Saturday, 12 December 2009

Woman Power.

I’ve been reading Hooked. This is the final read-through before I approve it, then it goes to the printers. The publishers want it back by mid week, with any final corrections or minor changes I may want.
It’s amazing to see my rights as the author and all the copy write blurb and ISBN number and the fact that there will be a copy held in The British Library, in the front of it. WoW!
I love the book. It’s good ... brace yourselves!

So, Fucking Facebook deleted my last page, eh? 2800 pals down the drain. I know why - Mr S. complained about the post: Naughty Weekend that I posted in my Notes on Facebook. I could sulk but I won’t. Fair play to him. I understand his point and I was sailing close to the wind.
I tell you – i feel as though since the break up with Blue a valve has been turned down in me. I have gained a better perspective on what is important in my life. And what’s important ? Me. And what I want, and I want to be a successful writer. I will be. That’s what I’m going for...Despite my gramma being pretty appaling!

At some point I hope I will be able to give myself to someone in a relationship again – but I can assure you that I will not put up with anything other than everything I deserve. My brief time with Blue really gave me a wake-up call. It really did. I do too much to try and please him. I give too much. I hope the experience has not jaded me into mis-trusting my behaviour in a potential future relationship. I won’t let it. I wouldn’t allow a 4 month fling to influence me like that. I like how I can be with a man I’m involved with - I don’t want to become hard, I’m not hard by nature, but I do need to think about myself more. I currently have walls in place to protect myself from anything other than myself. But as I said, i don't want to get cynical. I can certainly be tough, but that is something I tend to exhibit in only one of two situations: self-preservation or fury, neither of which I am currently feeling .
I’m not going to accept anything than, ‘It all’. I can get that, that's not arrogance, that's knowing my worth. I’ve never doubted it, but I have allowed myself into relationships with people whom, actually don't have it all. In fact, some of my past men haven’t had anything. Why has that been acceptable to me? Crazy. I’m not going to mother or ‘rescue’ another boyfriend, ever again. I will run to the hills, if they are either in recovery or if they don't have a decent job, a place of their own, and tons of love and a desire to share who they are with me.

I am going to aim high, actually. I have written an excellent book, I am going to finish the first word-dump of the second book before the end of January. I have a lot going for me. I am very sweet and apparently I’m ’too modest’ according to the Photographer whom I have fallen out with yesterday. That definitely guarantees that we won't have sex, again. It's been moths, anyway, if you remember what i said in my last post...
I will think about my levels of modesty. Maybe he's onto something. Who knows? He was implying that I lack self confidence and saying it in an exasperated manner. Maybe I do, in a way – but I also don’t blab constantly about how good I am and how good looking I am – as he tries to, incognito. I know someone else who does this – and they haven’t got anything to boast about.
Don’t hype yourself until you’ve proved yourself, I say... Talk is cheap. I don’t care how well the Photographer is doing - he could do to practice a bit more humility instead of the fake modesty he tries to convey.

You must think that I seem to be falling out with a few people recently – not really – to be honest apart from my girl friends, I don’t care. I’m just not taking any male prisoners. I practiced this last night when someone text me... I was really polite, but direct – and I said I will either be normal and a friend, but I won’t play cat & mouse, if he wants me to chase him for something. Fuck it. He wrote back a really respectful message back. Just treat me normally whoever you are. I’m gonna treat you normally. I’m not gonna flirt with you or sleep with you, so stop trying to sleep with me.

I have promised myself that I am going to try and speak my truth as much as I can. I people-please too much. It’s time that stopped. I’m a grown woman, I need to give myself kindness, in the same way I give it to other people.
I hope this all doesn’t sound angry. I’m not. I haven’t been aware of being calmer for a long, long time. I think it is the freedom of having my life pretty much in order, and that I have no responsibilities except to take care of myself and to check on my father. I am heading ion the right direction to fulfill what I dream for myself. Men, relationships, can get to hell, for now. I’m not ready. I never was. Altho it’s only through the mistakes that I’ve made that I’ve learned this. So to Blue, I thank you for making me realise where I go wrong.