Monday, 29 June 2009

my sister is calling

I’m going out for a while this evening – but before I leave I thought I would share something with you.
A while back I wrote a piece for The Guardian about how it was for me being brought up alone with my father.
Today I got an email from The Guardian saying that a girl who is claiming to be my sister has contacted them asking them to forward me her details.
She has the same name as one of my sisters. She also knows all my variations of names. My mother gave me a different forename to the one I go by…

This sister is abroad and has never been to England. I don’t know her although she was born before my mother sent me here, to live. She confirmed what I was told by an uncle 6 years ago, that my mother is indeed dead.

Please do not send me words of condolence. That would embarrass me. Her death means little to me, since I do not know my mum and I don’t know my sister.

My mother’s death came as a shock purely for selfish reasons. I was angry that after I had spent so many years obsessing about this woman and trying to destroy myself as a result of my feelings of inadequacy and loss, and of course wondering why? Why? Why? Had she given me up ? She then had the cheek to then die before I had any answers.
I haven’t written to this girl yet. I will do… but I am reluctant. I feel nothing. If this was my mother is would be a different story. But just because this girl and I are supposed to share a mum, means very little to me because we did not grow up together.
She lives in a poverty stricken country where money is scarce. Unfortunately for me, and for her, money is scarce in my bank account too.
I will keep you informed with this. I have a feeling once I write it will be an on going saga. What isn’t in my life, huh?

I am meeting someone this evening who I have never met before. Already I feel nervous. It’s not a date, but still, I get shaky. One human meeting another for nothing more than coffee and cake and I’m left quaking in my boots….. How silly.