Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Casting my net, to see what I find.

gosh – I don’t know if I’m being a drama queeen, over sensitive or what. I feel as though I have a gagging order in place.
Well, you know about Montanta? The hottie from last week...And you probably know by now that I’ve been hanging out with Blue again and now I’m suddenly really coy... Have you heard me? 'Hanging out with Blue’ – and the rest! but I dont' want to go into 'the rest' just yet.

He wants us to get together again – and I’ve said that's what I want too – but ... Oh, I don’t know. I wasn't expecting this.

I’m even reluctant to say much because I’m not sure what Blue’s reading... (especially now he can access my emails... what else can he do??) and what Montana’s reading – even though he’s not wanting anything from me, I care about how others feel. Maybe too much. I've got nothing to hide, but I feel as though I am treading on egg shells. Why??

None of what is going on should stop me from speaking my truth, though, really, eh? But you know... I do feel somewhat stifled, right now.

The thing with Blue is: We were together - then not - then I was checking out the substitute’s bench, and now Blue and I are back on...
He’s back at college in January – let’s see how things go then.I will just see, with no expectations.
He’s eager to make things work with us, now. He knows better what I need. And he realised apprently what he’d lost... I don’t blame him. But only time will tell if he can deliver. As I said before when we were together - I don't know what else I can do to better things for us as a couple.

Anyway – it’s been a delightful few days and he’s more sincere than before. More focused on 'us'. For now...
I may not have much ( material wealth) – but I have plenty of heart and I’m trying to better myself (spiritually, emotionally) all the time, which is something that is obvious to any one meeting me. Isn’t it Montana? “Yes, it is Clare” Montana says...

Life’s swirling, deep river is casting fish to the surface ready to be caught.. 2010 is going to be my year to harvest as much as I can, (not with regards to men - nah - with regards my hopes, my ambitions) to make 2011 better than I could possibly imagine. Although, you know me - I'd like a man floating around. This could be done while with Blue, or while kissing Montana, or doing the do with someone whom I haven’t met yet.
Or, of course, god forbid – I do it all on my own. Just little old me, and nothing but America’s Top Model for company - I like it, OK! No, I love it. Good, lighthearted entertainment, I say! It’s not a crime to like this frivilous stuff, is it!? I also enjoy classic literature and black and white films, but that doesn’t mean I have to bury my nose in those constantly, does it? Indeed, it doesn’t my friends. Indeed it doesn’t.
ViVa Vida!



Me, AKA Missy Gee

Sunday, 27 December 2009

curiouser and curiouser...

Well, I hope y’all had s delightful Christmas! I did. Although – I am loath to say much at the moment about anything. My head is a bit mashed; not with booze and drugs. Nah. I wish.
No – I spent time with Blue which was blissful. And all was good. We hung out, smooched, cooked, watched films... But as you may already have caught on... he some how managed to get into my email account.
Now, when we were together I did tell him my password – which I subsequently changed once we’d broken up. My password was a little bit complex, so if he managed to remember the original that would have been quite a feat – but the point is – I changed it, regardless, and he still got into it. How?
OK, when he told me earlier today that he’d read my emails (very casually I might add) I laughed and felt strangely flattered because he’d been stalking me. I am vehemently loyal when I am attached and I think the more I would say this to Blue – the more he questioned it. I was Too vocal apparently. But like I've said before I like to hear words - so I presume other people do...

Let’s face it – I wanted/want to be with him and it was a great disappointment when it didn’t seem to be working out. But him hacking into my email made me think that actually he still cares. This might sound a bit pathetic I know. If I heard someone else say this – I’d think ‘ get a grip!’ Maybe I’m meant to be angry. It’s been a habit of mine throughout my life to not get angry at stuff which people may expect me to. Anyway, it’s nearing the end of the day and dear Blue has gone home and instead of feeling anger about this situation, I am totally bewildered and a little put-out.
How can this be done? I now understand why my email kept bouncing back to me the other day when I tried to message him to thank him for the Christmas card that he’d dropped off. He must have closed down his email account – aware that people can hack into it... WTF?? That would mean that he’d never communicate with people via email cos they’d have to have his email address to be able to write to him. Very odd indeed. I thought I was paranoid. It's up to him tho - I'm not getting wrapped up in questioning this or that. If this is what he wants/needs to do to gain faith in me - then so be it. I'm not bothered. Some things are beyond pride. And I can hardly bleet on about ' privacy'. But even if I wanted to - I wouldn't cos I don't give a shit about that stuff, to be honest. Here - take my phone - have a good old nosey, look through my knicker drawer and see what you can find. I don't care about this stuff. Look! Go on! If there's anything you want - let me know and I'm sure you can have it! I just don't care. I care about people I care about hearts, spirits, goodness, decency, my sanity.

*Pass you the sick bucket?? here ya go!*

Blue is not a computer whizz. This whole thing is odd. I’m now wondering what else he can tap into... There’s one good thing about this – he could see how genuine I have been in the time we were together and showing that is actually more important to me than his ability to get into my emails.
I’ve proved myself without realising to be the honest woman I said I was. My behaviour was decent in all ways and he knows it. I’ve always said that I don’t do sneaking around, plotting, scheming – even when I’m single I do very little. But there was part of Blue’s personal insecurities which made him wonder why I wanted to be with him. And clearly he must have thought that there were times that maybe I was up to mischief.
It’s fantastic to know that he knows that I have lived up to my words.
Even so, right now, this evening I am reluctant to say anything about anything... I’m tired and I feel a bit spooked by it to tell the truth. Not that he actually did it – but that he was/is able to...



the latest...

