Friday, 31 July 2009

Eating my words never gave me Indigestion : Winston Churchill, Missy Gee c.2009

I always think that the sign of a good writer is the ability to be able to express something succinctly. I prefer a message delivered clearly with minimal words. So, with regards Blue and I what can I say..? Would you get my mood if I was to say:


Would you understand me?

Would you know that there is something not right?

It’s unimportant who, what, where, when... The point is, in the same way as I could feel how magnetic and wildly exhilarating it has been for the past two weeks – I can also feel how fragile it is now.

I don’t think it is broken. I think it’s fragile. Besides something that is broken can be fixed, I appreciate that. Although , let’s face it, once something is broken, however much glue you apply to it - it’s never the same again. Anyway, Blue and I are not there yet... (if indeed we continue at all.)
The only glue that Blue and I can cook up in these very early days, is sex I suppose. Well, we can talk, also.

Will we bother? I don’t know.

Do I care? Yep, very much.

Why? Cos I like him. He’s a good person and I enjoy his chat,sex, and kisses, intuition, intelligence, charisma...he looked up a word in a dictionary the other day. A man that would do that wins my heart.

So, what is the problem? Well, we’re in different places in our lives.

Can’t I over come that? OK, this is about both me and Blue and I can only speak for myself here.
Look, I have lived for many years in a dark, lonely and sinister place. I was emotionally fucked. In turmoil and very, very lonely, trapped in myself and by myself in a pit. When I looked up from the pit I could sometimes see light, but clawing up a very slippery mud wall was not something I thought possible. Then – something happened. It’s hard to describe what. Of course being screwed in the head helped me to get to the point of wanting to change, but the odd screw loose was not enough to make me change. I’d lived with the darkness for years before I decided to move away from it.
What happened I guess was that I turned a corner where I wanted to clamber up to the light more than I wanted anything, literally anything else, ever in life. I wanted to be able to see the light permanently. I wanted to be able to breath clearly. It’s very hard for me to explain the change that happened inside me to give me the strength to dig my hands deep into the mud and start the slow climb upwards.

So – back to the original question - Can I overlook the fact that Blue and I are in different places in life?
I suppose the simple answer is yes, because if I want something enough I, you, him, her, will make it happen. There is nothing in this life that cannot be overcome in some form. Perception is everything. My perception could alter, yes.

In my option the very first step to changing anything is admitting that a change is needed. That’s where I’m struggling. Why should I change my opinions on Blue and I being in different places? Do I want to be with him enough to make things work?
I think so.

I need to really want to first, right? I think I do really want ... It would involve a massive amount of trust which I'm not great at. Anyway, I don't know what he thinks... I think he's getting over it though.

OK – so since this involves two people there needs to be some very real desire for both parties to make what they have between them work.
This is where I faulter. Not in my desire, but in my belief that it can.

The thing is, although I clambered out of my pit I still have smidgens of mud that have clung onto me. I work on eradicating it then I find more.
I am eternally convinced that I do not know how to be in a relationship. I do not know how to deal with another person intimately. No, that’s not wholey right – I do know how to be intimate (and i don’t mean sex) but what I struggle with, and I struggle badly with, is, that place when even for a moment everything is not a blissful, glorious delight. When there is a twitchy moment I want to run to the hills. I am consistently convinced that something is my fault. The person will leave me, hurt me, take advantage of my insecurities. Try to take advantage my softness when I show them my vulnerability and leave me feeling worthless.
Or worse still, my paranoid head telling me that the guy in question is trying to take advantage when he actually isn't.

Now, I hear you... I hear you. Life isn’t a constant sunshining day in a green field full of daffodils.
I know. I know. That’s why maybe I am not fit to ever be with someone.
You see, some of that mud seems to have seeped into my bones unfortunately.

And what I do about dealing with that is anyone’s guess...

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Boy Blue

There is something about Blue. People call it so many things - chemistry (which is a description that I am not wholey comfortable with. Using it feel contrived to me.) His breath magnetises me; his scent, something that has ruffled my feathers. You don’t come across this too many times, do ya? I’ve gone through the motions with many a guy and I’ve been able to look at the bloke I’m with and think Phwwaaoorrr, but they haven’t necessarily touched me on this, shall we say instinctive level.

I reckon even if I was blind folded I’d still be drawn to Blue. Ok – if a line of guys walked past a blindfolded me and breathed into my face that wouldn’t be a great turn on it has to be said. But imagine I had been given, let’s say, a worn t-short of Mr Blue’s - then I’m convinced that I’d detect that it was his.
You know something...? Actually it doesn’t matter. The fact that I think that is enough. The facts are that we are very drawn to each other. That’s enough. That says it all.

OK, off for a ‘special snuggle’ with Boy Blue.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Question Time

NOTE to Blue : * I am not saying any of the stuff below because I am trying to leave 'us.' I am not. Although I'm feeling that you're wanting to back track. I sense these things. *

OK – a couple of my friends want to know what’s happening in my life. I haven’t yet mentioned Blue to them but they can smell that something is going on and they want to know.
Why haven’t I mentioned Blue to them, yet? Indeed, why haven’t I?

Well, I haven’t had a face to face conversation with any of them about the two of us yet. I will do though. Later this week, it’s going to happen.
OK, I have to be honest – although this is bizarre for me since I know he reads this blog. You see, how honest can I be when the guy I am sleeping with can read my thoughts. It’s a tricky, one right?

Here goes... Blue is everything I want. My friends will meet him and adore him. They will think we are well matched and they will genuinely be pleased for me... Just one thing and it’s (sort of) quite major...

Blue is a recovering addict. Like me.

That in itself may not seem so bad but we're in different places in our lives. The thing is.... gosh, this feels a little complex if I run with it – when actually it’s not, so I’m not going to dwell on something which actually( as I’m writing this) is not a massive big deal ... I think.

