Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Snorting Coke, Drinking, Football Managers and Holidays.

eee, what a day! It’s busy, busy over here, but thankfully there is still time for a giggle in this office. A former England football manager came in earlier. I like it when he comes for a meeting – he’s charming and funny and we always have a spot of banter with each other.
Before you ask – Yes, I would, and yes, he would. He makes that obvious. But the guy is married and I don’t do married men. Not now. Not for free. Not for payment either. Those days are gone, ‘cos this girl ain’t driven to snort charlie and guzzle vodka for all the hours God sends.
I’m not trying to hide from myself anymore( usually) although don't get me wrong - I’d like to get out of my head sometimes. I'd love to talk shit at people and not give a monkeys about anything, except that moment. Hell, I’d love to do that, but sadly, I don’t.
I don’t, because for some stupid reason I do not seem to have a limit when I do those things. And I honestly can’t tell you what I’ll end up doing, with whom, where, or for how long I’ll be doing it. I never used to throw up. I never gave up. The more out of it I was - the happier I was. I wanted more, more more. All the time.

If I started to use drugs again I would be a renegade space cadet, not giving a flying toss for anyone or anything. At least that's how I'd be unless I ended up dead. And I believe that’s where I’d end up this time. Either I'd get murdered due to my activities or I'd overdose. I don’t know where else I can go with it.

And that, my dear, dear friends is not a pretty sight.

Anyway, I have canceled my dinner date this evening. (A number of reasons. There always is, huh!? Is nothing simple for crying out loud!??) I’m tired. (I’m always tired) I MUST work on my book. I must, I must I must... I don’t really want to. I really can't be bothered, but I must force myself.
I’m daring myself to write 10,000 words by close of play on Sunday. Now, that, right there, is an expression I cannot stomach! 'Close of play' Urrgh! Awful isn't it!

I’ve been slacking recently, licking wounds, mooching, procrastinating, but instead of giving myself a hard time about this – I am trying to look at this last two weeks as my preparation period. (Who am I trying to kid??)
This has been the build - up before I strike. The quiet before the storm; the pregnancy before the birth... What ?? Is that even an expression?? No, I didn’t think so.

By the way: if we are friends on Facebook you will know that I am deactivating my account from this evening. Just for a time. Like with anything I involve myself in, I give a fair amount. I’ve always said that I’m passionate, and I mean it. My spirit is open, and I sprinkle some of it onto the majority of what I do. I wish I could do things by halves – to coin another hideous expression, but I wouldn’t be Clare if I was like that.

I am an all consuming mass of energy and when I decide to do something, I do it and put a big part of my soul into it, except with drugs and drink. I used to put my whole soul into that. Any man that I have cared about knows that for at least a period of time during the relationship, he is not given room to doubt my affections. I give everything.

Anything that I say (with conviction) I do. No questions. But although I am saying the words ‘I must write this book,’ if I am honest, I am still not saying it with conviction.
BUT by doing such things as deactivating the Missy Gee Facebook page which is a huge distraction, that at least enables me to believe that I am trying.At least, that's one step - the other is, I've decided to go away for Christmas. Alone. I intend to go to a hot country for two weeks, where I can get some sun and forget that it's Christmas. I always find Christmas a little depressing.
There, I will begin to sculpt UnHooked and bask in the sun. That means I HAVE to finnish writing the first lot of words of this book before I go on my holiday. I still have 50,000 odd words to go.
I'm excited that I have a clear goal now. When I set these time lines previously, when I was writing the first book I kept ahead of my schedule, so if I can do it once - I sure as hell can do it again.