So – I have gossip for ya...

1. I have seen Blue. (My ex-boy.)

2. He has been snooping through my emails. Hacked into my account.How do I know? He told me!

Thursday, 24 December 2009

My Zeitgeist

Yaaay! Wishing you a Happy and Joyous season all about love... It’s always all about love, isn’t it? Feeling it and liking it, feeling it and not wanting to. Not feeling it and wanting to and if you say you’re not feeling it and liking that – then you’re not honest. I hope your hopes are many for the coming year!

I’m thinking BIG. Visualise – get it! I totally believe in that. If you focus and work towards a goal – it will actually happen. But first, obviously – you must have a clear vision. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoMhU91MdzQ I’m excited about having time off work. I’m gonna get my flat in order – write 10,000 words of UnHooked (she says) and generally lounge around, hang out with friends and hopefully have sex with numerous partners. (heheee... not likely. But never say never. I'm far from closed minded.

Oh, and of course I will sleep a fair amount.
I am part cat.
Part human.
Part woman.
Part child.
And when I’m tired, I get waspish. No matter who you are and what you’re doing – it ain’t right. Arrrgh! Poor me! Poor me! Pour me a drink ! “ Self-pity is one of the biggest causes of relapse in a recovering addict” Bill Wilson.I love sleeping. I sleep a lot and the night before last I didn’t get much. Nope, ‘cos I was getting... well, you know - boned.

This left me feeling like a whingeing cow-bag yesterday. But after some quality snooze last night – I’m back to my fighting weight. Bigger, better, lighter (my period’s stopped. No really, really it has. Montana – if you read this – listen up, Mr! I am officially ready ... honestly. Maybe I was a smidgen too eager to do the do with you, so I thought it had finished when maybe it hadn’t quite.) *coughs*
I’m feeling fantastic today! Totally different from how I was yesterday and I’m ready to take life by the balls...
Sing: 'She’s like the wind' : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gbz-Lau5tcWell, my dad did used to call me a butterfly when I was little... changeable little mite that I was. And still am.

So, mon amores, wherever you’re travelling today, whatever you’re doing and with whomever you’re doing it with – be well. Keep safe, enjoy and ROCK IT!

And finally – for you, Senior Montana

Sunday, 20 December 2009

i love your smile!

I'm feeling excited! im about to go out... with a boy. first time since Blue.


Friday, 18 December 2009

We all need Hope.

Believe it or not I'm not depressed, quite the opposite! But you may think that the link below is a sad song.


I just want to share it with you. Please listen to it, if you have an opportunity.
I actually find this track uplifting; the reason being, when I used to be into this band I was in my late teens, into heroin and I remember laying in a bath, lonely, lonely, so lonely, silently crying.

The reason I find it uplifting is because I know, By God's Grace, I will never go back to that place I was in, then. If I did - I don't think for a moment that I would survive it. I have nowhere else to go, emotionally. And I'm sure my chances would be burned out.

Portishead, Roads.

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
* * *
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Sod's Law.

I hope you’ve had a less peculiar day than I have. I booked today off work so I could got to Yorkshire, and this is what happened:
First, I over slept. I finally got onto the train to take me into central London, and 15 minutes into the journey I realised that I didn’t have some tablets that I needed. I got off the train and turned back home to get them.
I eventually got to the mainline station to get the train north, and there was huge delays. Hoards of people and lots of cancellations. I waited for over an hour until my train was also canceled. I went back onto the underground to head home, and got a train going in the opposite direction. Fuck. I got off after 3 stops, realising that I was going in the wrong direction and got onto the right line and went back from where I’d come.
I then had to change. I got on the final train home and sat, and waited and sat, and sat some more... Then, an announcement : ‘We are held here, delayed for approximately 20 minutes because we are waiting for a driver’.


I finally got home, knackered and discovered that I have come on my period. Bloody hell !
I got into bed for an afternoon snooze, then got up and put the hob on to heat some wax. I went back into the sitting room to mind my own business. Next thing I could smell burning. I scurried back into the kitchen, and it was obvious that I’d left a plastic container of soup on the now, hot, ring... Of course it was burning and the kitchen was filled with smoke.

I give up for today.
I’m trying not to move now. I’m gonna stay put, on the sofa and try not to get into any more trouble.



Thursday, 17 December 2009

Lacking sponteniety? Or fear of the past...

I’m back home and I had a good night. It was fun. Everyone from work was there. I was placed on a table with the football agent who I’ve told you is one of the partners at my work place. It’s a bit of a joke around the office that I am single and that I kinda want to meet someone. The agent is now trying to set me up with one of the footballers he represents. That really wasn’t on my mind. One of the artsy, booksy people whose accounts my other bosses look after is really what I’d like to meet. Of course, since I’m not looking for a relationship ( She says. No, I’m not. Really) I guess a randy footballer with the stamina of an Ox would do for one night of fun. But what would we talk about ? Ahh, yes, we probably wouldn’t. Don't I mind that? I do mind, really, yes.

