Monday, 26 July 2010

You Ask & I'll tell you ... ( but don't test me)

" So what is your book about?" I got asked today.
" It's about a woman - Me, running around all over the place like a head less chicken, while choosing to ignore everyone around me as I did it. Other than that it's about getting fucked up on cocaine, vodka and having sex with men I didn't usually like and desperately trying to convince myself that I was having a good time. Err, so does that answer your question?"

" Errrrrr......." * Cue embarrassed laughter* So I started laughing to try and ease the guy's tension.

" It's OK to laugh about it you know. It all got so ridiculous, the whole thing - I mean, my life turned into a farce. I just lived day to day and tried to ignore tomorrow... I was chasing a good time but making myself miserable.... Why the sad face?" I asked him.

" You sound like you're describing me."

" Look, I may be describing you and hundreds of thousands of other people if what you do makes you deeply miserable, and pretending to be someone else gets too much to bear... So, would you like a coffee?"

" Yes please. With 2 sugars".

And that was that. He asked. And I told him.

I've spoken to Blue - my ex-boyfriend. I know, I know.... I care about him , what can I say? Anyway...... It's the first time since we broke up in March.
During our chat amongst other things he asked me if I'd slept with Montana. And I told him that I had. I had to. I'd lied before and I had to come clean. Get it off my chest.

"Were you seeing him? "
"Was it a fling?"
"Are you seeing him now?"
" No"
I feel so much better for coming out with the truth. I mean, I'd done nothing behind his back. Not a thing. I came clean about exactly when it occurred and he was OK with it. He didn't want to hear it but he asked and I told him. It was the right thing to do. What could he say? We were not together and hadn't been for some weeks when it happened.
The thing is - Blue already knew, and I had to give him the respect he deserves by admitting to it when he asked me the other day on the phone. He'd asked me if I'd been with Montana after we got back together the last time. And that's when I lied. Ouch. I didn't have the guts to admit it despite the fact that we hadn't been together. But lying made me feel awful - and I knew at the time that guilt was etched onto my face; so this time was time to deal with it.

So - - where to now? 'The cream on top'..... hmmm.... the yummy cream on top of the icing which feels a little as though its purity of flavour is getting a smidgen over loaded with other things.
I'm sensitive like that. I wish I wasn't.

I've just been busy writing some stuff for a meeting I have tomorrow at the Groucho. Yes, my dhalrings, that'll be me trotting in there tomorrow acting like I belong, going to meet some film folk to continue the discussions about le book.

BUT I never count my chicks..... although, I do always try my hardest to remain quietly confident and even more hopeful.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Getting the Cream.

Well, I'm feeling on top form.
Who is? Me.
Remember me? I used to write a blog here ... before suddenly falling off the face of the planet over the past few days... sorry amigos. Been busy with a boy, and writing literary masterpieces.
OK, so the first part of my previous statement is correct and the first part of the second half of it is also true, but the 'masterpieces' bit, isn't exactly accurate. But a girl's trying over here. That's all I can do and I'm very happy with my progress and current state of mind. Not just with the book, but with all things.
I'm now enjoying working on book 2. I'm friends with it again. We're enjoying each other's company; the book and me. Long may it last. Not that you care - I suspect you just want to hear about me getting it 'with cream on top'...

Right... hmmm.... OK, i feel I must be very careful about what I write about it. For a number of reasons.
I'll keep it as concise and non-committal as possible, but with enough fact so you get the general jist of what went on...

I met a guy that I've liked for a while. My flat, as you know is always a tip - so he booked us into a hotel.
I went to a very sexy hotel, crapping myself with nerves and literary shaking. He was there already. We kissed, we held each other close, we chatted. He's sweet. He was how I imagined. I'd had enough contact with him to get a feel for how he was and I wasn't wrong. We stayed together for a 24 hour lock-in where copious amounts of saucy, extended, luscious snuggles and kisses were exchanged. We giggled loads. Ate a little, slept too little and 'merged' lots. Delicious.

