Sunday, 30 May 2010

Banoffee Pie & me.

watch those lips move! the link below is how I was feeling earlier when I ate my Banoffee pie with cream! y.u.m.m.y

Friday, 28 May 2010


The past couple of days have been weird. A bit odd. I'll tell you something that happened to me yesterday, and had I been able to get online last night I’d have told you then.
Unusual things happen in life which are sometimes, funny, embarrassing, farcical, and really, really uncomfortable. The event of yesterday, for me, was mortifying. Let’s add that to our list of event ‘mortifying’.

There I was yesterday sitting quietly minding my own business when 2 guys walked into the office where I work. I know one of them – he’s been in before. He’s friendly and chatty so we chatted. The other guy I didn’t know, and I ignored him ‘cos he was incessantly staring at me. I wouldnt’ even look at him.
I hate men behaving like that, It’s creepy and annoying. I wouldn’t have minded so much if he’d been attractive, but he was actually not one little bit handsome. Not at all.
Anyway – they sat for maybe 15 minutes waiting to go into a meeting then the one I know said to me – are you from blah,, blah...
“Err, yes, how do you know?” I asked, thinking it a bit odd. How’d he know?!
Then the other guy – the staring one started grinning and said ‘You don’t remember do you Clare?’ My heart rate went up a little. For a second I didn’t remember a damn thing – and then – FUCK – I vaguely remembered:
I’d slept with him, years ago – when I was a fucked outta my head.


But that was then – this is now. And today, it ain’t gonna happen.

By the way: Am on BBC London radio ce soir, on the legendary Jo Good Show. Yiippee!!

Sunday, 23 May 2010

the perfect man - hung like a horse.

I'm really going to try to write a post here every day this week. I've been a little absent lately, and I'm sorry for this. If you look throughout the history of this blog - every couple of months there is an apologetic post such as this one referring to my 'absence'. I just can't do everything. I know you're not asking me to but I feel as though I am not keeping to my side of the bargain when I don't write daily or when I don't reply to messages.
"Clare, you need to try to let go of your guilt complex" a friend of mine from work said to me on friday night when we went out for my birthday.
Fuck! Am I so transparent?
Ooops. Well, the lady is very perceptive, so I'm guessing she made her comment coming from a intuitive perception of people, and it's not because I'm so bloody easily read. Hell, no. It can't be that I declare who I am all the time ... * ahem*

So, many thanks for your delightful birthday wishes. So sweet. So thoughtful. Honestly this kind of thought makes me wanna cry. If you have read Hooked you may understand me a little better now, about why I respond to certain things such as kindness in the way that I do. And why I am intolerant and very verbal about cruelty.
Anyway, back to it - at work for my birthday I was bought some tres chic perfume, Molton Brown scented shower get and body lotion, some sweeties,and mini blow up plastic 'perfect' man by some of the girls. The blow up plastic perfect man, doesn't answer back; he has gifts in both hands and he's hung like a horse.
Well, the actually figurine isn't - I've just added that final bit ad-lib. Tmrw I'm going out with some of the girls for lunch time... and wednesday I'm going out with two of the others. God, they're so sweet. It's really lovely. I feel touched.

So, talking of the male doll being 'hung like a horse' - I haven't had any physical for ages and it's getting rather annoying. I'm in a funny place right now. Since Blue, I just don't want random sex. If you remember about a year ago I made a clean cut from my past couple of sex-buddies. I made my decision not to bother with empty sex just for some instant gratification. Once I'd made that decision that was it. I'm pretty good at sticking to something once I've made my mind up. So, now I'm in this bizarre situation where I don't feel fit to be in a relationship, yet I'd like some sex, but I don't want it with a 'friend' and most certainly it's not going to happen with a stranger. I'm hardly going to go out and go back to some random bloke's house. I've had one sober one night stand since getting clean and that was a delicious delight - about a year after I'd left rehab. But I reckon part of that was to see if I could actually do that, sober.
I did, then. But today 5 years on. I am a different woman and thankfully I understood even then that that had been more of an experiment and it certainly is not something I want to turn into a habit. To change ones life can not be done by the person picking bits here and there that they wish to change but acting out in others when it suits. It's the whole package that must change. ALL behaviours, not just some and consistency is paramount.