OK- so, he’s 14 months in. Ouch. I said it. There you go... what do you reckon? You see, amongst the drug ‘recovery’ community some people would really frown upon the fact that I am seeing someone who is (in some people’s opinions) in ‘early’ recovery.
It’s only another recovering addict that is aware of what 14 months into recovery actually means... But, of course every individual is different. I’ve never had a relationship with another recovering addict before. I’ve always stayed clear because of fear of too many issues floating between us, and fear they may relapse. But Blue seems balanced.

The thing is I relapsed after 11months sobriety and three months after that I got involved with Sexless in a glorious relationship which was perfect for me at that time. After that relationship finished after 2.5 years I remember questioning if I’d kinda ‘out grown’ the relationship with him. Did I leave Sexless because I had gained confidence and was better able to move away ? No – he wasn’t interested in sex, so after over two years I left because yes, I did have more confidence to act when something in my life wasn’t working.

Jesus, imagine if Blue and I stay together for say a year – then he buggers off??
Well I suppose anyone can do that to anyone at any time, right? Recovering addict or not.
Anyway, who do I think I am to think that Blue would grow (as I did being with Sexless) by being with me – then leave me?? Who the heck do I think I am, eh? Ego alert! Where do I get off!!
Anyway, so back to the original issue - my friends... What will they say about all this, huh?
What will they think? Why do I care so much? Indeed do I?
Blue has never relapsed. He’s focused. I mean let’s face it, the way we understand each other and the way we communicate and are able to be so honest must be largely influenced by the fact that we are both recovery addicts. So, like I said before who can say anything is wrong with ‘us’?

Hmmm... a couple of my friends, that’s who.

And when they find out that he’s training to be an actor and he’s not working in the City and living in a loft apartment over looking Tower Bridge... Oh dear, oh dear...
They will question lots. But the thing is I didn’t say that I was looking for a banker who drives a 911. I never said that – and if they think that’s what I want then maybe they’re putting their own desires onto me - and that’s just not fair.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Running to the hills? Me? Nope!

I am the most tired I have been since records began.
I’m going to have a good old whinge if you don’t mind... I’m tired, I have a head ache and my tummy and breasts are swollen. I’m sure my period is due but with their irregularity it could happen next week or next month. (Now I’ve said it's coming, it probably won’t!)

I started working on my job alone today. So, the pressure to get things right (which wasn’t as difficult as i thought it might be) was on. I enjoyed the awareness that I must demonstrate while there. No one else is doing my job. I am alone and fully responsible.
God, how things change... I’m not running to the hills even though people are relying on me to do my job correctly. Bloody hell, three years ago I would have been literally quaking in my shoes on my way to work if this had been the case. In fact I probably wouldn’t have taken the job for my acute fear at failure. Three years ago I was feeling a total disaster. I questioned if I’d even become part of society. I didn’t know how to really participate in life. I felt trapped. I’d fucked my way to a healthy bank balance but a very confused mind. Today I am minus £ in my bank – but I am sane of mind.
I know which I would rather have – a healthy bank balance and a sane mind... BUT
One thing at a time, hey!

I’ve been daring myself to stay up until around 9pm, but I’ve lost my own bet to myself, and I intend to go to bed as soon as I’ve written this post. That means that I must get up earlier tomorrow morning and get some things done that ideally I would have done this evening.
Blue just text me : ‘ I want to see you tomorrow lunchtime, if you’re free’
(amongst other things) WoW! Masterful or what! Love it. ‘I want to see you’... none of that unsure ‘ I was wondering if you...’ Nope. He’s straight to the point. He went on to say:
‘We can grab a bit, make plans...’ Make plans!!!!! Did you see that! He said we can make plans!!
Now that is one hellova man,don't you agree ladies? Yep, so do i!

This guy, Blue, has a hold over me. This is very unusual for me to experience – and I’m not fighting it. I don't want to do a runner. Why would I? When I’ve fought something before it’s been because I’m actually trying to ignore things that are wrong, therefore I am uneasy until become my doubts tolerable.

I usually take forever to really want to be with someone. It usual takes me eons to respect them... But Blue, he’s something else. I have wondered briefly what it is about him that I find so attractive. You know, I was just trying to work it out... I guess it’s to do with the way we communicate. He’s very open. Plus he’s very good looking. Shallow? Me? Sue me.

He’s intense – although he reckons I’m more so. (I don’t know about that) He’s passionate. He’s lived. I like that...

I love how he speaks – he’s very well spoken, and I know I’ve said it numerous times but he’s very, very skilled as far as sex goes. He’s so confident and takes control which I really enjoy. There’s no fumbling. Everything feel deliberate. Somehow he doesn’t seem to make a wrong move. It’s as though we have known each other forever.
It is odd, though that this has happened so soon after my last relationship finished. Is that bad? If someone told me that they’d met someone so soon after another relationship ended I would raise an eyebrow. I’d only raise the brow a couple of millimeters, but even so...

But the thing is there is nothing about this union between Blue and I that is wrong. Nothing.

So I’ve thought about using his real name and I think it’s better that I don’t for now. If I did, I would feel that I had to edit what I can write about him. As things stand, with a name like Blue I could in theory be far more open than if I used his actual name. I’m sure you understand...

Friday, 24 July 2009

True Blue

I can’t wait for the weekend to begin. I’m tired and I feel old. A night of hardcore sex and I’m taking forever to recover.
God – at least Blue is feeling the same as me. He’s meeting me from work today and we’re going to hang out for a while before he goes to meet some fellow actors. I am invited, which is lovely, but I don’t suppose I’ll go. Not the way I’m feeling right now...

