Monday, 26 July 2010

You Ask & I'll tell you ... ( but don't test me)

" So what is your book about?" I got asked today.
" It's about a woman - Me, running around all over the place like a head less chicken, while choosing to ignore everyone around me as I did it. Other than that it's about getting fucked up on cocaine, vodka and having sex with men I didn't usually like and desperately trying to convince myself that I was having a good time. Err, so does that answer your question?"

" Errrrrr......." * Cue embarrassed laughter* So I started laughing to try and ease the guy's tension.

" It's OK to laugh about it you know. It all got so ridiculous, the whole thing - I mean, my life turned into a farce. I just lived day to day and tried to ignore tomorrow... I was chasing a good time but making myself miserable.... Why the sad face?" I asked him.

" You sound like you're describing me."

" Look, I may be describing you and hundreds of thousands of other people if what you do makes you deeply miserable, and pretending to be someone else gets too much to bear... So, would you like a coffee?"

" Yes please. With 2 sugars".

And that was that. He asked. And I told him.

I've spoken to Blue - my ex-boyfriend. I know, I know.... I care about him , what can I say? Anyway...... It's the first time since we broke up in March.
During our chat amongst other things he asked me if I'd slept with Montana. And I told him that I had. I had to. I'd lied before and I had to come clean. Get it off my chest.

"Were you seeing him? "
"Was it a fling?"
"Are you seeing him now?"
" No"
I feel so much better for coming out with the truth. I mean, I'd done nothing behind his back. Not a thing. I came clean about exactly when it occurred and he was OK with it. He didn't want to hear it but he asked and I told him. It was the right thing to do. What could he say? We were not together and hadn't been for some weeks when it happened.
The thing is - Blue already knew, and I had to give him the respect he deserves by admitting to it when he asked me the other day on the phone. He'd asked me if I'd been with Montana after we got back together the last time. And that's when I lied. Ouch. I didn't have the guts to admit it despite the fact that we hadn't been together. But lying made me feel awful - and I knew at the time that guilt was etched onto my face; so this time was time to deal with it.

So - - where to now? 'The cream on top'..... hmmm.... the yummy cream on top of the icing which feels a little as though its purity of flavour is getting a smidgen over loaded with other things.
I'm sensitive like that. I wish I wasn't.

I've just been busy writing some stuff for a meeting I have tomorrow at the Groucho. Yes, my dhalrings, that'll be me trotting in there tomorrow acting like I belong, going to meet some film folk to continue the discussions about le book.

BUT I never count my chicks..... although, I do always try my hardest to remain quietly confident and even more hopeful.