Saturday, 31 October 2009

A Leopard can change its spots; clearly.

I just want to thank you all so much for being loyal readers of this blog. It's very humbling that there are some people that appear to enjoy reading my rants.

I have just discovered that Hooked is available for pre-order on Amazon in French, German, Japanese as well as English.
It is also possible to sign up to get a notification if you are in U.S, Australia or Canada, again, via Amazon.

And check this:

Gosh! it's all so exciting. It's amazing that this is happening. From how I was living to how things are today is a world apart. I'm still part bonkers, but hells bells - there is no comparison to how things used to be, and then on top to have started and finished writing a book is quite a feet for someone who once upon a time couldn't start and finish making a cup of tea. How things can change. Leopards can change their spots. I am proof of that.
And then, the cheese on top of the pie (I hope my made-up expression won't come back to bite me on my brown bum!) a publishers likes my writing enough to actually want to print it!!! Blimey! I'm a happy, lucky girl !
Thank you all for your support.

Oh, and by the way: feel free to pass my amateurish website onto your friends, if you think that they won't think you revel in seedy and debauched lifestyles. It's all about the writing, isn't it dharlings!

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Gossip Update!

I'm getting worked like a cart horse at my work the past two days. Blimey - it's none stop. I'm not a work fanatic or anything. In fact, I'm nowhere close to that and never have been, incase you didnt' already know that!
But i'm almost, dare I say it, enjoying the pressure. I feel alive and my brain is getting exercised despite not performing scientific tests for the good of human kind.

But, I'll tell you something: Along with a few billion other people on this planet, I'm looking forward to the end of tomorrow when the weekend begins. Yiipppeee!
Thinking of getting a smallish bright red love heart tattoo on the side of my wrist on saturday. Cute, huh? Will let you know.

I've had a productive evening. I've sent my 3 chapter to Lou, the editor. I started writing a justification for the work not being perfect. What the hell? Of course it's not going to be. I'm only just beginning with the process of writing UnHooked. It's my perfectionism that actually prevents me from writing anything at all, some of the time. I daren't start because I don't want to let myself down by not getting everything reading wonderfully from the start.
Tomorrow I am going to buy me a coat. Not a thick winter one. I have a few of those. But something light weight suitable for this unusually mild autumnal weather we're having in London right now.

Just had an email from a friend of mine who is a writer. He's a great writer but he also has a huge ego.

"Why didn't you want to meet me last week? Scared of getting fucked?" What a question. We once had a torrid affair, but that's long passed. Although utterly cocky, he means it with charm.
It's not as though I am randomly going to find myself riding his dick without realising what's happening.

"Or is it that you don't want to fall in love with me again?"

Please. Get over yourself.

Sexless called me when I was on my way back from work this evening. He goes abroad two or three times every month, for work, and when he does so he often brings me back some cigarettes. I rarely see him, instead he drops them off for me with the security guard at the building I work it.
So he called me today from Brussells.

“Do you want me to bring you some Marlboro Lites?” he asked. I felt a smidgen embarrassed because this happens a fair bit and it's the fact that we so rarely see each other that makes me feel worse about it I think. Kind of. I'm not too fussed, maybe im just saying that 'cos it's PC for me to say it...

“Yes, please”

“What’s wrong, are you alright? Don’t you want some?” he asked.

“ Yes, I just feel a bit awkward – I don’t want you thinking that I’m just using you for cigs”.

At the time it sounded really funny. Say it quickly... no, honestly it was funny... 'cigs', 'sex'...!?!!??
Maybe you needed to be there - or maybe it's just my lame humour.

OK - gonna make my bed time coffee which I hope will knock me out for a long and comfy sleep.

Night night amigos!

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Breathe Again.

I’m trying to juggle a few things at the same time. Or so it seems, when all I actually have to do is:

1. write a book.

2a. manage my relationship / 2b. friendships.

3. work 09.00- 17.30pm.

4. eat and consume liquids

5. sleep.

