Monday, 22 February 2010

depression is not shameful.

Hello! Hello! How are you? I feel as though I’ve been really lazy recently. With regards to writing posts anyway. You see, the thing is I’ve been really active after work, meeting people (some people would call this ‘having meetings’) about things that I am trying to do with regards my future. Some people would call this ‘discussing projects’. I feel a cock using either of those expressions.

Amongst other things I’ve been to meet with a few charities over the past 2 weeks, to decide which one I’d be most suited to volunteer for. I told you about the mentoring? Well, I’m definitely up for that! I’m not just waiting for my CRB check to come through and then I’ll meet the mentee...
Mentee is a weird word, eh? I thought it was made up when I first heard it. But no, apparently a mentor guides a mentee, so there amigos! Yep, it’s going to be good to offer a hand of kindness to a young woman that is struggling with life. If she wants to take it that is.
Hey, it’s not that I’m some sort of bloody life coach or anything, god, no! But I have seen a thing or fifty – felt more than I wish to have - and survived it all with a strong sense of integrity intact and many lessons learned. So as far as I’m concerned, if someone thinks I could be of benefit to another person who perhaps needs an ally in their camp – then I’m here.

Blue and I are back on track. We’re in love and showing each other again. I’m convinced the regularity of our up and down periods are too common for good health. People surely don’t go through such regular mood swings with a partner do they? If this really is the case – I’d rather be single. I would. I’ve been involved with Blue for 7 months now and there is an emotional pattern which is quite acute. It cannot be hidden.
I’m also convinced that My Blue is suffering from depression. You know something? Both Blue and I got clean of drugs and alcohol via the 12 Steps of Alcoholics/Narcotics Anonymous, and within that community there is a feeling that to accept prescribed medication from a doctor for such things as depression, is a cop-out. It’s paramount to a relapse. Ok, some of the literature suggests that it is acceptable – but the people within the rooms give you the feeling that this is wrong. To hell with that. Getting medication for depression was the best thing that I ever did to help myself (outside of rehab) It helped me to clamber onto life’s ladder. My only regret was that I didn’t do it sooner.
Don’t get me wrong, the 12 Steps saved me and helped me get the balls to face trying to construct a whole new life after rehab – but the negative feelings within the AA & NA meetings surrounding the use of prescription medication leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I understand that some people would abuse these drugs, then still claim to be clean and such claims would ruin the fabric of the whole institution of Alcoholics Anonymous and that would be wrong - so it's better to really try to put people off using them, but fuck! didn't I struggle already enough throughout my life?? Don't I deserve a fucking break?

Blue really struggles at times and is reluctant to get help from the doctor, so what am I meant to say? “ Go on sweetie, go get some pills down ya?” Of course not. No one can decide for someone else what the correct course of action is to treat their anxieties and dark periods. You can advise, give your thoughts, but enforce ones opinion? That’s not my style.
But today – there has been a turning point and I am filled with hope that Blue’s life will become a little more balanced – and in turn that means that mine will too.

Monday, 15 February 2010

gloomy days of love.

Hello... I hope y’all had a wonderful weekend full of love and laughter. If not both – at least one of those. I went to Cambridge with Blue. It was lovely but cold; very cold. I want to tell you that lots of sexy things went on, and of course we had sex – a fair bit of it – but it wasn’t overly naughty. In fact the mood I’ve been in – even the size of Blue’s willy has been annoying me a little. It’s big and some times I feel that it is ‘an effort’ to deal with it.
We tried the Bad Boy out and it wasn’t a huge thrill for either of us. It certainly wasn’t how I hoped it would be. My finger (s)seems to do a better job on him; but then again, maybe my boy just needs to get used to it. I don’t know and it’s not a big deal right now.

