Tuesday, 29 March 2011

he became my voodoo priest...

‎" he became my voodoo priest, and i, his faithful concubine.... love, slipped from my lips and dripped down my chin...."

I've put an acknowledgement in my book to this woman for a reason, y'all.



Sunday, 27 March 2011

I left my vibrator in the hotel room : (final part of fridays sexcapade)

Ok, so the climax to my weekend sex saga... so, we've established that the guy is gorgeous and we had a really sexy time together. Oh, and did i mention that's he's really FIT? yes, i thought I had.

So.... the next morning we woke in the hotel and it was all easy and comfortable between us. No awkwardness, well, certainly not on my part and i didn't notice it on his either. We had a bit more rump- pumpy, in the early hours, and then watched a bit of TV before I got up to go in the shower.

All was good, all was going as planned. He went in the shower and afterwards we left to go down the road to a cafe for breakfast. A yummy cooked breakfast - yep, I had no complaints. We kissed goodbye and he went to get the train and I headed home.

How was I feeling? a mixture of things - quite a mixture... The realisation that it was what it was and nothing of greater substance made me acknowledge that it's not what I want. I am a woman of substance. I'm rarely shallow. Not when it comes to matters involving other people in such an intimate manner. I talk a good talk as far as this stuff goes - but honestly? I'm too sensitive to indulge in a lovely time - then just forget it.
This liaison certainly had its place and I wish I could be as frivolous more frequently, but I can't. It's just not me. I mean, don't get me wrong I probably could be blase with someone where the sex was substandard - but honestly? I cant be bothered with participating in sub-standard.I have done, of course, and when I have i don't get emotionally involved.

However, my friends I'm trapped in a situation where if the sex is good, basically if I fancy the guy and he's nice person too then I want more than just 'casual'. My mind wonders onto imaginings which are silly and pointless under circumstances which from the beginning have been catergorised under the banner of 'just sex.' Besides, as i said, we're totally different people. i would definitely suspect that all his friends are male - and that's always the sign of a player if ever there is one.

I don't do 'just sex'. I give a piece of myself in situations. However little that may be, it's still a piece. And you know if someone too gives of themselves... you can feel it. If they are interested in you, they want to know you, want to understand you. If they are engaged in you - you know it. This guy is not. Certainly not with me - and for sure, you can't kid a kidder. I've been round the block. I know when someone is interested in me as a person and I also know if they are pretending to be cos its polite.

So, all in all - it was a delicious thoroughly orgasmic experience, and that's that.

I got home to my little flat, and was looking forward to getting into my own bed for a good quality snooze. I'd had a good night and had become a little more aware of who i am and what I want (for today) and that gave me some peace. Before getting into bed I decided to empty out the bag I'd taken with me the night before. And that is when I'd discovered that disaster had struck... I said out loud ' oh, no, no, no'...as I frantically tipped out the content onto the wood flooring. I had one thing on my mind: WHERE. THE. FUCK. WAS. THE.. VIBRATOR. THE. I'D. TAKEN. WITH. ME??
You guessed right. I'd only let it in the hotel room.

Had this been a movie - cracking thunder would have exploded above me.

I cupped my hands across my face and then burst out laughing. I couldn't believe it. I just could.not.believe.it.

devastation and acute embarrassment gripped me. I sat on the sofa staring into nothing. I decided I had to call the hotel to know for sure that I wasn't imagining this.

Me: ' hello I think I've left something in the room I stayed in last night, and I'm really embarrassed.'

Receptionist: which room was it?

Me: 24

Receptionist: Is it pink and about 8 inches.

Me: Yes.

fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck.

Receptionist: Ahh, don't worry Miss Gee, we have it here and we've wrapped it up all nicely for you ready to collect.

One word: Arrgghh !!!!
Second word: typical.



Last night sex : (part 2)


OK, so perhaps I need to tell you something... I have met this guy once before. Recently. But I said nothing to you about it then; not sure why.. Maybe cos I knew I'd want to see him again and after this note if I don't see him again - then so be it.
When i first met him - I walked to the meeting place feeling shy but really fuckin pleased with myself. He's really gorgeous. OK, so it sounds shallow, I don't care. I make no apologies for appreciating that. He certainly gives my ex-boyfriend Dee a run for his money.