Being on high alert at work (where I’m writing this from) is draining. Learning a new job and meeting new people – the majority of whom have very obscure names which I’m kinda expected to remember, ain’t easy. By the way: Facebook is alright here if kept minimal. I have officially been told.
One consolation... In fact there are two, about starting here and feeling shattered
First – I’m working for a company where some sexy premiership footballers and lots of other sports people come in and out of. Lucky me! Spotted two of them today – Fit! Fit! Fit!
How is it that so many famous footballers are hot? No idea who this guy was and I didn’t care enough to ask... Besides I am fully focused on Blue.
Money, football skills and good looks will not entice me away from the connection that Blue and I have, bedroom skills and good looks. Nope. I’m not that easy believe it or not.
Funny how I told y’all that I am taking the less sexy job (but better paid) compared to the interior design company that offered me work. It turns out that where I am is in a cool area of London with interesting people trapesing in an out.

Blue just text me again ... I need you to know something: I am currently having literally the most exciting and most connected and more amorous sex of my whole entire life – and yes, I have said that before – that’s how I know that this time is the truth.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

nearly there...

Well, it appears that 'I did it.'
What? You know that today was the publishers' bidding day for the book?

Well,something seems to have gone right.

I don't want to get ahead of myself so I won't spell it out.
Monday will be the real deal and contracts have not been signed - but the result that I hoped for seems to be (just about) in touching distance.

If this all sounds a bit cryptic, forgive me. I just don't want to blurt it out letter by letter until things are signed, which should be very soon, by God's Grace.

He seems to be on my side. Both this particular publisher and God.
Today my ambitions seem to be in sight.

I am very, very lucky - and very grateful.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

L - un rayon de soleil.

Just spoke to my dad, bless ‘im. He’s cute. They make me smile. They did something for me today and are very proud of themselves. Well, daddy’s not so proud ( i think he gets embarrassed because he understands that the meager offerings they hand out are often just that – meager. But sweet none the less.) But my step mother - she is very pleased with herself.
It kinda bugs me when someone does something nice for you and after you thank them sincerely more than twice they go on to elaborate about it and make out that what they just did was the equivalent of having climbed Everest in order for you to have water to drink.

Jeez. Never mind. I’m used to their way.

I heard from the sister and the cousin again yesterday and today. Bloody hell, they’re starting to get up my nose. The sister is now dropping major hints about wanting me to help them financially. I am considering getting an accountant to weigh up my current financial status and let them know just how in debt I am and when I say that I don’t have a penny to scratch my ass with – i mean it. I’m not a person to say that, when secretly I have £10K tucked away in savings. No, I literally mean that even the money I am spending today is not actually mine. HD, my Honorary Dad has given me a credit card to help me b(u)y.

These people (my sister and cousin) are strangers to me and will be blocked from my email account if this continues, cos I really don’t want to feel harassed by them. Apparently one of my other sisters (the youngest one. I have three) has had a baby and the guy is no longer around... I understand that must be hard, especially where poverty is prevalent and there is no Welfare. But cold as it may seem it’s not an immediate issue in my life.

OK – I want to run something passed you. L. my fantasticgorgeous friend and I have come up with an idea...

You know how I am always bleating on about how wise and clever and fabulous she is? Well, after talking to her about the Missy Gee Facebook page and some of the messages that I get from people and I can’t always respond to ? Or more accurately I cannot respond in the manner that people deserve, especially when they have a problem or they are feeling down and they want to chat... Well, L. and I thought that with her experience, of the trials and tribulations that life throws up, along with the professional training that she has had – Why doesn’t she ‘join’ the Facebook page as a kind of Agony Sister... We are thinking of setting this up as her becoming an Admin.

What do you reckon?

Good, eh? Yep – I reckon it’s good too.
She's switched on and you’ll like her... We were thinking of this starting Thursday July 30th...

Bet you were expecting that I’d bang on about my weekend of love, right? Well, there ya go... I’m full of surprises me. Thought I keep quiet about it tonight. It’s the least I can do after yesterday.

Life, hey! You gotta love it!

Oh, nearly forgot... Tomorrow after work I have a photographer coming over to mine to take some ‘annoymous ‘ shots of me for that piece I told I was writing.
Better get my hair washed and straightened this evening since it will be splashed across a National newspaper in a couple of weeks time.

Monday, 20 July 2009

Weak Constitution? Read with caution.

Right breath... I must breath.
I had a fantastic day today at my new job. OK, I didn’t do anything but listen and laugh with the girl whose job I’m taking over. She is hilarious, angry, impatient and sweet at the same time... Sounds odd? But she is. We laughed so much. We didn’t get any practical work done ( not that there is much) but it was good to get a feel of the office and to get the inside info about the people that I will be working with. She was very open. For this I am grateful . Thankfully she had nothing bad to say about anyone.
She simply warned me about certain people who, at times are moody, pedantic, or anal. That’s OK. So, I’m working with regular people and not robots. Good to know.
Anyway, onto what I really want to tell you... While I was listening and chatting I was also getting bombarded with flashback from my weekend of lurrrve.
OK raise your eyebrows if you must it’s alright, but these are the facts.
Yep. A real live man. No it’s not my dad, well, it is. I love daddy too – but I am not referring to him on this occasion. Err, no it’s not S either. He is merely a friend.
There is, my friends, a brand new romantic suitor that has caught my attention, pierced my soul and squeezed any resistance out of my mind.
Was that a yawn I saw coming from your lips??
No? Oh good.
OK – we need a name for this new addition to our family... Right, let me think. First you must know that his real name is actually a girls name. Nope, it’s not Hilary or Lesley. If it was I wouldn’t have licked his ice-cream, never mind his excessively large penis.

OK – i can’t think anymore. He shall, from this day forth be called ‘Girlsname’.
I’m laughing because that’s silly.

No. I will call him Blue - for now. His eyes are intensely blue and when he looks at me they invite me to swear devotion to him for my entire life.