6. write a blog.

Numbers 2-5 (inclusive) some may say these are ‘just’ life. (Numbers 1 & 6 are personal to me) Although I see each of the above points as part of the simplicity and beauty of this marvel that we exist within, daily; I still sometimes struggle with it. Lots of people do, eh!?

What makes a change, for me, is, that I’ve been struggling with number 6 as a result of number 2a.
I’d like to say my struggle with 6 is also to do with 1. but alas, this is not so. I’ve barely participated in any book writing whatsoever recently. I just can’t get into it and worse stil I am not majory fretting about it. It will happen. Dunno when, but it will.

Number 3 plays a huge part in hindering my activity with number 6 and number 1. I’m tired after sitting in an office all damned day and the thought of creating literary masterpieces makes me squirm. And to be honest my loves, I’m even struggling to get my small brain into gear to write yous some goss opting to go to bed before the watershed. I’m sorry. I always feel so responsible for stuff, it’s ridiculous. My breaking loose from the daily blog, is, in many respects rather liberating , and in others I feel as though I am letting people down. Listen to me! Who the hell do I think I am, eh!? Do I think I’m so important that i’m not here mouthing off some bollocks about my life, (which incidentally has bugger all to do with anything of any world importance, economical relevance) your lives will be less enriched ? The answer is no, I don’t think that at all.

So the past few days... what’s been happening? err... sex. That’s what.

I can’t go into detail about our night in Windsor merely because I do not have the energy. I'm tired and I still have to get the first thee chapters of UnHooked to Lou, an editor, before the end of tomorrow. She has agreed to work with me (very last minute) so I have the chapters perfected ( if there is such a thing) before the Publishers takes me to The Groucho next week. *clears throat* Yep. You got that right folks... Me. The Groucho. Publishers.
Doesn’t that make a beautiful sentence... Yes, I think so too ! It’s hilarious! And brilliant! Love it. Life is good right now, today.

Despite only having about three hours sleep last night because Blue and I find it impossible to leave each other alone; from the moment we are off the street we are rutting like rabbits.
When we went to Windsor the instant we got into the hotel room we played for 2/3 hours. Just rollicking around having sex, smooching, giggling, touching being intimate, chatting, watching each other.

As a result we went out when it was too late to find a restaurant open. But with determination eventually we found an Indian restaurant.
Went back to the hotel and smooched til the early hours.

Our weekend was thrilling, loving and we’re totally smitten. I’ll speak for Blue too, there, so watch this space... I intend for this record to roll and roll and roll...

Monday, 26 October 2009

G-spots, Pretzels & Milk Chocolate.

OK, the location for mine and Blue's saucy weekend was changed at the eleventh hour. We went to Windsor instead of Oxford.

I would tell you ALL tomorrow, in the non-sensored detail that you woudl expect from me...

I've been quite unwell again today with a splitting head ache. I'm beginning to wonder if I am allergic to chocolate. Can. You. Imagine!!?
That would be criminal, would it not!

I still have a banging head and if I attempted to tell you now, about how I was stimulating Blue's anal g-spot and how he was pushed over the edge of delight straight into nirvana - I wouldn't give it the decorative description that it deserves. My head is really aching and it has been since around lunch time. I ate a pretzel with a galaxy chocolate bar for breakfast. I know, I know... but I'm a size 10, some times an 8, so it's OK! OK...?!

So, after some sleep I will tell you about the blood bath that we incured due to me being on my period. I won't tell you about that now. And I won't tell you about the 4 star hotel which was not 4 star at all...