That's it.
I'm saying no more.
It was fun.
I've got a grip on it. I'm not losing my mind. I feel more relaxed than I did leading up to the event. You know how overly intense something can be at times when you have so much expectation and the build up turns you into a wreck? Well, now I feel calmer and I will be more able to handle whatever does or doesn't come. It's all OK... I like him and I'm sure we'll see each other again.

So, other gossip - I've heard from Blue. Nuff said.

Life's funny, innit. Yeah, it's bloody hilarious Clare!

Tra-la-la-la-laaa .....

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Radio York, 9AM - 15.07.2010

I am on BBC Radio York tomorrow morning (16th July) at 9AM, talking about prostitution and drug addiction, for a change!

Intuition - virtue or foe?

So – the problem with my intuition is: I believe that what I ‘sense,’ what I feel, is always right. OK, I’m not too sure from where I’ve got this idea that my intuition is always right. Perhaps it is from past experiences? Perhaps as a result of leaving home and fending for myself from my teenage years I have developed my intuition as a necessary survival tool? Who knows? And do you care? No, I don’t suppose you do. I don’t think I really care about where it stems from either.
I’ll still think I’m an intuitive master, regardless.

Usually, in fact basically always, I believe that what I am sensing in another person is their true feelings. Arrogant? Nope. I'm Just intuitive. But I am sometimes wrong, it seems. And when I realise this, I am always very surprised.

You see, the problem lies with these other people. It’s always other people, innit! Pah!
Well, a lot of the time I reckon people are not wholly honest about how they are feeling and often they attempt to cover their true feelings using words. Not maliciously necessarily, just socialisation. Habits we pick up. I’m very sure I do this myself at times.
The issue I have with this, is this: In spite of how hard one may try to obscure real REAL thoughts and feelings it it virtually impossible. It oooozes out of them without necessarily realising it.

“People reveal themselves all the time, Clare, but often we try to ignore what we don’t want to see.”
True, very true. Guilty Y'honour.

Reality has a way of making its presence known bit by bit by bit by bit ... and it’s my responsibility to listen to what I’m being told, or not told; and crucially what I am not being told often tells me more, than I am willing to aknowledge.
Often, when dealing with men in particular if I sense something is amiss, I don’t know about you, but often, I find that when I ask what the problem is – I get told, ‘Nothing’.
Errr, ‘Nothing’? So, all's good then?
The guy is sounding as though he's making excuses for stuff when I’m asking him a simple question. He appears distracted and sad - and all this is for no reason whatsoever?
Well, let me just inform you that when I ask you if there is something up, I'm not asking for drama - I'm just trying to encourage you to talk openly with me about what's going in in your head, heart, life...

I am actually asking you what it is that is making you sound sad and detached? And listen, If you’ve had sex with someone that you feel you shouldn't have or maybe you've verbally abused an old granny in Tescos, it doesn't make your non-comittal answer to "is anything bothering you?" any easier to hear.
Just tell me what's going on with you, it's so much easier.
At least this way – you can help me understand better if my intuition really is finely tuned – or if I am simply a deluded know-it-all.

Monday, 12 July 2010

"You were very naughty, Clare" (err, you don't actually know me)

" You're been a very naughty girl, haven't you Clare ?" was the greeting I got just now when I picked up the phone to a client of my boss.

" Yes, I have - who's that?"

A well known sporting hero has read my book. Was I embarrassed? No - he chose to search it out; that's not my concern. My boss mentioned it to him and was teasing me about it - so the guy got a copy. Every sale counts!

" I'd love to know what's real and what's not. I don't suppose you'd ever tell me though would you?"

" No, I wouldn't." I laughed.

" I can't put you and the main character in the book together..."

" Well, I'm the author - she's a character."

" So, you're not going to tell anything about what is fictitious or not?" he continued.

" No, no, I'm not". I said very seriously.

I think i've said quite enough to be going on with in Hooked. I've written about emotions which can be attached to many events, and the exact details of the said events which are portrayed in the book are not important.

