Monday, 27 July 2009

Running to the hills? Me? Nope!

I am the most tired I have been since records began.
I’m going to have a good old whinge if you don’t mind... I’m tired, I have a head ache and my tummy and breasts are swollen. I’m sure my period is due but with their irregularity it could happen next week or next month. (Now I’ve said it's coming, it probably won’t!)

I started working on my job alone today. So, the pressure to get things right (which wasn’t as difficult as i thought it might be) was on. I enjoyed the awareness that I must demonstrate while there. No one else is doing my job. I am alone and fully responsible.
God, how things change... I’m not running to the hills even though people are relying on me to do my job correctly. Bloody hell, three years ago I would have been literally quaking in my shoes on my way to work if this had been the case. In fact I probably wouldn’t have taken the job for my acute fear at failure. Three years ago I was feeling a total disaster. I questioned if I’d even become part of society. I didn’t know how to really participate in life. I felt trapped. I’d fucked my way to a healthy bank balance but a very confused mind. Today I am minus £ in my bank – but I am sane of mind.
I know which I would rather have – a healthy bank balance and a sane mind... BUT
One thing at a time, hey!

I’ve been daring myself to stay up until around 9pm, but I’ve lost my own bet to myself, and I intend to go to bed as soon as I’ve written this post. That means that I must get up earlier tomorrow morning and get some things done that ideally I would have done this evening.
Blue just text me : ‘ I want to see you tomorrow lunchtime, if you’re free’
(amongst other things) WoW! Masterful or what! Love it. ‘I want to see you’... none of that unsure ‘ I was wondering if you...’ Nope. He’s straight to the point. He went on to say:
‘We can grab a bit, make plans...’ Make plans!!!!! Did you see that! He said we can make plans!!
Now that is one hellova man,don't you agree ladies? Yep, so do i!

This guy, Blue, has a hold over me. This is very unusual for me to experience – and I’m not fighting it. I don't want to do a runner. Why would I? When I’ve fought something before it’s been because I’m actually trying to ignore things that are wrong, therefore I am uneasy until become my doubts tolerable.

I usually take forever to really want to be with someone. It usual takes me eons to respect them... But Blue, he’s something else. I have wondered briefly what it is about him that I find so attractive. You know, I was just trying to work it out... I guess it’s to do with the way we communicate. He’s very open. Plus he’s very good looking. Shallow? Me? Sue me.

He’s intense – although he reckons I’m more so. (I don’t know about that) He’s passionate. He’s lived. I like that...

I love how he speaks – he’s very well spoken, and I know I’ve said it numerous times but he’s very, very skilled as far as sex goes. He’s so confident and takes control which I really enjoy. There’s no fumbling. Everything feel deliberate. Somehow he doesn’t seem to make a wrong move. It’s as though we have known each other forever.
It is odd, though that this has happened so soon after my last relationship finished. Is that bad? If someone told me that they’d met someone so soon after another relationship ended I would raise an eyebrow. I’d only raise the brow a couple of millimeters, but even so...

But the thing is there is nothing about this union between Blue and I that is wrong. Nothing.

So I’ve thought about using his real name and I think it’s better that I don’t for now. If I did, I would feel that I had to edit what I can write about him. As things stand, with a name like Blue I could in theory be far more open than if I used his actual name. I’m sure you understand...