I'll leave all that for tomorrow my friends. I hope y'all are feeling brighter than I am right now.
Bon Nuit.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

You know which Side your Bread is Buttered

Some people are addicted to shopping. Some people are addicted to crack. Some people are addicted to base...(im referring to the music variety, not chemical. Altho some people are addicted to that too) but I, much to my shame; I am addicted to bread and butter. Not just any bread, hell no. Spongy, fresh, white bread with acres of butter. Yuuuuuuummmmmy!!!
I realise now why I don’t buy it. Or I do, but only on rare occasions. I went into Waitrose yesterday on my way back from work (which is my nearest supermarket) and decided to indulge in my secret passion. Already I have demolished the majority of it. It’s not good. It’s really not. I’ve gone from no carbohydrate to excess amounts. I’ve definitely got my winter coat on now which amounts to maybe around half a stone... That extra weight makes the difference from firm and hard – to still relatively firm, but softer, rounder...
Hey ho... I guess these are the type of things people do when they are not well, in order to help recovery; eat stuff they like. I’m just trying to soothe my aching body which seems to be battle a pre-winter bug.

I’ve just discovered that I will have to leave the house at some point today unfortunately. I’ve run out of duty free cigarettes. Sexless brought me some back from U.S and they’ve gone already. Again this is not good. But I have to admit I am a tad more concerned about my bread consumption than my nicotine usage. I do have my priorities straight. Honestly, I do. No, I do... you know stuff like Sex with Blue, instead of writing my second book...

I’m gonna see if I can write some of my second book today and also work on Chapter 4 of Hooked, that the editor sent me to work on before she went away.
She’s back at the end of this week so I hope we can crack on with the rest of the edit... Chapter 4 of Hooked is very emotive for me and since she sent it to me I haven’t yet opened it yet. I get nervous. I worry. It’s my work. It’s a big deal to me... but today is the day...

First I’m gonna go and buy some more cigs, and err, eat just a tad more, err.... bread with at least a centimeter of golden goo perched on the top. Sue me! Yuuuuuuuummmmmyy!!


Monday, 19 October 2009

love-you -longtime.

I’ve had a banging head ache literally all day long. I often get an ache in my head, but today’s been a blinder. Actual pain; my eyes irritated by light and every minute at work spent wishing I was at home.
It’s pointless me writing a blog this evening – all I can think of is my aching head. I’ve just eaten and taken some more tablets and in a minute I’m going to lie on the sofa and stare at the TV for an hour (if I manage that) before clambering into my nest.

I saw Blue yesterday. He met me from the train station after I’d been to stay Yorkshire on Saturday night. We went to an Italian restaurant for a late lunch then pottered into town so he could get some clothes. He hates shopping. He’s rubbish at it. Really, really indecisive. I’m far more bold. If I like it I buy it. Don’t think that’s cos I have money to burn. It’s simply because I rarely go shopping. I hate traipsing round shops inanely; especially with no direction. That would do me in. I love clothes and all that jazz, but I am no fashionista, but like anyone it’s important for me to look nice. I understand style and I like to keep mine simple; understated. Blue is no slave to fashion so when he started umming and arring I took control.
‘This, this, this and that. Buy it. It looks good.’
‘ But... ‘
‘But what? You look good in it. Get it.’

Done deal.
He’s really pleased with his purchases. Good, cos the guy looks hot!

We came back to mine pretty late and had four love-you-longtime sessions. The first was a lingering couple of hours(ish) of playing; enjoying each other, slowly, passionately,chatting, sucking, just being naked. Massage, kisses, licking, tasting. This wasn’t a fuckathon for two hours.It was a naked frolic and exploration and appreciation of each other. God, I’m into him. We’re into each other.
This type of desire and passion really doesn’t come along often at all. I have experienced similar once before , when I was 24. But then I didn’t know myself as well as I do now, which makes this with Blue even more unique. And I didn’t communicate as well with that guy, Alex, as Blue and I do. The way the two of us talk is rare. I can be myself and he understands me; my inquisitiveness about everything, things, people, stuff. We understand each other on a level that words are not needed all the time. We're in synch. I wonder if a part of this is helped by the fact that we’ve both suffered emotionally and had past issues with chemical dependency.
Blue totally reciprocates my lust for life, people and learning.