What gorgeous day today! Viva sunshine, love, and friendship! I went to a green near me to read in the sun and get a little golden hue. L. popped by with a friend and kindly splashed me with a Frappucino., which made me jump and laugh at the same time. We're Sooo wild like that me and her.

Catch you tomorrow.

will have some goss for ya tomorrow... not saying any more just yet.


The Lady Jill Scott:

Watching as he took the holder off his shoulder
Fire in his eyes,hands getting bolder
Growing excited
Dug him for his bank account,but really for
his private
Damn about a mindset
Really wasn't into that
Needed me some pleasing,jon looking real fat
Laidback was his foreplay
All that was needed,needed was some of that
Started simple
Massaging on my temple
Pinching on my mountain peaks
That a sisters into
I responded,"Mmmmm."
You like the sound,I like makin'it more
I fell for the rock and shore
Enough,he brought it close so I could really see
Up close he slid between my breast
Sweaty with lust and sweat

Rode Mt.Saint Scott 'til ooooo
Creamy lava landed on my skin and neck
Blended with my all day Chanel scent
This freaking was incredulent,decadent
Flip side,stomach meets sheets
He plows inside as if he's making beats
As if this year's harvest depended on it
Bendin'on it
Back on my back old fashioned is renewed
Red toenail polish on whitewalls
Documenting this freaking,ahhhhh
I must...
To thank him...
I take charge of ship
Moving with my back and my hips
Like my ancestors did
Speaking the Bantu,Ranga and tonga??
But I've gotta stop all that to make it longer,
But it's too late
I put him to sleep
Curled all up,spasm all in his feet
Feeling all proud like I did something deep
Aint really nothin'it's the way that it be
North Philly sister repin'hard like me
But why do I feel so empty?

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

doughnuts and getting old ...

Well, I’m sitting here at work after eating 2 doughnuts and thinking whether it would be very wrong of me to have one more. We had Krispy Cremes brought to work because the whole of the computer system is down – except Word, it seems! Hooray!

I’m so friggin’ bored. I can’t be bothered to chat which is what most people want to do in these situations. I can do grinning inanely and dishing out the odd yay and nay here and there but if I’m not in the mood, I find it really tricky. Today, so far, I’m not in the mood. I’m not in a grumpy mood – I just can't be arsed to talk. That’s very normal for me; especially when each evening this week I am not getting any time to myself. None. It’s not usual and I find it quite stressful. I’ve found myself after work thrust into situations where I am talking shit-loads, for the majority of the evening. Take last night – although last night was very rewarding – I talked with an editor about my second book for bloody yonks and I didn’t get home until 11pm. Tonight I’m meeting a friend for dinner, tomorrow I’m taking the mentee out. Friday it’s my birthday. I will officially be old. Although as I said to my friends – I don’t have grey pubes so I guess I have little to worry about.

My main concern right now, apart from being sex-less for, err..... too long! Is still, whether I should get a third doughnut or not. Similar to a drug addiction, I fear the only way to shut up my current obsession with ringed doughnuts is to indulge. Just one more.... and then I’ll leave them alone.. honestly. There’s loads left. I’ll just have one more solitary doughnut which is looking for a snug home in my tummy...

Saturday, 15 May 2010

today I saw My Popsy

Question: When were computers invented? Well, if you imagine a computer that was created approximately 80-100 years before the very first ones were being tested, then you will get an idea of the type of archaic device that I am currently using.
It's old and slow, so slow in fact it doesn't finish writing my words until a few seconds after I've stopped tap tapping them ... And no, it's not cos this is the type of equipemnt used in Yorkshire, thank you! There is broadband and we do have sexy lap tops up here too. Just not in this house, it seems. That's OK.

Hello from the deepest darkest parts of Yorkshire... I'm here staying with a friend for the weekend to escape London and to see my Pops.
I met Mon Pere and my step-ma today for lunch today. I wasn't sure how it would be, since they have now seen the book and read the back cover.