I’m going north again tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it! It’s so nice to get out of London at times. I miss the European weekend breaks that Sexless used to take me on. Those times were so glamourous, he had the money and imagination to be able to make it such - but sexless, as his name suggests. Oh well... Things change, we’re still close, but we’ll never go away for another holiday together. It’s a pity in some senses, but so what, eh? The main thing is that we still care immensely for each other. Sexless has just gone to Miami for a couple of weeks, lucky so-and-so. I asked him ( tongue in cheek) if I could go with him. He laughed and said:‘ Noooo, baby! You can’t! ’spoken like a big girl. He’s lovely, he is.

So, something’s gotta give over here - and next time unlike my time with Blue, it won’t be me, me, me,me... I’ve really got to get some action. I’m feeling physically stagnant. Dunno if my current excessive hornyness is due to my being due on, or if it’s just that I haven’t had sex for a few weeks. Grrr! What to do... What to do..? There is one person who I suppose I could ride – but I don’t actually know him. I’d like to see what he has to offer – but he keeps suggesting that we meet up, and it’s really late by the time we’ve both finished work. I’d feel weird meeting someone, when I know we’ve both got sex on our minds, late at night. It’s too close to my past. Well, that's the reason I’m sticking to... that, or maybe I lack spontaneity with these things these days. I don’t know, I don’t know...
I lived so spontaneously in the past that I like to be more controlled with my actions, today.
Do you think I live too much in my past? Am I too scared to let go of it totally, and put it to one side, do you think? How much of your past influences you? Or does it depend on how traumatic your past experiences were? I mean, without your past who would you be? You see, I just have no idea who I’d be...

Maybe that’s what I’m scared of finding out...



Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Riding a Wave.

Well, everything seems to be in order over here. I’ve tidied my flat. Kind of. You know I really dislike housey chores. I’ve got the washing machine on, and I have a steak under the grill... I’d better watch that...

Hooked is with the publishers with very little if anything for me to do on it, right now. So what’s left? That’s it – sex. I want some. And I want some now, and I’m not going to get any tonight,or tomorrow,more than likely, apart from with myself, and definitely not over the weekend – I’m going north. Pah! What a joke.
Once upon a time I had sex practically daily – nah, not when I had a boyfriend – no, when I was a hooker. And now? Nada. You know, I’ve kinda done this to myself. I decided a while back, no more sex buddies for me – and now I want a piece, it ain’t so easy. I’m gonna make it happen tho. I will. I don’t need to go out and get drunk to have some random sex. Nope. Those days are long gone. I love the feeling of ‘choosing’ who I bang, with no regrets. Bygone days ( when I had sex for free) I’d wake up in the morning not knowing where the hell I was, and often, with whom, and I’d be regretting my antics.

So – over the last 2 weeks a number of things have changed in my life. It’s odd. They appear to be small things but they’re quite significant.
First, Blue and I split up. Next, there have been some surprising changes to my book, ( get me – ‘my’ book!) and I’m happy with them. Next came a new book cover. So, now there will be two as far as I understand. The second book jacket is very different to the one that you’ve seen. Variety is good, no!? Then, my Facebook page got deleted by Big Brother, Facebook, so I’ve had to start again, there... Finally something else may be happening with regards the book, which I can’t say yet. ( Listen to me! Classified information alert! It’s funny). No one has verified what I believe to be happening – so I’m keeping zipped.

When a few changes occur at the same time in my life – I see this as a period of development. At a time like this many, many things are possible. I believe life moves in waves; sometimes choppy, sometimes still, sometimes the ocean forms into a beautiful swollen, sumptuous wave. And despite being in awe of its power, it is not frightening. While on top of this fertile wave, I feel my connection to the planet, I feel the richness of life and possibility. It's there. Take it. It’s yours.



Monday, 14 December 2009

la, la, la, la, la....

OK, after tonight I am going to get me some fun.
I am. I need it. I want it. I deserve it. I’ve been working hard recently and after the final push tonight – I will be done. My precious book will be (for my part, from what i understand) finnished. Well the writing and reading section. Then the marketing will beign shortly I’ve been told.
I will soon be able to unwind, before thinking about the second book. Unwind? Me? That’s a pretty new concept...

It’d be so lovely to have someone to snuggle with, this evening and to tell me what a clever girl I am while stroking my hair and my...
I’ve changed my tune from the past days, when I made the statement about if Brad Pitt offered himself up to me in little more than a towel and a smile, I’d tell him to put some clothes on and not be so bloody silly.

The devil’s in me, it seems. I’m full of friskiness. I’m feeling raunchy and up for a bit of skin on skin tet a tet.



Sunday, 13 December 2009

Who's gonna be a bad girl, then? I am.


A whinge a day...