I feel lucky, I do. I have to say it. I’m not gloating, I am simply expressing my appreciation of what we are sharing.
I know it’s early days but I can say this much: there is nothing between us that I have heard or observed from him that is pointing me to ‘No-go’ Lane. Nothing. And believe me I miss very, very little. I notice the small twitches and facial expressions that seep out of a person that aren’t meant to be seen. I listen to what is being said when I talk to people. After all people reveal themselves all the time; all the time. It’s up to us to take what they tell us on board and to believe them that when they’re talking about their attitudes – they are speaking their truth. Like it or not.
I don’t believe in kidding myself in order to convince myself that something is working or someone is Kosher, when they’ve previously incriminated themselves with their own words or actions. I may be head over heals smitten with Blue, but I haven’t lost my senses. I am not sleeping. I have my ears and eyes open. But after an intense 3 months together – still, there is nada wrong with this bloke. I mean, yeah, he goes quiet instead of arguing which has lead to stand offs between us, but that is his personality. He’s him. I’m me. We’re different people who respond in different ways. We’ve talked about our stand offs and he is willing to try and work on his habit of ‘shutting down’ during disagreements and I will try to be less vocal(ish).
It all takes time. We’ve got plenty of it. I hope.
All seems to be flowing in the same and right direction, and to quote daddy and his wife who didn’t meet until later in life ‘When you find the person. You will do everything to keep each other together’. This is coming from a couple who after 16 years of marriage (Step-ma is 65. My dad is 79) who still hold hands, kiss, sleep naked together, and cuddle each other at every opportunity.
They are more affectionate with each other than many couples I’ve seen who are in their twenties who’ve only recently met.

‘You must hold each other close and have no grey areas. No room for doubts, otherwise the trust gets broken. And when that happens your relationship will be doomed.’

Thankfully for me. Blue feel the same. And me? I'll raise my glass to that!

Friday, 16 October 2009

Men, Sex and their Nerves.

My skin glistened with sweat. It was hot and I was wet. I sighed. God, it felt good. So good. As it got deeper I groaned with satisfaction and I wallowed in the glory of being enveloped by warmth and with the aid of baby oil, I slid easily into position.

And that was just my bath.

Hello there amigos!
I’m home alone having a lovely and relaxed evening before I set out for Yorkshire again tomorrow. I’ve never been there so many times in such quick succession. Tomorrow I’m staying with HD (my honorary dad) who I didn’t get a chance to see when I went to stay with daddy the other week.
I’m kinda looking forward to it, but I’m kinda not. I’m not, because I hate sleeping away from my house. Anal, huh!? I’m not sure why. I just like to be in my own environment, unless of course I am hauled up in a remote shack in a hot country (or a 5* hotel, if I must) getting screwed at every opportunity by a guy who is hung like a horse. Preferably the horse would be called Blue. Then, under thos circumstances I can deal with being away from my own bed.

I’m desperate to get away. I’d like to go somewhere with Blue so we can get some sun and I can get a sore snatch. I don’t mind a slightly sore snatch. It make me feel as though my pussy’s being used. (Take that as you will.)
Not sore from herpes or any other creepy infections, obviously, but from intimate lovin’. And lots of it.

I love sex don’t you? That thought just popped into my mind. Yep, I do love it but only if it’s good. I won't have sex for the sake of having some. No way.
By 'good' I don’t mean that I must climax (altho it's very nice) or that I must be swinging off chandeliers (i hate that shit. totally unnecessary during genuine real sex) or that the guy must put on show. My interpretation of good sex is: a connection between myself and the guy. That's it. A lack of consciousness and a natural flow and appreciation of each others bodies and delights.