God, where do I start with this...?
I have been bowled over by a spectacular human being who is the epitome of everything that is good. So why should I be coy and reserved about wanting anyone who will listen to know about how I am feeling?
Society states that we are not supposed to experience love and certainly not express it – until we ‘get to, or have got to know someone’... Why ? Is love exclusive to experiencing shared pain, laughter,tears, joy, outings. Having shared goals, feelings, values?
Well, Blue and I have shared those things with eachother over the past 36 hours. How? We talked, and talked, and talked... So you’re still not convinced that I can be in love ? Let me ask you - why must love imply longevity? Why?

I am sure that right now my feelings for Blue are more powerful than that of some couples that have been together for years. So if these feelings don’t last, does that mean that they are not real? Of course they are. They are very real. I am feeling them and I am real. I’m not a machine.
Right now and for the past 48 hours I have been feeling love for someone. Intense passionate longing.

I first met Blue before I got involved with my last relationship – but due to circumstance nothing happened and I didn't think it ever would. It wasn't possible. He lived outside of London. When I met him the first words from my mouth were ‘You remind me of someone that I know’. I felt as though I knew him already or had met him before.

I could write about this all night but I don’t want to turn your stomach any more.
I could be with him every moment. We separated last night at around 9.30pm and all day I have been missing him. I have never been so connected with someone in my life. Not on all levels like this. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. This is magical. And we all know (as he does) that I’ve known a few men in my time.
I don’t even know the words to describe him and the impact he has had on me. I feel blessed that even if this moment evaporated over night – I have experienced it. I will never forget the time we have just spent together. I have been given a gift straight from God.
I would marry him tomorrow the way I feel today. He knows everything about me. I know lots about him. He accepts me. I accept him. He’s interesting, clever, handsome, so, so sensual – yet he can most definitely pound me when I want it. And the kisses... we kissed, and kissed, and kissed and kissed.... I have no doubts that we smooched for literally hours –He’s sensitive, powerful, gentle, masculine, strong.

When I talk about how he is in bed – you must remember something: I have had sex with a lot of men. I have experienced being touched, licked, stroked, fucked, made love to, amongst other things by goodness knows how many men – and this guy, Blue, is special.
He is a master technician. He's incredibly skilled at what he does.
We had a rapport which can not be replicated with just anyone, if at all. This stuff is either there or it’s not. He must have smelt good to me at a base, animal instinctive level.

I could go on and on and on and on....(even more) I could, no problem. You see – he wants me too. Today we both want each other. Today I am in love.

Who can say that is wrong? Today is all we have. Today is all that matters. Today is everything.

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Oh. My.Goodness!

Love n.
a)a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
b)a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection
c)sexual passion or desire.
d)a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
e)strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything.

WoW! WoW! WoW! and one final thing ... WoW!

Will tell you more tomorrow...

Friday, 17 July 2009

No rest for the Wicked or the Good, it seems.

Trying to turn my journey of recovery from drugs and alcohol into a book that makes sense is not easy. There is just so much to addiction that keeping things clear is tricky, but I must plod on. Trying to get the psychological confusion of the addict across to the reader isn't easy.
I know James Fray did his thing with his book - but I'm not following his lead.

While I wait to hear about Hooked, I need to continue writing. If I don’t write, I don’t know what to do with myself. That may sound ridiculous, but you see I feel I have years of catching up to do. I messed up for so many years. So inbetween chasing boys I must focus hard.

S. text me today to say that he is going to stay with his sister until Sunday. He’s been finding it difficult to deal with the guilt he feels about the breakup of his relationship. I’m not going to comment on that. What he does is his affair. I have to admit I am disappointed I wont be seeing him over the next couple of days... In fact, ‘disappointed’ is too strong a word. I feel...

OK, this is how I feel ... Sigh a light sight then immediately focus on something else. There. That’s the feeling I have about not seeing S.

Anyway, Monday I am starting a job... and later in the same week there is something happening with the first book. (Please excuse me for not being more specific about this at the moment, I just don’t want to make a fuss. There is no need – yet.) I am hopeful for the near future and I am aware how rewards come from application. I’m also aware that by saying that I am turning into my father.
Today was lovely. I spent it with a woman who I don’t know well. I told you that I went to see Avenue Q with her a couple of weeks back. We spent the afternoon in Covent Garden, had lunch, coffee and I bought a few trinkets which I shouldn’t have bought really, but I don’t feel guilty. They’re lovely: A couple of gorgeous Bracelets, some Mac concealer, Mac cream blush, and lots of knickers. I love pretty knickers. Knickers are nice... (I sound like Borat now, not my father.)

Unless really needed I try to avoid wearing a bra. I will have to when I start work. And that’s only if I wear a shirt. I find bras feel restrictive and my boobs feel too high on my chest when I wear one...

Right my friends I must get back to tapping away at UnHooked and I’ll catch you tomorrow.
By the way: The Photographer just text to see if I wanted to do something?
Do something?

You know...Go out? Watch a dvd..?
Err, call me old fashioned but just cos I live in a cosmopolitan city does not mean that I am up for going out at past 10pm.
Yeah, Ok, at one time, may be. But now... Once I’m in, I’m in, forget it but thanks for the offer.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

They all want a Piece

Ooo members of my family are all crawling outta the wood work now... I exaggerate. Two are, oh and my sister’s boyfriend has also dropped me an email. How nice.
I know I must sound callous but I feel a little pestered by them. I'm not actually being pestered but I can be very funny about these thing... I don’t have set rules about how I or people should behave – but I guess over all I like contact when I want it, but life doesn't work like that.
Daily emails from them is ever so slightly starting to bug me and now my cousin has jumped on board. She (the cousin)sent me a message a couple of days ago, then another today asking why I hadn’t replied to the first.

How can I explain that I have no emotional connection to her? Of course, I can't. Family does not mean the same thing to me as it may do to her, because she has one and she’s used to the feeling of solidarity that so often comes with families.
For me, it’s different. I don’t have one and I don’t feel attached to people that I actually don’t know. Just because we share some genetics actually means nothing to me. Sounds cold I know – but I deal with reality.

