Friday, 12 June 2009

Older men are easier to Handle

It’s been rather quiet on the western front... or should that be on the sex front.
Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan. I wish.
I’ve felt like a space cadet the past few days. Working too much on Hooked as I said yesterday, and apart from that wishing to god that my fella had come to see me to take my mind off my stress. The thing is – I’m too lazy to go to his and seemingly he’s too lazy and caught up in his new job to come to mine – despite having a car.
He lives miles from where I live and work and of course London transport have very kindly furnished its citizens with a helpful tube strike. Guess things may be different if I drove – but he does, and I’ve still had a sexless week.
So, what can I say? I could say a lot. I could moan, moan, moan, moan. I wish.
But instead I will just make a small statement.

I am increasingly feeling that things are on Dee's terms more often than not. This is very boring for me. For him to do this, he clearly doesn’t know me . He really doesn’t know me.
You see, I act. I don’t just talk. I say what’s up. I give warnings. Then I just act. I have told Dee on numerous occasions this week that I feel sexually frustrated. He knows.

I’m not one to just talk casually about something I’m feeling.
I say it and I mean it. Anyone that knows me knows that I am usually a little over emphatic with my statements. I talk with my hands, use my face and get my point across.I’m not aggressive. Just expressive. Like I’ve said a zillion times I am passionate. I express myself with heart. I give you a piece of my spirit when I talk to you. If not – why bother?

There’s nothing wishy washy about me – except my skin colour in winter. That can become a little pasty. Other than that, * if I tell you something, then repeat it, then if nothing changes except I appear distant – I will repeat what I said, and prepare you for the possible consequences. He calls it me 'threatening' him. What does it sound like to you? Please tell me. It'll be useful to hear your thoughts on this.

When something is wrong and I do the above* you know with no doubt that I am serious and I mean what I say. I have done this with Dee over the past few days.The thing with him, is that he has this notion that if he gives me what I want, ie. time, sex ( this week) when I want it – he’s ‘pandering ‘ to me. How ridiculous. I am his woman. I want comfort. Sex for me is not just a banging session or not just cos I'm feeling horny; not all the time anyway... It’s useful in many situations. One as stress relief, comfort, feeling 'untied' with someone.
I mean, I have a fella. Where the fuck is he when I need it/him?
But I don’t think he gets that. Maybe cos to get stress relief from sex one must have an emotional attachment to the sex one is having. I don’t think Dee is like this. Without wanting to run him down (and i can say this cos you don’t know him) I don’t think he’s emotionally sexually mature. Do you know what I mean by that? Course you do.

He needs to stop acting like a boy and behave like my man. My experiences previous to this, are men who do everything in their power to make his woman, i.e me, happy. This new way ( with Dee) is a very bizarre. It stinks. In fact it totally wreaks of control freakishness, and if Dee spent a moment listening to me, and not the drivel that goes on in his insecure head – he would know that I.DO.NOT.OPERATE. WELL.WHEN.SOMEONE.IS.TRYING.TO.CONTROL.ME.
I don’t like it. I really don’t like it. In fact I won’t tolerate it.
The guy knows my past. I have never exactly followed the herd and I've never had someone control me. Dee refers to me jokingly as 'Ferrel' and that he is here to 'Tame' me. It's not going to happen like that - cos I don't need taming. I need an easier life. Preferably with him. But it's not looking that way...

Why in the name of God does he think that this type of iron-rod-handling will help me respect him? Why does he think it’ll work? Why are we still together? I know Dee wants me, but he’s terrified of me dominating him which is a strain onn bith of us, cos he's always trying to prove his dominance. I’ve allowed him this recently cos for nearly a year we were struggling this it. But after 3-4weeks of me playing his game – it’s getting dull, cos when i ask him to listen to me and act on my wishes when I ask him to come and console me during a time of stress. He didn’t. Things like that, from my man, infuriate me.
But surely men who are confident in their own masculinity allow their woman every thing she wants, no? This is how it’s been for me in the past. But thinks that’s been about me being controlling towards them. You’ve gotta be joking. The men in my life before now have always been older, more sure of themselves, and if they said ‘no’ to something – there was a damn good reason. And I respected that implicitly. If this doesn't work, I will revert back to type and be with a man who's older than me. It's easier. They're easier to handle, cos they've less to prove.

This relationship is starting to feel tedious and hard work. But after our last split before I went away, I realised then that I can live without Dee. I went back because I wanted to be with him but thank goodness, I don’t need him. Right now, I don’t know what I want. I do want him – but I want him to indulge me a little, and stop acting in some assumed ‘male’ role. And if that sounds like I’m being controlling – then all I gotta say is - Check Mate.