If you asked me out right is such and such true - I may tell you. I may not. It depends.
It depends on my mood. It depends on if I trust you. And if I trust you - then you're likely to know it all already anyway, 'cos we probably saw each other last week or something, cos we're already established friends. After my past, I can give the impression of trusting someone. I can give information, course I can - but facts do not a person make.
What is not said often gives more information that what is said, no? I agree with this - but what is my business is mine, and only a few people can get close to that. It's a minefield, I know, but the idea of being asked outright I find distasteful. Call me old fashioned. If I answer your questions about my past it may depend on if I like you. If I think you've been too blunt or crude in your wording I wont tell you a thing. A lot would depend on if I think you are over stepping my personal space line and being too forward. And if you're doing that, then why? Surely you're aware of it? Surely you're aware that you're being too forward? Although I am open - I certainly have walls. Best policy? Ask nothing and just let me talk...

Now, if your name is Viking .... Well, you're invited to ask me whatever the heck you want Sweetheart, and I'll tell ya the answer... But please be sure to ask me questions that you actually really want or feel you need to know the answers to. I don't want you putting yourself off me, now!
So why can Viking ask direct questions, and I'll give him and asnwer?
Err, because I want him to know me.
And even he's too gracious and respectful to attempt to extract salacious detail. I don't think he's too concerned about that stuff. Th guy's smart, anyway.
He doesn't need to know what colour knickers I was wearing on March 14th 2001 to know that it's more than likely I was feeling disgust at my life and I vehemently hated myself.

Now, he may want to know what colour knickers I'm wearing today - but that's a different thing all together. ..

There are so very few people that really, really know me, and who even witness never mind understand the vast contradictions in my personality - therefore I am hardly going to let someone have any more than I've already said in the book.
I've written a book - I've created a story. As I've said all along the events are not all real, but the majority of the emotions are.

Please don't believe you know who I am because you have read about Katie. I change like the wind. I have thoughts that fluctuate depending on so much.
Like so many people, I am not a fixed point. I am fluid, expandable, flighty at times.
The only things that don't change are my loyalties, my integrity, my core values and my love of ice-cream. Which incidentally seems to be diminishing...

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Lacking Focus.

What a gorgeous day today was! I've laughed my head of for the majority of it.
I saw L, went to her house and we both lay in the garden in our bikinis, gossiping, and rubbing sun cream into each other ...( think of that in slow motion.)
So .... what's going on with me? Hmmm.... well, I'm sitting here grinning as I'm writing this. I feel good, I suppose, nothing major going on... Just one thing ... I say ' just' one thing and this one thing is a biggie for me right now.
I've been totally avoiding working more on my second book. My lack of writing is turning into a major concern for me. My energy for it just isn't there right now. The foundations of the second book are laid. It's there, but it needs so much work it's actually ridiculous.
I must try and fall in love with this book. That way I shall WANT to continue working on it. I've kinda sent it to Coventry at the moment... It's like an annoying neighbor who cannot be ignored, but one must be polite towards; when actually I really need to feel that the second book is similar to a kitten that I must attend to daily. An adorable kitten who needs cuddles and nurturing throughout the day.

I firmly believe that what you cast out in this world - the energy you project is the energy you get back. If I'm searching for methods, (faffing around on facebook etc) to kill time and avoid dealing with my most essential projects, then what the hell? I will get precisely no where. Before I know it weeks will have go by, the summer will be over, and I won't have completed the goals I set out for myself. And then my self esteem would drop, I'd worry, I'd fret and I'd probably begin to get depressed. And that way, a cycle begins.

It's such a bore immersing myself in writing, at times. Well, that's how I feel about it at the moment. When I go into the right zone that I need to, to write, it's a pretty lonely place to be. The solitude of writing suits a part of my temperament which is insular and obsessive - but allowing myself to go into that place in my mind is a little scary.
I end up experiencing the feelings and situations that I write about, and when it's 'Arrgh!' which the second book is - that makes it difficult to take the plunge and immerse myself in it. But do it I must - I must, I must...

I've been thinking of you..

love this..

Friday, 9 July 2010

" Wake up to reality Clare, for fuck's sake!" Arrgh!

I'm getting really hacked off. This thing with Viking is utterly pointless. I actually don't care right now how I come across in his mind when he reads this. I may sound spoilt, childish, self-piteous, impatient. He can think what he likes.
I'm not actually getting anything tangible from this experience, except frustration, and what is the point of that!? I'm not a fetishist who thrives off 'orgasm deprivation' or any of that stuff, so WTF?