So, during our first date went for dinner, as we did last night before going tto the hotel for..... pudding. On to last night we'd been texting and plotting and had agreed not to talk when I got to the hotel and just, well, kiss... He's very still. I like that. By 'still' I mean he feels in control. He's calm. the kissing and touching was deliberate and not faked film-style, theatrics which is embarrassing and in my opinion contrived.. We kissed lightly, softly, at first, and I was feeling it, and IT, and it seems he was feeling it too.

Ok....Soo... my reaction to his body? (see previous note) I silently smirked, of course. What would any other heterosexual woman do, eh? My reaction to first seeing his dick? The great unveiling. It always makes me nervous. I smiled loudly. 'You're pretty amazing' I told him when I was on my knees. Now it was his turn to grin...I clambered out of my cute and sexy playsuit ( and let me tell you something at this point. I've no quibbles with my body whatsoever. I'm pretty happy with it ) - and what did i get from him in response? -Well, i got touched, kissed and stuff, you know... but no words.
I like words. I'm a writer, I love words. I like reading them, hearing them and expressing them. He told me that I'd made a good choice of outift. That's not saying anything about me though is it? And like all women you want to be admired. Of course, why would he if he's so used to people complementing him? But I'm used to people complimenting me too - but still ......

I loved how sexually neither of us was out to prove anything. It was well, the kind of sex which I don't often get. I too often get men who are trying to prove their technical ability and virtually try to bully me into cumming. Nah. Not my thing. This was more about breathing each other in, caressing, and gentle movement. As I said, he's damn sure of himself and thankfully we had a connection which was not at all forced.

OK, so there's cumming and there's cumming.I did both types. For me, I believe having an orgasm is down to the woman and the man of course plays a role, but not half as much as they like to think. One time I came, I immediately hopped off him and almost pushed him away, and i shifted across to the edge of the bed...
We were both staring at each other and truth be told I hated him a little in those moments. Until my body had calmed down. Make of that what you will. I'm funny sometimes. I hate feeling exposed like that. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, powerless and I don't like it.
Had the orgasm happened because of rigorous movements then it wouldn't impact on me in the way it did. Stuff like this, although I want it in my life, it also makes me run to the hills.

I could analyise the reasons why as you could and truth be told I don't want to. I understand myself and sex very well. And I'm aware what it does for me and to me, and I'm sexually mature enough to realise certain things about me and my responses.
Anyway... it kinda put me off my stride for a while. I just felt quiet and exposed and I didn't like it. He, of course, was all right. He isn't particularly tactile and I wasn't cos i guess we both knew what we were meeting for, both times. We were both guarded although I'm very sure he thinks he's not and the truth be told, it's not my style. I'm usually very affectionate and I hate having to hold back.

However.... although the sex is pretty special and he is a nice guy, we are very different people with slightly different values, I think.

Now, after our first date, I didn't give a monkeys about values and differences. After last night and after THAT orgasm - I've decided that since the guy has very few flaws, as since I am susceptible to attachments, I must focus on our differences and not the ecstatic sex, in order to put a stop to this. We're never going to be in a relationship. He doesn't do them, and even if he did, I suspect he'd chose a small pretty big-boobed blonde doll. He's blatantly a player, cad, and bounder, and I'm not his type of woman but I can live with it.

Besides I don't think for a moment that he could ever get me and the torment I go through, or would have an understanding that I can be intense and solemn but things are actually all right. It's just how I am. He would not comprehend how I can write a book over the period of 2/3 years and get very very little back from it. I think he'd think that was not financially worthwhile, therefore pointless.He likes stuff. I like stuff too -- but he covets stuff in a way that I don't.
Money and stuff mean very very little to me. I won't be contacting him again. Physically he's addictive - and let's not forget I have an addictive personality. Don't get me wrong - I'd like to see him again -- but I wont be chasing it and I assure you he wont be chasing me. Why would he? You should see him. Honestly, I kid you not. He can be with his pick of women and as I said, I know that I am not his usual type of girl.

Yep, he's beautiful. He's more beautiful than I am and he knows it. In fact, he's more beautiful than most people and he knows it.Physically he's flawless - and although this is very nice to look at - you know, like a piece of artwork, for me, it's not real... it's the stuff of fantasy. So perhaps, after 2 exquisite nights, that's where this guy should be kept. In a box marked 'delicious' and I should throw away the key.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUxhNWDlGts hahaha!!! :O)


Saturday, 26 March 2011

Last night: Sex ... (part 1)

OK...sooo..... LAST NIGHT. PART ONE: Well... I'm a bit funny about going into too much detail. I'm just gonna write this post without analysing it and see what comes out and not concern myself about who may or may not read this. OK, so last night I had a night with a man who is not only worthy of being on the cover of Men's Health, but he has been, twice, as well as gracing the covers of lots of other magazines. That's how he makes his money. Well, that and property. What can I say - he looks good in clothes. He also looks good naked. The only thing that made him look better, was me draped all over his hard body. But I think he wouldn't think this himself... But we'll get to that later...

