Wednesday, 30 September 2009

forgot this song existed!

Meeting Lou.

I’m at work. I really feel like a cigarette. Not long to go and I’ll be puffing away on my to meet Lou, an editor.
I dislike smoking in the street. I’m such an old fashioned girl in many respects. I don’t think it looks nice. But there we have it. My urgency to smoke outweighs my perceived aesthetics about smoke streaming from my nose and mouth.

So, I’m looking forward to seeing Lou and to chatting with her. This woman is amazing. So astute, very ‘different’, really posh, very clever, a staunch feminist. She’s eccentric and very specific about detail; verbal and written. She will clarify where my priorities lie, with what I need to do.
I have some notes and I must be clear about what I want to achieve.
I Love it. This whole thing. Lou is fab! She doesn’t miss anything. Not a thing. I guess that’s her job...

Anyway, I’ll be with her about an hour, before, no doubt smoking again on my way to get the train back home.
I’m into UnHooked, finally!
I am officially ‘writing the second book, now’. That is a huge relief. I was getting very concerned about when that was going to start happening, and indeed if I could.

Will write more later...

Monday, 28 September 2009

I had a revelation today!

Just a quickie – I’m about to go into the bath, wash my hair and do my bits i.e. wax my snatch.
I had a revelation today. I have finally remembered how to write a book! Yippeee!! I can’t tell you how happy I am about this. A switch has been flicked on in my mind and the concentration is there.

I haven’t been concentrating at all recently and I don’t believe I could have forced myself to get to this. I believe in natural rhythms and I was waiting to see when this would occur. Thank you God for lifting the veil sooner than later.
Forgive me for stating the obvious but writing a book doesn’t just happen while you’re thinking about other things.
There is a process, which I’d couldn't find inside myself. It has been handed to me today. The level of concentration in order to ensure that all the necessary detail for a reader to not question what is being meant, cannot be undertaken with half my brain cells over there, when the book is supposed to be getting written, here.

Now the obsession will begin, my friends. I will dream about it, take notes as I sit on the train. My relationship will start to blossom as it take over everything. I want it to be like that. I'm not an experienced enough writer, yet, to know any other way than how I did it before with Hooked.

I like this second book. I like this process. It’s exciting. I feel worthwhile. It's nice to find happiness within myself instead of seeking outside of me. But lets face it, regardless of therapy spiel and y'all know I've had years of the stuff! It isn't unusual for a person to seek happiness outside themselves. That's what I usually do but I don't give myself a hard time about it. I'm far from perfect. All anyone can do is try, eh!? try to get through life as best as we can.

But over the next months I think I may live text book happiness; that joy which is produced by myself, internally.
No one can come inbetween this. Like with Hooked I gave up a lot in order to write it in the time I wanted to. I will do the same now with UnHooked.

I feel motivated. I feel happy knowing that I can fulfill my ambition, as long as God doesn't decide to wipe me off the planet tomorrow.

You see, I never doubted that Hooked will be published. It just never entered my head that it wouldn't be – despite the hundreds of thousands of writers who don’t get that fortune.
UnHooked, I intend to make better than Hooked. It will be everything plus some cream.

I’ve had moments of elation today. I feel alive. If this goes anything like writing Hooked was, it gave me times of feeling more alive than ever. I was in a heightened state of awareness a lot of the time. But with that came times ( every few weeks) of utter tiredness.
It’s just me and the book now. Nothing else comes into my mind when I’m writing it and the majority of my thoughts will be about it, even when I’m not infront of a computer. I’ve turned a corner. It happened today. Yaaay!
Now, I know I can write this book. I'm not one to spout off this stuff then a few days later I come back to you with my tail between my legs declaring that I have been hasty in writing this note to you. Nope. I'm saying it because this change is very real and it is happening, and because it does not involve anyone other than myself, nothing will alter its course.

I questioned myself and doubted my abilities to write UnHooked. I feel such a huge sense of relief that I am focused once again.
The only thing I need to watch out for is not working until 2 or 3am when I have work the next day. Occasionally, I will do it. I know I will.

But I must try and practice allowing myself enough time to relax before bedtime, otherwise adrenalin will keep me up. And that just won’t do. A girl’s got to get some beauty sleep regardless of if she’s building and empire or not.

holiday music!

Morgan Heritage, holiday music!

Sunday, 27 September 2009


This reminds me of being 18.
Living in a flat in Yorkshire.
Using heroin and crying while laying in a bath.


"Who's gonna be a bad girl then?"
'I am'

Saturday, 26 September 2009

The Weirdest Day Since Records Began

I’ve had the weirdest day since records began.
I am weird. Me, Clare is odd. Yep, so what? I bet you can be too sometimes. I feel like cutting myself of from the world, yet in a way I don’t want that. There is no obvious reason I am feeling like this. I Just am.
I feel like contacting my mobile service provider and getting them to cut off my number. I’ve done this numerous times in my life, then a few days later I will resurface, reborn and ready to integrate myself with people, again.

I trap myself within myself sometimes. It’s all in my head. None of it is real. I feel alone and yet I am not. I can’t be bothered to live sometimes, and yet I love life. I don’t want to see people or hear from anyone, yet I understand that people are everything and I do often like to hear from people.

I want to do things that are gentle on myself – yet I felt release through the pain of having more pretty little flowers tattooed onto my skin, today; a little self abuse.
I desperately want to write my second book. I want it to be finished and I’m doubting if I can do this. What must i do to be able to do it? Just write it I suppose. Easier said... A major problem is that I’m not letting go. I’m not allowing myself to become absorbed in it. I am not allowing UnHooked to become everything, as I did when I first started Hooked. Matters of ego, lust, desire, usually of the carnal variety, love, unity, doubt, aloneness and boredom are vying for equal attention. And at the moment they are winning.
I was supposed to go to Yorkshire today to see Daddy and I didn’t go. What a strange, strange thing...

I will try and keep a simple story simple.
They want me to stay over night at their house. I don’t want to (last two times i've stayed over night with them my dad has had a peculiar emotional turn, which left me in tears and bewildered. I try to avoid these situations. But I must do as they wish. I must try to make them happy; my father especially.

So, next weekend (instead of this one) I am going to Yorkshire to stay with them.
There. Kept it simple. This all came about this morning; very last minute. It’s very modern and spontaneous of daddy to suggest something just hours before it is due to be executed. I was meant to get the train three hours after our phone call, which halted our plans for today. Weird. I don’t know him well enough– maybe he’s spontaneous like this all the time.
“See if you can get a refund on your ticket and come next weekend instead so you can stay with us instead of a rushed lunch then back to London” he chirped.

