Sunday, 20 March 2011

Blue's new girlfriend text me.

So, some gossip for ya – Blue’s girlfriend or whomever she is, text me on Friday asking if I am still seeing him. What the hell ?? She musta snooped through his phone or email to get my number. I text back: ‘I don’t know you and I don’t want to hear from you, or of you, again.’

I believe that is known in the industry as a slam dunk.Yet still she text back! ‘so i take it you are then?’

I ignored her. Let her deal with her insecurities about what he feels or thinks about me. I’m not interested in this circus or anything to do with that tawdry time. I have not reason to dust down my artillery. I simply don’t care enough. I loved him, of course I did and I would gladly rush to get a blanket to cover him with if he was on fire. I'm not interested in seeing him suffer.

But after certain behaviors, I just don't continue – I thank God that I have an excellent inbuilt protective device. It’s called switching off. Completely. I went through the anger, the desire for revenge - which I indulged just a little...
What ?? C'mon - a man must know that if you screw your woman over and involve other women - there will be a retaliation. Retribution was served swiftly and quietly. He knew very soon but by that stage I'd already switched off so I ignored his attempts at communication. God, it all seems so long ago now.

So, i’m back from Yorkshire. Twas lovely as usual. Rex, my honourary dad was sweet and stubborn as ever. It breaks my heart watching him trying to do things that I can do while I’m there, but there’s a fine line between patronising him and helping. He’s got quite a lot of health issues and finds it incredibly difficult to move around and he’s in pain more often than he’s not. His obstinance prevents him from using a wheelchair permanently. Anyway, between bickering in a typically yorkshire jovial manner – we manage to get by whenever I go and see him. I like going to stay there. I feel it’s as close to being around parents and a safety nest as I can find. I have my own en-suite bedroom and when i get into the middle of the bed at night I sigh with contentment. My worries diminish when Im around Rex. His presence in my life gives me a sense of security which I otherwise do not have. It’s quite odd at times when i realise that I don’t have a familial support structure. But anyway, that is just how it is for me – and I live it as well as i can.

This week I’m going to start really thinking about doing some writing again. I’ve had a lovely break from it and although part of me is anxious about beginning again – I must. I have a love/hate relationship with writing.

I love it because I become wholly immersed in it, and I hate it because I become wholly immersed in it. I’m all or nothing, still. Most things do change – not sure if that aspect of my personality will ever. But I live with it. In the same way as Rex and I bicker in the most friendly manner possible – I also bicker with myself with regards writing. All I need to do is to try and learn to make the bickering between me and me more friendly, too.