Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Fuck Addiction.

I was a hooker. Sue me. I was a coke whore. Sue me. I used to have a glass with vodka in it, up to my face more often than not. Sue me. For years I did these things. I used people - they used me. I lied, cried and talked shit more than I didn't. I'm none of those things any longer. BUT if I go back to escaping from myself - I know that the mental illness that has fucked me over for so many years will ensue - and I'm unlikely to survive.
My addiction demons lie dormant when I don't abuse myself. They are always there but they are quiet. Recently I haven't been dealing well with powerful emotions and this has awoken strong urges to escape my reality.

Blue, my lover, my friend has relapsed. He's also been lying, lying, lying and continually blaming, blaming, blaming me for the break down in our communication. He's a different man to the one I've known for the past 18months.

I have been so very sad and lost the past days and coming to terms with my inability to be close to him again is a blow. If I continue in the vein I've been in over the past days I will be back to sniffing coke, drinking and selling my arse to pay for it. And honestly? I won't survive it. I have an instinct which I came upon me very powerfully 6.5 years ago when i relapsed for 8 days, that if it ever happened again - I shall not make it.

I get very emotionally sick when I drink and use substances. I do reckless, harmful and erratic things which cause huge amounts of pain. For want of a better way of putting it: a type of madness grips me and I am not accessible to anyone. I become an empty shell. I lived like this for years.

I no longer do the things that cause my life to shatter. And despite the screaming in my head suggesting that I escape my current reality by using chemicals, and in spite of my inability to sleep I have been dragging myself back to NA meetings and reaching out for help. That's exactly what I need right now. Help.

The compulsion to hide from my acute feelings of loss and sadness and anger is upon me. If I am to be anything - right now I must fight; for my sanity and well being.

I am and have been many things in my life. Right now, I am a warrior.
And did I mention that I could scream and scream and scream ?? Well, i could. I could scream the whole fucking place down at this moment.

Here's Britney:


Thursday, 23 December 2010

Christmas greetings!

Say: 'tis the season to be jolly, tra la la la laa, la la la laaaa'. Now say it again without singing it.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Billie Holiday

'I'll say I'll move the mountains, and I'll move the mountains-- if he wants them out of the way ...'

Music like this give me hope as a human being.


Warrior Spirit.

"For people sometimes believed that it was safer to live with complaints, was necessary to cooperate with grief, was all right to become an accomplice in self-ambush...Take heart to flat out decide to be well and stride into the future sane and whole."

Toni Cade Bambara.

Addicted --

The future of music: love this, her voice, the style... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoVXvh52EXQ

Saturday, 11 December 2010

You want a dirty text ??

This is the text I just sent to a male friend who occasionally texts me. Recently he's started trying to get int my knickers and asking me to send him 'naughty' texts. Until today I've ignored him:

'I've gotta say this -- I know we have a laugh together and I also know you know about the content of my book - but please. I'm starting to feel that you're saying these things because of the book and I don't like that. If we were involved in something then I get that -- but since we're not, I'm kinda feeling that its a bit of a piss take. I like u as a friend but I don't send my friends photos or dirty messages. I'm 33 years old, not 17. And yeah, I've had a life but really if you really knew me and not just presume my friendliness means any more than that - then u wouldn't even send me texts like that. Look have a nice night tonight and find a woman who wants you to bang her who will send u rude messages. Its not me. Even for a laugh, I don't do that stuff.'

This is what I would have text if I hadn't been trying to be kind and diplomatic:

'I think you're a cheeker fucker for, 1. Suggesting I send you dirty texts since I've never once ever implied that I find you even remotely attractive.
2. Did you realistically expect me to find you attractive? I know its not all about looks -- but please, come on. Get off your deluded horse and don't insult me by thinking that your personality is so magnificent that you could persuade me into your bed with this alone.
You have got to be joking. And even if you'd turned up to bang me for money all those years ago.. Truthfully? I'd have sent you packing. Get a grip and stop hassling me with your stupidness. Goddit.'

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Shit faced & Shit out of luck.

A friend just sent me this e-mail
What is the most functional word in the English language? Well, it's shit........That's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in theEnglish language.

Consider this:

You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck,
Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
Buy shit,
sell shit,
Lose shit,
find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit,
While others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, Dumb shits, Crazy shits,And sweet shits.
There is bull shit,Horse shit And chicken shit.
You can throw shit, Sling shit,Catch shit,Shoot the shit,Or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit
Or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
Or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,

Some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
Things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
Not enough shit,
The right shit,The wrong shit,Or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
Have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
ometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,It's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit,You don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit!

Monday, 6 December 2010

Me, talking about rehab with the head of WCS.

Me, and the head of my rehab talking about the process:



Sunday, 5 December 2010

A Caged Bird.

You can keep a bird in a cage, sometimes even let it fly around a room with the window open and it will stay.
It has got so used to you pushing it back into its prison that it waits passively until you see fit to stuff it away again.
One day, as usual, you let it out of its cage and it flies towards the open window and straight outside. It bolts up towards the blue sky, fresh air and light.

It doesn't look back at you. Why? It is no longer afraid of what is outside.It tried to be a good bird while you kept it enslaved.
She sang songs and talked robotically on demand.
She kept herself pruned and clean and pretty and did everything just so you'd like her, yet you still didn't show her the love you knew such a vibrant creature would need in order for her to want to stay with you.

Your faithful pet had been questioning your motives as her owner and wondering why you wished to keep her shackled by your rigid laws. One day, and for no clear reason why it should be on that particular day, she escapes.
The cool breeze immerses your once faithful bird's lungs, and she will smile to herself as a huge sense of elation consumes her when she realises that she is free.

Gosh, it's been a while since I last wrote. I'm shorry... been a busy scatty lost elf of later. Can feel the power coming back though. It's coming and coming and I'm ready to embrace it...I'm focused once again and I've been working hard on my future.

I've haven't felt as at peace with myself for quite some time as I have over the past week. Blue and I finished, and for once, I finished it.
I did because after nearly 18 months It's only NOW that I've waved the white flag and my tolerance for being treated 3rd rate has ended. I'm not feeling much about it. I'm just enjoying the lack of stress. He was so controlling in the end that he left me with literally no place to move except backwards, away from him and forwards towards myself.