Friday, 10 July 2009

On the Menu for this evening? Depression & Sex.

People say that things can change over night. In a way things have. Today I’ve accepted that my depression is back and I must seek to change my medication. God help me if I wasn’t taking 150mg of Sertraline a day, as I am. It’s just holding me, but for I;m aware that the darkness keeps pushing its way through.

My moods are horribly up and down and I am no longer willing to tolerate just scraping by. The tablets are clearly not right for me any longer and they haven’t been for upwards of a year, but I blamed my mood changes to the relationship I was in. I don’t want to bleat on about this now. All I can say is that the doctor who was due to come and see me today couldn’t make it. I am seeing him on Monday, now. I have explained to him (on the phone) that I do not want to be given any medicine at random or anything that will subdue my thinking. I simply want to be more balanced.
I want to finally get to the crux of what causes these acute fluctuations in mood which I have suffered for years. The only time I had freedom from myself was in the first two years of this medication.

Yesterday I went for a job interview and I’ve been invited back for a second meeting with the same company on Tuesday. I hope. I hope... We shall see.

I also got a phone call this morning with regards an interview on Monday afternoon. But the woman has not emailed me the company details yet so I will now have to contact her to find out what’s going on. I hate making those kind of calls. They feel so pushy and grown up, both of which I am not. I get really embarrassed about that kind of thing...

Anyway, over the past couple of days I have talked to a friend who lives in a shared house, and I think I will be moving in, in August. I don’t want to live alone for a while. I always have, (apart from when Sexless and I lived together) but I think it may be good for me to be around people and to try and start working on becoming financially independent. The flat I'm in at the moment is tied up with too much input from other people.

Luckily I know the people in this shared house, which is large, modern and easy going so that will make the transition easier, I'm sure.

On to last night. Hmmmm.... last night.
Well, I had a really lovely evening. I had a relaxed dinner with a friend S. I’ve mentioned him to you before.
S. is the guy who I told you had lied to me about his girlfriend going away with him. During my last relationship he kept telling me that he wished that our ‘thing,’ (that has been going on & off for over two years) had developed into a relationship. We hadn’t continued it because he likes to party.A lot. Or at least he certainly did. He’s in the film industry Dharling. It’s what they do apparently. Whatever.
S. has broken up with his girlfriend. Honestly? I don’t know how long his break up will go on for. I've got a feeling that they might sort it out,but she doesn't live in London which seems to be proving difficult for them. That's not my business.
S. is very affectionate which as you know, really suits me.

So, after dinner last night ......... errr.................. he came back to mine.
There. Said it.
When I should have been attempting to finish my newspaper piece, I chose to have a snuggle instead.

I have to pause here for a moment and tell you all something: ** I met someone a week ago who I got to know through the blog. He likes me and I like him but we cannot be more than friends. I’m not looking for a relationship, but now I feel bad that I am writing this stuff ( about S and me) because of fear of hurting this person’s feelings. But this blog is for me... You know who you are. Please forgive my honesty here **

Back to last night’s snuggle which turned into a delicious and relaxed session of kissing, licking, tasting, fingering and grinding. Yummy.Yummy...
S. loves women and is totally confident at what he does. It’s all about me, with him. No pressure to climax – just easy going focus on sensations, which naturally enabled me to orgasm freely. No bang, bang, bang, just a tender,intense slide.
S. and I have always had beautiful sex. I’m not being a twat using the word
‘beautiful’ because that’s exactly what it is. I've never really been a 'scream from the roof tops' girl. I'm way more sensual than that and so is S.
We enjoyed what synchronicity, mutual desire and appreciation of one another can achieve when two people want to feel each other and taste everything, rather than fucking like apes.