I’m sitting at home after spending time with L today.
I’ve just eaten an apple that has made me feel a bit sickly. Apples and bananas always do this to me.
As well as feeling sick, i'm feeling sorry for myself. My period is due and my boobs are sore and swollen. Oh well... at least I seem to be getting them regularly now.
I should be grateful for that I think I’m tired – I slept really badly last night. It was getting light by the time I finally settled to sleep. Rubbish. Oh and Christmas ? I think I’ll be home alone during the day. A friend will pop over in the evening... Daddy’s going to my uncles apparently, but no one mentioned me tagging along – and our relationship is not one where I can invite myself. Not surprisingly they haven’t asked me what I’m doing.
God, I’m having a real whinge today, eh? I like to have a bit of a moan sometimes, don’t you? Not too much – it’s just a bit of a comfort thing, ya know.

Talking of comfort – it’s been a while since I had any nookie... I want some very soon. I’m getting itchy feet. I need some physical. Speaking to L. today was lovely. She’s always got gossip and antics to tell me about. I don’t live like a nun myself, but L. is actively ‘dating’ as she puts it and I reckon I’ll live vicariously through her for a while.
Why is that? Look, even if Brad Pitt came knocking on my door, now, I wouldn’t get involved. It’s the last thing that I want. But I said I want to get banged? Yep – but when that happens I will ensure that it is not in a situation that could turn onto something. That will be very, very clear to the recipient of my pum-pum.

Oh, and by the way: A final whinge. I am utterly narked at my facebook page getting deleted. It's a real ball ache! And right now I just don't have the energy to find some of the friends that I lost... grrr!



Saturday, 12 December 2009

Woman Power.

I’ve been reading Hooked. This is the final read-through before I approve it, then it goes to the printers. The publishers want it back by mid week, with any final corrections or minor changes I may want.
It’s amazing to see my rights as the author and all the copy write blurb and ISBN number and the fact that there will be a copy held in The British Library, in the front of it. WoW!
I love the book. It’s good ... brace yourselves!

So, Fucking Facebook deleted my last page, eh? 2800 pals down the drain. I know why - Mr S. complained about the post: Naughty Weekend that I posted in my Notes on Facebook. I could sulk but I won’t. Fair play to him. I understand his point and I was sailing close to the wind.
I tell you – i feel as though since the break up with Blue a valve has been turned down in me. I have gained a better perspective on what is important in my life. And what’s important ? Me. And what I want, and I want to be a successful writer. I will be. That’s what I’m going for...Despite my gramma being pretty appaling!

At some point I hope I will be able to give myself to someone in a relationship again – but I can assure you that I will not put up with anything other than everything I deserve. My brief time with Blue really gave me a wake-up call. It really did. I do too much to try and please him. I give too much. I hope the experience has not jaded me into mis-trusting my behaviour in a potential future relationship. I won’t let it. I wouldn’t allow a 4 month fling to influence me like that. I like how I can be with a man I’m involved with - I don’t want to become hard, I’m not hard by nature, but I do need to think about myself more. I currently have walls in place to protect myself from anything other than myself. But as I said, i don't want to get cynical. I can certainly be tough, but that is something I tend to exhibit in only one of two situations: self-preservation or fury, neither of which I am currently feeling .
I’m not going to accept anything than, ‘It all’. I can get that, that's not arrogance, that's knowing my worth. I’ve never doubted it, but I have allowed myself into relationships with people whom, actually don't have it all. In fact, some of my past men haven’t had anything. Why has that been acceptable to me? Crazy. I’m not going to mother or ‘rescue’ another boyfriend, ever again. I will run to the hills, if they are either in recovery or if they don't have a decent job, a place of their own, and tons of love and a desire to share who they are with me.

I am going to aim high, actually. I have written an excellent book, I am going to finish the first word-dump of the second book before the end of January. I have a lot going for me. I am very sweet and apparently I’m ’too modest’ according to the Photographer whom I have fallen out with yesterday. That definitely guarantees that we won't have sex, again. It's been moths, anyway, if you remember what i said in my last post...
I will think about my levels of modesty. Maybe he's onto something. Who knows? He was implying that I lack self confidence and saying it in an exasperated manner. Maybe I do, in a way – but I also don’t blab constantly about how good I am and how good looking I am – as he tries to, incognito. I know someone else who does this – and they haven’t got anything to boast about.
Don’t hype yourself until you’ve proved yourself, I say... Talk is cheap. I don’t care how well the Photographer is doing - he could do to practice a bit more humility instead of the fake modesty he tries to convey.

You must think that I seem to be falling out with a few people recently – not really – to be honest apart from my girl friends, I don’t care. I’m just not taking any male prisoners. I practiced this last night when someone text me... I was really polite, but direct – and I said I will either be normal and a friend, but I won’t play cat & mouse, if he wants me to chase him for something. Fuck it. He wrote back a really respectful message back. Just treat me normally whoever you are. I’m gonna treat you normally. I’m not gonna flirt with you or sleep with you, so stop trying to sleep with me.

I have promised myself that I am going to try and speak my truth as much as I can. I people-please too much. It’s time that stopped. I’m a grown woman, I need to give myself kindness, in the same way I give it to other people.
I hope this all doesn’t sound angry. I’m not. I haven’t been aware of being calmer for a long, long time. I think it is the freedom of having my life pretty much in order, and that I have no responsibilities except to take care of myself and to check on my father. I am heading ion the right direction to fulfill what I dream for myself. Men, relationships, can get to hell, for now. I’m not ready. I never was. Altho it’s only through the mistakes that I’ve made that I’ve learned this. So to Blue, I thank you for making me realise where I go wrong.



