been with someone who i knew could have done this for me, then I’d have asked them to do it before trying it myself. I have no huge desire to learn to do certain things altho I enjoy the feeling of success if i manage it. An example , changing a plug. No can do. No interest in trying – but maybe one day I’ll have to.
But suppose I asked for help from someone who knew how to do something I couldn’t, and if that someone told me to‘try to do it myself’ – I’d be really miffed, and more than likely I wouldn’t bother trying..... I’d probably strop off childishly. But if I’ve instigated the attempt myself, then fine.
I’m not a big for one for trying things myself if someone else can do it. Some people think that’s lazy. Well, I suppose I am, but it’s not a crime - so what’s the harm? Take being on the underground.. I never use a map if I don’t know where i’m going, I just ask one of the assistants to tell me the way -don’t you?

Anyway, no reason I was sharing that with you... i just thought I would.

Are you still awake??

Dee’s birthday tomorrow. It’s a tricky one. I’m really confused at the moment. I just don’t know what to do about the whole thing. His birthday, our relationship...
We talked on the phone last night and I cried. I cry a fair bit anyway so that’s nothing major.We talked tonight and he was crying. What a hullabloo. ( Great word! ‘Hullabloo’)
* * *

I heard a couple of expressions at work today. They made me laugh. I work in a male dominated environment; but It makes no difference to me ‘cos none of them are fit. Anyway, this guy described a woman as ‘ riding him to death’ in reference to some sex he’d had. That had me laughing madly. He was so sincere when he said it. At least someone is getting some.
Something else that made me smile was someone describing going down on a woman as ‘ plating’ her. Have you ever heard that? Weird, hey? I guess it stems from ‘ eating’... you know, ‘ plate’....

* * *

A few good thing are happening at the moment: I’m back in contact with someone that I really want to know. We had email contact before and since yesterday he’s re-appeared. He makes me smile. We live continents apart so nothing more will happen, yet. Besides I’ve taken a vow of celibacy have I not? Actually I haven’t.... i just said i would stay away from relationships, right?

* * *

And the final thing I wanted to share with you: something that happened on Friday I haven’t wanted to say yet. Remember I told you that I thought the latest draft of the book may be the last one? Well, the agent sent that draft to publishers last Friday.
We will see. I am trying not to think much about it. There are so many scaremonger stories about publishers rejecting, rejecting, rejecting.... Harry Potter being a famous one. 43 rejects or something like that... All i can do is wait patiently and see. I have faith. Not so much in myself but in a Greater Power.

Sunday, 14 June 2009

'I want to be alone' - Marlene Dietrich & Miss Gee

It’s going to be all about me for a while.I need that.
I am not going to focus on anything other than what I need to do in my life to make it better; to make myself happier (long term), to make myself financially independent.
I am going to prepare to meet the man that I will share my future with. Also I need to make some money so I can contribute to my future children’s lives.

You may wonder why a man always has to feature in my plans... Well, why not? I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone eventually. The right person. I’m not made of cardboard, so at some point that will happen.

Despite my current wish to be alone right now, I’m certainly not going to turn into some That’s not me. But I do like spending money, and I want to do this by earning it myself. God, how times change. For years, I always thought I’d sit back and be a ‘kept woman’. How dull. I was just scared and unsure of my abilities so settled for a dream that felt like the easiest option.

I love to travel, I love to buy gifts, I like to be able to get my hair done whenever I want to. I love to buy delicious smelling body lotions, pretty lingerie, and sometimes, clothes . In order for me to do these things I need cash; my own cash.
I wouldn’t want to live constantly using someone else’s money. I’ve done that before. Most recently my relationship with Sexless . Even if I intended to buy something he would automatically pay. I had to battle with him to allow me to pay for anything – and contrary to popular belief:
This. Did.Not. Undermine.Me.As. An.Individual. He was being generous, that’s all. As I’m sure you already know I’m not really into waving the Women’s Lib flag. It’s boring to me. And yes.... I do know how suffragettes suffered.

Since my relationship with Sexless ended about 2.5years ago (feels longer in some respects)I realised that I don’t want to rely on or accept my man paying for literally everything. I’ve learned this from being with Dee. I gain pleasure from contributing to our lives, other than buying gifts for my man. But with Dee I felt my contribution was too great.