Well, when I met them they seemed all right. We went to a nice restaurant and everything was chirpy. In fact, it continued to be so throughout lunch and even when the wine kicked in (with them, of course, not me) the only tense moment was when Step-mother said a snipy comment. Nothing to do with the book but refering to the past and my relationship with my dad.
It was very odd for her to say what she did and I ignored her. At least I ignored her long enough to cause enough embarassment to ensure that she realised that what she'd said was completely out of order. Dad was silent. He usually is in these situations.
He had hold of my hand, which is a huge development, and he squeezed it gently when his wife dropped her calous comment.

I could blab on about what it was that she'd said and I could certainly have expressed my shock when she said it, but I didn't and I won't.
Integrity means a lot to me and I've got a good idea how best to deal with certain people, and with my step-ma today - me saying nothing just highlighted the idiocy of her comment and that was enough.
Oh well...
So, to cut this story short: lunch as a whole went well. I gave them a copy of Hooked which they have agreed that they will not read. Good call. They were banding it around in the restaurant to anyone that would listen! That embarassed me and made me laugh.
They showed our waitress, then some bloke collered my Popsy when he went to the loo (of all places) and said: 'Are you the father of the girl who wrote the book, Hooked?' I thought daddy was winding me up when he told me this. The guy had been told by our waitress, it seems! Dad loved this! He's clearly pleased with me, which is everything.

We then went to WHSmith where they (Mr & Mrs Gee) shuffled the book into a more visable place. Cripes. I really wanted us to leave at that point.
And then they told the manager to 'Make sure it sells! That's our daughter'.... Ahh, very cute! And What the hell ? Is it only me who cringes about the fact that it clearly states ' CALL GIRL' on the front of it?? Well, well, well .... it seems that way.
I live and learn every damn day. Life is an intruige. People fascinate me. Surprises are at every corner.

Don't get me wrong - Dad is not proud of the heading. Not at all. He is/was worried about repurcussions it has for my future. But that, I hope is in my hands. And as far as a future relationship goes any man would need to know everything about me. It's better that way. I can't live in secrecy ever again.
I know why I wrote Hooked, and my reasons are honourable. So my friends, negative judgments must remain the other person's issue. It is not they that will cast the last stone. And when all this is over; when we move on from this life - we will all turn into the same dust. And then it will be useless trying to point the finger then - cos we won't have any. So there!

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Last night I went on a date.

Hello – I haven’t been here for a few days. You know why? Yep,‘cos my head’s been up my bottom! The past days have been an odd period of instability over here, in this bizarre vortex that I call my life. Fuck.
So, you all know that my book was published? And you know about the radio interviews etc. Well, I’m not breathing another word about it ( for now.) It’s out there. Y’all know it is, so, ce ca.

I’ve heard and spoken so much about it during the past few days and I’ve experienced so many mixed emotions that I’m bloody worn out.

OK, here’s a smidgen of gossip for ya:
I went out last night... err, with a guy. He took me to a Lebanese restaurant and we had a great night. Well, it was good - but he talked, and talked and talked. He’s very passionate about life and his ambitions, dreams, everything. I’d certainly give him credit though, he’s interesting. But you know something, amigos? This guy showed me how intense I must come across sometimes to other people.
I’ve realised that all I want is a little physical contact, kissy kissy, sniffy sniffy. You know, that primal stuff. I want to feel the heat of another body. But! But! But! For sure, I am not fit to be in a relationship...

I feel a bit paranoid writing this, ya know. Silly I know. But I’d blumming keel over with embarrassment if the guy read this. I decided after listing to him talking at length that he would potentially be a bit needy, and I just can’t handle feeling any sense of romantic responsibility towards a bloke right now. I can’t do it. He's really nice, he is, but since I left him he's called me a few time, although I've only picked up twice and we've exchanged a few texts. At the moment, my priority is being the best friend I can be, and the only man I am willing to make an effort with for the moment is my daddy.
I’m going to see him tomorrow. I’m going north for the weekend and I can’t wait. I need a break. I need to get outta dodge for a few days.

