Thursday, 9 July 2009

it can't all be bad...??

A spot of good news and the tide is turning. I’ve had a sniff of good news today. I wont share it yet until later after I’ve gone out and come back in again late afternoon.
I’ve blabbed on and on about my book and look what’s happened – exactly and precisely nothing. Nope, not a sausage. So right now, I think I should keep quiet until I know exactly what’s going on...

I’m feeling alright right now. I daren’t say I’m feeling better than that because when the wind blows I seem to fall straight back into darkness.
This morning I awoke to anxiety. I took a beta blocker which I am prescribed and I lay on the bed deciding whether I should go with the panic I was feeling, or pray to God for some stability. I chose the latter, and now I’m less suicidal.

I have had two emails (yesterday and today) from the girl who is claiming to be my sister. She is in fact who she says she is.

After the first email she sent me, I replied briefly asking her to tell me something that only my sister could know. She wrote back telling me stuff which I think I’ve actually written about and is in the public domain so I wasn’t convinced.
I wrote again yesterday asking her how our mother had died, and also, apart from the two of us had my mum bore any more children?
She was very vague about mama’s death, simply siting an illness. Fair enough. I can guess which one – but I wont say until I know.
She went on to tell me what I already know, which is our mum had two other girls. The sister passed the test. She went on to state their names and ages and the fact that one of them has had her own daughter.

She told me where my mum used to work and live and detail about my uncle (mum’s brother) which only my real sister could know.
So – here she is. Bold as brass, she springs into my life – a sibling. My blood relative who my mother gave birth to 4 years after she had me.

Where I go from here I don’t know... It’s a peculiar feeling I have about it all. It's odd having a stranger telling me stuff about myself, my family, the mum I never knew.
I recognise though, that I can find out information about my mother through this girl. I know a hand full of facts about her, to date.
The weird thing is that this girl thinks of our mum as a mother. My experience is not like that, and the prospect of dealing with someone who may force me to question the resentments I’ve had for 30 years towards my mother, is a very real fear for me.

Do I even want to let go of the anger towards her? Who would i become without those resentments? They are so ingrained, do I even want to remove them?
Dare I find out how that would feel? I just don’t yet know...