Friday, 11 December 2009

Ups & Downs, but mainly Ups.

Oh, balls!
My Facebook page has been deleted. No reasonable explanation except that I am an ex-cocaine-fiend-ho. Well, nada I can do about the past, is there.......

Please re-add me to my new account. I'm still under the name Missy Gee and you should recognise the boobs in the profile photo, even though there's little else there, right now.


So, in keeping with my recent seemingly care-free mood - I accepted immediately that there is bugger all I can do about it. It's annoying, but it's alright.
All 2800-odd buddies I had have now dwindle to 11... But that's better than none.
I have faith that it will grown again soon enough so I'm not gonna worry about it.

Well, what day.........

I cried at work. Well, it was within work hours but outside of the office.
I received a copy of Hooked. The final, final draft. The proof read.I need to read and check that everything is hunky dory before I accept and then I guess it goes to be type set.
How blinkin' EXCITING!!

I am incredibly proud, to be truthful. I did it. I did it. If I was a singer it's the equivalent of getting a record deal with, say EMI or something. Thsi si a dream that seems to be coming true.

It's a momentous feet for me, and I wanted to share a cuddle and to embrace my elation and humility with someone I care about.
I thought of Blue. I wish he'd been there, but he wasn't. He never was, even when he told me that he was.
So, I called my father. Daddy used to be the last person to hear about anything involving my life - today he was the first.

He's proud too.

I have begun reading Hooked - and as I've said before, it's good. I'm very pleased.
You will enjoy it.

As you may have guessed I decided against going north this weekend... I want to read the book, continue clearing out my flat and just potter...

Everything is good in Gee camp. So, if Facebook want to try and deflate my high - then they can P-off! It ain't happening...



Being Kind.

'Pick up a bee from kindness and learn the limitations of kindness.'


Thursday, 10 December 2009

What Happens When One Door Closes...? that's right.

Well, well, well... how things work is amazing. I’ve broken up with Blue and suddenly I am re-connecting with people that I haven’t heard from for ages. I met a friend at lunch time who I used to work with before. He’s so wise and loving. I’m not talking ‘trying it on with me loving’ I’m talking, compassionate and understanding. He’s intuitive and I appreciate his wisdom. It was lovely having lunch bought for me, instead of me paying. I’d almost forgotten what that feels like.
Gee is back!

I’m kidding. Sort of.

Today, I’ve mended another bridge that I had upturned with that Photographer guy I told you about ages ago. Remember him? I thought you wouldn’t! So many men, so little time, eh..!? He’s an ex-model who went out with that famous American singer. My ex-sex buddy. I’ve known him years and whenever we were both single, we’d do the do.
I decided a while back after Dee and I broke up that I wasn’t going to indulge in those kind of things any longer. I just don’t want it in my life. In or out, I say – OK, maybe a one night thing at some point. But only for one night, but hassle? Nah. It’s Not for me. I want a simple life.

Anyway, Mr Photographer has been pissed with me over the last few months (quite a few months!)because I had offered no explanation about why I had stood him up and not answered my phone to him. This is even before I met Blue. And when I was with Blue it wouldn’t have been appropriate to have contact with the Photographer. Not cos Blue asked me not to, he didn't, I’m just like that. Over the top, some might say.
I know I must sound really lame at relationships. Not just romantic relationships, it seems, but friendships too.
Hmmm... I’m trying to change this now.

Anyway, earlier today while I was at work I tried talking to the Photographer on the phone, and I tried explaining that I was no longer gonna be a sex-friend to anyone; but we both had too much to say – so we met for coffee after I’d left the office.
He lectured me about the fact that I keep acting ‘peculiarly considering that I am meant to be a friend.’ Well, to me, a fuck buddy may be a friend – but it’s just not the same as platonic friendship, is it? The same rules don’t apply. Or at least I felt I didn't owe him explanations. God, I’m not good with dealing with men and sex. It all gets quite confusing sometimes.
After a while, (in a fuck buddy situation) one or the other often tends to either want more, or their self image comes into question because the other person is not chasing them, and wanting more. It’s a bloody mine field.

Anyway, he finished talking, then I lectured him, we disagreed, then we agreed on a conclusion. We are re-starting our friendship, totally minus sex.
He is fucking hot, this guy, he’s stunning, with the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. Call me shallow, it's OK... But now, I've mentioned the dick you remember him, right?? But definitely, for us, friendship is the way forward. The sex thing has gone on/off/on/off for too many years to bother continuing it when that’s not what I want any more. I’ve had my piece of his pie.
I know that this guy and I will be able to hang out together with little or no issues. Why? Well, although he has a strong, muscular body and he’s 6/3’ – I’ve never massively fancied him. He has a beautiful face which I once described as 'perfect', but the thing is, he didn’t draw me to him like Blue used to.
Another reason we are likely to be able to make a smooth transition into a platonic relationship? He is strong willed and he will ‘prove’ to me that he never wanted me ‘just for sex’ as I stupidly tried to imply earlier. I only said this because I felt trapped during our chat. Our arrangement suited us both but I want it to change now.

