Friday, 2 October 2009

Off the Wagon

Hello, hello...How goes it? I’m feeling rather good today. I have been lazy as a Toad as far as the book goes... (are Toads lazy?) OK, I’ve been as lazy as a Sloth.

OK, OK, just ‘cos Sloths are slow does not make them lazy, right?

So, regardless of which animal my current idleness is representative of, the point is amigos, I’m feeling like doing very little except getting the hell out of this office and getting some Jamaiiiican.
Food. Jamaican food, thank you!

After work today,in fact in around 30 minutes I’m going out for a couple of hours to eat, chat and catch up with a friend. This person was abstinent from alcohol and drugs and has again started drinking.
Someone else who is close to me has recently done this too, declaring themselves officially ‘off the wagon’...

What can ya do??

I will write a whole post about this another time. It’s a pretty big deal...

So, yesterday I lost some writing that I did on the book and it’s this that has disturbed my flow. I was utterly pissed off.
Not in a growling manner – just in a tense ‘Where the fuck is it??’ kinda feeling...
And last night when L came over to my place for pizza and gossip I didn’t get chance to write anything. So today I’ve faffed around feeling pulses of horniness and not concentrating on writing.

I’m not giving myself a hard time about feeling like doing bugger all. Well, not really...

 Tomorrow I’m seeing my father. I’m nervous to be truthful. Not totally sure why. I’m just all too aware that things that change very quickly with them. And I refuse to get into any type of commotion with an elderly gentleman and his wife. I won’t do it. Even if I had to go and stay in a hotel instead of their house, then I would do that before squabbling with them.

 I’m certain that Blue was up to mischief, probably with another woman during the couple of weeks before we broke up. That, or from when we met he never really wanted me but decided to go with it because I’m a fucking catch – and he knew it, once we’d spent a bit of time together. I’m certain that he feels nothing for me and that hurts. In fact, I feel let down by him; discarded and quite honestly, I feel used. And that feeling makes me defensive and angry toward him and the memory of what we were supposed to have shared.
I have not talked with my friends about it even though they’ve asked, because I cannot bring myself to.
At least not in the foreseeable future. That’s not out of anger – it’s from feeling hurt and questioning if I was an idiot.

And you know what makes me shudder... I can't stop imgining Blue if he read this thinking: Well whatever you have to do to get over this, is alright. Be angry with me if you need to be.Tosser. That's the name of anyone who says something so patronising to someone in this situation... but they think they're being liberal and preaching some fucking spiritual baloney! Pah!
I've had it said to me - and the guy was a Prat. I had eveidence of that with the last guy that said this to me...

With Blue the jury is still out - and I'm looking forward to a day when it just no longer matters either way to me.