Monday, 3 May 2010

fears, friends and family.

It seems that my step-brother has read this on Amazon:

" HOOKED is a story of survival.
You will enter the mind of a cocaine-addicted call girl; conflicting thoughts, fears and flagrant disregard of social convention.
Clare Gee does not hold back when explaining how her destructive compulsions manifested themselves, and the enduring emotional and physical effects these had not only on her own life but that of her friends and family.
HOOKED is a brutal and honest account of a life of drugs use, alcoholism and 'high class' prostitution in London.

This book is not a glamourisation about a morbid lifestyle, it is a bold and moving depiction of love, loss and emotional chaos which resulted in bigamy.
After a period of time in a residential rehabilitation facility the author has rebuilt every aspect of her life. She has been drug and alcohol free for six years.
Clare Gee is 31 years old and HOOKED is her story ...
Don't judge this book by its cover.
Brace yourself. "

And now my father and step-ma would like a copy. I knew I'd have to face this at some point. I'm scared.


Right - so I've told them I'll send them one. They can either read it or not, as I suggested they don't.
It's not the drugs use I'm concerned about. It's the prostitution and the comments I've made in the book about the break down of our relationship that bother me. My dad is ultra sensitive. They both are. I certainly haven't pointed any fingers - I've had too much therapy over the years to lay any type of blame at the door of any one other than myself for my past misdemeanours. But just telling factual bits and pieces will, no doubt upset them greatly. I once wrote something for The Guardian which was only complimentary about my dad and he didn't speak to me for 8 months afterwards.
He believes in total privacy in life, and altho I didn't mention his name he was sufficiently angry with me to cut me off. Not a peep from them.
That taught me a lesson: This is my life and I must live it for me in the best way possible. Of course showing kindess and consideration for people close to me, but I can no longer live in the shadow of fearing my father's disapproval.

I will never slate him. He is and was an incredibly good father whom I adore and he loves me. But tell my story, I must. And face any consequences, I must do that too. I realise what this book could potentially mean for our relationship. It wouldn't surprise me if daddy cuts me off all together. For good. He is capable. Evidence shows me that. Although I won't go into this.

If he cut me out of his life completely that would be bitterly sad, but not wholly surprising. I can only pray that he will be humble enough to allow me this cleansing process and cast his personal feelings to one side. I'm really not sure if that will happen but we shall see...

Just a few more days to go!

L, my friend who stopped talking to me seems to be talking to me once more. I'm thrilled. I love her and I hurt her by being an unreliable friend.
I've never been good at personal relationships it seems. It's a pity cos I have so much to give, but clearly I have a problem with maintaining them. Maybe one day I'll learn better. But for now, I can only try. That's all I can do with anything, right? Just try...

I've got an exciting few days, (hopefully weeks) ahead. And you know the icing on my cake? I've finally been placed with a young woman to mentor. I'm so bloody excited to meet her. It seems that life is good right now and if I can bring even a little sunshine to this teenager who is afraid, lonely and isolated from her family - then I am doing something that no amount of stroppiness from my family (with regards the book)can spoil.