Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Casting my net, to see what I find.

gosh – I don’t know if I’m being a drama queeen, over sensitive or what. I feel as though I have a gagging order in place.
Well, you know about Montanta? The hottie from last week...And you probably know by now that I’ve been hanging out with Blue again and now I’m suddenly really coy... Have you heard me? 'Hanging out with Blue’ – and the rest! but I dont' want to go into 'the rest' just yet.

He wants us to get together again – and I’ve said that's what I want too – but ... Oh, I don’t know. I wasn't expecting this.

I’m even reluctant to say much because I’m not sure what Blue’s reading... (especially now he can access my emails... what else can he do??) and what Montana’s reading – even though he’s not wanting anything from me, I care about how others feel. Maybe too much. I've got nothing to hide, but I feel as though I am treading on egg shells. Why??

None of what is going on should stop me from speaking my truth, though, really, eh? But you know... I do feel somewhat stifled, right now.

The thing with Blue is: We were together - then not - then I was checking out the substitute’s bench, and now Blue and I are back on...
He’s back at college in January – let’s see how things go then.I will just see, with no expectations.
He’s eager to make things work with us, now. He knows better what I need. And he realised apprently what he’d lost... I don’t blame him. But only time will tell if he can deliver. As I said before when we were together - I don't know what else I can do to better things for us as a couple.

Anyway – it’s been a delightful few days and he’s more sincere than before. More focused on 'us'. For now...
I may not have much ( material wealth) – but I have plenty of heart and I’m trying to better myself (spiritually, emotionally) all the time, which is something that is obvious to any one meeting me. Isn’t it Montana? “Yes, it is Clare” Montana says...

Life’s swirling, deep river is casting fish to the surface ready to be caught.. 2010 is going to be my year to harvest as much as I can, (not with regards to men - nah - with regards my hopes, my ambitions) to make 2011 better than I could possibly imagine. Although, you know me - I'd like a man floating around. This could be done while with Blue, or while kissing Montana, or doing the do with someone whom I haven’t met yet.
Or, of course, god forbid – I do it all on my own. Just little old me, and nothing but America’s Top Model for company - I like it, OK! No, I love it. Good, lighthearted entertainment, I say! It’s not a crime to like this frivilous stuff, is it!? I also enjoy classic literature and black and white films, but that doesn’t mean I have to bury my nose in those constantly, does it? Indeed, it doesn’t my friends. Indeed it doesn’t.
ViVa Vida!