Other things I want from a man: Emotional support, affection, I'd like gifts, of course! The occasional session at the hair salon, beauty treatments, surprise weekends away. Love - that goes without saying though I reckon...

I’d like all that and I deserve it. And I’d lavish the same onto him. But now is not the time. I have a bit to go before I get there. One thing for certain is that with focus and devotion to my journey and continued positivity throughout – I will get there. Of that, I have no doubt.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Substitute Bench

I’ve had a lovely day. The sun was shining in London and I found it still shining in Surrey where I visited L.

We had a stroll, got take-out Starbucks and went to sit in a park. She’s had lots going on lately and it was nice to listen, chat and catch up. I told her that Dee and I are over. She’s met him. She likes him, but has always thought that he’s not for me. I was offended by that at first. Of course I was, I was in the first flurry of love.(Interestingly L. said this to me 5 weeks after Dee and I got together, and that was at a time when we were blissfully happy. That’s saying something, right?)
L. Has never said anything offensive about Dee. She only said that she didn’t think he was my type.

I listen to my friends. I listen to people that I respect – (I never used to listen to anyone, and look how happy that made me. So I keep and open mind these days) and despite not always being right in their judgments, I think L may well have been onto something. I won’t go into that (again) though... So, I’ve told Dee we’re over. I’m not going to go on about that either, because not only is it tedious but I can’t be sure that he won’t read this. I’m not going to disrespect the guy by airing specific dirty items of laundry - but I will go as far as to say: it is broken. There’s no going back.

I feel sad but not too bad. I did what I said I’d do. I needed cuddles, physical affection and he didn’t give it. But today I can tell you that I feel much ‘lighter.’

A couple of hours ago I cooked myself steak with a yummy rocket salad, tomato and balsamic vinegar. I’ve just watched Big Brother and now I’m writing this wearing a clay mask on my face.
It’s all alright. Everything will be alright. It always is, right?

I was there for Dee and supported him through the stress of his new job, his house move, the best-man speech ( which he was terrified of giving) and now I am focusing on myself. The coming weeks will be about continuing work on my second book – UnHooked. I’ve already written 30,000 words, and intend to continue plodding on with that. I don’t have room for a relationship when I’m focused with writing. I do, of course have time to ‘de-stress’ with a smooch and whatever else it takes to feel that relief but I’m not going to search for new dick. Nope. There’s familiar dick sitting on the substitutes' bench, already.
(Women have 'em too ya, know. Probably more so than men, I reckon.)

I can’t be bothered with going through the drama of ‘getting to know someone,’ and neither do I want random one night stands with strangers. I have done that on a few occasions while sober and I loved it – but it’s not where I’m at now.... She says. No, really... I’m not willing to involve myself with any situation that may end up living rent-free in my head, causing me hassle. I don’t have the space for that right now.
Of course I could end up involving myself in something which makes me really happy, who knows? But I can’t be bothered to take the risk.
If (when) I dabble, it’ll be with someone I already know, someone whose dick I’ve already tasted. You may think that this is trouble in itself, but I can assure you that it’s not. Like I’ve said to you before I’ve got some very nice male ‘friends...’
Friends whom I respect, they respect me, we like each other and enjoy each other ,physically. The reasons why myself and these guys have not got together in actual relationships is varied. Usually we’ve met at a time when we were both looking for ‘ comfort.’ And we’ve continued our friendship – unless of course either of us were seeing someone.

The guys on the substitutes' bench are creative and driven, and like me with my book, there are times, regardless of who you are, where ones time cannot be dedicated to a ‘proper’ relationship.

told you so...

...I told him & I told him again. I prepared him for the consequences if nothing changed. I became distant - still nothing changed, and last night I acted.
I told you I'd act. And I have.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Older men are easier to Handle

It’s been rather quiet on the western front... or should that be on the sex front.
Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan. I wish.
I’ve felt like a space cadet the past few days. Working too much on Hooked as I said yesterday, and apart from that wishing to god that my fella had come to see me to take my mind off my stress. The thing is – I’m too lazy to go to his and seemingly he’s too lazy and caught up in his new job to come to mine – despite having a car.
He lives miles from where I live and work and of course London transport have very kindly furnished its citizens with a helpful tube strike. Guess things may be different if I drove – but he does, and I’ve still had a sexless week.
So, what can I say? I could say a lot. I could moan, moan, moan, moan. I wish.
But instead I will just make a small statement.

