Monday, 15 February 2010

gloomy days of love.

Hello... I hope y’all had a wonderful weekend full of love and laughter. If not both – at least one of those. I went to Cambridge with Blue. It was lovely but cold; very cold. I want to tell you that lots of sexy things went on, and of course we had sex – a fair bit of it – but it wasn’t overly naughty. In fact the mood I’ve been in – even the size of Blue’s willy has been annoying me a little. It’s big and some times I feel that it is ‘an effort’ to deal with it.
We tried the Bad Boy out and it wasn’t a huge thrill for either of us. It certainly wasn’t how I hoped it would be. My finger (s)seems to do a better job on him; but then again, maybe my boy just needs to get used to it. I don’t know and it’s not a big deal right now.

There is something wrong with me at the moment. I think it’s me and not Blue, but I can’t always be sure if I am absorbing some of his lack luster energy, then blaming myself for feeling poo - or if it is actually me who is a little down and waspish. Blue even said to me: ‘You’re not the same person that I’ve grown to know over the past 6 months Clare. I don’t know what’s going on’. I thought the problem (which had led him to say this) had been him. Seemingly not.
When I am feeling gloomy I usually search for a reason and I can easily forget that sometimes there isn’t neccessarily a reason for my feelings of misery and quietness. Sometimes I am sure that I feel subdued simply because it is part of the human condition, no?

Anyway the reasons I have decided could be contributing to my grouch are these:

•I am now on a very small amount of the anti-depressant that I have been taking for nearly 4 years.

•I have not had any time to myself for days. I’m used to spending time by myself and I think I’m feeling the strain of being around someone every day. I like to be alone, I need it. How do you deal with this when your fella, who is staying with you would feel insecure if I just came out with it and told him...

•I have been feeling very cold; unable to get warm for the past few days. Plus I’ve been continually really tired.

•Blue is feeling insecure about his living arrangements. He wants to get his own place and the deal was when he moved in here that it would only be for a short time. That wasn’t my suggestion it was his. But as the days ticked by I thought he’d kinda put this to one side. The first two weeks we were so happy I actually thought that maybe he would forget altogether about getting his own place and we’d settle into co-habitated bliss. Then he mentioned on Friday (after a tricky Thursday night together) that he needs to get cracking with his house search. That blew my bubble. And when my bubble gets blown, I withdraw. Childish as it may sound, that’s me.

•Finally I may be feeling grumpy cos I was pulled up at work last week for having ‘taken my foot off the gas’. Lacking concentration apparently. I’ve been trying to do my job, plus building an empire all at the same time. It can be draining. It takes energy and brain work and I’ve been failing at doing both, clearly. Things like this upset me. I hate being told that I’m not doing well. I’m a sensitive elf,I am...

I don’t want to slow down with my meager literary efforts. But it seems that I will have to in order to dedicate a couple of weeks at my 9-5 so I can buck my ideas up, and gain my bosses faith in my abilities again. This is annoying when all I want to do is work on my own thing - but don’t we all !? I can’t financially afford to yet. I could easily spend hours on doing my own thing. But then I wouldn’t have the structure that a day job gives me – and after my past I’m really quite enjoying the benefits of a 9-5. So actually, maybe I should stop bloody sulking and get focused, cos if I think I’m miserable now – I’d be near broken if they sacked me.