What’s wrong with lunch in Yorkshire then back to London?
I wondered, but I said nothing.
About 4 years ago I flew to Frankfurt to take Auntie Flo to meet some friends. I dropped her in Arrivals then flew back. She couldn't' manage alone, she used a wheelchair. Then when she was ready to come home I flew back and met her in the Departures lounge so I could fly with her and get back to England.
Based on this I'm damn sure I can go up to Yorkshire for a spot of lunch then get my ass back to my yard in a day. But it isn't about timing. It's about daddy clearly wanting me to stay at their house. Very sweet.

Anyway, yesterday I made a start with getting daddy and step-momma a small parcel of indulgences that they wouldn’t normally buy themselves. This included a small jar of truffle pate, and a bottle of Gevrey Chambertin red wine, 28 quid, a beautiful scented candle and some special hot chocolate for a bed time night tipple.
Daddy’s going to be away over his 80th birthday and when I see them will be the last time before his birthday. I want them to have a little of something that will make him and the wife that adores him, feel special.

Right - I'm going out now. Meeting someone...
Hey, daddy isn't the only one who can be spontaneous, it seems...

Friday, 25 September 2009

Shine On & Damaged.

feeeeling gooood!

The opposite side of the same coin...

Damaged, Primal Scream - Lyrics

Sweet summer days
When I was feeling so fine
Just you and me girl
Was a beautiful time
Oh yeah
Said I felt so happy
My my my

I was through with doubt and pain
All the love I felt hadnt been in vain
Got damaged
I got damaged
I got damaged
I lost myself in you
Id wake up beside you
Youd hold me in your arms
Nothing and nobodys gonna do me
Any harm oh yeah
Said I felt so happy
My my my

And the way I felt inside
Made me feel so glad to be alive
Got damaged
I got damaged
I got damaged
I lost myself in you

Do do doo
Id never felt so happy
Do do doo
Id never felt so happy
Do do doo
Id never felt so happy
Ill never feel that way again
No, no, no, no, no, no

My my my
People can be precious
But they aint for keeping
I got too possessive
But souls aint for stealing
You were my addiction
I got strung out and crazy
Hit me like a fever
When you left me baby

Stone, stone, stone in love with you
I was stone, stone, stone in love with you
I was stone, stone, stone in love with you
I was stone, stone, stone in love with you

the past days...

Hello, hello! I’m back – for today. Ok, first things first.
I feel great today! I feel ‘light,’ hassle free, chirpy and I’m ... well, I’m lots of things as I’m sure you are!
But for the moment what I’ve just expressed here is enough for you to know that for today, my world is not dark, lonely, frightening or stressful.
The past few days have been a little adventure.

I’ve been getting involved with UnHooked; writing, thinking, liking.

Blue and I met, talked, kissed, and now we’ve fully detached.

Dee and I have emailed, laughed and joked.

The editor (that the publishing house has allocated me), called me. She’s seems very nice; a little shy, quiet(ish) yet very friendly. I like her. I’m looking forward to seeing her comments within the manuscript; see what she picks on...
After work today I’m supposed to meet my original editor, Lou, who helped build my confidence when I first started Hooked. We are going to discuss UnHooked and what I am trying to achieve with the second book. I’ve tried to rearrange this for Monday instead, ‘cos I was out last night and I want to go home and be alone this evening before going to see Papa tomorrow, in Yorkshire for the day. I’m taking him and his wife out for lunch.

You know something?

I feel strangely nervous(ish) as I’m writing this. I'm very sensitive, you know dharlings!I dunno if it’s to do with the coffee that I just had or if it’s the possibility of Blue reading this.

Why should that cause me anxiety? Because this is the only link I have to him now.
It’s best that he doesn’t read any of this blog. I don’t want him to. I want to feel that I can write whatever the heck I want without vetting myself incase something I say about him or other people is misconstrued ( by him.) I don’t want that to happen, but clearly I cannot control what someone else thinks.
Anyway, on a more cheery note I am currently feeling free which is probably as a result of knowing that my emotions are not going to be up & down as a result of having someone in my life, that predominantly thinks about himself.

I am sad that Blue and I didn’t work and if he reads this he will probably think that ‘It’s what I wanted all along’ but it’s not, but I accept it. It’s life, and I just can’t be bothered to go through any explanations of the ins and outs, small print, blah, blah, blah about it all. I felt as though it was turning into a circus... or the very least a merry-go-round.

I’m not being cold. I’m not even feeling that about him or the lost relationship. I’m being pragmatic and a realist.

In truth, it’s actually very nice to not consider someone else. I really want to move on, and in a way... I already have.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

An Open Letter to Blue...

Open letter to Mr Blue

My sweetheart – Do I? Don’t I? Do I? Don’t I? write this... that’s what I have been asking myself.

I am gutted that we couldn’t be. I am sad and sorry that things didn’t work between us. We’re in different places in many respects and we’re the same in others. It’s such a pity that we didn’t meet at a time when us being together was possible.

I offered you my home, my time, my mind, and most importantly my heart. I was open as I’m sure you were and I appreciate that you gave me what you could at this time. I don’t know what more I could have given you. The things that you chose not to take were not because they weren’t being offered to you. I am not remotely angry, so please don’t think that I am. I didn’t do anything yesterday to try and hurt you or make you sad or angry, as you suggested.
How could I ? I love you... I understand what love is and how to give it. God has given me that.
Why would I want to make your life difficult? If you’re calm as you read this... you will admit that hurting you has never been my desire.

The ‘theatrics’ that you mentioned in your text to me, were my feelings. I am over the top at times, yes. And yes, i’m sure it’s very annoying for you, for people on the receiving end as it is for me. But people don’t hate me for it – because they know that my heart is not bad. I am passionate and sometimes childish because I get scared of being hurt.
When you appeared so cool yesterday in your house before I ran out, I left in a hurry as I did because I was desperately sad and I couldn’t face what I perceived as your rejection of me. I now understand as I did even at that time that it wasn’t a rejection of me as a woman. It is your concern that you cannot cope with an intimate emotional attachment at this time.

There’s nothing I can do about that. I could fight it I suppose. I could try and persuade you, I’m sure I could. I could tell you that we can be alright, and no doubt that we will be for a week or so – but then again your doubts will spring into action.
Like you, I have pride and you have expressed your doubts to me on a few occasions in our brief affair so now I realise that it’s time to let go, because you will only continue saying it, which in turn will make me insecure.

I would have made room in my life for you. I would have fought for us loyally and stuck with everything if only you’d shown me that you wanted me. Our thing has begun to feel as though it would have been hard work had we continued but I was(kinda) prepared for that. I wouldn’t have flaked on you. I’m a soldier.