A friend of mine has just recently met someone. She is having sex with this guy and she’s not feeling a connection. It’s been a few times now. She thinks it may grow to be better. I don’t believe in that, do you?
I reckon if it’s crap the first time, it’s basically doomed, but if you really like him and you go back for seconds (just to check that the first time was REALLY that bad) and it remains rubbish – then surely you’d leave it, no?
Why would you continue after two dismal attempts? I wouldn’t. Surely some times it's just not there. Something isn't right, and that's it. It's no ones fault. Individually I'm sure you're both demons in bed - but together it ain't happening.So what?
In fact, call me cold (not forgetting shallow)but I don’t think I’d even go back for seconds. I couldn't be bothered.
Unless of course the guy was very open, and humble enough to acknowledge that it hadn’t worked out, due to say, nerves or something, then I’d respect him for having the balls to say it. In that situation (which i can’t recall happening) I’d maybe let it go. But can one really ever let go of crap sex? Not really, eh? You never forget it.

I mean, what is it about nerves? Only once when I was working as a hooker did I see a guy who was so nervous he couldn’t get it up. Other guys told me they were nervous and I could see that they were but they still got an erection. Performance isn’t something I rated or thought about unless it was exceptionally brilliant. Which wasn’t usual.
Maybe nervousness preceding and during sex is different for men because it can show through their hard-on. Or lack of it which adds to pressure - but again why would a bloke feel under pressure?
Do experienced men really get that nervous? I understand that with a call girl, they may. But with a new partner? Someone they actually like and want to have sex with? Really??
Unless, I suppose they’re screwing behind their Mrs’s back, then again, I see why nerves could kick in. Not that my friends new squeeze is doing that – I hasten to add.
What says you? Do men feel nerves before having sex? This is a tricky one, eh!? Bit of a mine field ...

So, When men do get nervous around sex, what are the reasons?

If you don’t want to talk about you own experience maybe you’d feel more comfortable telling me about ‘this thing that happened to someone you know...’ Or maybe not.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

not hip, not cool, just good.

I love this:

It may not be hip, or cool - but it's good! voila!

Friday, 9 October 2009

Big up Obama!

Go Obama! Nobel Prize Winner!
Being mixed race has never had so much publicity! Yaay!

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Snorting Coke, Drinking, Football Managers and Holidays.

eee, what a day! It’s busy, busy over here, but thankfully there is still time for a giggle in this office. A former England football manager came in earlier. I like it when he comes for a meeting – he’s charming and funny and we always have a spot of banter with each other.
Before you ask – Yes, I would, and yes, he would. He makes that obvious. But the guy is married and I don’t do married men. Not now. Not for free. Not for payment either. Those days are gone, ‘cos this girl ain’t driven to snort charlie and guzzle vodka for all the hours God sends.
I’m not trying to hide from myself anymore( usually) although don't get me wrong - I’d like to get out of my head sometimes. I'd love to talk shit at people and not give a monkeys about anything, except that moment. Hell, I’d love to do that, but sadly, I don’t.
I don’t, because for some stupid reason I do not seem to have a limit when I do those things. And I honestly can’t tell you what I’ll end up doing, with whom, where, or for how long I’ll be doing it. I never used to throw up. I never gave up. The more out of it I was - the happier I was. I wanted more, more more. All the time.

If I started to use drugs again I would be a renegade space cadet, not giving a flying toss for anyone or anything. At least that's how I'd be unless I ended up dead. And I believe that’s where I’d end up this time. Either I'd get murdered due to my activities or I'd overdose. I don’t know where else I can go with it.

And that, my dear, dear friends is not a pretty sight.

Anyway, I have canceled my dinner date this evening. (A number of reasons. There always is, huh!? Is nothing simple for crying out loud!??) I’m tired. (I’m always tired) I MUST work on my book. I must, I must I must... I don’t really want to. I really can't be bothered, but I must force myself.
I’m daring myself to write 10,000 words by close of play on Sunday. Now, that, right there, is an expression I cannot stomach! 'Close of play' Urrgh! Awful isn't it!

I’ve been slacking recently, licking wounds, mooching, procrastinating, but instead of giving myself a hard time about this – I am trying to look at this last two weeks as my preparation period. (Who am I trying to kid??)
This has been the build - up before I strike. The quiet before the storm; the pregnancy before the birth... What ?? Is that even an expression?? No, I didn’t think so.

