Money = Security.

Yesterday drama ensued. Now, me, I can cope with a fair amount of bother; the break down of a relationship, moving home alone, the end of George Bush’s reign of terror. ..
But, my bank card having a stop put on it for no obvious reason sent me into an almighty tizz. When did I discover that my bank had put this stop on all transactions? After I’d had my hair done (cut into a bob and dyed jet black. Now I’m going to be straightening it for at least 60% of my life. But it's cute. I like it. Only thing is I look about 12 years old.) and I couldn’t pay the friggin’ bill.
How embarrassing is that!? I felt awful. Although, truthfully? I was more concerned with the cause of the problem than being unable to pay the hairdresser. I left there with no option other than leaving them my i-pod as guarantee that I wasn’t trying to pull a fast one.
They told me that I didn’t have to do that – but I insisted. The whole situation stank of my past life behaviour; things going wrong for me and in turn me being placed in awkward positions through sheer bad luck and mis-management of my life - rather than venomous scheming.

Immediately afterwards I met Blue who attempted to be very soothing and practical about the whole affair. He offered to pay the hair stylist and I said no, in a strop. Why wasn’t my fucking card working? For once there was money in there and I couldn’t get my paws on it. Criminal.
I was royally pissed off. Money matters to me. It’s not the ‘Once a whore always a whore’ simplistic view on life.
It’s about reality. My reality. Everyone’s reality.
Unless, that is, you live off the land in a woodland shack or you catch your own fish Robinson-Crusoe-style, or you have someone to rely on when the shit hits the proverbial – you’re fucked without cash.

During the weeks I wasn’t working after my temp job finished I used HD’s (Honorary Dad’s) credit card. I have now given him this back in a bid to branch out for total independence, so without my bank card working, I was penniless. This only served to make me feel utterly vulnerable.
Having my own money is a big part of where I find my security. Sad as that may seem. I don’t have family who will help me, or anything much in my life that is solid ie. I don’t own my property, or have savings, and I cannot get loans from a bank. So access to the tiny bit of doe that I currently have equals freedom.
I could, of course sit at home and bleat on about the fact that I do indeed have a home to sit inside and I should stop flaming moaning about everything else. I have food in my tummy, I am warm, I have a job, I am safe, I’m no longer selling my ass and I have a hot boyfriend. Yep – he is my boyfriend, who gives incredible head, amongst other things. But I won't bore you with all that again. Not yet.

I know all these thing. I know I am lucky in many respects and yet I’d still be utterly pissed off if the card had remained Kaput all effing evening.
I phoned the bank (three times) who eventually after approximately 2 hours unblocked the card so I could use it again. The reason it was unusable? No recent use – then suddenly a flurry of transactions (when i got paid.) This has never happened to me before. It made me think...
At one time I was earning thousands a week (when i bothered to go all out on the job) and my effing card was never blocked for frequency of use, then.
So why now? Ahh, because before I got paid cash and didn’t bother using a card. In fact I don’t think I could even get an account at that time. I owed various banks too much money. Drugs have a tendency to allow people to get themselves into such pickles; then the said people can never pay back the debt.

Anyway... yesterday evening ended blissfully. Blue and I went to an Indian restaurant and chatted for ages. We talk a lot, me and he. At least I do and he, in his very laid back and ‘strong&silent type’ manner listens and talks intermittently. But as whole he lets me do most of it. Suits me, as I'm sure you can imagine - having seen the length of some of these posts.

Heard an expression on TV tonight – ‘talking the head off a penny.’ I like that. It made me laugh.
Stuff like that stays with me for always. Things do. I hear something or see it, like it, visualise it in my head, it's logged. If I don't visualise the thing in my head though. I will forget it.

Anyway, I’m about to go to bed. Mr Blue left here about 30 minutes ago so now I will get myself tucked into bed. It was fun. I had another 2-nights-in-a-row-weekend with him and I’m shattered, but I wouldn’t have anything any different right now to what it is. Well, I can say that now the bank card is working again.
Different story if it wasn't eh!?