I’d made a decision to stay with you – but your doubts have made me embrace the idea of having a less stressful, albeit more lonely time. I told you after the last time when i did a runner that I wouldn’t do it again. And remember when we were at Oxford Circus when I was crying...? We both thought the other was going to finish this? Remember how that felt...and remember how pleased you were that we managed to overcome that? Now I wonder how genuine that was...
I told you that I wouldn’t do it again. So, when you did finish it... Well, that was your choice certainly not mine. I wouldn’t have had the guts to permanently end this for fear of my decision being a mistake.
What we had was too precious to toy with. Although there are millions of people out there - it's not easy to find someone that ticks many attributes on ones wish list. I wouldn't have risked being wrong by ending this, then living with regret. But your reasons are admirable.

I did make room in my life for you and I totally understand if you doubt your ability to make room in yours for me. The dream, the fantasy (if what we shared was genuine, which it certainly was from my side) would be that we would get on with our own lives and see each other.

Your desires, ambitions and needs I greatly respect and I will not try and persuade you that you/we could have done it. Who knows? Maybe you’re right... I too have a clear vision and I too need space in which to execute my dreams. I need to be physically alone to do this – and maybe months down the line I will realise that your doubts about our ability to fit each other into our lives at this stage were founded on sense and reality. Maybe we couldn’t have been able to do it.
My immediate goal is to complete my second book as you know. After that maybe I will be lucky enough to meet someone that stirs me in the ways that you did. Only time will tell. But when I do, I fully intend to make sure that I can continue writing books and they will support me as I will them, in their dreams. Together we will be able to make our individual ambitions come to life.

Thank you for trying.
I understand the journey that you’re on and I respect you more than you know, for doing it. You are doing something that millions of people believe they are unable to; never forget that. However crap or lonely or difficult things may seem – don’t forget that you are clean of drugs. You’re sober, you’re coherent, you’re safe and everyday that you are breathing you are taking steps forward. You are already living some of the promises, my love. Remember not to over burden your mind with things that are not important, for today.
Today is everything. How can one predict what will happen down the line... we cannot. We must just have faith that everything will be alright. If it feels right then it is. Go with it. You’re a hugely clever guy, who is many things except stupid so trust yourself and your instincts.

I hope you gain what you wish for... and if you don’t know exactly what you wish for at this stage, just keep on getting up each day and trying and eventually it will become clearer.
You know my past. You know how horribly confused my mind was and believe me that didn’t just disappear as soon as I stopped sniffing. Hell no... I questioned if it ever would. I was so up and down it was crazy! But I allowed people around me to love me and help me and to tell me that things will change. And they have. I fought them often. I doubted their motives. But I thank God that just by plodding on every day, I have many days of utter contentment and even happiness now.
I wish you happiness, love and contentment and success. But success comes from the first three, anyway, I guess.

“The grass may look greener, but it’s always as hard to cut”
Alan Lane WCS 1998.

And by the way: I forgot all about that short film thing yesterday! It is coincidence that I suggested that we meet at Notting Hill... and as for the party the night before. Oops. That slipped my memory too.


see you in a few!

Hi y’all... As I mentioned yesterday I am taking a few days away from Facebook and the blog from today to concentrate on continuing UnHooked . Months ago I wrote up to 27,000 words and I need to continue writing. I have stalled, and stalled and stalled, and now I am ready to try to continue.
I have lots of work to do and I am easily distracted. Because I work on a computer all day and then I faff around on one at night, it’s an easy option to connect with friends on Facebook or the blog instead of focusing on building a relationship with this second book.

I will be back later this week after, I hope, managing to immerse myself in UnHooked enough to have created a bond with it. This will then enable me to come back to Facebook and the blog because these two things will have their place in my life, alongside my book, without them being used a procrastination aid, as they are now.
I hope that you understand... catch you in a few days!

Saturday, 19 September 2009

thank you!

I just want to thank the people that took time out to right a review on Goodreads about the upcoming book/blog.
I appreciate your time and trouble massively! I can’t find the reviews right this minute... but a few moments ago I did see them!
I’ve said before that technology and I are not the greatest of friends... but there we are! Thank you so much....xxxx

Tears & Fears.

Word of the day: Progress.
Two steps forward and two steps back is not progress. Two steps forward and one step back is not progress - that is frustration. One step forward and no steps back (at least for a sustained amount of time. Of course steps back are always taken in life, periodically) now, that is progress...

Word of the moment:
I need to take radical action. I need to take a step forward. I need to feel as though I am taking steps forward. Ideally, being the woman that I am, I would take a leap forward, not just a measly step. But I won’t be :

2. impatient

I think leaps creep on us. Leaps are taken as a result of a culmination of small steps... Leaps usually are not marked events. In my experience they sneak up on us.
I must keep grounded, and I must put my plodding boots on. This journey is long and I must be brave, cos it’s lonely. The journey I talk of? My Book. My second book, UnHooked is causing me stress. The fact that I am spending too much time lingering on the computer doing not much at all really, except not writing UnHooked, is bothering me.

I must begin. I must. I will. So, when will I start?

Err, I will excuse myself from Facebook and from the blog for this coming week. I won’t be around for a few days after tomorrow.
I need to do this just until I build a relationship with my book. Once I have made that connection with it, I will want to write it. I will yearn to work on it. At the moment I don’t know what I have written well enough to have a desire to stay with it.
So,I apologise ahead of time for my absence – but for sure, I will be back in a few days. I hope you understand Mon Cheries...

I met Blue today, briefly. We did our usual dance; two steps here, two steps there. I shouldn’t have met him. At least I can report that nothing has changed between us. We still remain the same as we were last week. Oh, hold on, something has changed I suppose...
I am not angry with him whatsoever. I am numb if anything. I like him, care about him and accept that our romance is truly over and that hurts me.

I’m not accustomed to having 2/3 month long flings and I won’t be involving myself in something like that for some time. Simply put – I can’t be bothered. Two three months is too much time. Feelings get involved (unless he’s a fuck buddy) Normally, I’m a week or two girl, or the other end of the spectrum - a year or so. But that in between time is not my forte. I’m not experienced at feeling something for a couple of months – then *poof* it’s over.

It was nice. It was lovely in fact, but today, strangely, I felt as though I didn’t even know Blue. That makes me feel... well, I don’t know... it is how it is. Nothing I can do. I won’t fight for it. How can I? I think I understand where he’s at, so that’s just bad luck for me, bad timing, whatever one calls it, it just ain’t happening for us as a couple.

God, I give everything. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. But it's what I know. I want to love. I need to and when I am rejected? It wounds me, wounds me. I revert to the child that I was when my mother left me.

