Sunday, 13 September 2009

Life & its Tedium.

Life – it’s odd, no? Yep, it's a very peculiar thing indeed. I sometimes wonder what the point of it is?
Oh dear... While you’re reading this please don’t think that I am feeling depressed – I’m not. I’m feeling quite indifferent and matter of fact and resolute about this whole long exercise in keeping sane, called life.

I’ve been trying to avoid working on UnHooked all day long, and I’ve done pretty well so far. My current procrastination technique is this blog. And writing it.
This will enable me to avoid the second book for a while longer..

Other avoidance tricks I’ve used today:
I’ve slept. I went out. Finally, I paid the hairdresser whom I couldn’t pay last week because my bank card was stopped, remember?
Got my beloved i-pod back, which I insisted that the salon took as assurance that I would come back to pay them for the cut I was unable to pay on that day. I did that – came home, ate, watched some crime stuff on TV, faffed around, straightened my hair and now I’m here with yous.

After this I will continue with a list I have been writing of the things that I need to do over the next 7 days...
Detailed lists I find very helpful to get me organised. If I don’t know what I’m doing day to day, I end up drifting. I hate that. Time passes and I can spend an inordinate amount of it doing bugger all. Not that when I am doing something I’m doing anything which is particularly interesting to man or beast, but it's all about small things that I need to do for me. To convince myself that I am worthwhile and that I am participating... God, that actually sounds as though I AM depressed. I'm not! It's just my manner. Just my humour.
I guess I could persuade myself that these inane things that I do are there so I can keep my finger in the literary-world-domination-plan pie.
Hmmm... indeed.
So about this list I am writing; all these things are, well, that’s exactly it, what are they?
They are insignificant in many respects. They are tedious but they make up a part of my life.

My life, as with so many other people’s is basic - up, work, eat, home, internet/tv, eat, sleep...

Break it down to the bare bones and that is it. Not much at all. Thank God we have minds to paint things more interesting.
I guess bare-boning something (and no, I'm not being rude)makes it feel somehow rubbish, eh?
Take a game of cricket - basically a few men standing around a patch of green grass, hoping to catch a ball, but I've been told that there's more to it than that.

So Mon Cherrys somewhere amongst this I am supposed to find appreciation for having this opportunity to mechanically go through these motions, right?
Gratitude to God for giving me this chance at life.
I do believe in God.And yes, I am grateful - but it'd be handy if he gave a more clear reason why we need to do this.

* Just made a cuppa and was thinking *

... I suppose my life exists as does yours through a series of events.
I'm not talking birds and bees! What I mean is, every person that is alive is keeping a constant chain of events flowing, which we all contribute in and we all call it life. And we're all a part of it.

The food I eat – someone has bought the land and the seeds, someone else has plucked it from the ground, or packaged it, whatever... someone else owns the transportation and there is a driver who has taken it to my local supermarket. Someone in that supermarket has ordered that produce and someone else has placed in on a shelf which someone else has cleaned at some point. I then pay for it by giving money that someone in the bank has placed into the ATM machine and I give my card to a cashier... blah, blah...
Weird eh? Very obvious - but still, I find it strangely comforting. Other people exist because I do. I exist because of other people.

Somehow, seeing life like this makes everything seem more important and worthwhile. We all need each other to continue to survive.

I guess that’s why when I do the things that seem tedious and a pain in the ass to bother with – they too set off a chain of events in my own life...

Say, if I don’t upgrade my Networked blogs thing on Facebook – then I can’t send emails to readers. If I can't do that then I cannot begin a more intimate dialogue with each reader. And if I don’t do that then people get bored and can’t be bothered. And why should they be? If seemingly I can’t be...

However small or large – things begin – things end – things change – and things rarely stay the same.

At least not in my life. Not really. There is very little that is consistent. A huge part of me craves consistency. Another, more rebellious part relishes not always knowing - but I’ve lived with constant inconsistency for so long that I’d like to try some stability, and see how I like it..

Blue and I are finnished. He finnished yesterday. It's much easier for me to accept since it is his decision. I prefer something to end by the man ending it. It exempts me of responsibility.

That's rubbish? sue me.

I find it very hard to make that decision myself and to carry the weight of inflicting hurt onto another person. I tend to think that the complexities of the reasons for something are often unimportant and I try to focus on what is in front of me and what is infront of me is that he doesn’t want to be with me.
I want to be with him, still, but there we are. We're not.

If I accept what is right under my nose in my life without fighting (unless, of course, I am literally under attack) then by my estimations I should be able to plod on without adding pain to a process which is always hurtful.
I asked if he was certain. He said he was.

I’ve suffered enough in my short life and in recent times I suffered when I lost my job, then Dee and I broke up. I think I took that so badly because I had to accept that I was hurting him and I hate the idea of doing that to someone, especially that I care about.
I had wanted Dee to end it – but he always refused. He never would. He made me make the decision which was hellish despite feeling that is wasn't right that Dee and I be together.

I suppose Blue ending this is just another twist and turn of life.

Things begin – things end- things change – and things rarely stay the same.