I am increasingly feeling that things are on Dee's terms more often than not. This is very boring for me. For him to do this, he clearly doesn’t know me . He really doesn’t know me.
You see, I act. I don’t just talk. I say what’s up. I give warnings. Then I just act. I have told Dee on numerous occasions this week that I feel sexually frustrated. He knows.

I’m not one to just talk casually about something I’m feeling.
I say it and I mean it. Anyone that knows me knows that I am usually a little over emphatic with my statements. I talk with my hands, use my face and get my point across.I’m not aggressive. Just expressive. Like I’ve said a zillion times I am passionate. I express myself with heart. I give you a piece of my spirit when I talk to you. If not – why bother?

There’s nothing wishy washy about me – except my skin colour in winter. That can become a little pasty. Other than that, * if I tell you something, then repeat it, then if nothing changes except I appear distant – I will repeat what I said, and prepare you for the possible consequences. He calls it me 'threatening' him. What does it sound like to you? Please tell me. It'll be useful to hear your thoughts on this.

When something is wrong and I do the above* you know with no doubt that I am serious and I mean what I say. I have done this with Dee over the past few days.The thing with him, is that he has this notion that if he gives me what I want, ie. time, sex ( this week) when I want it – he’s ‘pandering ‘ to me. How ridiculous. I am his woman. I want comfort. Sex for me is not just a banging session or not just cos I'm feeling horny; not all the time anyway... It’s useful in many situations. One as stress relief, comfort, feeling 'untied' with someone.
I mean, I have a fella. Where the fuck is he when I need it/him?
But I don’t think he gets that. Maybe cos to get stress relief from sex one must have an emotional attachment to the sex one is having. I don’t think Dee is like this. Without wanting to run him down (and i can say this cos you don’t know him) I don’t think he’s emotionally sexually mature. Do you know what I mean by that? Course you do.

He needs to stop acting like a boy and behave like my man. My experiences previous to this, are men who do everything in their power to make his woman, i.e me, happy. This new way ( with Dee) is a very bizarre. It stinks. In fact it totally wreaks of control freakishness, and if Dee spent a moment listening to me, and not the drivel that goes on in his insecure head – he would know that I.DO.NOT.OPERATE. WELL.WHEN.SOMEONE.IS.TRYING.TO.CONTROL.ME.
I don’t like it. I really don’t like it. In fact I won’t tolerate it.
The guy knows my past. I have never exactly followed the herd and I've never had someone control me. Dee refers to me jokingly as 'Ferrel' and that he is here to 'Tame' me. It's not going to happen like that - cos I don't need taming. I need an easier life. Preferably with him. But it's not looking that way...

Why in the name of God does he think that this type of iron-rod-handling will help me respect him? Why does he think it’ll work? Why are we still together? I know Dee wants me, but he’s terrified of me dominating him which is a strain onn bith of us, cos he's always trying to prove his dominance. I’ve allowed him this recently cos for nearly a year we were struggling this it. But after 3-4weeks of me playing his game – it’s getting dull, cos when i ask him to listen to me and act on my wishes when I ask him to come and console me during a time of stress. He didn’t. Things like that, from my man, infuriate me.
But surely men who are confident in their own masculinity allow their woman every thing she wants, no? This is how it’s been for me in the past. But thinks that’s been about me being controlling towards them. You’ve gotta be joking. The men in my life before now have always been older, more sure of themselves, and if they said ‘no’ to something – there was a damn good reason. And I respected that implicitly. If this doesn't work, I will revert back to type and be with a man who's older than me. It's easier. They're easier to handle, cos they've less to prove.

This relationship is starting to feel tedious and hard work. But after our last split before I went away, I realised then that I can live without Dee. I went back because I wanted to be with him but thank goodness, I don’t need him. Right now, I don’t know what I want. I do want him – but I want him to indulge me a little, and stop acting in some assumed ‘male’ role. And if that sounds like I’m being controlling – then all I gotta say is - Check Mate.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

how I see myself

Hooked on Hooked

Please forgive my absence. I have been on the verge of cracking up over here, nothing else really going on, just a bit of madness, that’s all...