He just text me. He thinks I stormed off today because I was going to some short film festival thingy, which I’d forgotten about (we were meant to go to together) and here I am, home alone writing to yous. You’re my alibi.

If I was going to some do, I’d have said that. I don’t lie, unless I’ve been arrested. And that’s highly unlikely these days.
Oh dear – just remembered that I was meant to be at a party yesterday evening, as well... Oops.

Word for this evening: Resilience.

I do get bored of having to be at times. I yearn to not fight natural emotions. My feelings towards Blue, my desire to be lazy and not be haunted by the second book which must be written, (and it must be written before the middle of February.) That is my own personal deadline. Finnish draft one before Hooked is published in March. Seems like a long time in which to write it, eh? You gotta be kidding. Working full time and writing a book is going to be a challenge -but I can do it. I am resilient.
The main thing that is stopping me from continuing ?(I’ve already written 27,000 words)
I’m scared of the obsession. I’m scared of the head-space I need to go into in order to write it. It is all encompassing. Everything else is a hindrance. Nothing else matters... It’s lonely. It’s solitary.

Part of me relishes that adrenalin-driven-process. Another more sane, more ‘well’ part realises that when I was there last time, (during the first year of Hooked ) every few weeks I was cracking up and I’d leave London for a week without my laptop.
Then, I wasn’t working.I'd given up my temp job to live on income support (i'd paid enough tax, so don't start!) so I could give Hooked everything that I was.

I've said so many times that this book is more than 'just' a book for me. It is so much more... I won't try to describe what it means to me... It was everything, everything. From what I came from -

God, I suddenly have started crying... Blue has hurt me. I feel hurt and I'm listening to this which may not help :

During that first year of Hooked I was writing thru the night (my best time) and sleeping a few hours during the day. I can’t do that now. I have a job. Sometimes I wouldn’t sleep for a couple of days because adrenalin would not allow it. The book was everything I thought of, everything I talked about. Boring I know. People couldn’t give me what I wanted, which was enthusiasm, even my level of interest for more than a minute.
That was frustrating. Who can be as passionate as the author about a book that is being written? Yep, no one. That’s part of the reason it’s such a damned lonely process.I didn’t have sex for months, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see anyone.

Do I want to go there again? Of course not!
Will I go there again? Probably.

Web Site in the Making.

not yet complete, but here's a taster...

Friday, 18 September 2009


ahhh, a friend did this -

....sweet eh!?

Thursday, 17 September 2009

"You're here I'm pleased..."

I've put an acknowledgment in my book for this woman... love.her.

"You're here. I'm pleased..."
"You're all that plus some cream"

Surely Love is not Enough... Is it ??

So.... today I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. That’s right; I’ve faffed around at work and obsessed about the fact that I have not been continuing writing UnHooked. I can’t. I don’t know why. I’m beginning to feel anxious whenever I think about that bloody second book...

Anyway, enough of that. Blue came into my work yesterday. He dropped off my favourite Adidas top which I’d text him to ask for the other day. As soon as I saw a missed call from his number (I’d erased it but recognised the last three digits) I called him back. It’s weird how I’d had a feeling in my bones earlier yesterday that he would drop by my work to give it to me... AND the top...I’d even told the security man at the entrance of my work’s building that I thought Blue would come by.
I felt nervous when he appeared looking handsome as ever. I found it difficult to look at him cos I was feeling a little shy and because I didn’t know if he hated me for the pathetic name-calling I’d served him last Saturday.

I don’t know... I just don’t know. Don’t know what? Don’t know anything. Not about this. I suppose I feel similar to how Blue felt when I broke up with him so suddenly a few weeks ago; unsure of what to say, how to behave, and my barriers are up.
Blue’s personality is beautiful. I enjoy him, his company, his demeanor, his chat, his dick, his mouth... but does it take more than this for a relationship to work?
I’m just mulling things over, here...
I appreciate that Blue and I are over. But being with him changed my perception about certain things...

How important is it that your partner is ‘settled.’ Job? Home? etc.

You see, none of that is important in my mind when it comes to Blue. But this thinking is wholly new for me.
Until Blue, I would never have been with a man who wasn’t financially secure. I’ve never had that before. But that’s all changed it seems. I’ve been shown that money is actually not vastly important if you’re with the right person.
But is this fantasy? Surely love, alone, is not enough?

I’m going to speak to my dad and his wife about this when I go and see them...

Being with Blue has confused a way of thinking which I thought was unshakable. I mean, of course things will change for him in time, but still, this whole thing (my relationship with Blue) has got me thinking...

If financial security is not massively important, what about marriage? Children? How are those things sustained?
What would have happened if Blue and I had stayed together and I hadn’t made a fair amount of money?
Hmmm, well, like I said, things change over time. We're both on active journeys of change. We both consiously try to be better people every day.

How something is today is not the measure of how it will be in say 2/3 years,eh?

I am aware that Blue is involved in a process which cannot be fast forwarded. Recovery is a long and slow process. I know first hand. There is nothing that can be done by another person to hurry it along. Nothing. And it would be completely unfair, irresponsible and utterly wrong to try and pressurise someone to change outside of a natural rhythm.

So, I have tried to persuade myself that since Blue has decided that he doesn’t want me as his girlfriend, and because I genuinely care about him I will not fight his decision.
Oh, and maybe together, I'm telling myself, maybe I may not have been able to fulfill the dreams that I have to have a family in the next few years.
Based on this, my rational mind is trying to persuade my heart that If I don’t hear from Blue again (despite him suggesting that we meet on Saturday afternoon to ‘talk’) although I will be very sad, it’ll be alright.

It will. It will. I’ll be alright.

It's odd how I said to him that if he changes his mind he should let me know. Me? saying this to a man who dumped me?
It's odd in the extreme and funny!
I wasn't begging him, I wasn't being clingy, I just said it. It's what I would like, so why not say it? I'm smirking as I write this. Being like that is very out of character for me.
I reckon Blue must have been spiking my coffee with something...

I guess I am simply able to understand the power of what we shared, and pride does not come into it when dealing with something like this, because I understand that what I shared with Blue, is a rarity. I have had a lot of experience with men and relationships. I know.
You see, I want him, but I don’t know if Blue would have been ready (in the next few years) for all that I would like to make happen in my life. And anyway, he may not have visualised it with me. Who knows? I can’t predict where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing or with whom I’ll be doing it in the coming years.

But if he is resolute in his decision I wouldn’t blame him whatsoever, since yesterday when I saw him I had not a scrap of make-up on and I was dressed in sombre clothing. He probably thinks he’s had a lucky escape!

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Things that make You go Hmm...

This will put a smile on your chops. Guaranteed!