I like him a lot. He's a really nice guy to be around. He’s driven, he’s cool, he’s getting successful and he’s clever. I like that. I don't know too much about the rest of him, cos we've never talked too indepth, even after knowing each other for so long. At least from the view point that we’re both focused on world domination – a genuine friendship can grow. He's creative and I try to be - so let's see if I can behave normally. He's worth having a friendship with.

... especially just before I was leaving one of his friends came to meet him. There's only one word to describe the friend: FIT!
But you won’t believe what he does... He’s a bloody actor! Just like Blue. But unlike Blue, this guy's on TV etc.

I’m staying clear. For now.



Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Gagging For It.

I love skipping. Skipping across roads, along pavements just here and there.Not all the time, obviously. That’d be silly. I’m not saying whenever I do this that I go into a full-blown skip as though I have a rope with me – I simply mean a quick 1,2,3 ... you know.

I’ve just got home to my ‘cosy little existence’ as Blue used to call it, after meeting a woman about a cat. Now, I’m being silly...
I just met a woman who is an editor. She’s quite something. I greatly respect her and really appreciate her eccentricity. We chatted a lot during the couple of hours that we were together. I love talking to older women. They make me feel warm; the motherly figure that I’ve never had.

I’m loving my little flat right now. I’m slowly going through a huge clear out of my stuff. You know, paper, clothes, clutter, things that haven’t been used for yonks.
Before I came home I went into Boots and spent nearly 60 quid on stuff which I will probably end up throwing out during my next clear out. I could easily spent a grand in Boots given half a chance. I love that place. Not that I will have the opportunity any time soon. If ever. I’ve bought some things which are going to beautify me to perfection. I’ve been feeling confident and sexy the past days. Loving the simplicity of my life.
I miss Blue; I miss the fantasy – but he popped my bubble and has opened my eyes to how I am with men. Nothing bad - I just learned a few things. How Blue was during our liaison is his concern. Not mine, so I won't mention that.

I’m thinking of going up north again this weekend; and I’ve decided by the following week I reckon I will be ready to source a bit of ‘how’s yer father’... Just something casual; absolutely no commitment.
If I can handle that or not is yet to be seen...



Today is Everything.

Look to this day,for it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities and realities of your existence the bliss of growth, the glory of action, the splendor of beauty.
For yesterday is but a dream. And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day,such is the salutation of the dawn.

The Sufi

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Everybody loves Sunshine.

if you're not feeling this - then I don't know what's ever gonna touch you!


I Adore This!



Seeing Blue.

I’m sitting on the sofa and I can hear my i-pod which is in my bag about 3 meters away! That’s not good, is it? I do have it pretty loud when I listen to it, but I didn't realise that it’s that loud! Yikes.

So, I was on the train heading home today and this guy was really looking at me. But let’s face it I must have been ‘really looking’ at him for me to know that he was
‘really looking’ at me, eh?
For some reason, I started thinking ‘I wonder if he reads this blog or he’s on the Facebook page?’ Ego Alert! That’s not like me. Forgive me please.
I’ve never thought that about anyone before today... But then, for a split second I wondered if I had ever had sex with him for money, many years ago and he recognised me? And then I woke up.
I don’t even look the same! I wasn’t traveling on the same line as I used to – plus I was sober and not sniffing and rubbing my nose like a maniac.

Anyway, I got my belt back.
Blue dropped it into work yesterday. The receptionist down stairs had gone early, it seemed, so Blue text me to see what I wanted him to do with the belt.
‘Bring it upstairs please’ I text back. He did. There he was, the guy that less than two weeks ago I’d have walked over hot coals for, until I admitted to myself that he wouldn’t have done the same for me, handing me my tan leather belt.

“Your hair looks nice” He said.


“So, how’ve you been?”

“Well, I’m feeling a bit funny since you’re right here, now. But honestly? I’ve been feeling good. I’ve been well. I’m alright... “ He said nothing.

“ I didn’t realise just how stressed I was during the time that were together.” I continued. “The last week has shown me that. So I’m alright with everything at it is. I’m really fine” I nodded.
He looked at me, briefly, then said :

“ I’m going” He didn’t sound moody at all.

“Have a nice Christmas” I called after him.

“You too” he answered.

And that was that.



"It's Not You it's Me"

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

*Bet you're grinning already, aren't you? That'Oh dear, here we go kinda smirk...*What’s wrong with using this phrase? I don't get it. Why do people talk scornfully about this sentence, raise their lips to a wry smile and shake their head as if to say: 'Ahh, so she hit you with that one, did she?"

"It's not me it's you," makes complete sense, to me. Am I missing something, here?

Surely if you are in a relationship, and the other person chooses not to be with you any longer, for whatever reason – that choice is about them, so they would be perfectly in their right to say 'Look, this is about me, it's not you.'
And likewise, if you do the kicking top the curb - It's your choice so, it is about yourself and not them.

What with the big cynicism about people using this phrase?

If you're doing the dumping, you've made the decision, so surely, it is about me (as the dumper) and not you (as the dumped.)

If I dump someone does the real reason matter? I mean, if you get dumped - do you really, really want to know the exact reason why? It's rarely so simple that balck & white explanations can be given unless your partner stopped fancying you. And then, would you really want to know that?