There is something wrong with me at the moment. I think it’s me and not Blue, but I can’t always be sure if I am absorbing some of his lack luster energy, then blaming myself for feeling poo - or if it is actually me who is a little down and waspish. Blue even said to me: ‘You’re not the same person that I’ve grown to know over the past 6 months Clare. I don’t know what’s going on’. I thought the problem (which had led him to say this) had been him. Seemingly not.
When I am feeling gloomy I usually search for a reason and I can easily forget that sometimes there isn’t neccessarily a reason for my feelings of misery and quietness. Sometimes I am sure that I feel subdued simply because it is part of the human condition, no?

Anyway the reasons I have decided could be contributing to my grouch are these:

•I am now on a very small amount of the anti-depressant that I have been taking for nearly 4 years.

•I have not had any time to myself for days. I’m used to spending time by myself and I think I’m feeling the strain of being around someone every day. I like to be alone, I need it. How do you deal with this when your fella, who is staying with you would feel insecure if I just came out with it and told him...

•I have been feeling very cold; unable to get warm for the past few days. Plus I’ve been continually really tired.

•Blue is feeling insecure about his living arrangements. He wants to get his own place and the deal was when he moved in here that it would only be for a short time. That wasn’t my suggestion it was his. But as the days ticked by I thought he’d kinda put this to one side. The first two weeks we were so happy I actually thought that maybe he would forget altogether about getting his own place and we’d settle into co-habitated bliss. Then he mentioned on Friday (after a tricky Thursday night together) that he needs to get cracking with his house search. That blew my bubble. And when my bubble gets blown, I withdraw. Childish as it may sound, that’s me.

•Finally I may be feeling grumpy cos I was pulled up at work last week for having ‘taken my foot off the gas’. Lacking concentration apparently. I’ve been trying to do my job, plus building an empire all at the same time. It can be draining. It takes energy and brain work and I’ve been failing at doing both, clearly. Things like this upset me. I hate being told that I’m not doing well. I’m a sensitive elf,I am...

I don’t want to slow down with my meager literary efforts. But it seems that I will have to in order to dedicate a couple of weeks at my 9-5 so I can buck my ideas up, and gain my bosses faith in my abilities again. This is annoying when all I want to do is work on my own thing - but don’t we all !? I can’t financially afford to yet. I could easily spend hours on doing my own thing. But then I wouldn’t have the structure that a day job gives me – and after my past I’m really quite enjoying the benefits of a 9-5. So actually, maybe I should stop bloody sulking and get focused, cos if I think I’m miserable now – I’d be near broken if they sacked me.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Leopards can change their spots.

Life is good right now. It’s such a pleasure for me to be able to say that. I never tire of it. It’s not as though heaps of stuff has happened – it hasn’t. Just things moving in the right direction – which is forward.

has gone to the printers.
I fucking did it! I am hugely proud of my achievement. I have a right to be – although I will not wallow in that. I cannot express to you how fucked I was when I was sniffing coke and abusing alcohol. You've seen the film Boogie Nights when the two women are sniffing coke in that hotel room and they get really messy? That was me, daily. I was the epitome of the coke-fiends that one sees in films. Not any more, mate! Hell no – from coke-whore to AUTHOR.
*Coughs* Well, it’s damn true....

Blue and I are getting on really well. It feels totally natural for him to be here. Seeing him daily is a joy. I think he feels the same way. I look forward to being around him. I like him. I enjoy his company. He’s a buddy as well as an incredible lover. He’s so tender, gentle, doe-eyed, yet he has had a life of awful emotional struggle. We understand each other without having to spell things out. We appreciate the same things. We both are very grateful for simplicity in our lives.
For example: Last night we were feeling really snug and satisfied about having things in reserve at home. I’ll explain... in the bathroom there are two tubes of toothpaste in the cupboard, two bubble baths, spare tooth brushes, 16 toilet rolls. In the kitchen there are 3 packets of fresh coffee, lots of unopened pasta, rice, amongst other things. Just stuff, you know.