I'm frustrated, and I'm getting really fed up of this thing. And do you know how Viking is rewarding my loyalty towards him? By doing nothing. Ziltch. Nada. Well, at least not to bring this into the real world, which is where i like to live.

If I had been married for years and didn't have the guts to leave a stale relationship - then yeah, a little bit of fantasy fodder may well be very enticing - but this isn't my situation and I understand it isn't his either. If I was married and felt apathy to my situation ( can you imagine me accepting feeling apathy to anything, like this, really??) then I do understand that a bit of distant flirting may brighten up my life. This of course would only if I wasn't getting the attention and affection I craved, from my partner. Me, being me, questions why someone would stay in that situation in the first place - but reasons are wide and varied - children and fear being top of the list, no doubt.

Look at me! I don't need this. This is just stupid. What the hell am I playing at? Oh god. It's completely barmy for me to feel 'involved' with someone who ... dare I even say this ... wait for it - whom I've never even met! fuck's sake! what the hell? it's stupid.
Now if I was into him cos we'd actually hooked up - that's one thing.... But as a friend said last night - I'm clearly doing this to fill a gap or to avoid something in my life, right now... I don't care if I'm sounding harsh. So what? Viking is doing the same.

I feel embarrassed by that and it's clear that this will remain fantasy - which i guess is fine if the infatuation is in moderation. But, my loves, you know me .... moderation is not a huge feature in my life.

I'm over this. It's bollocks. If I'd seen him already, then fine, but I haven't. I mean, how could he not have made the move for us to meet up already? talk, talk, talk does nothing for me.
I'm not carrying on with this how it is. It's just silly. It's got out of hand and I'm drawing a line from now.

Moody, not moody, who cares? fuck it. Back to reality for me. And what the hell is wrong with my reality that is making me behave in this manner to someone I haven't fuking met. I ask you?
My life is cute. I can do what I like. I'm single. I'm happy. I've got great boobs and a sweet ass, I'm bright and clearly very modest. If I want some hot guy to lust after me - then I can do that with someone who is accessible. Someone who will actually want to spend time with me and not keep me in some wank bank for when their Mrs has 'got a head ache.' Yet again.

Sunday, 4 July 2010

I have a Crush.

I have a crush. A silly, pointless, childish crush. Now, in my opinion a crush is absolutely wonderful if:
A) you are attached or the person you lust after is attached, and it remains purely in your mind.
B) it is distant and causes no stress or obsession in ones mind.
c) if you're both single and there is a possibility that something more could happen.

My crush lands in none of the above categories. I told you it's a silly, pointless, childish crush.
Now, my post from yesterday may be more clear to you.
My usual MO is:
I find someone I find irresistibly attractive. I don't do mediocre; burning desire or nada. I usually know beforehand that the guy I fancy is single and I let them know that I'm interested. HE then must make the first move, (I'm an old fashioned girl, OK!) and unless I've made a quick assessment that a potential liaison will only be about nookie - (in this situation I don't mind instigating the next step) then something begins.

In this instance. My current target - ( 'target'! that's funny!) is in a relationship. Damn him!
He told me this very early on yet I have indulged myself in numerous email exchanges with him. Why? I don't know. Damn me!
I'm behaving as though I am desperate and can't find a single man. I'll have you know, my friends that I could actually find a single man right now, thank you! I know numerous, but I am not interested in any men that I already know. Not even S. I can't be arsed with that situation. I've made my mind up. We're friends and that's it. If you read this S - sorry sweetheart.

If I was attracted to any of the single men I know right now - I'd be with one of them.

I haven't kissed the guy I'm talking about here. For ease, I shall call him Viking. Nothing tangible has happened between us. Oh, and I won't be telling you anything about him whatsoever, sorry loves. Nothing. It's not fair/correct and he's very, very private, understandably. I am just letting you know that I seem to have lost my mind over a totally unobtainable man.