By the way: if we are friends on Facebook you will know that I am deactivating my account from this evening. Just for a time. Like with anything I involve myself in, I give a fair amount. I’ve always said that I’m passionate, and I mean it. My spirit is open, and I sprinkle some of it onto the majority of what I do. I wish I could do things by halves – to coin another hideous expression, but I wouldn’t be Clare if I was like that.

I am an all consuming mass of energy and when I decide to do something, I do it and put a big part of my soul into it, except with drugs and drink. I used to put my whole soul into that. Any man that I have cared about knows that for at least a period of time during the relationship, he is not given room to doubt my affections. I give everything.

Anything that I say (with conviction) I do. No questions. But although I am saying the words ‘I must write this book,’ if I am honest, I am still not saying it with conviction.
BUT by doing such things as deactivating the Missy Gee Facebook page which is a huge distraction, that at least enables me to believe that I am trying.At least, that's one step - the other is, I've decided to go away for Christmas. Alone. I intend to go to a hot country for two weeks, where I can get some sun and forget that it's Christmas. I always find Christmas a little depressing.
There, I will begin to sculpt UnHooked and bask in the sun. That means I HAVE to finnish writing the first lot of words of this book before I go on my holiday. I still have 50,000 odd words to go.
I'm excited that I have a clear goal now. When I set these time lines previously, when I was writing the first book I kept ahead of my schedule, so if I can do it once - I sure as hell can do it again.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

(been a bit slow, but...) I Finally Accept it's Over.

About to go into the bath. Finding it difficult working full time in an office then retrieving my day time momentum to work on UnHooked at night.
Last night I went to bed at 9.30 and slept through. Lovely. It did me a lot of good today. I felt upbeat and less drained today at work.

Perhaps I am beginning to accept the end of Blue and I, which makes things feel less depressing; you know getting my head round the fact that we're not doing a stale mate thing this time. This ain't battle of wills. It's over, it seems and that's it. Over.
Also the fact that I have got through to Dee about wanting space makes me feel more free. I end up feeling so responsible for people’s feelings when I care about them and I hate the idea of hurting them - so often I will go along with something (at least to a degree) so not to upset that person.
It’s nuts...
I told you the other day that the silver haired Sexpert is back from The Big Apple... Well he text me today and we’re meeting for dinner tomorrow after I’ve finished work. Not for whoopie. No, just for food and a chin wag.
I haven't seen him for absolutely ages.
I’m looking forward to seeing him. He’s sexy, talented and interesting. It’s the first time we’re meeting since he knowing the full story about me. He didn't before during the time we were seeing each other last year.
Naturally I kept a lot from him. He knew about the drugs and drink but not the escorting and other bits and pieces and this only served =to make me feel that I was with holding a huge part of who I am/ who i was.

I was thinking earlier - you know something? I am pretty open here don't you think? I will continue to be so. I think I pretty much lay many of my feelings on the line for y'all so it's not a surprise to hear that I’ve missed Blue massively... You all know that.
I don’t know if he reads these posts or not... but I feel that I’ve already given enough to him over the past few days, with no response from him.
He hasn’t come back for me, so what am I to do? Keep dropping hints, here, in a bid for him to come and claim me as his woman? I wish he would but he hasn't.

You know how it feels when you break up with someone that you care about and you wonder if they are thinking about you?
Invariably you think that the other person is getting on with their life and not giving you a second thought, right?

And then you find out that the other person has been missing you too, and how good does that make you feel? Very good, huh?!
Well, if Blue has read these posts he has not given me anything back. That only means one thing.
He really, really doesn’t want us to be together any longer. I'm sure you knew that all along and if you did - I don't want to hear it, thank you. There's no playing this time. This isn't a check mate 'who's gonna contact who first' game like that's come before. Somehow stating all this makes it possible for me to jump the final hurdle. I can't give any more to this. If he's been reading this blog he knows I want him still, and he's done nothing about it, so I will draw a line under our thing once and for all and kiss it good bye.

