Thursday, 16 July 2009

They all want a Piece

Ooo members of my family are all crawling outta the wood work now... I exaggerate. Two are, oh and my sister’s boyfriend has also dropped me an email. How nice.
I know I must sound callous but I feel a little pestered by them. I'm not actually being pestered but I can be very funny about these thing... I don’t have set rules about how I or people should behave – but I guess over all I like contact when I want it, but life doesn't work like that.
Daily emails from them is ever so slightly starting to bug me and now my cousin has jumped on board. She (the cousin)sent me a message a couple of days ago, then another today asking why I hadn’t replied to the first.

How can I explain that I have no emotional connection to her? Of course, I can't. Family does not mean the same thing to me as it may do to her, because she has one and she’s used to the feeling of solidarity that so often comes with families.
For me, it’s different. I don’t have one and I don’t feel attached to people that I actually don’t know. Just because we share some genetics actually means nothing to me. Sounds cold I know – but I deal with reality.

I don’t want to get hassled by these people and in a way they aren’t hassling me – yet but I can feel myself wanting to keep the,m at arms length. I don’t know what it achieves us keeping regular contact ? Why bother? Surely they can’t feel anything towards me? Or am I just jaded after the rollercoaster life I’ve led? They’re not my responsibility and I’m not willing to take that on.

I did learn something interesting from my sister yesterday,( before she sent me some photos of herself today. Apparently she doesn’t have any of mum. Pity they’re the ones I really want to see.) She told me my mother’s age when she gave birth to me. I had no idea until then.
I had asked her previously, small questions, such as how our mum wore her hair. What made her laugh?What food she liked?Was she funny etc... it was nice to hear this woman (my mother) take on a personality other than just being a woman that hurt me and let me down.

Change of subject: Today my friends I had to make a grown up decision, all by myself... That’s not easy for the likes of me, ya know!

I told you I got offered a job, right? Well, I also mentioned that on the day that I got offered this job I also went for another job interview, remember?
I didn’t want to cancel on them last minute so despite that fact I’d already accepted the job offer from earlier in the day I felt it was only courteous that I attend the interview. I went along and it was fine. Today I was supposed to go to the second interview for the second job (you with me?) but I contacted them this morning to cancel. I saw no point in going. I’d already agreed to take the first job offer, which paid well. They were disappointed that I wasn’t attending the second interview and they offered me £ 5,500 more than the job which I had accepted.

Yikes. It doesn’t rain it pours, huh!? I’ve never been in that situation before and I suddenly felt important and in demand! I hadn’t yet gone for the second interview, but I knew that if I wanted the job I could have it.

The thing is, the job I had originally accepted is in a far sexier environment than the 5.5k more one. What was I going to do? Take the sexier environment and less doe, or take the money..?

I took the money. Things are no always about money of course - but I think I'd have been silly not to... I'm broke. Money buys freedom of choice and Prada, if you're into that - but I'm not. So, for me it's about freedom to go on holiday, go for dinner, lunches, and occasionally buy myself a little treat - nothing else. I just don't want to worry about day to day things. I need as much free head space as I can muster while writing (The second book, while i await the fate of the first) I don't want to be bogged down with life's vital trivialities such as worrying about having enough money for food, bills, toiletries etc.
I don't need stacks of money. My lifestyle is simple. Good job really. I won't be getting stacks!

I went to meet with them again and this time I met three of the companies partners in a small meeting room. The testosterone was heavy as it permeated the air.
Blimey! I hadn’t realised it was that important! (its actually not, i don't think. They were adding drama to proceedings) Anyway amigas/os they offered me the job on the spot and I accepted. I begin work on Monday.
How did I deal with telling the (first) job agency that I was no longer accepting the job offer?
I emailed them apologising profusely, then turned my phone off and since I have refuse to listen to my voice messages. I can't bear to. So there.

By the way: it's just started thundering and lightening in London. I hate that. I'm so scared.