(copy & paste)

I'm Zonked. Just had a shower... Smooth skin, creamed my body with Shalimar, perfumed lotion and ready for bed time adventures, in the land of nod. Alone.


Tuesday, 15 September 2009

... and then God created people.

I’ve just got home – hell, this girl can’t stay in these days! I met a friend, Sym and we went for Jamaaaicaan food, and a long catch up. She’s bloody lovely is Sym. I met her when I did a massage course in Windsor a year after I left rehab. She’s a very special woman; vastly clever, interesting, interested and she’s very easy to be around...
My heart is warm right now. I have some fab friends who I am connecting with. About time... Seeing these people and speaking to them (I just spoke to Sexless on the phone for over and hour) invigorates me. I only have good people as my friends. I don’t deal in frenemies (friends that really, you don’t like.) My mates are inspirational to me. I guess because I respect them and like them immensely and I like how they live and their levels of decency. Very important. I’m not light hearted when it comes to relationships, whether romantic or friendship.
I love to listen to what people have to say, what they think, how they feel...

Ooo, and something else... I just got a text message. Le 51 year old, silver-haired Sexpert. Remember him? He tells me that he’s going to New York tomorrow for 5 days and he asked me if I’m free after that, for us to meet. Dinner, not nookie!

Err, well, yes, I am actually Mr! I’m free as a bird. Had he text me a few days before it would have been a different story – but now, well, yeah, now? Why not?
I don’t mind hanging out in his 4 story brick warehouse conversion house. I spent a very happy summer (the very beginning of last summer) mainly on the top floor, the whole of which was his bedroom; two walls the depth of the building is glass leading outside onto 2 huge balconies over looking London. His bed takes up nearly a ¼ of the whole of the massive room.

err,what did I say ? Dinner, not what..?

Funny how things happen,eh? I wouldn’t have contacted him, because the last couple of times we’d tried to meet I canceled last minute, and I wouldn’t want him to think that I was acting like a twat. If you know what i mean...

Anyway, I’m not focusing too much about being dumped. I’ve pined for the boy periodically, of course I have, but I understand. And unlike before when we ‘broke up,’ this time I know that it really is over and I feel OK about it. I’m sure we will be friends at some point. I’d like to keep contact with Blue. He’s a good guy. We shared a lovely extended moment and now it’s over. It’s time to leave it behind me.
Right now I’m loving the feeling of not knowing what will happen tomorrow. How exciting is that!? Literally anything could happen and anyone could walk into my life.

Weird how people adjusts to situations, and are able to re-adjust when things that they think will last, don’t?

What does Aunti Flo say? ‘Nowt as queer as folk’.
I say – ViVa people!

Monday, 14 September 2009

Ce Soir.

Bloody hell, I’m full ! Just eaten Chinese with a friend who I haven’t seen for ages. I never see any of my friends ‘for ages’ so I'm not telling you any news, there.
I don’t suppose he’ll mind if I mention his name on here; Mark. He’s not the Mark from oop north, he’s a Saverner. I don’t see my friends enough. And when I do – I love it! I’m quite a hermit although people refuse to believe it when I tell them that. It’s the truth.
There must be something about me that makes people think that I go out dancing on table every weekend. It's odd. I don't get it. I’m really quite unsociable and certainly lazy. I love being lazy and I find the term ‘unsociable’ amusing, because it so often infers something negative in most minds. Well, not in mine! Oh no dharling – unsociability is de reguier; the new black if you will...
Hey look, I have to try and glamorise it somehow to make it less , errr, odd.

Whatever, anyway – I live my rules within societies laws. (Just made that expression up! I like! yippeee! We got a new one there amigos!)
At least I am no longer a hell raising coke-fiend-mo-fo-ho. Instead I am a law abiding coffee-drinking-spinster. Yep, indeed I am; drinking coffee... err, and a spinster.

Hey ho... it’s OK. I’m feeling good right now. Maybe something to do with an over-sized slab of chocolate cake earlier today and Chinese duck, just now.

I thought today about my words to Blue on Saturday were unnecessarily cruel. And I have to admit I did something which, in my non-angry-state ( as I am now) was quite despicable.
We’d agreed to go out for dinner ( Saturday night) which I was going to pay for, and when he told me that he was not staying with me that evening, I withdrew the offer of dinner. Now, that’s bad. Not classy, not decent, not who I am. In fact it’s controlling and mean and I wish I hadn’t withdrawn the offer. Saying that there is a story behind it, but I won’t go into detail about what lead to my uproar about Blue not staying that evening – if I did that , it would cancel any integrity I am now claiming to usually have. Ohhhhh, the minefield that is relationships.

I was talking to Mark tonight about how I don’t mind admitting that I actually don’t want to be by myself. I want to be in a relationship. OK, that may not sound very PC and it’s certainly not fitting for a sassy like me – but, so what? I’m speaking my truth. Why should I ‘embrace being single’? Why? Why? Why should I not yearn to be in a happy relationship? Should I be ashamed of wanting what I consider to be natural?
I wouldn’t accept just anyone in my life, of course not. I place value on myself. But finding the bloke that’s going to take me off the shelf and give me a regular dusting over is definitely high on my list of things to do. Hell Yeah! Why not!?

Well, one thing for sure... I work in an environment where maybe I could spot a bit of potential ‘hows-yer-father, mother and sister’

The place I work in handles a lot of premiership footballers managers and other sports people’s cash. So some of those people come into the office.

Stop grinning, you! OK, OK, you can smile... I am! Although, a WAG is not something I wish myself as.


Just a quickie ... Remember a while back we did a questions game where YOU asked me questions and I put 15 into a post (if there enough)and I answered them...


If so, how about we do ONE question each as we did before... And like I said before even if you ask me : Why is an ex-whore like me still breathing?

I will still answer you – Ask yo Mamma that same question.

So, no smart asses please!
You’ve been warned... with a warm friendly smile, naturally...x

Sunday, 13 September 2009

Life & its Tedium.

Life – it’s odd, no? Yep, it's a very peculiar thing indeed. I sometimes wonder what the point of it is?
Oh dear... While you’re reading this please don’t think that I am feeling depressed – I’m not. I’m feeling quite indifferent and matter of fact and resolute about this whole long exercise in keeping sane, called life.

I’ve been trying to avoid working on UnHooked all day long, and I’ve done pretty well so far. My current procrastination technique is this blog. And writing it.
This will enable me to avoid the second book for a while longer..

Other avoidance tricks I’ve used today:
I’ve slept. I went out. Finally, I paid the hairdresser whom I couldn’t pay last week because my bank card was stopped, remember?
Got my beloved i-pod back, which I insisted that the salon took as assurance that I would come back to pay them for the cut I was unable to pay on that day. I did that – came home, ate, watched some crime stuff on TV, faffed around, straightened my hair and now I’m here with yous.

