Saturday, 13 June 2009

Substitute Bench

I’ve had a lovely day. The sun was shining in London and I found it still shining in Surrey where I visited L.

We had a stroll, got take-out Starbucks and went to sit in a park. She’s had lots going on lately and it was nice to listen, chat and catch up. I told her that Dee and I are over. She’s met him. She likes him, but has always thought that he’s not for me. I was offended by that at first. Of course I was, I was in the first flurry of love.(Interestingly L. said this to me 5 weeks after Dee and I got together, and that was at a time when we were blissfully happy. That’s saying something, right?)
L. Has never said anything offensive about Dee. She only said that she didn’t think he was my type.

I listen to my friends. I listen to people that I respect – (I never used to listen to anyone, and look how happy that made me. So I keep and open mind these days) and despite not always being right in their judgments, I think L may well have been onto something. I won’t go into that (again) though... So, I’ve told Dee we’re over. I’m not going to go on about that either, because not only is it tedious but I can’t be sure that he won’t read this. I’m not going to disrespect the guy by airing specific dirty items of laundry - but I will go as far as to say: it is broken. There’s no going back.

I feel sad but not too bad. I did what I said I’d do. I needed cuddles, physical affection and he didn’t give it. But today I can tell you that I feel much ‘lighter.’

A couple of hours ago I cooked myself steak with a yummy rocket salad, tomato and balsamic vinegar. I’ve just watched Big Brother and now I’m writing this wearing a clay mask on my face.
It’s all alright. Everything will be alright. It always is, right?

I was there for Dee and supported him through the stress of his new job, his house move, the best-man speech ( which he was terrified of giving) and now I am focusing on myself. The coming weeks will be about continuing work on my second book – UnHooked. I’ve already written 30,000 words, and intend to continue plodding on with that. I don’t have room for a relationship when I’m focused with writing. I do, of course have time to ‘de-stress’ with a smooch and whatever else it takes to feel that relief but I’m not going to search for new dick. Nope. There’s familiar dick sitting on the substitutes' bench, already.
(Women have 'em too ya, know. Probably more so than men, I reckon.)

I can’t be bothered with going through the drama of ‘getting to know someone,’ and neither do I want random one night stands with strangers. I have done that on a few occasions while sober and I loved it – but it’s not where I’m at now.... She says. No, really... I’m not willing to involve myself with any situation that may end up living rent-free in my head, causing me hassle. I don’t have the space for that right now.
Of course I could end up involving myself in something which makes me really happy, who knows? But I can’t be bothered to take the risk.
If (when) I dabble, it’ll be with someone I already know, someone whose dick I’ve already tasted. You may think that this is trouble in itself, but I can assure you that it’s not. Like I’ve said to you before I’ve got some very nice male ‘friends...’
Friends whom I respect, they respect me, we like each other and enjoy each other ,physically. The reasons why myself and these guys have not got together in actual relationships is varied. Usually we’ve met at a time when we were both looking for ‘ comfort.’ And we’ve continued our friendship – unless of course either of us were seeing someone.

The guys on the substitutes' bench are creative and driven, and like me with my book, there are times, regardless of who you are, where ones time cannot be dedicated to a ‘proper’ relationship.