I don’t want to get hassled by these people and in a way they aren’t hassling me – yet but I can feel myself wanting to keep the,m at arms length. I don’t know what it achieves us keeping regular contact ? Why bother? Surely they can’t feel anything towards me? Or am I just jaded after the rollercoaster life I’ve led? They’re not my responsibility and I’m not willing to take that on.

I did learn something interesting from my sister yesterday,( before she sent me some photos of herself today. Apparently she doesn’t have any of mum. Pity they’re the ones I really want to see.) She told me my mother’s age when she gave birth to me. I had no idea until then.
I had asked her previously, small questions, such as how our mum wore her hair. What made her laugh?What food she liked?Was she funny etc... it was nice to hear this woman (my mother) take on a personality other than just being a woman that hurt me and let me down.

Change of subject: Today my friends I had to make a grown up decision, all by myself... That’s not easy for the likes of me, ya know!

I told you I got offered a job, right? Well, I also mentioned that on the day that I got offered this job I also went for another job interview, remember?
I didn’t want to cancel on them last minute so despite that fact I’d already accepted the job offer from earlier in the day I felt it was only courteous that I attend the interview. I went along and it was fine. Today I was supposed to go to the second interview for the second job (you with me?) but I contacted them this morning to cancel. I saw no point in going. I’d already agreed to take the first job offer, which paid well. They were disappointed that I wasn’t attending the second interview and they offered me £ 5,500 more than the job which I had accepted.

Yikes. It doesn’t rain it pours, huh!? I’ve never been in that situation before and I suddenly felt important and in demand! I hadn’t yet gone for the second interview, but I knew that if I wanted the job I could have it.

The thing is, the job I had originally accepted is in a far sexier environment than the 5.5k more one. What was I going to do? Take the sexier environment and less doe, or take the money..?

I took the money. Things are no always about money of course - but I think I'd have been silly not to... I'm broke. Money buys freedom of choice and Prada, if you're into that - but I'm not. So, for me it's about freedom to go on holiday, go for dinner, lunches, and occasionally buy myself a little treat - nothing else. I just don't want to worry about day to day things. I need as much free head space as I can muster while writing (The second book, while i await the fate of the first) I don't want to be bogged down with life's vital trivialities such as worrying about having enough money for food, bills, toiletries etc.
I don't need stacks of money. My lifestyle is simple. Good job really. I won't be getting stacks!

I went to meet with them again and this time I met three of the companies partners in a small meeting room. The testosterone was heavy as it permeated the air.
Blimey! I hadn’t realised it was that important! (its actually not, i don't think. They were adding drama to proceedings) Anyway amigas/os they offered me the job on the spot and I accepted. I begin work on Monday.
How did I deal with telling the (first) job agency that I was no longer accepting the job offer?
I emailed them apologising profusely, then turned my phone off and since I have refuse to listen to my voice messages. I can't bear to. So there.

By the way: it's just started thundering and lightening in London. I hate that. I'm so scared.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

My luck seems to be in...

Ooo, where do I start?? Ok, S, just left my place. He’s going to check out locations for a film he’s about to start working on. I know I sound like a pretentious arse by saying that he's ‘checking out locations dhalring!’ But it’s true! And I have to admit his job is rather sexy, so it does my minuscule kudos good! Who doesn't like a spot of that, eh? As long as one doesn't take it seriously and with a pinch!

We met for dinner again last night. Very spontaneously done. He called me on his way back from a location where he’d been filming ( no, he’s not an actor) and asked if I wanted to meet him 30 minutes later. I did.
I ate a yummy lamb steak with rocket salad and Parmesan. Gorgeous. He then came back to my place where I gave him an oily massage in candle light and head.
He’s sexy is S. Very handsome and cutely snuggly. He teaches me things. Tells me about history and art, and architecture and stuff all while being a ‘Man about town trend pot – which I’m not. He’s also been talking me through his perfect blow job. I like a man to know how he likes things. Everyone is so different and I find having an opinion sexy, rather than 'I don't mind.'
I love that stuff. Being taught – about history etc... It actually turns me on more than good looks. Oh and being advised on someone’s preferred style of being sucked off. I love to please. And S is so giving, that I he's a pleasure to give to. I’ve known him for a while; about 3 years now, so we pretty much know how the other works – just odd adjustments are needed as life develops, people change.

The two of us have always kept enough distance for our thing never to get too heavy. Therefore he hasn’t experienced the extremes of my insecurities. He’d say he has, but he hasn't believe me! I want it to remain that way. He is still split from his girlfriend and last night he felt he needed to explain to me (over dinner) that he had seen her at the weekend when she picked up her belongings from his place. He didn’t actually have to explain this, but it’s cute that he wanted to... They weren’t living together. In fact they only saw each other about twice a month. She travels a lot.

I don’t want a relationship and I don’t suppose S. does but he keeps fishing around to see my thoughts. Miraculously I’ve kept completely quiet on the matter. I feel no need to make declarations of intent - or lack of...
The comfortable thing about what we have is that neither of us has ever pressured the other for anything. We’ve always talked about working together on something and it is seeming more likely now – cos as I said the other day there seems to be movement with regards my book. I won’t say more until agreements are on the table.

Yesterday I got offered a job. I’ve accepted it, naturally! I am so pleased. I went for the second interview, but because I could tell that the guy fancied me I thought this would go against me due to him being serious about his work. I believed that he wouldn’t want a distraction floating around the office. Anyway, seemingly it didn’t go against me and inspite him telling me that he had three more people to see (I was the first one) for a second interview, within one hour of leaving I got the job offer.
Yaaay! I’m pleased! The only thing is (always something, eh!? with me at least!) I took a few months off to complete my book and they (the agency that got me the interview) want to know what I was doing during those months. Why didmt they ask before? Why now?
I don’t really want to mention the book in case they don’t think I’m serious about the job offer... but I guess I’m going to have to. I hope to God it doesn’t put them (the company) off.