I’ve slept approximately 6/7 hours over the past couple of days. It’s all been about the book. I work on Hooked with the same vigour I used to take drugs. That means I use every ounce of passion I have. And believe me, that’s a lot of passion.

Anyway, today I was at my lovely temp job and I thought I was going to crack up. I was emotional, I wanted to cry, I was desperate to sleep and I wanted a cuddle.I simply have not relaxed for a moment over the last 2/3 days.
If I’m not staring at the effing laptop, I’m constantly obsessing about the book. When I met Dee, that marked my first long break from Hooked since I started writing it. And at that time I wasn’t working, my life consisted of eating, sleeping ( alone) and my laptop. I hadn’t been involved a relationship for a while – I couldn’t afford the time or the energy.

So, once Dee and I got together I took a 2/3 month ‘break’ from the process of completing the book. I had already done the first ‘word dump’ as a friend of mine describes it and it was a conscious decision to get involved with Dee. I’d actually met him nearly 7 months before, but had not got involved in anything because of the book. That is not like anything I’ve done before. My life has always revolved around lust. But like I keep saying – I’m on a mission with Hooked.
After Dee and I had established our thing, (albeit shambolic) my obsession with writing took over yet again. This made me question if I could actually manage to stay with him while doing this book. (I will not allow anything or anyone to disturb my focus on this, harsh as that may seem.)

My second substantial ’break ‘ came when I started temping again. The process of going into an office daily and being around people has done me a lot of good. I’ve learned many lessons about myself. One, being, whatever I choose to do – I must always take breaks, because whatever I choose to do – I am likely to be obsessive about it. I haven’t learned the art of balance, just yet. I have not been so single minded about anything other than using drugs and drinking, before I found my current purpose in my life - writing Hooked. Writing this book has enabled me to splurge some of my excessive mind activity and focus it on something worthwhile, as opposed to trying to kill myself by using chemicals.

Oh, by the way: yesterday the agent asked me to write a synopsis for the book. This sounds very promising. I have an inkling, but it’s only a feeling, that, this may mean that the draft we have just finished working on – is the final one.
I don’t count my chickens before they hatch... So, like I say – it’s just a feeling. Time will tell. A power that is Greater than me will decide what happens next. All I can do is just keep trying... keep plodding on.

Every day, just keep going. As Winston Churchill said : “ Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up”
Amen to that.

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Friday, 5 June 2009

Wedding Blues

* Tired. Inadequate. Fed up. Zoned out. Accepting. These are the words I would use right now to describe how I’m feeling…

(I have just arrived at Dee’s parents’ house, alone, after being at the wedding since 1pm. The wedding was glorious – everyone looked fantastic, the ceremony was beautiful…. Etc, etc…All the usual stuff.)

These are the reasons I feel each of the above.*

TIRED: I’ve been up since 06.45. I travelled up to Yorkshire from London.( Dee was already here.) Then I had to find my way to a country house in the middle of god knows where – change, and wait for the wedding party to start arriving.
I’ve also drunk way too much coffee – and now I have that downer that comes with that.
INADEQUATE: Because I was not boozing like the rest of them at the wedding. I really wanted to join the crowd and do what everyone else seemed to be doing. I couldn’t stay there a minute longer so I left a few minutes ago. Earlier I had an anxiety attack, I felt a failure for not being able to drink, plus I’d spent too much tome alone or with people I don’t know since Dee was doing his best man duty. I went to the wedding to support him. I already knew that before I agreed to come.
FED UP: With myself for feeling like I do. Fed up of abstinence playing a role in my life when it comes to these kind of situations – which thankfully aren’t too frequent.

ZONED OUT: See above statements about ‘too much coffee’ and ‘I’ve been up since 06.45’. PLUS – It’s a real effort for me to talk to people non-stop for hours on end. It’s just not me. I like to be quiet. I like to go into somewhere, charm the pants off the hosts then leave the moment I’m ready to.

ACCEPTING: That actually it’s fucking annoying ( at times) that I don’t drink, and like tonight I have to remind myself why I don’t.

OK, I could knock it back with the rest of them and I won’t necessarily end up in trouble – not straight away. I mean lots of people start bickering when drunk, right? Lots of people start get abusive and rude…I would definitely end up with a bad hangover – but all that is normal isn’t it?