I met with the girl who I am mentoring earlier this evening. She’s really lovely.
I’m excited about being there for her, if she wants me to be. It’s gonna be good, I can feel it.

I survived.

I just got this email from a friend:

"There was a time especially during the last few chapters of HOOKED that I was feeling very tense and just wishing you could see sense and come out of this shit. Then I thought hold up she did. And she is still OK, because I had lunch with her 3 weeks ago. "

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Do yourself a favour..

All you need in your life right now :

copy and paste this and you'll see what I'm talking about...

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Late Last Night

Gosh! What a few days. I can't really pin point how I'm feeling. I think the best way to describe it would be: Take a sharp breath inward, then blow out slowly and forcefully... Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's right...

So, last night I went on Jo Good's Late radio show on BBC London. The best way to describe how I was feeling last night, before the show, would be to say that I was crapping myself. I had no need to though ... the lady is a lady. Put me instantly at ease, she's cool and worldly. I like that. I like women who have their shit together and who are open minded, intelligent, compassionate and with a little naughty side. I hope if the legendary Ms Good reads this - which would make me laugh if she did, (she's read bits of this blog much to my horror and amusement) then I hope she will take my words as complimentary.

So, last night was fun. No - not that kind of fun. I wish! I'm talking about being on the radio dhalrings! heheee...
This is new and exciting and I'm enjoying it. I slept well once I was home and woke today feeling great. This lasted approximately 2.5 hours - and then I got a text from a friend telling me that I am in Cosmopolitan; two pages.

OK, I knew I would be, but I expected it to be out until next week. Despite there only being a few days in it, this news strangely put me into a nervous spin and I suddenly felt really exposed. I walked down the street feeling very Arrgh! to go and buy a copy.
It's nuts, I know, and part of me wishes that I was in a loving relationship so I could share all this stuff with a partner. But as I well know, sadly, if I was in a relationship it would take primary place in my thinking and I wouldn't be processing what is going on right now. Part of this whole exercise, for me, is to face my past head-on without fear or shame. Hmmm... the shame part of this is still a tricky hurdle for me to deal with; but as I say time and again amigos - time tells all.

I have realised that since HOOKED has been in my life (2 years) I have constantly been working towards its publication. And now..? Well, now, it's out there. And now..? Well, now, it's time to see what happens around the next corner.

Cripes! 'Tell me what I shall find oh Wise Oracle...' No, don't actually! Even if I could know - would I want to? Nah, only if I was about to win a zillion quid, then it'd be good to know, at least then I could plan a great expedition back to Zambia to try and find mummy. But since I haven't won a load of squids that will have to wait.

Just watched the film An Education - Just my type of film. Loved it. Bravo!

love this...

Love this!

Friday, 7 May 2010

the Bubble has Burst.

Hello,hello .... gosh what a strange and exciting few days.
First I want to thank each one of you for your continued support over the past year, with my blog and my habitually talking about my book.

So, I'm gonna tell you something and I kinda wish I wasn't about to say this - but .... I feel a little down. A little lonely, vulnerable, tired.

The days leading up to the publication of HOOKED, hell, the weeks - I was elated. I think this may be the down period after the high. I don't feel like crying, its not like that. I feel quiet and a bit on edge. I'm worried about going into work on Monday cos they now all know about the content of the book. My step-ma is with me, but I don't know about daddy. He sounded subdued on the phone yesterday. That troubles me. In fact I will phone them in a minute...

* OH, MY GOD, as I wrote that - they just called me! they're all right. Happy even... it's clearly just me who is not a 100% today.*

I feel alone, despite my friends closing in and being totally supportive, texting, and phoning me throughout the day, yet I feel a little isolated. I almost feel as though I'm on a fence and could go more than 2 ways...I don't know what's happening to be truthful. Maybe I'm just tired. I'm sure it's that.

Earlier today I had 2 radio interviews and this evening I have a live one. The two earlier ones went well. Was a bag of nerves before hand but loved it when I was in the studio and absolutely walking on air when I walked out.
Fun! I hope this evening's show is as friendly.

