Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Fuck Addiction.

I was a hooker. Sue me. I was a coke whore. Sue me. I used to have a glass with vodka in it, up to my face more often than not. Sue me. For years I did these things. I used people - they used me. I lied, cried and talked shit more than I didn't. I'm none of those things any longer. BUT if I go back to escaping from myself - I know that the mental illness that has fucked me over for so many years will ensue - and I'm unlikely to survive.
My addiction demons lie dormant when I don't abuse myself. They are always there but they are quiet. Recently I haven't been dealing well with powerful emotions and this has awoken strong urges to escape my reality.

Blue, my lover, my friend has relapsed. He's also been lying, lying, lying and continually blaming, blaming, blaming me for the break down in our communication. He's a different man to the one I've known for the past 18months.

I have been so very sad and lost the past days and coming to terms with my inability to be close to him again is a blow. If I continue in the vein I've been in over the past days I will be back to sniffing coke, drinking and selling my arse to pay for it. And honestly? I won't survive it. I have an instinct which I came upon me very powerfully 6.5 years ago when i relapsed for 8 days, that if it ever happened again - I shall not make it.

I get very emotionally sick when I drink and use substances. I do reckless, harmful and erratic things which cause huge amounts of pain. For want of a better way of putting it: a type of madness grips me and I am not accessible to anyone. I become an empty shell. I lived like this for years.

I no longer do the things that cause my life to shatter. And despite the screaming in my head suggesting that I escape my current reality by using chemicals, and in spite of my inability to sleep I have been dragging myself back to NA meetings and reaching out for help. That's exactly what I need right now. Help.

The compulsion to hide from my acute feelings of loss and sadness and anger is upon me. If I am to be anything - right now I must fight; for my sanity and well being.

I am and have been many things in my life. Right now, I am a warrior.
And did I mention that I could scream and scream and scream ?? Well, i could. I could scream the whole fucking place down at this moment.

Here's Britney: