Sunday, 27 December 2009

curiouser and curiouser...

Well, I hope y’all had s delightful Christmas! I did. Although – I am loath to say much at the moment about anything. My head is a bit mashed; not with booze and drugs. Nah. I wish.
No – I spent time with Blue which was blissful. And all was good. We hung out, smooched, cooked, watched films... But as you may already have caught on... he some how managed to get into my email account.
Now, when we were together I did tell him my password – which I subsequently changed once we’d broken up. My password was a little bit complex, so if he managed to remember the original that would have been quite a feat – but the point is – I changed it, regardless, and he still got into it. How?
OK, when he told me earlier today that he’d read my emails (very casually I might add) I laughed and felt strangely flattered because he’d been stalking me. I am vehemently loyal when I am attached and I think the more I would say this to Blue – the more he questioned it. I was Too vocal apparently. But like I've said before I like to hear words - so I presume other people do...

Let’s face it – I wanted/want to be with him and it was a great disappointment when it didn’t seem to be working out. But him hacking into my email made me think that actually he still cares. This might sound a bit pathetic I know. If I heard someone else say this – I’d think ‘ get a grip!’ Maybe I’m meant to be angry. It’s been a habit of mine throughout my life to not get angry at stuff which people may expect me to. Anyway, it’s nearing the end of the day and dear Blue has gone home and instead of feeling anger about this situation, I am totally bewildered and a little put-out.
How can this be done? I now understand why my email kept bouncing back to me the other day when I tried to message him to thank him for the Christmas card that he’d dropped off. He must have closed down his email account – aware that people can hack into it... WTF?? That would mean that he’d never communicate with people via email cos they’d have to have his email address to be able to write to him. Very odd indeed. I thought I was paranoid. It's up to him tho - I'm not getting wrapped up in questioning this or that. If this is what he wants/needs to do to gain faith in me - then so be it. I'm not bothered. Some things are beyond pride. And I can hardly bleet on about ' privacy'. But even if I wanted to - I wouldn't cos I don't give a shit about that stuff, to be honest. Here - take my phone - have a good old nosey, look through my knicker drawer and see what you can find. I don't care about this stuff. Look! Go on! If there's anything you want - let me know and I'm sure you can have it! I just don't care. I care about people I care about hearts, spirits, goodness, decency, my sanity.

*Pass you the sick bucket?? here ya go!*

Blue is not a computer whizz. This whole thing is odd. I’m now wondering what else he can tap into... There’s one good thing about this – he could see how genuine I have been in the time we were together and showing that is actually more important to me than his ability to get into my emails.
I’ve proved myself without realising to be the honest woman I said I was. My behaviour was decent in all ways and he knows it. I’ve always said that I don’t do sneaking around, plotting, scheming – even when I’m single I do very little. But there was part of Blue’s personal insecurities which made him wonder why I wanted to be with him. And clearly he must have thought that there were times that maybe I was up to mischief.
It’s fantastic to know that he knows that I have lived up to my words.
Even so, right now, this evening I am reluctant to say anything about anything... I’m tired and I feel a bit spooked by it to tell the truth. Not that he actually did it – but that he was/is able to...