This isn't an excuse for me so I can ride Le Sexperts big dick tomorrow. I don't need an excuse. I'm single.
But it is an open realisation and understanding that it is time for me to lay Blue and our brief affair to rest.
(unless of course I hear from him in the next few hours) hahaaa! Jesus! Where do I get off!

fuck it. It's over.

Arrivadetichi Senori

Monday, 5 October 2009

private devastation.

Oh dear – once again I’ve had to tell Dee that we will not be. God, it’s so fucking awkward saying this to him. He’s such a cutie, but I don't think for a second that we can be together. I don't want to try. We already did. For nearly a year.

Dee is a lovely, lovely person and really funny. But it’s exactly his constant humour that I can’t cope with , even on a friendship level at the moment. I’m feeling waay too subdued right now to deal with that. After we exchanged those three emails last week, he’s since got back into the habit of calling and texting me as though we’re together in a relationship. We’re not.
He’s sensed my distance and has finally questioned me about it. I’ve had to go through the same cringey, then defensive conversation that I’ve been through with him countless times.

I need to be alone to focus on my book, although alone is not where I want to be.
I have been sad for days.
Sad, sad, sad, sad. I miss Blue.
I miss him so much. I’ll probably regret writing this post and I’ll probably take it down later in the day. I am aching with longing.

Even my parents were sad for me. They’ve never heard me express so liberally to them about how a man made me feel. Aww, my dad was very sweet and my step-mum said that Blue and I have made an error by leaving behind what we had.

“Are you sure he was genuine, Clare?” Daddy asked.

“ I was, yes. I am... I think so. I don’t know, daddy. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I feel so sorry that we’re not together”.

But I was a brave girl and didn’t cry. As for if I was genuine about my feelings. Well yes – I was. I am. The proof is here. My feelings now.
I found myself staring last night; in silence in the flat, staring. Not crying. My head wasn’t aflood with thoughts. There was just me and a very still, private devastation.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

for the love of daddy.

This is representative of my dad's personality...

In his honour... because I love him.

My weekend with Dad.

I had a really lovely weekend with my dad and step-mum.
You know something? I’ve changed. Or should I say that I am in the process of changing, and step-ma and daddy recognised that, but it was my step-mum who articulated it. I am/have grown up apparently – but I, myself haven’t caught up with myself yet!? Make sense?

What she was trying to say is: What my own expectations are for myself are still stuck on a level that they were years ago. I don’t realise (step-ma says) how I’ve developed and how much I have/and am growing.

I need to do and not do certain things that will help me get to where I want to be, said the Oracle. That goes for everyone though, eh! I think it's called living...
I don’t want to be specific about what she said she thinks I need to do and not do - It may come across wrong.
She was great. They both were. I felt part of something. Not so isolated.
It was all pretty relaxed. They really tried to make me feel comfortable, and I did. It’s a world away from how things were between us at one time, and I recognise that today, they try to make up for their past hostilities. We all do.

Anyway, I’ve decided that I want to go up to Yorkshire and stay with them a bit more frequently, in a bid to get to know them better. During my wilderness years I had a warped perception of stuff. You know, little things like life. And now I experience their true personalities, without walls surrounding them or me.
My father is an interesting man. He’s eccentric. His character is a mass of contradictions, like me. I find that a little scary in a way; from meek and very gentle, to spiky and sarcastic. I hate sarcasm. It’s not a major personality trait of mine – but the acuteness of his personality contrasts must be something that I have inherited.