It happens every night, every week in every town. So what’s different about me, and how it affects me?

** Well, when I drink I take drugs. And when I take drugs I sell my ass. And when I sell my ass I hate myself. And when I hate myself I drink more. And when I drink more I sniff more. And when I sniff more I need more money. And when I need money I fuck men. And when I fuck men and get paid for it I wish myself dead.

So don’t take drugs when I drink? I don’t know how not to… Remember chemicals, to me, are all the same… And the only way of stopping that itch once it's begun is getting blitzed. If that takes and hour, a day, three days. Whatever. If that means, alcohol, drugs, sex, as much as I can do until the thirst is quenched.
I’m with it till the end.
Did I say I wish myself inadequate just now?
Like I said, I think I need to remind myself some times what feeling inadequate is really about.
See paragraph about ‘Accepting’**.

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Big Brother V Rehab

Just watching Big Brother! Yaay it’s back! A few people seem surprised (including Dee) that I love this voyeuristic stuff. Why?
I used to like Celebrity Love Island ( before the bloody thing got canceled. (Lack of viewers! How could that be!?) I’m a Celebrity Get me out of Here, blah, blah... err, sorry if that sounds tacky... Is it? well, I still like it.

I love watching people and their interactions. Surely that’s what life is about?
Big Brother is just like being in Rehab. It’s exactly the same as a residential treatment centre - but without Group Therapy sessions.
I understand how everything gets blown out of all proportion in an environment such as the Big Brother House. People believe they love eachother, people argue over bugger-all, and the outside world seems like a distant planet.
Sitting in an enclosed area, day in day out and seeing the same few faces every goddam day is a show of stick ability which to me, is admirable. For Big Brother inmates and Rehab-ites.

I mean, some people may think that Big Brother Housemates should have better things to do than loitering around a make-shift house all summer. But let’s face it if each housemate makes £20-50,000 after their performance, that’s damn good earnings for very little work and a lot more effort than it appears.

It must be the official start of summer, now this yearly ritual has come back onto our screen! Yaay! Dee and I met at the time of Big Brother last year, so this also symbolises a personal achievement – I’ve scraped through one year of a relationship. You and I know it’s by the skin of my teeth, but at least I didn’t completely give up on it and neither did he. And when I say that I'm not the easiest of women to have as your girl - I exaggerate not.

The coming year I reckon will be much easier now that the decision has been made to stay with Dee. He's shown the stick ability (in the line of fire) that I respect. I’m not exactly a commitment phobic, but I often freak out at the prospect of spending a long period of time with the same man – while at the same time wanting nothing more than that.

SING: *She's like the wind*

Anyway, yesterday I was waffling on about doing things to please my man, remember? I spent ages straightening my hair ready for tomorrow’s wedding - and you know what? I was talking to Dee earlier today about tomorrow, and during our chat he mentioned that he thinks I should have my hair curly. Like I said he likes me to look natural.

If I wasn’t comfortable with myself I would wonder if his liking for the natural me is cos he wants his girl to look less attractive to other men. But I don’t think it’s this for a minute. When I teased him about this, he said the reason is that I am a combination of ‘hippy chick, city girl who doesn’t need to try too hard.’ Err, OK. You heard it here first.
So, after that comment what the hell is a girl to do? That’s right amigos - I’ve just washed my hair, so that it becomes curly.

...No, really I am very independent and single minded, and I have the ability to make my own choices. Honestly, yes it's true. err... – I do, really...

*clears throat*

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Pleasing Men

I’m about to attempt to straighten my hair. It’s a bloody pain in the bum to do – but I must try before this wedding on Friday. It’ll take two rounds of hardcore work to get it looking really sleek. Boring.

I’m usually never too concerned with things like this. I’m all about the natural look. I wonder if some of it is laziness or just because I don’t think excess grooming is necessary. As I’ve said before I rarely wear make-up and enjoy allowing my skin to be bare. The idea of clogging my pores with foundation every day is not for me.

Until recently I’ve worn coloured varnish on my toes nails, for years, but Dee can’t stand it. I don’t understand why. So, after nearly a year of ignoring him and continuing to do my own thing I decided to give him what he likes - my toe nails, natural.

