Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Question Time

NOTE to Blue : * I am not saying any of the stuff below because I am trying to leave 'us.' I am not. Although I'm feeling that you're wanting to back track. I sense these things. *

OK – a couple of my friends want to know what’s happening in my life. I haven’t yet mentioned Blue to them but they can smell that something is going on and they want to know.
Why haven’t I mentioned Blue to them, yet? Indeed, why haven’t I?

Well, I haven’t had a face to face conversation with any of them about the two of us yet. I will do though. Later this week, it’s going to happen.
OK, I have to be honest – although this is bizarre for me since I know he reads this blog. You see, how honest can I be when the guy I am sleeping with can read my thoughts. It’s a tricky, one right?

Here goes... Blue is everything I want. My friends will meet him and adore him. They will think we are well matched and they will genuinely be pleased for me... Just one thing and it’s (sort of) quite major...

Blue is a recovering addict. Like me.

That in itself may not seem so bad but we're in different places in our lives. The thing is.... gosh, this feels a little complex if I run with it – when actually it’s not, so I’m not going to dwell on something which actually( as I’m writing this) is not a massive big deal ... I think.

OK- so, he’s 14 months in. Ouch. I said it. There you go... what do you reckon? You see, amongst the drug ‘recovery’ community some people would really frown upon the fact that I am seeing someone who is (in some people’s opinions) in ‘early’ recovery.
It’s only another recovering addict that is aware of what 14 months into recovery actually means... But, of course every individual is different. I’ve never had a relationship with another recovering addict before. I’ve always stayed clear because of fear of too many issues floating between us, and fear they may relapse. But Blue seems balanced.

The thing is I relapsed after 11months sobriety and three months after that I got involved with Sexless in a glorious relationship which was perfect for me at that time. After that relationship finished after 2.5 years I remember questioning if I’d kinda ‘out grown’ the relationship with him. Did I leave Sexless because I had gained confidence and was better able to move away ? No – he wasn’t interested in sex, so after over two years I left because yes, I did have more confidence to act when something in my life wasn’t working.

Jesus, imagine if Blue and I stay together for say a year – then he buggers off??
Well I suppose anyone can do that to anyone at any time, right? Recovering addict or not.
Anyway, who do I think I am to think that Blue would grow (as I did being with Sexless) by being with me – then leave me?? Who the heck do I think I am, eh? Ego alert! Where do I get off!!
Anyway, so back to the original issue - my friends... What will they say about all this, huh?
What will they think? Why do I care so much? Indeed do I?
Blue has never relapsed. He’s focused. I mean let’s face it, the way we understand each other and the way we communicate and are able to be so honest must be largely influenced by the fact that we are both recovery addicts. So, like I said before who can say anything is wrong with ‘us’?

Hmmm... a couple of my friends, that’s who.

And when they find out that he’s training to be an actor and he’s not working in the City and living in a loft apartment over looking Tower Bridge... Oh dear, oh dear...
They will question lots. But the thing is I didn’t say that I was looking for a banker who drives a 911. I never said that – and if they think that’s what I want then maybe they’re putting their own desires onto me - and that’s just not fair.