Saturday, 5 December 2009

Attitudes, Men & Friends.

OK, yesterday I emailed Blue this:
“Hi – I’ll keep this brief. Hope you’re well. I know you’ve been busy, but I’d like my belt back. I know it’s only a belt but it means something to me. I don't want to open up dialogue, here I’d just like you to drop the belt to the receptionist at work next week. He leaves at 4pm, so please drop it off before that. Thanks.“

He replied: “Hey – Hope you’re well too! As I said – Of course! I’ll drop the belt on Monday. It’s the end of term tomorrow, so time and sanity will be restored for me to be able to do that. x”

He has a belt of mine, incase you hadn't guessed. I’m not remotely petty about such things usually – but that belt is something that I’ve managed to hold on to through many situations and many years and I’d like it back. I know he likes it, but I reckon I did enough for Blue when we were together, without him keeping a belt that I like. I hope I didn’t sound angry in the email?

Later, yesterday, the guy – you know THE guy from the other day (i wrote a post about it - then took it down) called my work to speak to his friend. Yeah, right. Just call your mate’s fucking mobile why don’t ya!? Funny. I was cool. In fact, I felt nothing. I feel nothing now. During the brief call The ‘rock star’ asked after my health as I did his, and that was pretty much it.
His friend (my colleague) had gone abroad that very day. Odd, since they're meant to be so bloody close, that he didn’t know.

Not sure what’s going on with me at the moment as far as my feelings go. I’m not feeling much about much. Well, not much to do with romance. I’m feeling good and very clear headed about what i want for myself. I’ve been painting my bathroom and clearing out some clothes. My life is feeling much lighter for me right now . I feel in control, and I’m trying to make my environment clutter-free too.

Anyway, so, today I met with the second friend who is trying to dump me. Yep – you just know about one. How can all this happen in the same week? I should be ashamed to admit this – but there are currently 3 friends who are totally hacked off with my inability to stick to plans. It’s really not good or funny. How I’ve coped with these accusations from my girls, and their disgruntlement is anyone’s guess. I don't feel inundated by it. I’m just dealing with one thing, then the next, then the next and it’s all alright. I didn't realise how draining having Blue around was. I've freed up so much brain space now I'm single.

I’ve decided that my constant self-imposed isolation is a mental problem...

It’s a bit odd, don’t ya think? I’m way too comfortable in my own company - unless that is there's a man in my life then I spend too much time with them, thinking about them, trying to make them happy. I've learned this shit from being small. I was so desperate to ensure that my dad wouldn't leave me as my mum had.
It's so fucking rubbish, I know.

Ok, the first friend – who I wrote about last week – I’m meeting her on Tuesday to make up. I’m happy with that. We’ve exchanged emails over the past days so I hope that when we meet it’ll be easier to communicate what has been happening...
Friend two – is K, whom I met today. I let her down when she broke up with her boyfriend when I was meant to go to her house for dinner and It’s been many times that I’ve said I’d go round, or meet her for coffee and I’ve canceled at the last minute. Not good, not good. What the hell is wrong with me?

So I said there are three friends who are fed up of my lame-ass. I told you that I met Kay on Wednesday? It was lovely. So after wednesday we arranged to go out last night and guess what? I canceled. She is angry and upset with me, but mainly angry. I find it hard to deal with conversations if someone is upset with me and She’s really fucked off.
The embarrassing thing is that when we met on Wednesday I’d been bleating on about changing my unreliability. And what do I do? Fucking cancel our very next date. Shit.

All this baloney is the complete opposite to how I am with boyfriends. I’m so over- dedicated and will do anything to make the guy I’m with, happy. It’s. absolutely. fucking . nuts.
Even when my adoration is reciprocated. It’s still crazy for me to be like that. I’ve been cherished in most of my relationships – and still, I cast everything else aside for the guy. It’s just not good. These men come first in just about every respect.
What the fuck? Don't my friends matter? Don’t I matter?

I’ve got two books that I was given in rehab. I’ve never read them: “Women who Love Too Much” and “Do I have to give Myself up to be Loved by You?”
I think it’s time for me to read them.