I'm going to get into the bath now. Try and relax before the car comes and picks me up to take me to this interview. Crumbs!
It's all a bit odd ... odd, funny and well, just peculiar.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

sex, sex, & more sex .. ( made you look!)

Right mon cherrys it won't be too long before I stop banging on about the fact that... (excuse me while I scream it out loud ) - MY FUCKING BOOK IS IN THE SHOPS TOMORROW !!!
said it.
feel much better now.

Just wanna keep this simple. (Me? Keeping something simple??!!!)
I'm excited, nervous and I'm actually buzzing as though I've been sniffing coke - and don't even ask me if I have been.
My head's not fully together. Jesus H, who needs drugs when you can feel this elated and all-over-the-place, without them.
I can t recall a time when I've been this excited (without the aid of narcotics), ever. And even that was only ever short lived. Moments, minutes if I was lucky. And I was taking enough and the right stuff, before you start... That's why it all got so out of control. I was always attempting to make those moments last hours, days, whatever...
But you'll read about all this in HOOKED - which I'm not sure if I've mentioned is in your high street book shops tomorrow!!!!

*Excuse me*

I barely slept last night. But I must have done, 'cos I dreamed about searching for a Waterstone's book shop, and I couldn't frigging find one, anywhere. There wasn't a single one in sight.
I woke up literally shaking.
Fear, fear, fear.... a constant irritant in my life.

Tomorrow, I have a VERY important photo shoot dharlings! I really dislike that stuff. It's not me.
Then I'm taking my agent - (listen to me MY AGENT !! hahaa!) for a sexy lunch in a tres fancy restaurant to say a big thank you to her for, well, being so passionate about my work and for being simply fabulous. Not in a lovie way - in a decent, honest professional and friendly manner.

After lunch (or before if I have my way) I'm gonna trawl around loadsa book shops, loitering with intent. I will try to be casual and discreet while hanging around the area where HOOKED will be sitting - and if anyone comes within 20 yards of the book, I'm gonna grab them, and tell them 'Look at this! I wrote this fucking book!' and I will raise it above my head victorious.
You'll be pleased to hear that after the next few days (I was gonna say after tomorrow, but that would be a lie) I will calm the hell down and move on from my constant whittle. Is that even a word?? I think it is. Well, It is now.

OK,I just wanna thank you soo, so much for your support and for allowing me to be the Clare that I am today, and not to feel shame about who I became all those years ago.
I also want to thank my father, my agent, my goldfish, God .... and ....

Monday, 3 May 2010

Beck - Loser

love this! pls copy and paste!

very disapointed about one of the lines, though...I thought it said:
"Taking all your 4th Step and burn it down at Central Park."
Nope - it seems it is:
"Savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park"

see below.

Lyrics - Beck, Loser.
In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and i'm out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control
Baby's in reno with the vitamin d
Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat
Someone came in sayin' i'm insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Don't believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park

Yo. cut it

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

(Double barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Forces of evil on a bozo nightmare
Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
'Cuz one's got a weasel and the other's got a flag
One's on the pole, shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job
The daytime crap of the folksinger slob
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it's hangin' from a pigeon wing
You can't write if you can't relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax fallin' on a termite
Who's chokin' on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
(Get crazy with the cheese whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
(Drive-by body-pierce)
(Yo bring it on down)

?Em llik uoy t'nod yhw os ,ybab resol a m'i rodedrep nu yos
[You can hear hear it if you reverse it.]

(I'm a driver, i'm a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
(I can't believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
(Sprechen sie deutsch hier, baby!)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
(Know what i'm sayin'? )

fears, friends and family.

It seems that my step-brother has read this on Amazon:

" HOOKED is a story of survival.
You will enter the mind of a cocaine-addicted call girl; conflicting thoughts, fears and flagrant disregard of social convention.
Clare Gee does not hold back when explaining how her destructive compulsions manifested themselves, and the enduring emotional and physical effects these had not only on her own life but that of her friends and family.
HOOKED is a brutal and honest account of a life of drugs use, alcoholism and 'high class' prostitution in London.