No, I didn't think so...

OK, so let's say I dump someone cos I've noticed he has a habit of constantly picking his bum and sniffing it. Am I supposed to say this to you? I never would. I'm far more graciousthan to embarass someone like that.
For me, if my decision is made, and the thing is over, then surely that is about me – and not you.

Why would I say to the fictious (no really, he is, ficticious!) offender as mentioned above: ‘Look mate, the real problem why I'm ending this is that you keeping picking at your bottom and not content with just that - you keep smelling it and, you may be surprised to hear that, that’s put me off you’.

Why would I do that to someone?
The said chap clearly enjoys the aroma of his picked bum, that’s why he does it, and that's not my business, is it.

Some might say: 'Well by telling him it gives him a chance to change.' I wouldn’t even want to be with someone who would have to promise me that he wouldn’t perpetually do something that upsets me. I’d hate to be with a guy who promises me that he’d change. I'd never even suggest it. Sod that.

My style? I watch and listen to how people are in their relaxed and natural state... That way, you learn everything you need to know about them.

So, I ask you my friends - what is wrong with ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ eh??
It’s always the decison makers problem/issues, whatever, surely? This makes sense, does it not?
Even if someone cheats on you - It's still you making the decison that you won't tolerate it, and the cheater should get a one way ticket to hell and not look up on his way down. So on ending it - yeah, you could scream - 'We're done cos you cheated on me, you effing *bleeep* low down *bleeeep* effing *bleeep*' But why bother? Conserve your energy and just tell him:

'I just cannot and will not accept your behaviour for another minute longer.'

"I'm sorry, sorry baby, Please"

'It's not you, it's me.'

This might baffle him. But to me, this is logic, right?



Monday, 7 December 2009

Pet Hates.

Ok – gonna tell you some pet hates that occurred on my way into work today.

People speaking on hands-free sets, hands-free mobiles, whatever the terminology is. WTF? Just hold the fucking phone in your hand, why don’t ya? You have at least one spare hand. Are you too important or too lazy? But you don’t mind looking a tit walking down the street, appearing to be talking to yourself.

People saying their surnames, slowwllly as though it’s really, really, important and that I should be honoured that I am talking to them. Get a life. I’m not impressed that you have a surname. Most people do.

Men who think they’re really cool. Women that think they are, I can tolerate. I find it almost endearing. Men? They get on my fucking nerves. You know the type; they try to hold you hostage with excess amounts of eye contact ,they’re overly chatty, and they grin at you constantly, believing that that they’re being charm personified– when actually, they’re just creepy and highly irritating.

People that speak really fast. Slow the hell down. What’s wrong with you? This tends to be privately educated people or Catherine Tate’s ‘ face bovvered’ types. I know it’s a huge generalisation – but there we are...

People eating while talking on the phone. I know you think it sounds informal and somehow ‘cool’ – I used to think that too when I was at junior school. Now, please swallow your food before you pick up the blower. It’ll only hold you up by a few seconds. You might be busy – but I don’t suppose even Barack Obama takes calls with his mouth full..

People eating loudly. I have a real problem with this. Chomping and making a big deal out of doing something that we all do, every god dam day really winds me up. Pipe down. There is no need or reason for this. Why? Why? Why torture the innocent people that you’re with, with this incessant noise? It’s just not fair...

And something that made me grin my head off was, ‘Hug a ginger day’. Please. It’s not the ‘ginger’ aspect to this that is funny, it’s the concept of such prejudicial segregation being so wrong, yet laughing, while looking over ones shoulder to make sure no one catches you.

Back later...



Sunday, 6 December 2009


I’m alone, I’ve just been in the bath, straightened my hair, eaten a small salad with grated carrot and beetroot, just painted my nails and I’m drinking Cammomile tea. While I’m writing this I’m smoking a Camel Light and The History channel is on the TV.

I have been more relaxed over the past week than I have been for ages. My ‘down’ period two weeks ago was probably not so much about depression creeping back, but stress due to circumstances beyond my control. (I sound like John Malkovich in the film Dangerous Liaisons ‘It’s beyond my control.’ He’s so sinisterlerly sexy, don’t ya think??)
Anyway, I really want to nurchure this peace and these feelings of contentment. I realised today that since I moved into this flat – (which if you remember is the first time ever that I have not been relient on someone supplimenting my rent or helping with bills etc.) I haven’t had a time of embracing and wallowing in my new found independence, alone. It is such a huge deal for me that I’ve finally become independent, and it’s a pity that my personal achievement, initially, was clouded by me allowing myself to be involved with something which actually distracted me from revelling in my own glory. I was too stressed, but wouldn't admit it.

So what, I hear you scream? So what? I didn’t find the solution to world poverty – I just started paying all my own rent andbills. Yeah, but for me, it’s something I’m proud of. I’ve lived dependently for so many years in one way or another that it’s amazing that I even had the guts to do something which was outside of my comfort zone.
Now, it’s time for me to do what I want to do, just for me, and to continue finding enjoyment from small things.



Saturday, 5 December 2009

Attitudes, Men & Friends.