So, now I am going to have another cup of tea and a snooze. I don’t sleep too well with someone in bed with me last night ... at least I don’t until I get used to them being there. Plus having sex until very late ( poor me! getting grinded deeply until the early hours... how do i cope!?) means I didn’t get much time before S. needed to be up – therefore waking me..
Let me tell you something, it’s a riveting experience to be able to move around in bed again, when sharing my bed with someone. Having some skin to skin contact with my partner without being tutted at, and scolded, and told to move - like my recent ex-boyfriend used to do. I couldn’t move in bed without him huffing and puffing like and old man...

Oh dear - I’ve just deleted the last paragraph that I’d written here, cos it was bitchy and unpleasant about my recent split and really there is no need for me to keep the thing alive by even moaning about it.
Good things are happening at the moment. This is an exciting time. I must focus on good not poo!

Sunday, 12 July 2009

A Sexless afternoon.

I’m still very up and down. I’m not quite myself yet, but I’m looking forward to seeing the doctor tomorrow morning.
I had a lovely afternoon with Sexless today. I do love him, bless him.
We went for lunch and chatted non stop. He’s been traveling a lot for work and by the look of him – shopping on the way. He’s enjoying life and making fantastic waves in the company that he works for.

I wished we’d made it. He’s the perfect man – just not at all bothered about sex. But every other aspect of him really suited me, but I guess you must take the whole package as it comes, right?


He said something funny to me today ... As he was growing up his father had told him that the secret to a relationship is ‘meeting someone who will put up with your crap.’
Sounds obvious in some respects ?
But I like it.... You see, the two of us had put up with each others crap but because he (Sexless) could go for weeks without sex, eventually that really bothered me.
I have other things to focus on right now and its not men. I’m happy to be single and it very necessary.
I understand that I could not have stayed in the relationship that I just broke free from and deal with my book. There seems to be a little movement with that, and I aren’t prepared to relinquish what I need to do with regards the book just to be with someone who doesn’t know my truth.
In a future relationship: the guy will need to know my real and honest story and he will not judge me for it – but that’s a long way off. I need to be single at this junction in my life and I’m happy to go back to my default mode: Singledom.

Friday, 10 July 2009

On the Menu for this evening? Depression & Sex.

People say that things can change over night. In a way things have. Today I’ve accepted that my depression is back and I must seek to change my medication. God help me if I wasn’t taking 150mg of Sertraline a day, as I am. It’s just holding me, but for I;m aware that the darkness keeps pushing its way through.

My moods are horribly up and down and I am no longer willing to tolerate just scraping by. The tablets are clearly not right for me any longer and they haven’t been for upwards of a year, but I blamed my mood changes to the relationship I was in. I don’t want to bleat on about this now. All I can say is that the doctor who was due to come and see me today couldn’t make it. I am seeing him on Monday, now. I have explained to him (on the phone) that I do not want to be given any medicine at random or anything that will subdue my thinking. I simply want to be more balanced.
I want to finally get to the crux of what causes these acute fluctuations in mood which I have suffered for years. The only time I had freedom from myself was in the first two years of this medication.

Yesterday I went for a job interview and I’ve been invited back for a second meeting with the same company on Tuesday. I hope. I hope... We shall see.

I also got a phone call this morning with regards an interview on Monday afternoon. But the woman has not emailed me the company details yet so I will now have to contact her to find out what’s going on. I hate making those kind of calls. They feel so pushy and grown up, both of which I am not. I get really embarrassed about that kind of thing...

Anyway, over the past couple of days I have talked to a friend who lives in a shared house, and I think I will be moving in, in August. I don’t want to live alone for a while. I always have, (apart from when Sexless and I lived together) but I think it may be good for me to be around people and to try and start working on becoming financially independent. The flat I'm in at the moment is tied up with too much input from other people.

Luckily I know the people in this shared house, which is large, modern and easy going so that will make the transition easier, I'm sure.

On to last night. Hmmmm.... last night.
Well, I had a really lovely evening. I had a relaxed dinner with a friend S. I’ve mentioned him to you before.
S. is the guy who I told you had lied to me about his girlfriend going away with him. During my last relationship he kept telling me that he wished that our ‘thing,’ (that has been going on & off for over two years) had developed into a relationship. We hadn’t continued it because he likes to party.A lot. Or at least he certainly did. He’s in the film industry Dharling. It’s what they do apparently. Whatever.
S. has broken up with his girlfriend. Honestly? I don’t know how long his break up will go on for. I've got a feeling that they might sort it out,but she doesn't live in London which seems to be proving difficult for them. That's not my business.
S. is very affectionate which as you know, really suits me.

So, after dinner last night ......... errr.................. he came back to mine.
There. Said it.
When I should have been attempting to finish my newspaper piece, I chose to have a snuggle instead.

I have to pause here for a moment and tell you all something: ** I met someone a week ago who I got to know through the blog. He likes me and I like him but we cannot be more than friends. I’m not looking for a relationship, but now I feel bad that I am writing this stuff ( about S and me) because of fear of hurting this person’s feelings. But this blog is for me... You know who you are. Please forgive my honesty here **

Back to last night’s snuggle which turned into a delicious and relaxed session of kissing, licking, tasting, fingering and grinding. Yummy.Yummy...
S. loves women and is totally confident at what he does. It’s all about me, with him. No pressure to climax – just easy going focus on sensations, which naturally enabled me to orgasm freely. No bang, bang, bang, just a tender,intense slide.
S. and I have always had beautiful sex. I’m not being a twat using the word
‘beautiful’ because that’s exactly what it is. I've never really been a 'scream from the roof tops' girl. I'm way more sensual than that and so is S.
We enjoyed what synchronicity, mutual desire and appreciation of one another can achieve when two people want to feel each other and taste everything, rather than fucking like apes.