I told Viking I was feeling stressed about my feelings towards this situation and towards him. Yep - I have FEELINGS. How lame is that!? It's gone beyond me simply thinking that he's hot - I am now feeling something - and that something is lust. And lots of it. I am human: fallible and lustful. Altho it's lovely to feel this, it's annoying that Viking is taken and I can't do anything with him. Well, I could and if I'm to be really honest - I really, really want to. But I won't push this. It wouldn't be fair. In fact, it would be wrong. Wouldn't it? Yes, Clare it would. Hmmm...

Women are such vital, vibrant creatures who carry much power - and honestly, sometimes I feel sorry for men, cos sometimes if a man wants to do something or not - sometimes you've just gotta give in to us, right..?
Ladies, you know when you have your mind is set on something or someone and you insist that you WILL get what you want? You become single minded. And let's face it when that focus kicks in, the guy doesn't stand a chance of resisting. Poor bugger. But I believe that a woman must pick and choose very carefully on whom to impose her 'female-ness'.

I stomped my feet yesterday and told Viking that we can't have any more contact. He was disappointed as I was and he asked me what will make me happy. I know what will make me happy ... What makes anyone happy when they want something or someone that they cannot get?

a) freedom from the situation.
b) getting what they want.
Nuff said.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Whatever ...

You pulled some tricks out your sleeve last night
Everything I fantasize about
You had me climbing up a wall
How many ways was God called
You represented in the fashion of the truly gifted
You put it down last night
Knocked me out then had me dreaming bout waking up, alright
Do you want some money baby?
How about some chicken wings?
Do you want some fish and grits?
I'll hurry and go get it
We made a groove last night
A poignant rocking forth and back alright
Anything I can do for you?
Just ask sometimes you wont have to
I'll be happy just to make you happy
And that's true
We made powerful
Love last night
Never knew passion could taste so sweet alright
I made a vow to you
Everything I do for you is a joy and a gift
You got my whole life lifted

for you..

Thursday, 1 July 2010

blah, blah, blah ...

I'm such a twit sometimes. Last night I dyed my hair, remember? Yep, I went to Boots and bought two Mocha (dark brown to you and me) hair dyes. So I decided one would be enough for the first round of dying. See how it took. I did wonder why my hair didn't look much darker - but thought little of it. Last night, on here, when I said that it didn't look the colour I thought it was going to be, I just presumed I needed a super strength application. A double whammy ( hence my buying two packets of dye). Today I discovered I actually bought ONE Mocha colour dye and the other, the one I used on my hair was copper. No wonder it didn't look brown! Copper on ginger. It just gets better and better...
How I cope alone is anyone's guess. Ex-boyfriends would vouch for me on this. And my girlfriends. Altho they would be reluctant to say anything that may sound derogatory towards me.

The funny thing is - people always comment that I appear 'together' and 'calm'. I get 'calm' comments a lot. It's hilarious! I couldn't guess how I get away with it.
Oh well... I guess it's better than appearing to be not dis-similar to a headless chicken; in spite of how I feel sometimes.

OK, my loves I've decided that I must sort myself out, over here. My life feels, err, 'bitty'... I've been riding a wave of nothingingness over the last week or so and it's gotta stop.
This weekend I'm on lock down. No Facebook, No sex - ( nothing new there) and No anything other than work. My second book will not write itself, I've discovered. Forgive me for stating the obvious.
I've kinda been floating around avoiding it. Instead, I've been dreaming of holidays and ice-cream, involving myself in fantasies with men who have girlfriends - i.e. S.
It's bloody stupid really. What the fuck?
S. called me today, upset, confused and..... Well, he asked me not to mention exactly how he was feeling, so I won't go on.

I've also been dreaming of a book-writing career which will be ground to a halt if I don't get my act together. I can be very disciplined if I want to be. But sadly, I can not do a bit of this, then a bit of that... it's all full throttle or nothing.
So, my friends I shall cut myself off from all polite society over this coming weekend and get going. Hard, focused, intense slog.

Shit! I've just thought: I'm supposed to be going on a picnic on Saturday. Poo! Not to worry i shall deal with that at the last minute, as with most things I do. Crunch time, seems to be My time. It's where I reside from one day to the next.
Oh well, things change but not all things at once, eh!?