Friday, 31 July 2009

Eating my words never gave me Indigestion : Winston Churchill, Missy Gee c.2009

I always think that the sign of a good writer is the ability to be able to express something succinctly. I prefer a message delivered clearly with minimal words. So, with regards Blue and I what can I say..? Would you get my mood if I was to say:


Would you understand me?

Would you know that there is something not right?

It’s unimportant who, what, where, when... The point is, in the same way as I could feel how magnetic and wildly exhilarating it has been for the past two weeks – I can also feel how fragile it is now.

I don’t think it is broken. I think it’s fragile. Besides something that is broken can be fixed, I appreciate that. Although , let’s face it, once something is broken, however much glue you apply to it - it’s never the same again. Anyway, Blue and I are not there yet... (if indeed we continue at all.)
The only glue that Blue and I can cook up in these very early days, is sex I suppose. Well, we can talk, also.

Will we bother? I don’t know.

Do I care? Yep, very much.

Why? Cos I like him. He’s a good person and I enjoy his chat,sex, and kisses, intuition, intelligence, charisma...he looked up a word in a dictionary the other day. A man that would do that wins my heart.

So, what is the problem? Well, we’re in different places in our lives.

Can’t I over come that? OK, this is about both me and Blue and I can only speak for myself here.
Look, I have lived for many years in a dark, lonely and sinister place. I was emotionally fucked. In turmoil and very, very lonely, trapped in myself and by myself in a pit. When I looked up from the pit I could sometimes see light, but clawing up a very slippery mud wall was not something I thought possible. Then – something happened. It’s hard to describe what. Of course being screwed in the head helped me to get to the point of wanting to change, but the odd screw loose was not enough to make me change. I’d lived with the darkness for years before I decided to move away from it.
What happened I guess was that I turned a corner where I wanted to clamber up to the light more than I wanted anything, literally anything else, ever in life. I wanted to be able to see the light permanently. I wanted to be able to breath clearly. It’s very hard for me to explain the change that happened inside me to give me the strength to dig my hands deep into the mud and start the slow climb upwards.

So – back to the original question - Can I overlook the fact that Blue and I are in different places in life?
I suppose the simple answer is yes, because if I want something enough I, you, him, her, will make it happen. There is nothing in this life that cannot be overcome in some form. Perception is everything. My perception could alter, yes.

In my option the very first step to changing anything is admitting that a change is needed. That’s where I’m struggling. Why should I change my opinions on Blue and I being in different places? Do I want to be with him enough to make things work?
I think so.

I need to really want to first, right? I think I do really want ... It would involve a massive amount of trust which I'm not great at. Anyway, I don't know what he thinks... I think he's getting over it though.

OK – so since this involves two people there needs to be some very real desire for both parties to make what they have between them work.
This is where I faulter. Not in my desire, but in my belief that it can.

The thing is, although I clambered out of my pit I still have smidgens of mud that have clung onto me. I work on eradicating it then I find more.
I am eternally convinced that I do not know how to be in a relationship. I do not know how to deal with another person intimately. No, that’s not wholey right – I do know how to be intimate (and i don’t mean sex) but what I struggle with, and I struggle badly with, is, that place when even for a moment everything is not a blissful, glorious delight. When there is a twitchy moment I want to run to the hills. I am consistently convinced that something is my fault. The person will leave me, hurt me, take advantage of my insecurities. Try to take advantage my softness when I show them my vulnerability and leave me feeling worthless.
Or worse still, my paranoid head telling me that the guy in question is trying to take advantage when he actually isn't.

Now, I hear you... I hear you. Life isn’t a constant sunshining day in a green field full of daffodils.
I know. I know. That’s why maybe I am not fit to ever be with someone.
You see, some of that mud seems to have seeped into my bones unfortunately.

And what I do about dealing with that is anyone’s guess...