Thursday, 9 July 2009

it can't all be bad...??

A spot of good news and the tide is turning. I’ve had a sniff of good news today. I wont share it yet until later after I’ve gone out and come back in again late afternoon.
I’ve blabbed on and on about my book and look what’s happened – exactly and precisely nothing. Nope, not a sausage. So right now, I think I should keep quiet until I know exactly what’s going on...

I’m feeling alright right now. I daren’t say I’m feeling better than that because when the wind blows I seem to fall straight back into darkness.
This morning I awoke to anxiety. I took a beta blocker which I am prescribed and I lay on the bed deciding whether I should go with the panic I was feeling, or pray to God for some stability. I chose the latter, and now I’m less suicidal.

I have had two emails (yesterday and today) from the girl who is claiming to be my sister. She is in fact who she says she is.

After the first email she sent me, I replied briefly asking her to tell me something that only my sister could know. She wrote back telling me stuff which I think I’ve actually written about and is in the public domain so I wasn’t convinced.
I wrote again yesterday asking her how our mother had died, and also, apart from the two of us had my mum bore any more children?
She was very vague about mama’s death, simply siting an illness. Fair enough. I can guess which one – but I wont say until I know.
She went on to tell me what I already know, which is our mum had two other girls. The sister passed the test. She went on to state their names and ages and the fact that one of them has had her own daughter.

She told me where my mum used to work and live and detail about my uncle (mum’s brother) which only my real sister could know.
So – here she is. Bold as brass, she springs into my life – a sibling. My blood relative who my mother gave birth to 4 years after she had me.

Where I go from here I don’t know... It’s a peculiar feeling I have about it all. It's odd having a stranger telling me stuff about myself, my family, the mum I never knew.
I recognise though, that I can find out information about my mother through this girl. I know a hand full of facts about her, to date.
The weird thing is that this girl thinks of our mum as a mother. My experience is not like that, and the prospect of dealing with someone who may force me to question the resentments I’ve had for 30 years towards my mother, is a very real fear for me.

Do I even want to let go of the anger towards her? Who would i become without those resentments? They are so ingrained, do I even want to remove them?
Dare I find out how that would feel? I just don’t yet know...

Wednesday, 8 July 2009


• Jobs seem to be hard to find in London right now. I am asking a meagre income for the loan of my brain and beauty, to help me by while I continue writing.
Still, Monster, Fish4 Jobs etc, etc just aren’t happening for me.
It is really quite depressing.
I realise after getting into the routine of work at my past job, (which incidentally was on the 2012Olympic Village) - how healthy it is for me.
I enjoyed it. The structure, the clear knowledge of what would happen during the day.

• I need that more than I may admit. I like to know what’s going on with anything that involves me. Knowing, gives me security. Not knowing freaks me out.

• But right now the problem lies with me not knowing anything about anything except how to give the best head of your life.
I’m still staying at L’s place. I’m still in Surrey, but we’re going out shortly.

• I long for the relationship that just ended and realise I’ve been glamorising it( and him) in a bid to anchor myself onto something I know.
Usually I can handle stark reality pretty well. In fact I positively encourage it, but today I still feel fragile.

• I made a mistake with the doctor’s appointment yesterday. It wasn’t yesterday he’s coming to see me it’s Friday. Bring it on I say. I want to make some revisions in my life at the moment.

• I’m sitting here drinking green tea and attempting to write something for a national newspaper that I agreed to do. The editor wants it for Friday.
Can I do it? Suddenly I feel as though I can’t even cope with that… God, it’s a crazy time for me at the moment.

• L and I are soon going to an exhibition in town; installations. I’m looking forward to it. Then after wards I think we’re meeting Photographer – you know the popstar-banging-guy and one of his friends who L would like to meet…
Despite being utterly down I still gots time to play cupid. Just cos I’m lonely and can’t keep a relationship together why should that mean that I can’t sort someone else out? I can at least live vicariously through L for a couple of weeks while I lick my wounds…. And hell, does that girl live! I love it!

Monday, 6 July 2009

Oh God! What now??

I feel ashamed of myself for what happened over the last couple of days. I’m sorry to any one whose respect i have lost for acting a twit.
I meant to knock myself out and have a hellova long and deep sleep so I didn't have to think about anything for the whole day and night. Instead, I didn’t sleep a wink. I panicked and freaked out that I’d over dosed.

I’m kinda laughing about it right this second because it’s so bloody, bloody stupid. Thank you all for all your words of encouragement, though. I told you before I didn't want this blog to turn into the diary of an emotional collapse and I'm embarrassed that things happened as they did.

I spent the day with L today. She’s a princess. She’s having a weird time as well so we somehow managed to cheer each other up. Don’t ask how, but we managed it. I kept referring to my suicide attempt and we were in stitches. I know suicide is not amusing – but my recent actions were ridiculous. L and I understand each other very well so we were able to giggle at both our recent misfortunes. She’s a real treasure and I love her.
I am still a little groggy after the episode I had, but today I’ve had waves of positive thought between crying. I am seeing a doctor tomorrow who will re-evaluate the medication I take. Maybe after 3.5 years it’s not longer working as it should. When I started with these pills they saved my life. I was very unwell at the time
(depression) and before I started taking them, if it wasn’t for the love of a boyfriend who I still adore to this day, I’d have relapsed and have gone straight back to the chaos that was my past life. The boyfriend who I was with (Sexless) is the relationship before this last relationship.

I will never again refer to the guy I have just now split from again. He’s gone. I have the ability to erase, and I have. He's erased.