OK, yesterday I emailed Blue this:
“Hi – I’ll keep this brief. Hope you’re well. I know you’ve been busy, but I’d like my belt back. I know it’s only a belt but it means something to me. I don't want to open up dialogue, here I’d just like you to drop the belt to the receptionist at work next week. He leaves at 4pm, so please drop it off before that. Thanks.“

He replied: “Hey – Hope you’re well too! As I said – Of course! I’ll drop the belt on Monday. It’s the end of term tomorrow, so time and sanity will be restored for me to be able to do that. x”

He has a belt of mine, incase you hadn't guessed. I’m not remotely petty about such things usually – but that belt is something that I’ve managed to hold on to through many situations and many years and I’d like it back. I know he likes it, but I reckon I did enough for Blue when we were together, without him keeping a belt that I like. I hope I didn’t sound angry in the email?

Later, yesterday, the guy – you know THE guy from the other day (i wrote a post about it - then took it down) called my work to speak to his friend. Yeah, right. Just call your mate’s fucking mobile why don’t ya!? Funny. I was cool. In fact, I felt nothing. I feel nothing now. During the brief call The ‘rock star’ asked after my health as I did his, and that was pretty much it.
His friend (my colleague) had gone abroad that very day. Odd, since they're meant to be so bloody close, that he didn’t know.

Not sure what’s going on with me at the moment as far as my feelings go. I’m not feeling much about much. Well, not much to do with romance. I’m feeling good and very clear headed about what i want for myself. I’ve been painting my bathroom and clearing out some clothes. My life is feeling much lighter for me right now . I feel in control, and I’m trying to make my environment clutter-free too.

Anyway, so, today I met with the second friend who is trying to dump me. Yep – you just know about one. How can all this happen in the same week? I should be ashamed to admit this – but there are currently 3 friends who are totally hacked off with my inability to stick to plans. It’s really not good or funny. How I’ve coped with these accusations from my girls, and their disgruntlement is anyone’s guess. I don't feel inundated by it. I’m just dealing with one thing, then the next, then the next and it’s all alright. I didn't realise how draining having Blue around was. I've freed up so much brain space now I'm single.

I’ve decided that my constant self-imposed isolation is a mental problem...

It’s a bit odd, don’t ya think? I’m way too comfortable in my own company - unless that is there's a man in my life then I spend too much time with them, thinking about them, trying to make them happy. I've learned this shit from being small. I was so desperate to ensure that my dad wouldn't leave me as my mum had.
It's so fucking rubbish, I know.

Ok, the first friend – who I wrote about last week – I’m meeting her on Tuesday to make up. I’m happy with that. We’ve exchanged emails over the past days so I hope that when we meet it’ll be easier to communicate what has been happening...
Friend two – is K, whom I met today. I let her down when she broke up with her boyfriend when I was meant to go to her house for dinner and It’s been many times that I’ve said I’d go round, or meet her for coffee and I’ve canceled at the last minute. Not good, not good. What the hell is wrong with me?

So I said there are three friends who are fed up of my lame-ass. I told you that I met Kay on Wednesday? It was lovely. So after wednesday we arranged to go out last night and guess what? I canceled. She is angry and upset with me, but mainly angry. I find it hard to deal with conversations if someone is upset with me and She’s really fucked off.
The embarrassing thing is that when we met on Wednesday I’d been bleating on about changing my unreliability. And what do I do? Fucking cancel our very next date. Shit.

All this baloney is the complete opposite to how I am with boyfriends. I’m so over- dedicated and will do anything to make the guy I’m with, happy. It’s. absolutely. fucking . nuts.
Even when my adoration is reciprocated. It’s still crazy for me to be like that. I’ve been cherished in most of my relationships – and still, I cast everything else aside for the guy. It’s just not good. These men come first in just about every respect.
What the fuck? Don't my friends matter? Don’t I matter?

I’ve got two books that I was given in rehab. I’ve never read them: “Women who Love Too Much” and “Do I have to give Myself up to be Loved by You?”
I think it’s time for me to read them.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Thou shalt not Write another Word ! (not yet)

OK – I’ve done the things I have needed to do over the past few days. Stuff like editing and emailing certain very important people dharlings, epic emails about more editing and what I hope to achieve because of my book.
Now, I’m sitting at work, and I suppose I should be working. Instead, I’m crapping myself at the prospect of my next couple of evenings being filled with writing UnHooked. Arrrgggh!! The thought just turns my stomach. I will need to draw up a list of procrastination techniques so I can avoid writing a single word. I don't know how long my fear of writing more on UnHooked will go on for... hmmm... Should I be worried? Anyway, i do have some reassuring avoidance bits 'n' pieces that I could participate in, to relinquish at least some of the guilt.

A few stalling tactics, A la Gee:

1. Whipping myself into a maniacal frenzy and convincing myself that ‘I cannot do it!’ then stropping around with a frown on my chops.
2. Smoking. Can’t keep popping outside for a ciggie tho, when I’m at work.
3. Facebook and other useless Internet exploits. Faffing around, kinda staring and reading, not sure what and generally killing time. And lots of it.
4. Persuading myself that i am doing ‘research’ when I’m checking out random websites for no outwardly obvious reason.

Must go ........... am meeting Kay for coffee and a quickie.