We’re ‘growing up’ Blue said. Neither of us has lived with any organisation in our past lives. One day I may tell you his story. It’s worth hearing. Or better still, maybe he will tell you himself. He has had a hellova life, and I think what makes it more interesting is that you’d never think it on meeting him. He’s so well spoken, graceful, and modest.
I love his appreciation of small things, because I am the same. I need a man like that. I love that he views life from the same place I do. We’re both appreciative that our surroundings are warm. We have food, we have a working washing machine, we have hot water whenever we want a shower or bath which is usually twice a day for each of us. We have clean clothes, we have money to go for dinner or a film. We have toiletries (maybe too many considering my fetish for Boots the Chemist.) Humility has been drilled into both of us through our pasts.
Blue is tidy and that helps me to try to be a little more tidy. Not too much, mind... I’m naturally untidy and I don't mind it to be truthful. I don’t place my worth as a woman on my ability to ‘keep house’. It's more about the quality of the head I give.
Now if you believe that.......

Actually it’s not because Blue is tidy that encourages me to be more so – it’s that there is little room in the flat for two.
He looks after me does my Boy Blue. By that I mean, he checks on me. He strokes my hair and asks me if he can get me anything: a drink, a munch, a cuppa... He will run me a bath and wash my hair or rub my back. That is looking after me, in my book. We look after each other. I have my ‘taking care of my man’ thing finely tuned. I am well versed, well trained in the matter. It comes naturally to me. There was only daddy and me at home so I picked things up that were expected of me, which I’ve developed over the years and they have become a part of me. Plus I am naturally a nurturer. I learned very quickly how to look after someone; a man.

Oooo in this post it’s about we, we, we, we..... ahh.
I’m getting ready to go into town now. I’m going to meet my Saviour. The person I have dedicated my book to. The person that has been my constant throughout my life.
Gonna take him a copy of Hooked for him to read. He’s in it.

Ahhh,,,,, happy , happy times!

I hope you’re smiling too, my friends.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

going to BAFTA dhalings!

Well, I gotta admit, I’m shagged. In every sense of the word. Blue moved his stuff in yesterday. Or should I say part of his stuff. The rest is in storage. He’s here and I’m happy. I don’t know how long this will be for. I reckon probably about a month – but I’m not counting. The way I feel right now -I really don’t mind. One good thing that will come of this is that we will gain more trust in each other. I can feel it and so can he. Things are fantastic right now. We’re in love, and at the risk of sounding sickly - everything is rosey. I have no complaints.
I’ve worked out that we will not be spending most evenings together and of course during the day we’re doing our spearate things. So all in all we have a good chance of not getting under each other’s feet or up each other’s noses while this ‘living together’ spell lasts.

So, that’s that.

I’m feeling energised today despite being tired. By that, I mean, I am knackered physically but mentally I am rareing to go!
I had a meeting today with a producer, at BAFTA. Hahaa! Get me! BAFTA dharlings! Little me from a small quiet north Yorkshire town meeting a documentary producer at BAFTA. Those two words ‘me’, and ‘BAFTA’ (sorry I have to milk it!) don’t go in the same sentence without a huge amount of laughter. Whatever, anyway – I was there, innit! Yep, indeed I was shweedies. *coughs*
We met, we talked, I left. She emailed, we’ve arranged to meet again, hopefully on Thursday.
I won’t bang on about what this is about. Not yet. I hate counting my chicks before they hatch – ‘cos if I do, inevitably the chickens will be premature and the poor buggers will perish instantly.

I’m simply trying to get some stuff happening over here, in what I call my life, while I wait for the marketing of HOOKED to begin. Whatever the outcome of this/these meetings is not really the major issue. What I aim for is continual growth. And by that I mean always trying to be better. It’s massively important to me that I don’t feel stagnant. I don’t mean I can’t relax – I mean that I must have ideas, plans, and be willing and to try to execute those ideas.

Of course, I’d like the outcome to be a particular way – but I can orchestrate those events. Time tells all amigos does it not! I do not know what will happen tomorrow, never mind in a few weeks – I am not God. I cannot and will not even try to predict – those chicks must be given the best chance possible to turn into fully grown egg-bearing hens.
And if not – then maybe we could just slaughter one and eat it. That way we still benefit. Albeit the poor chicken is no more.