My ex-boyfriend, Sexless (not the recent one... you with me? the one before this most recent) loved me through my pain, paranoia and tears. He was brave, honorable and stood by me, never wavering. There were times that I was excruciatingly insecure and anxious and feared that I was alone in the world that he would grab me, hold me tight and tell me ‘I won’t let you ruin us. I love you and I’m never leaving you. Ever’ I will never, ever forget those moments. In many respects I was stupid for leaving him. I love him still.
God, I always seem to leave a scar with the men I've been emotionally involved with. It's not saying a lot! But in my own defense, I'm very sweet and loving as well as messed up!
(trying desperately to score some decency points there!)

I don’t know what else to say right now. There is plenty I guess, but I will waffle if I start so I won’t. I haven’t heard from my dad, although I know that they ( my dad and step-mum) know that I lost my job. They used to call me at work. It’s not a huge surprise that I haven’t heard from them when things are rocky for me. That’s their style. A pattern they have followed over many years. I accept it for what it is. It seems odd to many people but It’s how they are and getting exasperated , upset or angry with it serves no purpose. I’m used to them. If I was laying in a morgue, they’d more than likely not want to face what was happening. Oh well...
One thing I did do today was email the girl who is claiming to be my sister. I asked her to tell me something that only my sister could know. I’ll tell you when I hear something from her.

I look forward to being back to full health and positivity soon. Just the fact that I am saying that shows signs of improvement. But I’m aware that my mood is changing literally every few minutes at the moment. It’s quite disorientating.
I tell ya... I'm not making a very good case for sanity right now, eh?! Don’t answer that – please!
Once I get some resolution with some of my current worries I’m the tide will turn dramatically. It doesn’t take much to lift my mood, but I’m pleased to say it does take a fair amount to make me crash, as I did the other day.

Bloody hell ! Life... Some times I just don’t know what to make of it...

Sunday, 5 July 2009

taking time out

Hello – I’m not doing well.
I’ve been going through some sort of emotional collapse the past day or so.
I did something stupid and took some sleeping tablets – then more – then I then I freaked out because I don’t want to die. I want to live, but I’m finding it very difficult with my current situation.

I spoke to Dee who told me that he doesn’t want me. I feel I want him. I’m scared about my housing situation. I’m upset that I don’t have a job. I’m incredibly anxious, very paranoid and yesterday while having an anxiety attack I started taking these tablets. I was stupid and I regret it. I was in hospital last night so they could check my blood, and I’ve just had a nurse come and see me now.

I won’t be in Facebook for a few days – but I will probably write some blog posts here.

Unfortunately Facebook feels too personal for me at the moment and I cannot face one on one interactions. I’m so sorry this has happened. I have been trying to keep my head above water, but it all caved in on me yesterday.

I will be back shortly. I just need a break. I need to put all my thoughts and energies into resolving my current situation.

Many thanks to all of you for your support and your love. xxx

Friday, 3 July 2009

Broke as a Joke & Going out..

How am I? Great. Everything’s rosey. Just the small issues of: jobless, pennyless, boyfriendless and I’m finding it very difficult to get up in the mornings. I have no motivation and I'm feeling wooried more than not.

I’m up and down like a homing pigeon that’s lost its way at the moment... In fact - do homing pigeons ever lose their way?
Whatever. I’m as changeable as any other person who has just split with their boyfriend, lost their job and who is as broke as a joke would be.

Yep, welcome to my world.
One benefit to all this is that I have been re-establishing my friendships. I’m really bad at keeping regular communication with people. A part of that problem is my fear of speaking on the phone. Another part is inherent laziness, but thankfully my friends are forgiving and understanding of my quirks.

Until yesterday when i spoke to Dee then later argued with him – I was sort of bumbling along focused on getting my act together, and now? Now, I’m a bit all over the place. Not nearly as positive as i had been before hearing from him yesterday, but i suppose I’m OK.
I had had his email address blocked from my account and when i decided to unblock it, (because i believed sincerely that I wouldn’t hear anything from him) I got a message within a few hours.

So, yesterday I met with someone who I’m very close to who I’ve never mentioned here before. Our friendship is complex and I’m not sure how to describe it yet... I will eventually. I met with this person who is like a surrogate father figure to me - let’s call him HD -Honorary dad, and I was sobbing. I was so upset about Dee and lack of work etc.
On his way back home, HD ( honorary dad) took it upon himself to text Dee and told him to leave me be. (that rhymes) and for him(Dee) to get on with his life. He went on to say that out relationship is ,and has been damaging to both of us and we both need to move on.
Oh dear. I didn’t ask him to do this, but I’ve privately pleased that he has. I need to feel supported. Someone is fighting for me.
This is all my fault for talking to Dee and responding to that dastardly email in the first place, so I’ve put it on myself. At least one thing was proven after talking to him: Dee and I really can not get on.

So, about tonight. I’m going out. Again! I know! My thoughts exactly... Can’t keep this girl indoors at the moment! The other night I went to the opening of a west end show ‘Avenue Q.’ It was the new one. Brilliant, it was! Absolutely hilarious. I couldn’t comprehend how they’d do it since the stars are puppets – but it’s funny as hell. It’s definitely an adult show, so don’t get ideas to take your babies along...
Tonight I am on a date-non-date-kinda-date-meeting. I’m nervous and excited. As I’ve said 10000028646 times before, I’m off men. But I can still meet new people. And tonight I am meeting someone new. I’ve met three new possible friends this week. Life’s good when I’m not focused on the possibility of being homeless, and the fact that I am boyfriendless, and jobless.

The essence of being alive is communication, in my opinion, so it doesn’t get better than interacting with interesting folk. When I don't communicate with my friends, you know what I'm doing? Acting dead.

I’ll let you know how it goes. Strangely I feel a little anxious about the fact that this guy is really posh. Hate that word – but what other word can I use? Incredibly well spoken? Whatever, he has an accent which I don’t have. I don't speak with a strong northern accent, I’m pretty neutral, but neither do I speak with plumy tones. I just hope he’s as down to earth as he comes across.

Of course you will be the first to know what I really think. As always.