Monday, 5 October 2009

private devastation.

Oh dear – once again I’ve had to tell Dee that we will not be. God, it’s so fucking awkward saying this to him. He’s such a cutie, but I don't think for a second that we can be together. I don't want to try. We already did. For nearly a year.

Dee is a lovely, lovely person and really funny. But it’s exactly his constant humour that I can’t cope with , even on a friendship level at the moment. I’m feeling waay too subdued right now to deal with that. After we exchanged those three emails last week, he’s since got back into the habit of calling and texting me as though we’re together in a relationship. We’re not.
He’s sensed my distance and has finally questioned me about it. I’ve had to go through the same cringey, then defensive conversation that I’ve been through with him countless times.

I need to be alone to focus on my book, although alone is not where I want to be.
I have been sad for days.
Sad, sad, sad, sad. I miss Blue.
I miss him so much. I’ll probably regret writing this post and I’ll probably take it down later in the day. I am aching with longing.

Even my parents were sad for me. They’ve never heard me express so liberally to them about how a man made me feel. Aww, my dad was very sweet and my step-mum said that Blue and I have made an error by leaving behind what we had.

“Are you sure he was genuine, Clare?” Daddy asked.

“ I was, yes. I am... I think so. I don’t know, daddy. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I feel so sorry that we’re not together”.

But I was a brave girl and didn’t cry. As for if I was genuine about my feelings. Well yes – I was. I am. The proof is here. My feelings now.
I found myself staring last night; in silence in the flat, staring. Not crying. My head wasn’t aflood with thoughts. There was just me and a very still, private devastation.