OK, how shall I do this? Straight up facts? Or a break down of how I felt at different times during the evening?

I suspect you'll want a bit of both...

So, my friends:

Facts: Him -- white, 6'2, classically beautiful face, perfect teeth, good jaw line, strong Roman nose, greenish eyes, brown hair, tanned skin, and definition of virtually every muscle in his body...

You want more? whaaaat? Ohhhh, his penis ... Right. Well, God would be playing a cruel joke if he hadn't given this guy girth and length and a dick which is equally as handsome as his face. But I'm sure many men would think God has already played a cruel joke by giving him what he has, with regards his appearance.

We met at a hotel near where I live. So clearly as you can see this night was well and truly planned... And did it disappoint?

Oh dear.... hold on.... I'll be back in a bit to tell you more... Yes, you deserve detail, I know, I know...


Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Primal Scream.


My brightest star's My inner light, let it guide me
Experience and innocence, bleed inside me
Hallucinogens can open me, or untie me
...I drift in inner space, free of time
I find a higher state of grace, in my mind
I'm beautiful, I wasn't born to follow
I live just for today, don't care about tomorrow
What i've got in my head, you can't buy, steal or borrow
I believe in live and let live

I believe you get what you give
I've glimpsed, I have tasted, fantastical places
My soul's an oasis, higher than the sun
I'm higher than the sun

Sunday, 20 March 2011

you ready for this?

if you don't love this already - you ready? 'cos you're gonna Love. It.


Blue's new girlfriend text me.

So, some gossip for ya – Blue’s girlfriend or whomever she is, text me on Friday asking if I am still seeing him. What the hell ?? She musta snooped through his phone or email to get my number. I text back: ‘I don’t know you and I don’t want to hear from you, or of you, again.’

I believe that is known in the industry as a slam dunk.Yet still she text back! ‘so i take it you are then?’

I ignored her. Let her deal with her insecurities about what he feels or thinks about me. I’m not interested in this circus or anything to do with that tawdry time. I have not reason to dust down my artillery. I simply don’t care enough. I loved him, of course I did and I would gladly rush to get a blanket to cover him with if he was on fire. I'm not interested in seeing him suffer.

But after certain behaviors, I just don't continue – I thank God that I have an excellent inbuilt protective device. It’s called switching off. Completely. I went through the anger, the desire for revenge - which I indulged just a little...
What ?? C'mon - a man must know that if you screw your woman over and involve other women - there will be a retaliation. Retribution was served swiftly and quietly. He knew very soon but by that stage I'd already switched off so I ignored his attempts at communication. God, it all seems so long ago now.

So, i’m back from Yorkshire. Twas lovely as usual. Rex, my honourary dad was sweet and stubborn as ever. It breaks my heart watching him trying to do things that I can do while I’m there, but there’s a fine line between patronising him and helping. He’s got quite a lot of health issues and finds it incredibly difficult to move around and he’s in pain more often than he’s not. His obstinance prevents him from using a wheelchair permanently. Anyway, between bickering in a typically yorkshire jovial manner – we manage to get by whenever I go and see him. I like going to stay there. I feel it’s as close to being around parents and a safety nest as I can find. I have my own en-suite bedroom and when i get into the middle of the bed at night I sigh with contentment. My worries diminish when Im around Rex. His presence in my life gives me a sense of security which I otherwise do not have. It’s quite odd at times when i realise that I don’t have a familial support structure. But anyway, that is just how it is for me – and I live it as well as i can.

This week I’m going to start really thinking about doing some writing again. I’ve had a lovely break from it and although part of me is anxious about beginning again – I must. I have a love/hate relationship with writing.

I love it because I become wholly immersed in it, and I hate it because I become wholly immersed in it. I’m all or nothing, still. Most things do change – not sure if that aspect of my personality will ever. But I live with it. In the same way as Rex and I bicker in the most friendly manner possible – I also bicker with myself with regards writing. All I need to do is to try and learn to make the bickering between me and me more friendly, too.

Friday, 18 March 2011

do yourself a favour and just read this - that's all !