Anyway, they made a ton of food and drank that 30quid wine which I took them. I could see that they felt sexy drinking it, bless them.
We talked about everything. They told me that they are not going away for winter. This is Shocking!! They've been away for 5 months a year since they've been together which is about 14 years.
Their announcement instantly made me worry. Was my dad ill? Was something wrong? Nope, my step-mum has a heart problem earlier this year and they’ve been advised that it wasn’t a good idea for her to go away for such a long time... what?? Hmm.... Anyway, so this means 3 things.
1. I have been invited to a party for my dad’s 80th birthday, next month! Yaaaay!!! Im really HAPPY to be with him on his 80th birthday!
2. I can now send them away for a romantic weekend for his birthday prezzie.
3. They will be in England for Christmas.

We’ll cross the Christmas bridge when we come to it. I already have an idea of what will happen there...

So to finish off a gorgeous weekend – I’ve had my hair done. God, I can’t leave my hair alone at the moment! Something needed to be done to it. I love it right now... it’s edgy and sexy.

Got lots more to tell... Nah, no nookie, sorry. Not yet. Just bits and pieces which I will spill tomorrow. eg. I've been in acute pain today, my dad and step ma's response to the content of my book ... oh, and the silver-haired Sexpert text me. He's back from New York, New York...

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Searching for Happiness?

If you want to be Happy...

Friday, 2 October 2009

I wanna rock wichoo!

If it's cool we can do a little sumthin'sumthin'...

Off the Wagon

Hello, hello...How goes it? I’m feeling rather good today. I have been lazy as a Toad as far as the book goes... (are Toads lazy?) OK, I’ve been as lazy as a Sloth.

OK, OK, just ‘cos Sloths are slow does not make them lazy, right?

So, regardless of which animal my current idleness is representative of, the point is amigos, I’m feeling like doing very little except getting the hell out of this office and getting some Jamaiiiican.
Food. Jamaican food, thank you!

After work today,in fact in around 30 minutes I’m going out for a couple of hours to eat, chat and catch up with a friend. This person was abstinent from alcohol and drugs and has again started drinking.
Someone else who is close to me has recently done this too, declaring themselves officially ‘off the wagon’...

What can ya do??

I will write a whole post about this another time. It’s a pretty big deal...

So, yesterday I lost some writing that I did on the book and it’s this that has disturbed my flow. I was utterly pissed off.
Not in a growling manner – just in a tense ‘Where the fuck is it??’ kinda feeling...
And last night when L came over to my place for pizza and gossip I didn’t get chance to write anything. So today I’ve faffed around feeling pulses of horniness and not concentrating on writing.

I’m not giving myself a hard time about feeling like doing bugger all. Well, not really...

 Tomorrow I’m seeing my father. I’m nervous to be truthful. Not totally sure why. I’m just all too aware that things that change very quickly with them. And I refuse to get into any type of commotion with an elderly gentleman and his wife. I won’t do it. Even if I had to go and stay in a hotel instead of their house, then I would do that before squabbling with them.

 I’m certain that Blue was up to mischief, probably with another woman during the couple of weeks before we broke up. That, or from when we met he never really wanted me but decided to go with it because I’m a fucking catch – and he knew it, once we’d spent a bit of time together. I’m certain that he feels nothing for me and that hurts. In fact, I feel let down by him; discarded and quite honestly, I feel used. And that feeling makes me defensive and angry toward him and the memory of what we were supposed to have shared.
I have not talked with my friends about it even though they’ve asked, because I cannot bring myself to.
At least not in the foreseeable future. That’s not out of anger – it’s from feeling hurt and questioning if I was an idiot.

And you know what makes me shudder... I can't stop imgining Blue if he read this thinking: Well whatever you have to do to get over this, is alright. Be angry with me if you need to be.Tosser. That's the name of anyone who says something so patronising to someone in this situation... but they think they're being liberal and preaching some fucking spiritual baloney! Pah!
I've had it said to me - and the guy was a Prat. I had eveidence of that with the last guy that said this to me...

With Blue the jury is still out - and I'm looking forward to a day when it just no longer matters either way to me.


If you don't already love Jill Scott - then I'm gonna keep on trying until you do..!

Listen to this ... it's about a Hooker: