Sunday, 6 December 2009


I’m alone, I’ve just been in the bath, straightened my hair, eaten a small salad with grated carrot and beetroot, just painted my nails and I’m drinking Cammomile tea. While I’m writing this I’m smoking a Camel Light and The History channel is on the TV.

I have been more relaxed over the past week than I have been for ages. My ‘down’ period two weeks ago was probably not so much about depression creeping back, but stress due to circumstances beyond my control. (I sound like John Malkovich in the film Dangerous Liaisons ‘It’s beyond my control.’ He’s so sinisterlerly sexy, don’t ya think??)
Anyway, I really want to nurchure this peace and these feelings of contentment. I realised today that since I moved into this flat – (which if you remember is the first time ever that I have not been relient on someone supplimenting my rent or helping with bills etc.) I haven’t had a time of embracing and wallowing in my new found independence, alone. It is such a huge deal for me that I’ve finally become independent, and it’s a pity that my personal achievement, initially, was clouded by me allowing myself to be involved with something which actually distracted me from revelling in my own glory. I was too stressed, but wouldn't admit it.

So what, I hear you scream? So what? I didn’t find the solution to world poverty – I just started paying all my own rent andbills. Yeah, but for me, it’s something I’m proud of. I’ve lived dependently for so many years in one way or another that it’s amazing that I even had the guts to do something which was outside of my comfort zone.
Now, it’s time for me to do what I want to do, just for me, and to continue finding enjoyment from small things.