This book is not a glamourisation about a morbid lifestyle, it is a bold and moving depiction of love, loss and emotional chaos which resulted in bigamy.
After a period of time in a residential rehabilitation facility the author has rebuilt every aspect of her life. She has been drug and alcohol free for six years.
Clare Gee is 31 years old and HOOKED is her story ...
Don't judge this book by its cover.
Brace yourself. "

And now my father and step-ma would like a copy. I knew I'd have to face this at some point. I'm scared.


Right - so I've told them I'll send them one. They can either read it or not, as I suggested they don't.
It's not the drugs use I'm concerned about. It's the prostitution and the comments I've made in the book about the break down of our relationship that bother me. My dad is ultra sensitive. They both are. I certainly haven't pointed any fingers - I've had too much therapy over the years to lay any type of blame at the door of any one other than myself for my past misdemeanours. But just telling factual bits and pieces will, no doubt upset them greatly. I once wrote something for The Guardian which was only complimentary about my dad and he didn't speak to me for 8 months afterwards.
He believes in total privacy in life, and altho I didn't mention his name he was sufficiently angry with me to cut me off. Not a peep from them.
That taught me a lesson: This is my life and I must live it for me in the best way possible. Of course showing kindess and consideration for people close to me, but I can no longer live in the shadow of fearing my father's disapproval.

I will never slate him. He is and was an incredibly good father whom I adore and he loves me. But tell my story, I must. And face any consequences, I must do that too. I realise what this book could potentially mean for our relationship. It wouldn't surprise me if daddy cuts me off all together. For good. He is capable. Evidence shows me that. Although I won't go into this.

If he cut me out of his life completely that would be bitterly sad, but not wholly surprising. I can only pray that he will be humble enough to allow me this cleansing process and cast his personal feelings to one side. I'm really not sure if that will happen but we shall see...

Just a few more days to go!

L, my friend who stopped talking to me seems to be talking to me once more. I'm thrilled. I love her and I hurt her by being an unreliable friend.
I've never been good at personal relationships it seems. It's a pity cos I have so much to give, but clearly I have a problem with maintaining them. Maybe one day I'll learn better. But for now, I can only try. That's all I can do with anything, right? Just try...

I've got an exciting few days, (hopefully weeks) ahead. And you know the icing on my cake? I've finally been placed with a young woman to mentor. I'm so bloody excited to meet her. It seems that life is good right now and if I can bring even a little sunshine to this teenager who is afraid, lonely and isolated from her family - then I am doing something that no amount of stroppiness from my family (with regards the book)can spoil.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

No other word for it but, 'Soul'.

if you're not feeling this, you must be made of stone. fact.

Hooked review

there is a review of my book, HOOKED which is published on Thursday May 6th in today's News of the World, page 67.

exciting stuff!

Oh, and check this out....

Saturday, 1 May 2010

The answers to THOSE questions.

The answers to the 10 questions that could have won you un booke..

1. What is the actual publication date of Hooked? If you didn’t know this... tut tut - May 6th.

2. Missy is not my real name – what is my real name? Clurr, in Yorkshire. Clare in every other language.

3. What is the name of my boyfriend before Blue? Dee

4. What were the main drugs that I abused ? Alcohol and ... Cocaine, charlie, sniff, powder, nose bag... can't think of any other terms for it.

5. What do I think about most other than writing? Darning socks... Oh and ‘stuff.’ Sex, friends, my dad, the future.

6. What is the toy that I couldn’t use recently because the batteries had died? My bunny, of course!

7. When did I stop using drugs? 1 year ago or 6 years ago? Definitely the latter.

8. What colour is my hair? Where do I start? It’s dark brown but currently has shades of light brown & golden highlights. I sound like such a dork! ‘golden highlights.’

9. Is Hooked my first or fourth book? First! First! First!

10. How good in bed am I ? Marks out of 10 ... Am I 10 out of 10? or 11 out of 10? That’s for me to know, and you to...