Saturday, 19 September 2009

Tears & Fears.

Word of the day: Progress.
Two steps forward and two steps back is not progress. Two steps forward and one step back is not progress - that is frustration. One step forward and no steps back (at least for a sustained amount of time. Of course steps back are always taken in life, periodically) now, that is progress...

Word of the moment:
I need to take radical action. I need to take a step forward. I need to feel as though I am taking steps forward. Ideally, being the woman that I am, I would take a leap forward, not just a measly step. But I won’t be :

2. impatient

I think leaps creep on us. Leaps are taken as a result of a culmination of small steps... Leaps usually are not marked events. In my experience they sneak up on us.
I must keep grounded, and I must put my plodding boots on. This journey is long and I must be brave, cos it’s lonely. The journey I talk of? My Book. My second book, UnHooked is causing me stress. The fact that I am spending too much time lingering on the computer doing not much at all really, except not writing UnHooked, is bothering me.

I must begin. I must. I will. So, when will I start?

Err, I will excuse myself from Facebook and from the blog for this coming week. I won’t be around for a few days after tomorrow.
I need to do this just until I build a relationship with my book. Once I have made that connection with it, I will want to write it. I will yearn to work on it. At the moment I don’t know what I have written well enough to have a desire to stay with it.
So,I apologise ahead of time for my absence – but for sure, I will be back in a few days. I hope you understand Mon Cheries...

I met Blue today, briefly. We did our usual dance; two steps here, two steps there. I shouldn’t have met him. At least I can report that nothing has changed between us. We still remain the same as we were last week. Oh, hold on, something has changed I suppose...
I am not angry with him whatsoever. I am numb if anything. I like him, care about him and accept that our romance is truly over and that hurts me.

I’m not accustomed to having 2/3 month long flings and I won’t be involving myself in something like that for some time. Simply put – I can’t be bothered. Two three months is too much time. Feelings get involved (unless he’s a fuck buddy) Normally, I’m a week or two girl, or the other end of the spectrum - a year or so. But that in between time is not my forte. I’m not experienced at feeling something for a couple of months – then *poof* it’s over.

It was nice. It was lovely in fact, but today, strangely, I felt as though I didn’t even know Blue. That makes me feel... well, I don’t know... it is how it is. Nothing I can do. I won’t fight for it. How can I? I think I understand where he’s at, so that’s just bad luck for me, bad timing, whatever one calls it, it just ain’t happening for us as a couple.

God, I give everything. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. But it's what I know. I want to love. I need to and when I am rejected? It wounds me, wounds me. I revert to the child that I was when my mother left me.

He just text me. He thinks I stormed off today because I was going to some short film festival thingy, which I’d forgotten about (we were meant to go to together) and here I am, home alone writing to yous. You’re my alibi.

If I was going to some do, I’d have said that. I don’t lie, unless I’ve been arrested. And that’s highly unlikely these days.
Oh dear – just remembered that I was meant to be at a party yesterday evening, as well... Oops.

Word for this evening: Resilience.

I do get bored of having to be at times. I yearn to not fight natural emotions. My feelings towards Blue, my desire to be lazy and not be haunted by the second book which must be written, (and it must be written before the middle of February.) That is my own personal deadline. Finnish draft one before Hooked is published in March. Seems like a long time in which to write it, eh? You gotta be kidding. Working full time and writing a book is going to be a challenge -but I can do it. I am resilient.
The main thing that is stopping me from continuing ?(I’ve already written 27,000 words)
I’m scared of the obsession. I’m scared of the head-space I need to go into in order to write it. It is all encompassing. Everything else is a hindrance. Nothing else matters... It’s lonely. It’s solitary.

Part of me relishes that adrenalin-driven-process. Another more sane, more ‘well’ part realises that when I was there last time, (during the first year of Hooked ) every few weeks I was cracking up and I’d leave London for a week without my laptop.
Then, I wasn’t working.I'd given up my temp job to live on income support (i'd paid enough tax, so don't start!) so I could give Hooked everything that I was.

I've said so many times that this book is more than 'just' a book for me. It is so much more... I won't try to describe what it means to me... It was everything, everything. From what I came from -

God, I suddenly have started crying... Blue has hurt me. I feel hurt and I'm listening to this which may not help :

During that first year of Hooked I was writing thru the night (my best time) and sleeping a few hours during the day. I can’t do that now. I have a job. Sometimes I wouldn’t sleep for a couple of days because adrenalin would not allow it. The book was everything I thought of, everything I talked about. Boring I know. People couldn’t give me what I wanted, which was enthusiasm, even my level of interest for more than a minute.
That was frustrating. Who can be as passionate as the author about a book that is being written? Yep, no one. That’s part of the reason it’s such a damned lonely process.I didn’t have sex for months, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see anyone.

Do I want to go there again? Of course not!
Will I go there again? Probably.