Monday, 22 June 2009

could i really sell my ass again?

First four steps of Alcoholics/Narcotics Anonymous.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

First 4 Steps in relation to my past relationship.
Step1. I admitted I am powerless over my relationship and my life has become unmanageable.
Step2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
Step3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.
Step 4. Made a searching an moral inventory of myself.

I wouldn’t want to disappoint any of you who are accustomed to hearing me sounding pissed off. Today has been a peculiar and trying day. After having slept for approximately 5 minutes last night, today I got up with the intention of having a constructive day. What I got done was precisely zero. Oh no, actually, that’s not wholey correct. I sulked. I worried and I cried, occasionally all three at the same time. The combination of being jobless, boyfriend less, and potentially homeless does not bode well for ones self esteem or serenity levels.

I’m looking out side of my window right now and I can see river boats cruising down the Thames. Yep, life continues to move on. It’s now up to me if I decided to get a slice of that pie.
I think 24 hours of sulking and feeling hopelessly inadequate is more than enough. After tonight I must dust myself down and start afresh. I’m scared of ... hmm... let me think – what am I not currently afraid of? OK, my primary fear is allowing myself to clamber into a pit of unhappiness which will only develop into active depression. Ironically, over the past few weeks I have lowered my daily intake of anti-depressant by half. I’m very pleased with myself for achieving this painlessly and I am not willing to allow myself to slip backwards. My relationship ending is not my critical concern.
It is money; and lack of it. Boring. Very boring.
I will probably have to move from my flat but I have nowhere to go. That thought alone invokes panic. And financial panic makes me wonder... Could I sell my ass without taking drugs or drinking? That’s something that I very much doubt.

But desperation makes people able to do the wildest of things, doesn’t it?