Sunday, 14 June 2009

'I want to be alone' - Marlene Dietrich & Miss Gee

It’s going to be all about me for a while.I need that.
I am not going to focus on anything other than what I need to do in my life to make it better; to make myself happier (long term), to make myself financially independent.
I am going to prepare to meet the man that I will share my future with. Also I need to make some money so I can contribute to my future children’s lives.

You may wonder why a man always has to feature in my plans... Well, why not? I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone eventually. The right person. I’m not made of cardboard, so at some point that will happen.

Despite my current wish to be alone right now, I’m certainly not going to turn into some That’s not me. But I do like spending money, and I want to do this by earning it myself. God, how times change. For years, I always thought I’d sit back and be a ‘kept woman’. How dull. I was just scared and unsure of my abilities so settled for a dream that felt like the easiest option.

I love to travel, I love to buy gifts, I like to be able to get my hair done whenever I want to. I love to buy delicious smelling body lotions, pretty lingerie, and sometimes, clothes . In order for me to do these things I need cash; my own cash.
I wouldn’t want to live constantly using someone else’s money. I’ve done that before. Most recently my relationship with Sexless . Even if I intended to buy something he would automatically pay. I had to battle with him to allow me to pay for anything – and contrary to popular belief:
This. Did.Not. Undermine.Me.As. An.Individual. He was being generous, that’s all. As I’m sure you already know I’m not really into waving the Women’s Lib flag. It’s boring to me. And yes.... I do know how suffragettes suffered.

Since my relationship with Sexless ended about 2.5years ago (feels longer in some respects)I realised that I don’t want to rely on or accept my man paying for literally everything. I’ve learned this from being with Dee. I gain pleasure from contributing to our lives, other than buying gifts for my man. But with Dee I felt my contribution was too great.

Other things I want from a man: Emotional support, affection, I'd like gifts, of course! The occasional session at the hair salon, beauty treatments, surprise weekends away. Love - that goes without saying though I reckon...

I’d like all that and I deserve it. And I’d lavish the same onto him. But now is not the time. I have a bit to go before I get there. One thing for certain is that with focus and devotion to my journey and continued positivity throughout – I will get there. Of that, I have no doubt.