Friday, 25 September 2009

the past days...

Hello, hello! I’m back – for today. Ok, first things first.
I feel great today! I feel ‘light,’ hassle free, chirpy and I’m ... well, I’m lots of things as I’m sure you are!
But for the moment what I’ve just expressed here is enough for you to know that for today, my world is not dark, lonely, frightening or stressful.
The past few days have been a little adventure.

I’ve been getting involved with UnHooked; writing, thinking, liking.

Blue and I met, talked, kissed, and now we’ve fully detached.

Dee and I have emailed, laughed and joked.

The editor (that the publishing house has allocated me), called me. She’s seems very nice; a little shy, quiet(ish) yet very friendly. I like her. I’m looking forward to seeing her comments within the manuscript; see what she picks on...
After work today I’m supposed to meet my original editor, Lou, who helped build my confidence when I first started Hooked. We are going to discuss UnHooked and what I am trying to achieve with the second book. I’ve tried to rearrange this for Monday instead, ‘cos I was out last night and I want to go home and be alone this evening before going to see Papa tomorrow, in Yorkshire for the day. I’m taking him and his wife out for lunch.

You know something?

I feel strangely nervous(ish) as I’m writing this. I'm very sensitive, you know dharlings!I dunno if it’s to do with the coffee that I just had or if it’s the possibility of Blue reading this.

Why should that cause me anxiety? Because this is the only link I have to him now.
It’s best that he doesn’t read any of this blog. I don’t want him to. I want to feel that I can write whatever the heck I want without vetting myself incase something I say about him or other people is misconstrued ( by him.) I don’t want that to happen, but clearly I cannot control what someone else thinks.
Anyway, on a more cheery note I am currently feeling free which is probably as a result of knowing that my emotions are not going to be up & down as a result of having someone in my life, that predominantly thinks about himself.

I am sad that Blue and I didn’t work and if he reads this he will probably think that ‘It’s what I wanted all along’ but it’s not, but I accept it. It’s life, and I just can’t be bothered to go through any explanations of the ins and outs, small print, blah, blah, blah about it all. I felt as though it was turning into a circus... or the very least a merry-go-round.

I’m not being cold. I’m not even feeling that about him or the lost relationship. I’m being pragmatic and a realist.

In truth, it’s actually very nice to not consider someone else. I really want to move on, and in a way... I already have.