Saturday, 26 September 2009

The Weirdest Day Since Records Began

I’ve had the weirdest day since records began.
I am weird. Me, Clare is odd. Yep, so what? I bet you can be too sometimes. I feel like cutting myself of from the world, yet in a way I don’t want that. There is no obvious reason I am feeling like this. I Just am.
I feel like contacting my mobile service provider and getting them to cut off my number. I’ve done this numerous times in my life, then a few days later I will resurface, reborn and ready to integrate myself with people, again.

I trap myself within myself sometimes. It’s all in my head. None of it is real. I feel alone and yet I am not. I can’t be bothered to live sometimes, and yet I love life. I don’t want to see people or hear from anyone, yet I understand that people are everything and I do often like to hear from people.

I want to do things that are gentle on myself – yet I felt release through the pain of having more pretty little flowers tattooed onto my skin, today; a little self abuse.
I desperately want to write my second book. I want it to be finished and I’m doubting if I can do this. What must i do to be able to do it? Just write it I suppose. Easier said... A major problem is that I’m not letting go. I’m not allowing myself to become absorbed in it. I am not allowing UnHooked to become everything, as I did when I first started Hooked. Matters of ego, lust, desire, usually of the carnal variety, love, unity, doubt, aloneness and boredom are vying for equal attention. And at the moment they are winning.
I was supposed to go to Yorkshire today to see Daddy and I didn’t go. What a strange, strange thing...

I will try and keep a simple story simple.
They want me to stay over night at their house. I don’t want to (last two times i've stayed over night with them my dad has had a peculiar emotional turn, which left me in tears and bewildered. I try to avoid these situations. But I must do as they wish. I must try to make them happy; my father especially.

So, next weekend (instead of this one) I am going to Yorkshire to stay with them.
There. Kept it simple. This all came about this morning; very last minute. It’s very modern and spontaneous of daddy to suggest something just hours before it is due to be executed. I was meant to get the train three hours after our phone call, which halted our plans for today. Weird. I don’t know him well enough– maybe he’s spontaneous like this all the time.
“See if you can get a refund on your ticket and come next weekend instead so you can stay with us instead of a rushed lunch then back to London” he chirped.

What’s wrong with lunch in Yorkshire then back to London?
I wondered, but I said nothing.
About 4 years ago I flew to Frankfurt to take Auntie Flo to meet some friends. I dropped her in Arrivals then flew back. She couldn't' manage alone, she used a wheelchair. Then when she was ready to come home I flew back and met her in the Departures lounge so I could fly with her and get back to England.
Based on this I'm damn sure I can go up to Yorkshire for a spot of lunch then get my ass back to my yard in a day. But it isn't about timing. It's about daddy clearly wanting me to stay at their house. Very sweet.

Anyway, yesterday I made a start with getting daddy and step-momma a small parcel of indulgences that they wouldn’t normally buy themselves. This included a small jar of truffle pate, and a bottle of Gevrey Chambertin red wine, 28 quid, a beautiful scented candle and some special hot chocolate for a bed time night tipple.
Daddy’s going to be away over his 80th birthday and when I see them will be the last time before his birthday. I want them to have a little of something that will make him and the wife that adores him, feel special.

Right - I'm going out now. Meeting someone...
Hey, daddy isn't the only one who can be spontaneous, it seems...