Monday, 6 July 2009

Oh God! What now??

I feel ashamed of myself for what happened over the last couple of days. I’m sorry to any one whose respect i have lost for acting a twit.
I meant to knock myself out and have a hellova long and deep sleep so I didn't have to think about anything for the whole day and night. Instead, I didn’t sleep a wink. I panicked and freaked out that I’d over dosed.

I’m kinda laughing about it right this second because it’s so bloody, bloody stupid. Thank you all for all your words of encouragement, though. I told you before I didn't want this blog to turn into the diary of an emotional collapse and I'm embarrassed that things happened as they did.

I spent the day with L today. She’s a princess. She’s having a weird time as well so we somehow managed to cheer each other up. Don’t ask how, but we managed it. I kept referring to my suicide attempt and we were in stitches. I know suicide is not amusing – but my recent actions were ridiculous. L and I understand each other very well so we were able to giggle at both our recent misfortunes. She’s a real treasure and I love her.
I am still a little groggy after the episode I had, but today I’ve had waves of positive thought between crying. I am seeing a doctor tomorrow who will re-evaluate the medication I take. Maybe after 3.5 years it’s not longer working as it should. When I started with these pills they saved my life. I was very unwell at the time
(depression) and before I started taking them, if it wasn’t for the love of a boyfriend who I still adore to this day, I’d have relapsed and have gone straight back to the chaos that was my past life. The boyfriend who I was with (Sexless) is the relationship before this last relationship.

I will never again refer to the guy I have just now split from again. He’s gone. I have the ability to erase, and I have. He's erased.

My ex-boyfriend, Sexless (not the recent one... you with me? the one before this most recent) loved me through my pain, paranoia and tears. He was brave, honorable and stood by me, never wavering. There were times that I was excruciatingly insecure and anxious and feared that I was alone in the world that he would grab me, hold me tight and tell me ‘I won’t let you ruin us. I love you and I’m never leaving you. Ever’ I will never, ever forget those moments. In many respects I was stupid for leaving him. I love him still.
God, I always seem to leave a scar with the men I've been emotionally involved with. It's not saying a lot! But in my own defense, I'm very sweet and loving as well as messed up!
(trying desperately to score some decency points there!)

I don’t know what else to say right now. There is plenty I guess, but I will waffle if I start so I won’t. I haven’t heard from my dad, although I know that they ( my dad and step-mum) know that I lost my job. They used to call me at work. It’s not a huge surprise that I haven’t heard from them when things are rocky for me. That’s their style. A pattern they have followed over many years. I accept it for what it is. It seems odd to many people but It’s how they are and getting exasperated , upset or angry with it serves no purpose. I’m used to them. If I was laying in a morgue, they’d more than likely not want to face what was happening. Oh well...
One thing I did do today was email the girl who is claiming to be my sister. I asked her to tell me something that only my sister could know. I’ll tell you when I hear something from her.

I look forward to being back to full health and positivity soon. Just the fact that I am saying that shows signs of improvement. But I’m aware that my mood is changing literally every few minutes at the moment. It’s quite disorientating.
I tell ya... I'm not making a very good case for sanity right now, eh?! Don’t answer that – please!
Once I get some resolution with some of my current worries I’m the tide will turn dramatically. It doesn’t take much to lift my mood, but I’m pleased to say it does take a fair amount to make me crash, as I did the other day.

Bloody hell ! Life... Some times I just don’t know what to make of it...