After this I will continue with a list I have been writing of the things that I need to do over the next 7 days...
Detailed lists I find very helpful to get me organised. If I don’t know what I’m doing day to day, I end up drifting. I hate that. Time passes and I can spend an inordinate amount of it doing bugger all. Not that when I am doing something I’m doing anything which is particularly interesting to man or beast, but it's all about small things that I need to do for me. To convince myself that I am worthwhile and that I am participating... God, that actually sounds as though I AM depressed. I'm not! It's just my manner. Just my humour.
I guess I could persuade myself that these inane things that I do are there so I can keep my finger in the literary-world-domination-plan pie.
Hmmm... indeed.
So about this list I am writing; all these things are, well, that’s exactly it, what are they?
They are insignificant in many respects. They are tedious but they make up a part of my life.

My life, as with so many other people’s is basic - up, work, eat, home, internet/tv, eat, sleep...

Break it down to the bare bones and that is it. Not much at all. Thank God we have minds to paint things more interesting.
I guess bare-boning something (and no, I'm not being rude)makes it feel somehow rubbish, eh?
Take a game of cricket - basically a few men standing around a patch of green grass, hoping to catch a ball, but I've been told that there's more to it than that.

So Mon Cherrys somewhere amongst this I am supposed to find appreciation for having this opportunity to mechanically go through these motions, right?
Gratitude to God for giving me this chance at life.
I do believe in God.And yes, I am grateful - but it'd be handy if he gave a more clear reason why we need to do this.

* Just made a cuppa and was thinking *

... I suppose my life exists as does yours through a series of events.
I'm not talking birds and bees! What I mean is, every person that is alive is keeping a constant chain of events flowing, which we all contribute in and we all call it life. And we're all a part of it.

The food I eat – someone has bought the land and the seeds, someone else has plucked it from the ground, or packaged it, whatever... someone else owns the transportation and there is a driver who has taken it to my local supermarket. Someone in that supermarket has ordered that produce and someone else has placed in on a shelf which someone else has cleaned at some point. I then pay for it by giving money that someone in the bank has placed into the ATM machine and I give my card to a cashier... blah, blah...
Weird eh? Very obvious - but still, I find it strangely comforting. Other people exist because I do. I exist because of other people.

Somehow, seeing life like this makes everything seem more important and worthwhile. We all need each other to continue to survive.

I guess that’s why when I do the things that seem tedious and a pain in the ass to bother with – they too set off a chain of events in my own life...

Say, if I don’t upgrade my Networked blogs thing on Facebook – then I can’t send emails to readers. If I can't do that then I cannot begin a more intimate dialogue with each reader. And if I don’t do that then people get bored and can’t be bothered. And why should they be? If seemingly I can’t be...

However small or large – things begin – things end – things change – and things rarely stay the same.

At least not in my life. Not really. There is very little that is consistent. A huge part of me craves consistency. Another, more rebellious part relishes not always knowing - but I’ve lived with constant inconsistency for so long that I’d like to try some stability, and see how I like it..

Blue and I are finnished. He finnished yesterday. It's much easier for me to accept since it is his decision. I prefer something to end by the man ending it. It exempts me of responsibility.

That's rubbish? sue me.

I find it very hard to make that decision myself and to carry the weight of inflicting hurt onto another person. I tend to think that the complexities of the reasons for something are often unimportant and I try to focus on what is in front of me and what is infront of me is that he doesn’t want to be with me.
I want to be with him, still, but there we are. We're not.

If I accept what is right under my nose in my life without fighting (unless, of course, I am literally under attack) then by my estimations I should be able to plod on without adding pain to a process which is always hurtful.
I asked if he was certain. He said he was.

I’ve suffered enough in my short life and in recent times I suffered when I lost my job, then Dee and I broke up. I think I took that so badly because I had to accept that I was hurting him and I hate the idea of doing that to someone, especially that I care about.
I had wanted Dee to end it – but he always refused. He never would. He made me make the decision which was hellish despite feeling that is wasn't right that Dee and I be together.

I suppose Blue ending this is just another twist and turn of life.

Things begin – things end- things change – and things rarely stay the same.

Saturday, 12 September 2009


Sexy Pop.

This is Pop Sex!

(copy & paste)

absolutely random!

•‘Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much’. Oscar Wilde

•I think I may really advertise for a husband after I finnish my second book.

•It’s darkest before the light of morning.

•I wish I lived in a 50’s black & white movie, such as Casablanca. Love the charm.

•Lusting after some gooie chocolate cake.

•How do I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train?

•Oh, the light at the end of the tunnel IS an oncoming train.

•When am I next going to have sex?

•I feel that I’m changing. Won’t be fucking any ‘buddies’ of any variety. I decided a little while back that I’m done with that. I’ve grown a little more respect for myself over the past six months or so.

•I need to get back to yoga. The yoga that I do is called Bikram where the room is heated to 40’. Invigorating is not the word!

•I can’t decide if I’m hot or cold; cardi on, off, currently on.

•Really want to find love. I really want that total unity and mutual affection and adoration.

•Seeing my dad soon. Going to Yorkshire before they travel to North Africa for winter.

‘Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.’ -
Oscar Wilde.

•‘Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up,’ Winston Churchill.

‘One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.’ Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

This is it!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Changing Moods.

Just call me multi-tasker extraordinaire! I haven’t done a fraction as much as people with children and real responsibilities, but still, for me – I’m pleased with tonight’s graft.
From feeling like I either wanted to slap someone or wail my eyes out earlier today – this evening, instead of sleeping away my strop, I got cracking with ‘stuff’ and now I feel like a very productive member of society.

I began by tidying my clothes in the bedroom. The room still feels too claustrophobic for my liking. I have a bizarre amount of clothing for a non-fashonista. I don’t understand it. It’s odd. And despite every so often having clothes swapping parties where my friends are not allowed to bring any clothes, but they must take all of mine that I don’t want, I still have acres of material floating around.
Anyway, so I did that, plus two lots of washing... waxing, plucking, and in a while I will go in the shower, then paint my nails, scracth my ass and have a fiddle.
But right now I’m sitting here with an intensive mask on my brittle hair and a face pack of my spotty skin. I always get spots before my period. I’m in my 30’s and I still get effing spots. It’s just wrong. But as my step mum reminds me ‘ It’s cos you’ve got young blood still flowing through your veins’ Yep, OK. I’ll go with that. And with my new hair cut, it would be easy for people to believe. I look about 12. It’s cute. ‘Middle England’ as Blue calls it.I just need an Alice band he says, and I'll pass as a choclate-labrador-walking-buggy-pushing-yummy-mummy. That ain't so bad, is it???
At first I thought his comment was negative. I like the idea of looking edgy. But you know something; edginess is in the mind, in the spirit. That’s good enough for me.

