Sunday, 21 June 2009

Annus Horribilis

I’m feeling stressed, anxious, worried, angry and slightly sick. CG is here. He came today. He called me from the airport to tell me that his flight would take 4 hours to arrive in London. I told Dee about it. I was then instructed to head over to his place. When I got there he hadn’t negotiated the traffic back to his house after visiting his father in Devon.
I sat and waited outside his place for nearly an hour then I called him. He ranted and squawked at me and kept telling me how all this mess is my fault because I shouldn't have told CG he can stay at mine. I get his point, but Dee and I had had another childish bust up when I told CG that he can stay. Anyway, I ended up leaving the outside of Dee’s house to the birds and anonymous cars that kept passing.

The two of us then exchanged some brutal texts.
Right now I hate him to be truthful. He’s a childish idiot and since I’m childish myself at times, I need a fully ripe man.
I’m resentful and angry at him. Some times I feel as though I'm cracking up. This sick pattern of behaviour that we are trapped in is making me more unstable than I need to be. It must end. Now. Today. I’m losing it.
He doesn't show me he cares as much or even more about me than he does about himself. He doesn’t show me that, because it's not his truth. He doesn’t support me. He doesn’t have experience of relationships, other than one night stands. Great boyfriend material! Pah!
He text me about 30minutes ago saying that he loves me but he’s worn out and can’t go on. I know that feeling.
I can't tell you how hurt and angry I am about wasting the past year fucking around with something that I knew all along wasn't for me. Why? Why? What's happened to me..?

At the end of his text he put: ‘Please don’t forget me.’ He’s actually the most forgettable boyfriend I’ve ever had and I suspect that throughout the shambolic liaison we had, he knew that.
So, I can’t promise him that I won’t forget him. We're so different in some respects and exactly the same in others. He's argumentative, bound by social expectations,and he is passionate about zero, and despite the fact we laughed a lot, we rarely had any indepth conversation about anything other than ‘us’. Boring.

Tomorrow I am changing my phone number. I’ve already blocked him from my email. I am on lockdown. I must do something constructive to end this debilitating cycle.

It’s very weird how Dee and I started our thing (i'm already diminishing it) in exactly the circumstance that we are finishing it. We have literally gone full circle.
When we got together exactly one year ago practically to the day, CG had just left London ( after our week long fling.) I was not working at the time ( as is the case now)and I was considering moving home, as I am again.
Odd, huh?

I’ve had an Annus Horribilis and I am glad that I am finally off the Merrygoround that has been not helping my emotional stability one bit.
From tomorrow I have decided to start going to NA meetings again.. I need support. Two friends I spoke to today are amazed that I haven’t relapsed during this last year having nothing other than a crappy relationship and myself as ‘support.’

I can't wait until Dee becomes ‘Some guy I was once seeing for a little while....It was nothing serious.’

I'll be diminishing a year long relationship to a 'couple of months fling', very soon. You watch.
Bitch. Me? Quite frankly I don't care right now.