Monday, 19 October 2009

love-you -longtime.

I’ve had a banging head ache literally all day long. I often get an ache in my head, but today’s been a blinder. Actual pain; my eyes irritated by light and every minute at work spent wishing I was at home.
It’s pointless me writing a blog this evening – all I can think of is my aching head. I’ve just eaten and taken some more tablets and in a minute I’m going to lie on the sofa and stare at the TV for an hour (if I manage that) before clambering into my nest.

I saw Blue yesterday. He met me from the train station after I’d been to stay Yorkshire on Saturday night. We went to an Italian restaurant for a late lunch then pottered into town so he could get some clothes. He hates shopping. He’s rubbish at it. Really, really indecisive. I’m far more bold. If I like it I buy it. Don’t think that’s cos I have money to burn. It’s simply because I rarely go shopping. I hate traipsing round shops inanely; especially with no direction. That would do me in. I love clothes and all that jazz, but I am no fashionista, but like anyone it’s important for me to look nice. I understand style and I like to keep mine simple; understated. Blue is no slave to fashion so when he started umming and arring I took control.
‘This, this, this and that. Buy it. It looks good.’
‘ But... ‘
‘But what? You look good in it. Get it.’

Done deal.
He’s really pleased with his purchases. Good, cos the guy looks hot!

We came back to mine pretty late and had four love-you-longtime sessions. The first was a lingering couple of hours(ish) of playing; enjoying each other, slowly, passionately,chatting, sucking, just being naked. Massage, kisses, licking, tasting. This wasn’t a fuckathon for two hours.It was a naked frolic and exploration and appreciation of each other. God, I’m into him. We’re into each other.
This type of desire and passion really doesn’t come along often at all. I have experienced similar once before , when I was 24. But then I didn’t know myself as well as I do now, which makes this with Blue even more unique. And I didn’t communicate as well with that guy, Alex, as Blue and I do. The way the two of us talk is rare. I can be myself and he understands me; my inquisitiveness about everything, things, people, stuff. We understand each other on a level that words are not needed all the time. We're in synch. I wonder if a part of this is helped by the fact that we’ve both suffered emotionally and had past issues with chemical dependency.
Blue totally reciprocates my lust for life, people and learning.

I feel lucky, I do. I have to say it. I’m not gloating, I am simply expressing my appreciation of what we are sharing.
I know it’s early days but I can say this much: there is nothing between us that I have heard or observed from him that is pointing me to ‘No-go’ Lane. Nothing. And believe me I miss very, very little. I notice the small twitches and facial expressions that seep out of a person that aren’t meant to be seen. I listen to what is being said when I talk to people. After all people reveal themselves all the time; all the time. It’s up to us to take what they tell us on board and to believe them that when they’re talking about their attitudes – they are speaking their truth. Like it or not.
I don’t believe in kidding myself in order to convince myself that something is working or someone is Kosher, when they’ve previously incriminated themselves with their own words or actions. I may be head over heals smitten with Blue, but I haven’t lost my senses. I am not sleeping. I have my ears and eyes open. But after an intense 3 months together – still, there is nada wrong with this bloke. I mean, yeah, he goes quiet instead of arguing which has lead to stand offs between us, but that is his personality. He’s him. I’m me. We’re different people who respond in different ways. We’ve talked about our stand offs and he is willing to try and work on his habit of ‘shutting down’ during disagreements and I will try to be less vocal(ish).
It all takes time. We’ve got plenty of it. I hope.
All seems to be flowing in the same and right direction, and to quote daddy and his wife who didn’t meet until later in life ‘When you find the person. You will do everything to keep each other together’. This is coming from a couple who after 16 years of marriage (Step-ma is 65. My dad is 79) who still hold hands, kiss, sleep naked together, and cuddle each other at every opportunity.
They are more affectionate with each other than many couples I’ve seen who are in their twenties who’ve only recently met.

‘You must hold each other close and have no grey areas. No room for doubts, otherwise the trust gets broken. And when that happens your relationship will be doomed.’

Thankfully for me. Blue feel the same. And me? I'll raise my glass to that!