I saw you, A lighthouse that misleads Boats..
I saw you, changing faces like the earth, like an ongoing portrayal of Mary Magdalene by the same slowly perfecting Artist.
I saw you, an unnamed shade of fresh, young and unattainable green, Paradise green I called it.
Colours Are heard and smells are touched and the heart pours a transubstantiated ounce of pure love, funny, Love isn't pink, Love is a faded hint of blue, the same you find on old wooden boats on mediterranean docks.

Malek Eärendil Shaker

she stabbed me..

She stabbed me, her eyes already apologizing, I did not require an explanation,
I wondered if My life would start flashing in front of my eyes, I'd hate that,
I want to see her until I die.

her hand starts shaking, I take it away from the knife,
it's quite amazing that love can humanly exist, destroying all that nature dictates,
refuting all survival instincts with a walk under summer rain or an enchaining smile once upon a classroom.

I feel lightheaded. she cries, her eyes change when she does that,
I love her tears, they make her look like a brand new doll.
She wants to explain, but I already feel like it's been three years since I've slept.

Malek Eärendil Shaker

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

my boobs on the richter scale (according to a friend).

after my comments this morning about my boobs bouncing around Surrey... My dear amigo Pol has created this graph for reasons of mirth. Of course, it is only referring to the aforementioned boobs, and no other events involving quakes, of any kind ... Gotta admit it's made me chuckle my head off !

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

my love for you.

B -- you are a hallowed friend. My Family. Love. Reality. Thank you, thank you.

Monday, 14 March 2011

an email from the HOT 41 year old guy with whom i had Lunch, last week.

Remember the 41 year old HOT guy I told you who invited me for lunch? Well, I met him last week.... Below is the email that he wrote yesterday in response to our 50 minutes together.
Before meeting him I thought he was single, I'd been lead to believe that he was and not by him. Sadly, he is not.
No harm done. No touching, kissing, or anything else untoward took place considering he's married - you know what my feelings are towards that stuff... it's not for me.

Wow, that was one hell of a lunch. Great to have met you in the flesh at last. You were exactly as I thought you'd be. It's strange, but having read your book, you really get to know someone.

I really really hope that the book/TV work goes well - you have too much energy, too much to offer, to spend your time sitting behind a reception desk. I guess that the world of TV can be a hard one to crack, but if anyone has a chance, I think that you do.

Would love to say ' must meet again for lunch soon' but being totaly honest you are too bloody georgeous, you just ooze sex. I have a lovely wife and kids and the last thing I want to do is to mess that up. I could pretend that we could sit and have a totaly platonic lunch, but I know that it is best to keep temptation out of the way. I hope that you know what I am trying to say and why I have to say it.

Anyhow, if you ever need advice or are really in the shit, let me know. We all need a friend from time to time, so if I can help, let me know, I mean it.

Take care and let me know how it's all going '

nice, eh?



Monday, 7 March 2011

Sugar Daddy

Check this:
Another woman's experience of how it is to have a Sugar Daddy:

You really should take a look. You'll be intruiged - I kid you not.


Me. obviously... :O)

Sunday, 6 March 2011

it really is baloney, poo, shite, humbug, silly and nonsensical.

I cannot do my work. I am supposed to have shit-loads done for my agent for tmrw and I haven't done it, I've barely done anything and I don't think I can. I'm fucked.

Now, if I'd allowed myself to participate in a bit of something else this weekend instead of just staring at an effing lap top willing for a burst of creativity to happen, then that might have been more beneficial. Jesus H. I need to get my bloody act together. When will I learn that trying to bully myself into getting shit done does not a productive day make.

My God... I feel I've effectively wasted a whole weekend. Doing what, I'm not even sure. I mean, if I was kissing a boy that would be a worthy reason for barely getting anything done. But I cant even hold my hands up to that. This is ridiculous. Baloney, poo, shite, humbug, silly, non-nonsensical...

Well, it's not exactly non nonsensical - I do have a purpose for all this. And as Ive said time and again an empire doesn't build its self. Forgive me for stating the damn obvious. And neither it seems does it get built by staring at a lap top, faffing around on facebook, texting friends, fiddling with youtube, painting my nails, wearing facepacks, straightening my hair, plucking, waxing and scratching my bum.

I refused to go to my friends house for a girly night of food and gossip last night for this circus. Opting as usual to 'do some work' and getting not enough done.

Right, will try again now...



get with it...

if you think this song is cheesy - I'd agree. If, however, you don't like it - that's your problem :O)


Friday, 4 March 2011

your SINGLE male friends - GIZ ONE!!

WARNING: This is no laughing matter.

This was my earlier facebook status:
'I want a boyfriend. And anyone that I already 'know' needs not apply. Sorry. If it was going to happen - it wudda already.'Soo, based on this - I have an idea. You know the website ' My single best friend'? Well, it goes something like this... Friends suggest their friends as potential... Potential what? Well, I guess that's up to the two people in question.
Something can start as one thing and end in another. However, I must admit to that realistically I do not want a casual thing. I can't do causal. it's not me, sadly. I'd like an actual boyfriend.

You may wonder why I am so open about wanting a boyfriend.... Well, why not? Why do people get embarassed about feeling human and wanting to be with someone? Sharing your existing life with another person and together creating something new. What's embarassing about admitting to that?

I think having a man would be a lovely topping to my already sweet pie. I like my life. S'nice... A boyfriend would just be a yummy extra.

I want to meet someone and I'd like you to help me make this possible. Surely you there, my friends have SINGLE male friends who are, well, quite a catch...OK, realistically, I'm going to be blunt OK. He's gotta be fit. He's gotta have something, charisma, something... it's nice if he's good looking but that's not a priority. He must be confident and absolutely not loud. Intelligent - obviosuly. Have humour and compassion amongst many other things. Oh and I like full lips and nice hands and an intensity with how he conducts life. And if we're talking real potential boyfriend material - he must be older than me. Mid thirties upwards...

Oh, an another thing - He must not get drunk every week and he defintiely does. not. do.any. drugs.Nicotine is welcome, though...

And one last thing - he's never been in jail for murder or man slaughter or for any reason to do with physically harming a person or animal. I could go on and on and on and on.... but i cant be bothered, so i won't.

Other than what I've written above, I'm open minded. OH. MY. GOODNESS ME!!! I nearly forgot to mention that he must be at least 6'2. A legitimate 6'2. Most men I've met add on at least 2 inches.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Self doubt and Waffle.

Below are the three emails I've just sent to my agent.

Email 1:

Here I've attached the first synopsis.
It's a bit long and maybe long-winded and maybe it's dull. I dunno.
it's the first attempt.
I'll await your thoughts when you are ready.

Email 2:

In fact - sorry i'm tired. I'll re-write the synopsis tmrw. The basis is there but it needs re-doing.

Email 3:

The current synopsis is too mechanical.
just thinking aloud.
I'm off now! I'm talking shite. Il be in touch tmrw.

You gotta love a bit of self-doubt. And now I have a new favourite thing to do - copying and pasting emails - beware if you send me one. You might just see it on here!

hardy har har! fat-nosed smile > :O) I'm kidding OK! (sort of) I pick and choose my battles.

An email response to a suggestion of lunch.

You've seen text rants I've sent to idiot men who've tried to get into my knickers when it's been unwanted. But below is an email I've sent to an oh so handsome fella (6'3, 41 years old, loaded, not married and FIT) who has asked me out for lunch. We've had a fair amount of contact. And yes, him being loaded is an added feature. Any woman who says otherwise is lying. Of course it's bloody stupid to go out with someone based on this alone - OBVIOUSLY. But there's nothing wrong with admitting that it adds to his attractiveness. Shallow? Whatever. It's a Fact.

I haven't yet gone out with this guy, despite wanting to. Been busy and a scaredy cat, for the most part ... So for anyone who thinks I don't respond to you on purpose - it's not like that. I don't discriminate. I'm the same all round.

' Please forgive my delayed response.It's taken me a while to get my act together due to work and having my head in the clouds. What a week this is turning out to be.
Crumbs. I hadn't realised I'd end up so busy as a result of a conversation I had with my agent the other day.
It's fab. Exactly what I wanted - but I hadn't realised I'd have so much work to do in order to do what we've proposed to do. Based on this, ideally I'd reply to emails as soon as I get them (not that i'm flooded with interesting emails that urgently need a reply, or anything. Aside from yours, of course) otherwise I get swamped and trapped in my own little world of writing and before I know it days have passed and I haven't replied! Grr!

Anyhoo... Yep, I'm around next week. And the week after, and the week after that.
Sadly I'm not about to jet off any day soon to an exotic location with a hot man where we shall lie on white sand, basically naked, staring into each other's eyes. Unless you think we should? :O) hehee...

So we can have coffee and cake or coffee and lunch or coffee and well, just coffee, at any time.'