Some men might ask me to wear a latex catsuit with a zip in the crotch or maybe even they’d like to see me polishing a table, wearing a frilly white apron and 6 inch heals. But my boy gets off on me having natural toe nails.
It’s no biggie, really, I don’t mind too much. I mean, if he wanted me to go without deodorant or to let my underarm hair grow that would be a step too far (I think.)

Throughout my life I have always done things to please the man I’m with – and the small gesture of me continuing to paint my toe nails has been a personal challenge to not continually do things for my boyfriend, just because it makes him happy.
When I think about the number of times that a guy I’ve been with has said something about liking this or that or thinking my hair would look nice shorter, or a different colour, or he likes women who wears blah,blah – the next day I’ve gone out and done it.

Another example of this are my tattoos. I really like them.
I’m really happy I got them so please don’t misunderstand me - but one thing I didn’t mention before was the instigator – Dee. He didn’t know it at the time but when he told me that he finds a tattoo on a woman sexy ,my ears pricked up. Two days later I was in the tattoo parlour making it happen.

If I heard another woman say she changes herself to please a man, I would probably think that the guy she’s with is a control freak. That, or she has little self esteem.

‘Coquettes know how to please, not how to love, which is why men love them.’ said French playwright Pierre Marivaux. Maybe this is me – and based on that perhaps that’s why I was so good at my job as a hooker.

Whatever the reason I do it pleasing a man is a pattern of behaviour which I’ve certainly learned from an early age. I was obsessed with pleasing my father as I grew up. In fact it’s only in the past year or so that I’ve relaxed with seeking his approval – and since I’ve eased off I’ve become happier with myself.

Maybe that should tell me something...

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

feed your soul

if you don't listen to this track or if you do and you don't instantly fall in love with it, you're no friend of mine! I've searched everywhere for the full version of this... It will change your life. It will.

Monday, 1 June 2009

A single Moment

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned my temp job since initially telling you that I was about to start working in an office.

There’s a girl there who I chat to a lot. If she’s not riding one guy, it’s another. She sleeps over at her mother’s house one night a week, her friend’s place the next.
She has nothing but stresses and sex in her life. Regardless of the sex, which is more than satisfactory from what I hear – I don’t envy her.
We talk a lot and it’s clear that she uses men as an escape, because she’s not happy. Her words, not mine. She’s searching constantly for stability and just like I used to do, and perhaps still do on occasions - she’s going about it in a rather unconventional manner.

I like this girl a lot. She has pockets of vibrancy which I wish for her she could hold on to. It’s awful how she worries . She often thinks her life is imminently about to crash around her. Now, as you know I worry a lot, I do. But thankfully for me I am not in my early twenties with a child.

It must be so difficult for her. She is who I would still be if I hadn’t taken a detour from my detour.

So, after slogging away in the office – (and if you believe that, then you know nothing about me...)I left work and headed to the train station. I started chatting to another girl who I’ve only seen at the office twice. She was walking the same path as me so it would have seemed rude not to chat. But not being one for small talk I extracted her life story within minutes. Of course she gave it willingly.

WoW! What a girl. She’s over come many difficulties. I always find that fascinating - how people deal with emotional hardship. A bizarre similarity to her story and mine was that her father had brought her up alone from when she was 6 months old. She was 11 when he re-married. Her mother was a drug addict.
It’s strange isn’t it, how people tend to think they are the only one to suffer their fete. And don’t you find it reassuring that life’s intrigues and struggles happen to us all? I know its stating the obvious, but still, more often than not it’s closer to home than you realise.

I am very grateful that I am not frightened of people. It enables me to learn about intricate details of their lives, character, what drives them, what makes them who they are. Of course some people are clearly a little uneasy by my chat. With those people I never probe. In fact, I don’t probe anyway come to think of it. Once the communication gate is opened people tend to let their lives, their thoughts, their feelings, flood out... They enjoy it. Don’t you? It’s release, relief, joy.

In a moment you bond. Not forever. Just for a moment. And that’s all one needs isn’t it? A moment . It takes a moment to know that another human being has cared, has listened, has asked, has laughed, has verbally stroked them.

In a moment you can receive the most precious gift another person can ever give you – a piece of themselves.