Tuesday, 6 October 2009

(been a bit slow, but...) I Finally Accept it's Over.

About to go into the bath. Finding it difficult working full time in an office then retrieving my day time momentum to work on UnHooked at night.
Last night I went to bed at 9.30 and slept through. Lovely. It did me a lot of good today. I felt upbeat and less drained today at work.

Perhaps I am beginning to accept the end of Blue and I, which makes things feel less depressing; you know getting my head round the fact that we're not doing a stale mate thing this time. This ain't battle of wills. It's over, it seems and that's it. Over.
Also the fact that I have got through to Dee about wanting space makes me feel more free. I end up feeling so responsible for people’s feelings when I care about them and I hate the idea of hurting them - so often I will go along with something (at least to a degree) so not to upset that person.
It’s nuts...
I told you the other day that the silver haired Sexpert is back from The Big Apple... Well he text me today and we’re meeting for dinner tomorrow after I’ve finished work. Not for whoopie. No, just for food and a chin wag.
I haven't seen him for absolutely ages.
I’m looking forward to seeing him. He’s sexy, talented and interesting. It’s the first time we’re meeting since he knowing the full story about me. He didn't before during the time we were seeing each other last year.
Naturally I kept a lot from him. He knew about the drugs and drink but not the escorting and other bits and pieces and this only served =to make me feel that I was with holding a huge part of who I am/ who i was.

I was thinking earlier - you know something? I am pretty open here don't you think? I will continue to be so. I think I pretty much lay many of my feelings on the line for y'all so it's not a surprise to hear that I’ve missed Blue massively... You all know that.
I don’t know if he reads these posts or not... but I feel that I’ve already given enough to him over the past few days, with no response from him.
He hasn’t come back for me, so what am I to do? Keep dropping hints, here, in a bid for him to come and claim me as his woman? I wish he would but he hasn't.

You know how it feels when you break up with someone that you care about and you wonder if they are thinking about you?
Invariably you think that the other person is getting on with their life and not giving you a second thought, right?

And then you find out that the other person has been missing you too, and how good does that make you feel? Very good, huh?!
Well, if Blue has read these posts he has not given me anything back. That only means one thing.
He really, really doesn’t want us to be together any longer. I'm sure you knew that all along and if you did - I don't want to hear it, thank you. There's no playing this time. This isn't a check mate 'who's gonna contact who first' game like that's come before. Somehow stating all this makes it possible for me to jump the final hurdle. I can't give any more to this. If he's been reading this blog he knows I want him still, and he's done nothing about it, so I will draw a line under our thing once and for all and kiss it good bye.

This isn't an excuse for me so I can ride Le Sexperts big dick tomorrow. I don't need an excuse. I'm single.
But it is an open realisation and understanding that it is time for me to lay Blue and our brief affair to rest.
(unless of course I hear from him in the next few hours) hahaaa! Jesus! Where do I get off!

fuck it. It's over.

Arrivadetichi Senori