I like the contrast of ex-coke-whore-alcoholic-bum who actually looks quite prim and proper. I don’t want everyone knowing my secrets. At least not until the book is published.

Monday, 7 September 2009

Bigging myself up! And what !?

My current mood:

Well, I’m happy, what can I say?
Yep. Happy. That’s me.
I am no longer in a hell hole trapped by myself with no knowledge of how to get out of my plight. Right now, I can’t even imagine how I had the balls to claw my way back from the pendulum that was virtual insanity and delusions of grandeur while floating around chis bars in London. Both the same thing, maybe?

I have to admit I feel sorry for the poor suffering woman that I became - but you know something? Today, today it’s all different. And you know something else? I’VE. GOT. A. FUCKING. BOOK DEAL!!!!
Arrrrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!! I’m SO fucking happy! I could scream right now!
The penny has only just dropped today that this IS happening. It hadn't hit me until today. Seeing the book on websites made it real. People can order it already before publication!!

I am realising a dream of mine. I am doing this. I am living my dream. Right now. Here. Sharing this with you. I shared it with Blue, L, HD,KS,K,MD,Sexless oh and some people on my non-pseudonym Facebook page... but I didn't show them the cover... Most people don't know about my past.
I emailed Sexless the book cover. I didn't know how he'd respond, but thankfully, and I should have guessed, he'd be gentile and discreet about the obvious content. He only gave me love and congratulation. No raised eyebrows.

I may be broke and I have none of what society deems as trappings of ‘success’, but I tell you what I do have. I HAVE A BOOK. A book I wrote alone. A good book at that!
I coudl barely believe it when I saw Hooked on various websites today.
This is truly incredible. This is a miracle. I kid you not – at one time I literally couldn’t start and finish making a cup of tea. I had the concentration of a Nat and the patience of an SS guard. Unless, that is, I was on a mission to score drugs.

I don’t want to plaster the details of the book cover etc on here yet – I haven’t had authorisation from the publishers that I can. I’m sure I can, I just want to respect the fact that this is now their gig and I must do things in the manner that they wish.
I have to say however big headed this post sounds (I don’t really care)I am very fucking proud of myself. I did it. I did it. I did it.

If any of you think I’m being arrogant – you don’t know me, but it’s OK, think what you like amigos. People that do know me and especially If they know from what I’ve come from, you will know that this is a major coup and I deserve to big myself up; for one night only.

Thank you all for allowing me the confidence to be brave enough to test the water here, with honesty about my past. Thank you for giving me such a warm reception free of ridicule and judgment.
Like I said the other day Cuddles R US and I’m dishing them out liberally tonight...

There. Did you feel that? I just squidged a cuddle onto you...

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Money = Security.

Yesterday drama ensued. Now, me, I can cope with a fair amount of bother; the break down of a relationship, moving home alone, the end of George Bush’s reign of terror. ..
But, my bank card having a stop put on it for no obvious reason sent me into an almighty tizz. When did I discover that my bank had put this stop on all transactions? After I’d had my hair done (cut into a bob and dyed jet black. Now I’m going to be straightening it for at least 60% of my life. But it's cute. I like it. Only thing is I look about 12 years old.) and I couldn’t pay the friggin’ bill.
How embarrassing is that!? I felt awful. Although, truthfully? I was more concerned with the cause of the problem than being unable to pay the hairdresser. I left there with no option other than leaving them my i-pod as guarantee that I wasn’t trying to pull a fast one.
They told me that I didn’t have to do that – but I insisted. The whole situation stank of my past life behaviour; things going wrong for me and in turn me being placed in awkward positions through sheer bad luck and mis-management of my life - rather than venomous scheming.

Immediately afterwards I met Blue who attempted to be very soothing and practical about the whole affair. He offered to pay the hair stylist and I said no, in a strop. Why wasn’t my fucking card working? For once there was money in there and I couldn’t get my paws on it. Criminal.
I was royally pissed off. Money matters to me. It’s not the ‘Once a whore always a whore’ simplistic view on life.
It’s about reality. My reality. Everyone’s reality.
Unless, that is, you live off the land in a woodland shack or you catch your own fish Robinson-Crusoe-style, or you have someone to rely on when the shit hits the proverbial – you’re fucked without cash.

During the weeks I wasn’t working after my temp job finished I used HD’s (Honorary Dad’s) credit card. I have now given him this back in a bid to branch out for total independence, so without my bank card working, I was penniless. This only served to make me feel utterly vulnerable.
Having my own money is a big part of where I find my security. Sad as that may seem. I don’t have family who will help me, or anything much in my life that is solid ie. I don’t own my property, or have savings, and I cannot get loans from a bank. So access to the tiny bit of doe that I currently have equals freedom.
I could, of course sit at home and bleat on about the fact that I do indeed have a home to sit inside and I should stop flaming moaning about everything else. I have food in my tummy, I am warm, I have a job, I am safe, I’m no longer selling my ass and I have a hot boyfriend. Yep – he is my boyfriend, who gives incredible head, amongst other things. But I won't bore you with all that again. Not yet.

I know all these thing. I know I am lucky in many respects and yet I’d still be utterly pissed off if the card had remained Kaput all effing evening.
I phoned the bank (three times) who eventually after approximately 2 hours unblocked the card so I could use it again. The reason it was unusable? No recent use – then suddenly a flurry of transactions (when i got paid.) This has never happened to me before. It made me think...
At one time I was earning thousands a week (when i bothered to go all out on the job) and my effing card was never blocked for frequency of use, then.
So why now? Ahh, because before I got paid cash and didn’t bother using a card. In fact I don’t think I could even get an account at that time. I owed various banks too much money. Drugs have a tendency to allow people to get themselves into such pickles; then the said people can never pay back the debt.

Anyway... yesterday evening ended blissfully. Blue and I went to an Indian restaurant and chatted for ages. We talk a lot, me and he. At least I do and he, in his very laid back and ‘strong&silent type’ manner listens and talks intermittently. But as whole he lets me do most of it. Suits me, as I'm sure you can imagine - having seen the length of some of these posts.

Heard an expression on TV tonight – ‘talking the head off a penny.’ I like that. It made me laugh.
Stuff like that stays with me for always. Things do. I hear something or see it, like it, visualise it in my head, it's logged. If I don't visualise the thing in my head though. I will forget it.

