Sunday, 20 September 2009

An Open Letter to Blue...

Open letter to Mr Blue

My sweetheart – Do I? Don’t I? Do I? Don’t I? write this... that’s what I have been asking myself.

I am gutted that we couldn’t be. I am sad and sorry that things didn’t work between us. We’re in different places in many respects and we’re the same in others. It’s such a pity that we didn’t meet at a time when us being together was possible.

I offered you my home, my time, my mind, and most importantly my heart. I was open as I’m sure you were and I appreciate that you gave me what you could at this time. I don’t know what more I could have given you. The things that you chose not to take were not because they weren’t being offered to you. I am not remotely angry, so please don’t think that I am. I didn’t do anything yesterday to try and hurt you or make you sad or angry, as you suggested.
How could I ? I love you... I understand what love is and how to give it. God has given me that.
Why would I want to make your life difficult? If you’re calm as you read this... you will admit that hurting you has never been my desire.

The ‘theatrics’ that you mentioned in your text to me, were my feelings. I am over the top at times, yes. And yes, i’m sure it’s very annoying for you, for people on the receiving end as it is for me. But people don’t hate me for it – because they know that my heart is not bad. I am passionate and sometimes childish because I get scared of being hurt.
When you appeared so cool yesterday in your house before I ran out, I left in a hurry as I did because I was desperately sad and I couldn’t face what I perceived as your rejection of me. I now understand as I did even at that time that it wasn’t a rejection of me as a woman. It is your concern that you cannot cope with an intimate emotional attachment at this time.

There’s nothing I can do about that. I could fight it I suppose. I could try and persuade you, I’m sure I could. I could tell you that we can be alright, and no doubt that we will be for a week or so – but then again your doubts will spring into action.
Like you, I have pride and you have expressed your doubts to me on a few occasions in our brief affair so now I realise that it’s time to let go, because you will only continue saying it, which in turn will make me insecure.

I would have made room in my life for you. I would have fought for us loyally and stuck with everything if only you’d shown me that you wanted me. Our thing has begun to feel as though it would have been hard work had we continued but I was(kinda) prepared for that. I wouldn’t have flaked on you. I’m a soldier.

I’d made a decision to stay with you – but your doubts have made me embrace the idea of having a less stressful, albeit more lonely time. I told you after the last time when i did a runner that I wouldn’t do it again. And remember when we were at Oxford Circus when I was crying...? We both thought the other was going to finish this? Remember how that felt...and remember how pleased you were that we managed to overcome that? Now I wonder how genuine that was...
I told you that I wouldn’t do it again. So, when you did finish it... Well, that was your choice certainly not mine. I wouldn’t have had the guts to permanently end this for fear of my decision being a mistake.
What we had was too precious to toy with. Although there are millions of people out there - it's not easy to find someone that ticks many attributes on ones wish list. I wouldn't have risked being wrong by ending this, then living with regret. But your reasons are admirable.

I did make room in my life for you and I totally understand if you doubt your ability to make room in yours for me. The dream, the fantasy (if what we shared was genuine, which it certainly was from my side) would be that we would get on with our own lives and see each other.

Your desires, ambitions and needs I greatly respect and I will not try and persuade you that you/we could have done it. Who knows? Maybe you’re right... I too have a clear vision and I too need space in which to execute my dreams. I need to be physically alone to do this – and maybe months down the line I will realise that your doubts about our ability to fit each other into our lives at this stage were founded on sense and reality. Maybe we couldn’t have been able to do it.
My immediate goal is to complete my second book as you know. After that maybe I will be lucky enough to meet someone that stirs me in the ways that you did. Only time will tell. But when I do, I fully intend to make sure that I can continue writing books and they will support me as I will them, in their dreams. Together we will be able to make our individual ambitions come to life.

Thank you for trying.
I understand the journey that you’re on and I respect you more than you know, for doing it. You are doing something that millions of people believe they are unable to; never forget that. However crap or lonely or difficult things may seem – don’t forget that you are clean of drugs. You’re sober, you’re coherent, you’re safe and everyday that you are breathing you are taking steps forward. You are already living some of the promises, my love. Remember not to over burden your mind with things that are not important, for today.
Today is everything. How can one predict what will happen down the line... we cannot. We must just have faith that everything will be alright. If it feels right then it is. Go with it. You’re a hugely clever guy, who is many things except stupid so trust yourself and your instincts.

I hope you gain what you wish for... and if you don’t know exactly what you wish for at this stage, just keep on getting up each day and trying and eventually it will become clearer.
You know my past. You know how horribly confused my mind was and believe me that didn’t just disappear as soon as I stopped sniffing. Hell no... I questioned if it ever would. I was so up and down it was crazy! But I allowed people around me to love me and help me and to tell me that things will change. And they have. I fought them often. I doubted their motives. But I thank God that just by plodding on every day, I have many days of utter contentment and even happiness now.
I wish you happiness, love and contentment and success. But success comes from the first three, anyway, I guess.

“The grass may look greener, but it’s always as hard to cut”
Alan Lane WCS 1998.

And by the way: I forgot all about that short film thing yesterday! It is coincidence that I suggested that we meet at Notting Hill... and as for the party the night before. Oops. That slipped my memory too.