Friday, 9 July 2010

" Wake up to reality Clare, for fuck's sake!" Arrgh!

I'm getting really hacked off. This thing with Viking is utterly pointless. I actually don't care right now how I come across in his mind when he reads this. I may sound spoilt, childish, self-piteous, impatient. He can think what he likes.
I'm not actually getting anything tangible from this experience, except frustration, and what is the point of that!? I'm not a fetishist who thrives off 'orgasm deprivation' or any of that stuff, so WTF?

I'm frustrated, and I'm getting really fed up of this thing. And do you know how Viking is rewarding my loyalty towards him? By doing nothing. Ziltch. Nada. Well, at least not to bring this into the real world, which is where i like to live.

If I had been married for years and didn't have the guts to leave a stale relationship - then yeah, a little bit of fantasy fodder may well be very enticing - but this isn't my situation and I understand it isn't his either. If I was married and felt apathy to my situation ( can you imagine me accepting feeling apathy to anything, like this, really??) then I do understand that a bit of distant flirting may brighten up my life. This of course would only if I wasn't getting the attention and affection I craved, from my partner. Me, being me, questions why someone would stay in that situation in the first place - but reasons are wide and varied - children and fear being top of the list, no doubt.

Look at me! I don't need this. This is just stupid. What the hell am I playing at? Oh god. It's completely barmy for me to feel 'involved' with someone who ... dare I even say this ... wait for it - whom I've never even met! fuck's sake! what the hell? it's stupid.
Now if I was into him cos we'd actually hooked up - that's one thing.... But as a friend said last night - I'm clearly doing this to fill a gap or to avoid something in my life, right now... I don't care if I'm sounding harsh. So what? Viking is doing the same.

I feel embarrassed by that and it's clear that this will remain fantasy - which i guess is fine if the infatuation is in moderation. But, my loves, you know me .... moderation is not a huge feature in my life.

I'm over this. It's bollocks. If I'd seen him already, then fine, but I haven't. I mean, how could he not have made the move for us to meet up already? talk, talk, talk does nothing for me.
I'm not carrying on with this how it is. It's just silly. It's got out of hand and I'm drawing a line from now.

Moody, not moody, who cares? fuck it. Back to reality for me. And what the hell is wrong with my reality that is making me behave in this manner to someone I haven't fuking met. I ask you?
My life is cute. I can do what I like. I'm single. I'm happy. I've got great boobs and a sweet ass, I'm bright and clearly very modest. If I want some hot guy to lust after me - then I can do that with someone who is accessible. Someone who will actually want to spend time with me and not keep me in some wank bank for when their Mrs has 'got a head ache.' Yet again.