Anyway, I’m about to go to bed. Mr Blue left here about 30 minutes ago so now I will get myself tucked into bed. It was fun. I had another 2-nights-in-a-row-weekend with him and I’m shattered, but I wouldn’t have anything any different right now to what it is. Well, I can say that now the bank card is working again.
Different story if it wasn't eh!?

Thursday, 3 September 2009

7 Reason For & Against Living with Someone

I have lived alone for most of my adult life. I think I love it. I say I do – I’m sure I do. In fact, I do. Sometimes I would love to live with someone, but most of the time I wouldn’t.

Reasons for living alone:

1. I can ‘use’ the whole space I have. I can leave thing in unconventional places. Things do not need to have a ‘home,’ and they do not need to permanently reside in that place. Like now. I have the ironing board in the sitting room after I used it in here this morning. If I wanted I could keep it here for eternity. I could be 80 years old and still the ironing board could be staring at me while I’m sitting on the sofa. And who’s going to say anything? Exactly. No one. Well, they can, but I wouldn’t feel obliged to move it.

2. I can fart in peace. If you think that sounds disgusting and your nose is curling up – you haven’t smelt it yet, so steady on! Don’t tell me that you don’t do it. I know you do.

3. I can ignore any phone calls without having to justify why I am doing it. Not that my phone rings off the hook. Far from it. But the very few calls I do get – I often ignore. I’m just unsociable and I dislike talking on the phone. Of course any friends that are reading this, Note: this does not apply to you. God, no. It’s the others.

4. I can plonk myself in the middle of the bed and no one will say jack. They won’t even say my name. They won’t prod me, huff and puff or try to roll me to the side of the bed. Or better still, (for them) off the bed all together. The reason? There’s no one there. No one. Just me.

5. I can leave food in the fridge to grow legs if that’s what I wish to do. If a once healthy vegetable has miraculously managed to buy itself a fur coat – I don’t need to feel inadequate or a failure as a woman. Now, I’ve lived with a couple of men who have been proactive and split the household duties with me. And still, when something is secretly rotting in the back of the fridge ( because its been forgotten about) and they bring it to my attention, why is it with an accusatory tone? Why do I still feel guilty regardless that there are two adults in the house who share responsibility for keeping everything in order?

6. I can be generally as untidy as I wish. I don’t have to dust every few days ( or however often one is supposed to dust). I don’t have to keep all my clothes tidily in my wardrobe. I don’t actually have to do anything except keep myself clean ( that’s pleasurable, not a chore) and make sure I look beautiful every day , oh, and give good head. That soon shuts them up.

7. I can graze on food. I don’t have to have a ‘proper’ meal every goddam day. I don’t have to feel as though I am failing my partner if I don’t cook at least 3 times a week or that I’m being excessive or lazy if I eat out the same amount. At home alone I can nibble, snack and leave the washing up until....well, whenever I feel like doing it.

Reasons for living with someone.

1. Sometimes they do the cooking. I can sit back , try to break wind silently and wait for the magic words: ‘Ooh I need to let it stand for 2 minutes before I zap it again to make sure that it’s really hot’. Wonderful.

2. They will help tidy the flat and keep everything in order. At least this way I am not left to do everything. I just need to remember that picking up towels which can be found literally anywhere in the house is always my job.

3. Some times the guy will hand me my phone when it’s ringing and tell me that it’s a ‘friend’.
“Ok fine. Just leave it. I’m not going to talk to them now” I’ll say, then I can nestle my head back in his lap while I continue watching TV with a full tummy and warm glow.
“Why don't’ you want to speak to her? She’s your friend”
“I know she is” Well, she’s actually an acquaintance, I’m thinking, but I can’t be bothered to go into all that.
“Speak to her then.”
“Just put the phone down babe. I’m comfy and I can’t be bothered right now.”
He then tuts and goes back to stroking my hair and we lie there for the rest of the evening in silence, knowing that if either of us really wants to speak to someone, we’ve got each other .... ahhh...

4. Sometimes it’ll be cold in bed and we can both lie in the middle of it without either party complaining.

5. *It’s nice to share ones life, enjoyments, loves, passions, hopes, human-ness with another person. That is when i feel most alive; sharing my thoughts, feelings and being offered the gift of theirs too.

6. You’re in it together. In what? Well, I would hope pretty much everything. See above*

7. Daily kisses and cuddles. Not sex, necessarily. That daily physical connection, or even just physical contact can only be healthy. Particularly if there is a connection and it’s reciprocated. A baby does not grow up emotionally healthy, and apparently they often have learning difficulties if they are not given lots of cuddles.

Cuddles matter. Cuddles rule. I love cuddle. Cuddle R US.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

dinner with le Agent Provocateur

So – just got home from dinner with le agent provocateur. AKA the agent to yous.
She’s lovely. Really nice. I like her. She’s open (she needs to be working with me!), interesting and friendly, yet sharp. I like that.
We went to a gorgeous restaurant where we ate Kangaroo, frogs legs, and Lovebug salad - salad with delicious crispy lightly fried bugs, which were once alive, but no longer, sprinkled on top.
I kid you not amigos – that’s what we ate and it was damn fine fare too.Kangaroo is like steak. Have you had it? Yummy! I was a virgin until tonight. But I’ll definitely be going back for not-so-sloppy-seconds.
Have you noticed how everyone says that most unusual food tastes like chicken?

Chickens must be insulted to be considered so generic. But this, this wasn’t, it was rich and dense just like sirloin beef. Scrummy yum yum! ( or is that scrummy bum bum?? I'm not obsessed, really Im not. I'm just teasing...)

I managed to talk with her and leave Blue’s anus out of it. It didn’t pop into my head until around 10pm when I got a text from him saying some very naughty things. I rushed to the loo. For a piddle not a wank, and I text him back telling him how turned on his text had made me feel. He’s a naughty, naughty one is that Blue.

So, after we ate I walked to the train station with the signed contract from the publishing house,. I did my signing bit a few days ago and got that witnessed – they then had to do their bit, making the whole thing legally binding and very real. My Hooked, the baby I have nurtured over the past 20 months now officially belongs to the publishers and my ass is theirs too.; as long as Blue can watch – I don’t see that there will be a problem.
Blummin’ eck! Things are happening... I just don’t want to start feeling lost now I don’t have the book to work on. I can barely bring myself to read through it incase I see any errors. Altho I may just have a little read. I find it difficult to read it in the same way as you may do though. I’m too close to it. I’m too critical. Of what I hear you ask? Exactly. It’s perfect. Critical of what indeed. I’m joking. There is no such thing as perfection is there? Actually maybe there is. Maybe something can be perfect even for a moment at the right time...

Anyway, too late for philosophy and the great questions of life, it's bed time.

It’s squealing again... I can hear it. Listen. That sound... it’s my bed calling my name.
Night night.